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Post by scheme00 on May 3, 2018 21:36:03 GMT
Been seeing someone new I like, currently unsure what her attachment style is. She’s very fun to hang out with and I have a great time. But I think I have caught her in some small white lies and I have heard her casually mention things that lead me to believe she has problems communicating. She was married to someone high profile for 12 years so I do not think she has problems with infidelity or commitment, but I don’t know...just a thought.
For example: she flaked on me last minute the other night when I was supposed to come to her house just for a late Netflix type hang out. She text me and told me she fell asleep putting her kid to bed and was too exhausted to hang out. But the WAY she texted me was not like someone was tired. Tons of exclamation marks and emojis and someone like they were Full of energy! The next morning I saw a Instagram story of her all dressed up out at a high-end social club here in town. It was a video from a photo booth so I’m not certain it was from when she flaked but I have a feeling it was. I am seeing things like that, nothing concrete for certain but I have a feeling she thinks this type of behavior is acceptable. I have not called her out yet because I don’t have any solid evidence.
So I am trying not to become attached to her to see how things play out before I am investing too much. But she’s fun, the sex is good and I have a great time with her. We currently see each other about 2x per week. Thoughts on how to proceed?
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Post by DearLover on May 3, 2018 23:46:15 GMT
If the sex and the fun is enough for you than your action plan makes sense.
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flic
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Post by flic on May 4, 2018 4:31:43 GMT
scheme00 I have a question on this - are white lies a red flag? For you, or anyone else? I've been wondering this - because particularly in new relationships, it seems that people do often tell white lies, before they are invested enough in the person. Should we be striving for honesty from the get-go of any new relationship? Do lies from the start, even small ones, break trust that is hard to recover? I feel like white lies often come from people who are afraid to be vulnerable, or who seek to protect themselves from getting too invested too quickly. I don't know where i stand on this (my ex told me so many white lies in the beginnings of our relationship, and ultimately i think it developed into major trust issues for me which I never recovered from), but I'm interested in what others think.
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Post by scheme00 on May 4, 2018 4:56:44 GMT
I guess they are a major red flag for me. I try to always be 100% honest and upfront because without trust what else is there? I try to be honest even if it is not what the other person wants to hear, because although they may not like your answer they will always respect you and trust that you are truthful. It seems like there are so many deal breakers I have now in the relationships that I will never find someone to be in a long-term relationship with at this point. Wrong attachment style, white lies, bad communication, etc.
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flic
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Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 4, 2018 5:08:32 GMT
scheme00 I don't think your deal breakers are bad at all. Essentially they are all aspects of the same thing right - emotional intimacy? So, if you are in a place of secure attachment, you *may* be able to work with the 'wrong' attachment style if you can work at ensuring emotional intimacy despite the differences, or you decide it's too much hard work and seek someone secure. sounds reasonable. The white lies could be overcome with good communication which in turns breeds emotional intimacy, if you are willing to confront it and let them know you need honesty. That is vulnerability asking for reciprocation in my opinion. And finally, in my experience (and based on the countless articles i've read from psychologists and relationship experts) good communication is essential to a long-term partnership. As much as I still love my ex and my attachment to him simply won't die as much as i try and rationalise, he ticked all of your deal breakers. He still to this day denies a few of the lies he told me, which I repeatedly brought up during the relationship to give him the chance to be vulnerable and for me to forgive him. If Im really honest with myself, the first time he didn't own up to them, i probably should have realised we were never going to get to a level of intimacy that I would be comfortable with. I say aim for the kind of relationship you truly want. Anything else is sure to lead to suffering. And believe you will find it!
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Post by DearLover on May 4, 2018 10:06:16 GMT
In my book, there are no such a thing as white lies. Lies are lies and end of. I want 100% honesty regardless of consequences. So, I do this now in all sections of my life. I live by the Honesty Policy even when nobody is looking. It is for my own self first and foremost. Now, I understand that sometimes you don't want to share certain things on a brand new relationship. No need to lie. Just be honest, Give a short truthful version of whatever it is they want to know and say that they can try and ask again later on when you feel more comfortable talking about it. scheme00 , if you want an intimate and truthful connection, maybe you have to confront and explain what is important to you and what you are looking for. Set your boundaries and let your values be known. You might give a second chance and try to improve communication, up to you. Me, personally, I need a person ho has already worked through all this. Someone who believes in honesty as much as I do. But if it is only sex and fun you are looking for, than I guess white, black or red lies don't make any difference. Let us know. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2018 16:16:27 GMT
I agree, lies are lies, but from the original post, it reads that you are not sure they are lies. The instagram posts could be from another time? I don't use instagram, so I don't know how that works. I would make sure before making any judgement.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 6, 2018 0:28:51 GMT
Well, do you really think you won't become attached? If not, fine, keep on with the status quo.... But if we're trying to think "secure" here, then you should be able to ask about it, and she should be able to admit if she was lying and then make a commitment to be more honest. You can tell her that it's okay with you if she decides to cancel a date, but that you would like honesty. The "secure" relationship doesn't have the secrecy, worry and game-playing.
