Post by thunderrumble on Oct 30, 2015 22:21:14 GMT
I have known a woman for six months. After experiencing a few months of unusual behaviors how she related to me, I was so confounded, I had to research what was occurring.
She is a classic textbook dismissive, emanating from not receiving her mother's love her for the first three months of her life. She readily admits a therapist said her coping mechanism is “internalizing,” frequently going to a corner for long periods of time and not communicating, insisting her burdens are hers and no one elses. She has three children and loves her job, but it is low-paying, and she has recently had great difficulty in making ends meet.
We talked and texted for approximately one month before we went on a date. The exchanges were dynamic, but the first few dates were not. I thought if we could ever get those exchanges into a face-to-face situation, we would be an awesome couple, but it has never materialized to anything close to the time before we went out.
The dismissive pattern is playing out. She doesn't trust me, every question I ask, even innocuous ones now, invade her privacy. She has never asked anything about me, what I like to do, where I go, what my friends or childhood was like, etc. Sometimes she says “Are you my ex-husband now?” or calls me by his name when I ask her something. This past week, our few interactions were positive but the prior three weeks were very difficult, in which every little thing – even daily good morning texts from me to be upbeat and positive – were battlegrounds for conflict.
She recently started hanging out with a free-spirited biker guy who takes her down country roads on weekend adventures. This is one of her fantasies to escape her problems, so she is happy to go with him. She has been deceptive and not admitted to me that she is with him on weekends when I am not with her. I have not seen her much in the past few months, and she shows her independence by dismissing date ideas/questions I have about getting together or saying “I need to check my kids schedule.”
I like her children and have been giving her financial support nearly every week for the past four months. I know she needs the financial help, and she is so appreciative, thanking me profusely each time I help her, but it seems the in-between times, she just treats me like I'm the dogpile. I cannot fathom her treating any of her friends the way she treats me, the way she talks or texts me, or just decides to ignore dates. I told her many times I have considered her my friend from day one and asked her why she holds her friends “up here” but treats me “down here.” She went off, saying her life was far too chaotic to conceive of dating me, her children needed help, she couldnt pay her bills, etc. and she couldnt give me what I want. She also said she doesn't want me to push her to a relationship when she is not ready.
We have never been intimate, though one time I mistook her actions for wanting sex (that was my fault and turned out badly). She is not affectionate, never touches me except for hugging me now when I leave (took awhile to do that), and has never even given me a peck on the cheek, though I treasure the infrequent times I can kiss her on her cheek or forehead and tell her everything will turn out okay.
There are many things I do like about her, so I am not going anywhere. Admittedly, I was helping her out previously, trying to get her out of her financial mess, so we could ultimately build a relationship. I know she will still need my financial support for food, gas, and utilities. She is so afraid to ask for any financial help from anyone, but I am in a position to help her, and I don't want her stressing on how to able to feed her children. I am very patient and will still be her friend (despite the jealousy of knowing she has a new friend now).
My questions are: I believe her mind can totally discern between non-romantic friends and “romantic” friends, so why does she treat me so differently from her non-romantic friends, as if we are in a relationship. She has said she doesn't want a relationship with me, at least not now, which disappoints me, and we really haven't done anything that couples do to indicate that we are in a relationship, so why does she treat me like we are in one?
Question 2: Only time will tell, but if the new guy becomes the new “romantic” friend, can and will she mentally shift me to non-romantic friend status?
She is a classic textbook dismissive, emanating from not receiving her mother's love her for the first three months of her life. She readily admits a therapist said her coping mechanism is “internalizing,” frequently going to a corner for long periods of time and not communicating, insisting her burdens are hers and no one elses. She has three children and loves her job, but it is low-paying, and she has recently had great difficulty in making ends meet.
We talked and texted for approximately one month before we went on a date. The exchanges were dynamic, but the first few dates were not. I thought if we could ever get those exchanges into a face-to-face situation, we would be an awesome couple, but it has never materialized to anything close to the time before we went out.
The dismissive pattern is playing out. She doesn't trust me, every question I ask, even innocuous ones now, invade her privacy. She has never asked anything about me, what I like to do, where I go, what my friends or childhood was like, etc. Sometimes she says “Are you my ex-husband now?” or calls me by his name when I ask her something. This past week, our few interactions were positive but the prior three weeks were very difficult, in which every little thing – even daily good morning texts from me to be upbeat and positive – were battlegrounds for conflict.
She recently started hanging out with a free-spirited biker guy who takes her down country roads on weekend adventures. This is one of her fantasies to escape her problems, so she is happy to go with him. She has been deceptive and not admitted to me that she is with him on weekends when I am not with her. I have not seen her much in the past few months, and she shows her independence by dismissing date ideas/questions I have about getting together or saying “I need to check my kids schedule.”
I like her children and have been giving her financial support nearly every week for the past four months. I know she needs the financial help, and she is so appreciative, thanking me profusely each time I help her, but it seems the in-between times, she just treats me like I'm the dogpile. I cannot fathom her treating any of her friends the way she treats me, the way she talks or texts me, or just decides to ignore dates. I told her many times I have considered her my friend from day one and asked her why she holds her friends “up here” but treats me “down here.” She went off, saying her life was far too chaotic to conceive of dating me, her children needed help, she couldnt pay her bills, etc. and she couldnt give me what I want. She also said she doesn't want me to push her to a relationship when she is not ready.
We have never been intimate, though one time I mistook her actions for wanting sex (that was my fault and turned out badly). She is not affectionate, never touches me except for hugging me now when I leave (took awhile to do that), and has never even given me a peck on the cheek, though I treasure the infrequent times I can kiss her on her cheek or forehead and tell her everything will turn out okay.
There are many things I do like about her, so I am not going anywhere. Admittedly, I was helping her out previously, trying to get her out of her financial mess, so we could ultimately build a relationship. I know she will still need my financial support for food, gas, and utilities. She is so afraid to ask for any financial help from anyone, but I am in a position to help her, and I don't want her stressing on how to able to feed her children. I am very patient and will still be her friend (despite the jealousy of knowing she has a new friend now).
My questions are: I believe her mind can totally discern between non-romantic friends and “romantic” friends, so why does she treat me so differently from her non-romantic friends, as if we are in a relationship. She has said she doesn't want a relationship with me, at least not now, which disappoints me, and we really haven't done anything that couples do to indicate that we are in a relationship, so why does she treat me like we are in one?
Question 2: Only time will tell, but if the new guy becomes the new “romantic” friend, can and will she mentally shift me to non-romantic friend status?
