Post by goldilocks on May 2, 2018 7:14:59 GMT
the-love-compass.com/2014/12/06/break-ups-hope-and-learning-to-let-go/
In a discussion this week, I realized that there is one particularly unhelpful strategy that we/our brains subconsciously use to cope when going through a break up. I’ve called this unhelpful coping mechanism “hope finding”.
Hope finding is a thought trap or a way of thinking that keeps you stuck in limbo. It keeps looking for signs, words, or interactions to convince you/your brain that there is hope for the relationship, even after you have broken up. It is a way of coping, of holding on to the person or the relationship. This may sound appealing, but in the long run it keeps you from moving on—it keeps you stuck.
Hope finding magnifies all the positive interactions with the person and minimizes all the negative ones. For example, your ex may act distant towards you and push you away throughout most of the day/week but have a moment where they crumble and express that they miss you. Hope finding overlooks all of the cues and signs that they are distancing themselves and moving on, and instead focuses on the one time that they express missing you—this gets taken as hope.
Hope finding can also present itself in two other forms: believing that the person is “the one/our soulmate”, and/or believing that God has called us to be with this person (for religious people). This type of thinking causes us to look for hopeful interactions and prevents us from taking a realistic look at the relationship/situation. These variations of hope finding are thought traps that keep us stuck and prevent us from letting go. When we feel a person is the one or that God sent them into our lives, we tend to shut down our critical thinking and cling to the hopeful moments. Learning to let go in these cases can be especially hard, but with some critical thinking and the right coping strategies, you can learn to let go and continue the search for Mr./Mrs. Right.
We all hope find; our brains are wired to try to reconnect with the person we are attached to. But if we are breaking up with someone, it is often for good reasons and hope finding will only keep you stuck; it will keep you from moving on and meeting the person you could spend your life with. Here are some ways you can help put an end to this unhelpful coping mechanism so that you may carry on with your life:
Take a realistic inventory of your interactions: for every hopeful interaction that your ex gives you, there are likely 10 other realistic interactions. You need to get in the habit of taking a realistic inventory or your interactions each day or week. Sure your ex may have opened up to you once this week about how they were feeling, but how many other times did they ignore your calls, not text, get spotted with another person…etc. In order to find closure you have to read between the lines and take a realistic inventory of the interactions the two of you share.
Make a list of the legitimate reasons you broke up to begin with: when you do find yourself getting sucked in by all of the amazing memories that the two of you shared and how kind your ex has been to you today, you need a break up list to ground you back to reality. This list should include all of the very legitimate reasons the two of you broke up. For example: “we always fought about finances”, or “I never felt like I could be myself”. Other examples may include an inability to communicate, or not taking your feelings and emotions seriously. There are endless reasons why we may not fit with another person, and when we start to get carried away thinking about the good ol’ days, we need a reality check.
Limit your time to overthink: if you are sitting around fixated on your ex, chances are you have too much time on your hands. You need to resume with your everyday life: get involved in sports, return to an old passion or hobby, make plans with friends…etc. Try not to devote too much time to overthinking your most recent conversation or past interactions as it will only drive you crazy and never results in getting the answers you feel you need. Make a conscious effort to do things you enjoy.
Hope finding is a thought trap or a way of thinking that keeps you stuck in limbo. It keeps looking for signs, words, or interactions to convince you/your brain that there is hope for the relationship, even after you have broken up. It is a way of coping, of holding on to the person or the relationship. This may sound appealing, but in the long run it keeps you from moving on—it keeps you stuck.
Hope finding magnifies all the positive interactions with the person and minimizes all the negative ones. For example, your ex may act distant towards you and push you away throughout most of the day/week but have a moment where they crumble and express that they miss you. Hope finding overlooks all of the cues and signs that they are distancing themselves and moving on, and instead focuses on the one time that they express missing you—this gets taken as hope.
Hope finding can also present itself in two other forms: believing that the person is “the one/our soulmate”, and/or believing that God has called us to be with this person (for religious people). This type of thinking causes us to look for hopeful interactions and prevents us from taking a realistic look at the relationship/situation. These variations of hope finding are thought traps that keep us stuck and prevent us from letting go. When we feel a person is the one or that God sent them into our lives, we tend to shut down our critical thinking and cling to the hopeful moments. Learning to let go in these cases can be especially hard, but with some critical thinking and the right coping strategies, you can learn to let go and continue the search for Mr./Mrs. Right.
We all hope find; our brains are wired to try to reconnect with the person we are attached to. But if we are breaking up with someone, it is often for good reasons and hope finding will only keep you stuck; it will keep you from moving on and meeting the person you could spend your life with. Here are some ways you can help put an end to this unhelpful coping mechanism so that you may carry on with your life:
Take a realistic inventory of your interactions: for every hopeful interaction that your ex gives you, there are likely 10 other realistic interactions. You need to get in the habit of taking a realistic inventory or your interactions each day or week. Sure your ex may have opened up to you once this week about how they were feeling, but how many other times did they ignore your calls, not text, get spotted with another person…etc. In order to find closure you have to read between the lines and take a realistic inventory of the interactions the two of you share.
Make a list of the legitimate reasons you broke up to begin with: when you do find yourself getting sucked in by all of the amazing memories that the two of you shared and how kind your ex has been to you today, you need a break up list to ground you back to reality. This list should include all of the very legitimate reasons the two of you broke up. For example: “we always fought about finances”, or “I never felt like I could be myself”. Other examples may include an inability to communicate, or not taking your feelings and emotions seriously. There are endless reasons why we may not fit with another person, and when we start to get carried away thinking about the good ol’ days, we need a reality check.
Limit your time to overthink: if you are sitting around fixated on your ex, chances are you have too much time on your hands. You need to resume with your everyday life: get involved in sports, return to an old passion or hobby, make plans with friends…etc. Try not to devote too much time to overthinking your most recent conversation or past interactions as it will only drive you crazy and never results in getting the answers you feel you need. Make a conscious effort to do things you enjoy.