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Post by scheme00 on May 7, 2018 6:51:37 GMT
UPDATE: I haven’t caught her in a lie yet but my gut is shooting off red flags so I have to trust it. I actually feel like GHOSTING her after I just saw a bunch of her Instagram activity. Liking a whole slew of handsome guys with their shirts off and I even found one of the guys accounts where him and her are flirting back and forth on all of his photos. It’s so obvious she’s goo-goo over these guys online. Do I owe her an explanation? I am upset and want to just not answer her texts from this point forward. Scheme00 is angry!!
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Post by tnr9 on May 7, 2018 7:28:03 GMT
UPDATE: I haven’t caught her in a lie yet but my gut is shooting off red flags so I have to trust it. I actually feel like GHOSTING her after I just saw a bunch of her Instagram activity. Liking a whole slew of handsome guys with their shirts off and I even found one of the guys accounts where him and her are flirting back and forth on all of his photos. It’s so obvious she’s goo-goo over these guys online. Do I owe her an explanation? I am upset and want to just not answer her texts from this point forward. Scheme00 is angry!! Is it your gut or your attachment system that is sending off warnings that may not be accurate? Honestly scheme...if you really like her, don't just ghost her...contact her and let her know what you have discovered and let her explain things. |
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Post by scheme00 on May 7, 2018 8:43:08 GMT
UPDATE: I haven’t caught her in a lie yet but my gut is shooting off red flags so I have to trust it. I actually feel like GHOSTING her after I just saw a bunch of her Instagram activity. Liking a whole slew of handsome guys with their shirts off and I even found one of the guys accounts where him and her are flirting back and forth on all of his photos. It’s so obvious she’s goo-goo over these guys online. Do I owe her an explanation? I am upset and want to just not answer her texts from this point forward. Scheme00 is angry!! Is it your gut or your attachment system that is sending off warnings that may not be accurate? Honestly scheme...if you really like her, don't just ghost her...contact her and let her know what you have discovered and let her explain things. I don’t know which one it is but I have written my words explaining to her that she is not the right person for me and I will deliver it tomorrow if she reaches out. I am learning that I need to get out when I see problems sooner rather than later and I feel like she is giving me the same feelings my last ex gave me. I will not tolerate such behavior or feelings again because I have had relationships before where the woman I was seeing would have never done these things in the first place. I DESERVE A QUALITY PARTNER WHO DOES MOT ACTIVATE ME. |
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Post by DearLover on May 7, 2018 9:13:58 GMT
I wouldn’t like this behaviour in a guy either, it just doesn’t go with my personality. It seems infantile and sleazy. How old is she? Why does she behave like a teenage girl?
Anyway, my last relationship ended by text message and I regret it a lot. I can positively say I will never do it again.
I suggest that you get together with her for a quick coffee or whatever one more time and explain what is making you uncomfortable and why you are ending the relationship. Just be direct and clear. This will leave your heart light and clean and give her opportunity for self inquiry and maybe even growth.
I would do the above because I want to live in honesty and integrity so I have to BE myself the qualities I want to attract in my life and in a partner.
We attract what we are.
Let us know how it goes.
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Post by tnr9 on May 7, 2018 12:04:51 GMT
Is it your gut or your attachment system that is sending off warnings that may not be accurate? Honestly scheme...if you really like her, don't just ghost her...contact her and let her know what you have discovered and let her explain things. I don’t know which one it is but I have written my words explaining to her that she is not the right person for me and I will deliver it tomorrow if she reaches out. I am learning that I need to get out when I see problems sooner rather than later and I feel like she is giving me the same feelings my last ex gave me. I will not tolerate such behavior or feelings again because I have had relationships before where the woman I was seeing would have never done these things in the first place. I DESERVE A QUALITY PARTNER WHO DOES MOT ACTIVATE ME. I agree with DearLover....breakup with her in person...ghosting/texting to me is not treating the other person with dignity and respect. |
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Post by scheme00 on May 10, 2018 4:04:20 GMT
UPDATE: Caught her red handed. She was supposed to go out of town with me today but cancelled last week because she had to work. Saw her out of town with her friend on her friends social media. Haven’t talked with her since Saturday, IF she texts me I’m going to ask her how the trip was and tell her I wish her the best but do not want to see her anymore.
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Post by nottheonion on May 10, 2018 22:20:47 GMT
UPDATE: Caught her red handed. She was supposed to go out of town with me today but cancelled last week because she had to work. Saw her out of town with her friend on her friends social media. Haven’t talked with her since Saturday, IF she texts me I’m going to ask her how the trip was and tell her I wish her the best but do not want to see her anymore. scheme, your post reminds me of my ex FA. How long have you been with this girl? It sounds like you are consumed by her every move, eg interpreting her use of emojis in a certain way, stalking her friends’ social media etc. My ex FA used to be like. After the first month of us togethe, he was triggered by pretty much everything I do or don’t do. Me shouting “yeah” at a concert because that particular musician was exceptional was interpreted by my ex FA as a overconfident trait. Taking him to nightclubs a couple of times was interpreted as me being a party girl (I seriously only go once in a blue moon). He was more interested in knowing if I fit his idea of a wifey material than knowing me as a person. Please don’t take it the wrong way I’d think some of the red flags you mentioned were kinda worrying to me too but I think you should at least be honest with her, let her explain herself and if you accept whatever she’s going to say, leave it all behind you. One thing I find that being an avoidant, there is literally no one I have dated who hasn’t activated me. I now realise I’m the common denominator and learning to tell if I’m more worried about being hurt down the road or living for the moment. |
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