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Post by DearLover on May 3, 2018 22:06:51 GMT
Hello DA ex
Can you believe that it has been nearly 9 months that we last contacted each other?
How time flies.
There is still memory of you embellished with question marks... I guess I am still trying to make sense of it all. It is not a bad thing.
I decided to come to the conclusion that we were both just scared, perhaps insecure... and this affected communication.... we did what we needed to do in order to cope with the confusion.
I hope you are well.
Me
*** I am not sending this. Writing this makes me feel better. I want to achieve a place of non blaming and understanding. I don't want to manipulate and feel like a victim anymore. If I was to send this I believe he would feel really surprised. After 9 months! He would probably feel repelled straight away. Don't I have a life? Other men interested in me?
So many wonderful things happened in my life after him. Physically, materially, psychologically, spiritually. So much growth.
Still there is this nagging annoying feeling. AAAAAAaaaaaaargh!
I have to get out there and date just for fun.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 4, 2018 0:07:22 GMT
I find the "we both/all did the best we could at the time" attitude to be really helpful too. It took me a long time to recognize the truth in that.
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flic
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 4, 2018 4:23:51 GMT
Hello DA ex Can you believe that it has been nearly 9 months that we last contacted each other? How time flies. There is still memory of you embellished with question marks... I guess I am still trying to make sense of it all. It is not a bad thing. I decided to come to the conclusion that we were both just scared, perhaps insecure... and this affected communication.... we did what we needed to do in order to cope with the confusion. I hope you are well. Me *** I am not sending this. Writing this makes me feel better. I want to achieve a place of non blaming and understanding. I don't want to manipulate and feel like a victim anymore. If I was to send this I believe he would feel really surprised. After 9 months! He would probably feel repelled straight away. Don't I have a life? Other men interested in me? So many wonderful things happened in my life after him. Physically, materially, psychologically, spiritually. So much growth. Still there is this nagging annoying feeling. AAAAAAaaaaaaargh! I have to get out there and date just for fun. @dearlover: I really like this. I think your conclusion is a really healthy one, without blame, and with compassion. I don't know if it helps, but I actually had this actual conversation with my ex DA on the phone recently (1.5 months after break-up) - we both admitted we were terrified the other was going to abandon us, and we didn't communicate it, we both acted out our respective roles (I got needy, he got distant) and it ultimately broke us up. It left me feeling very sad, and led to a renewed case of the 'if onlys' - but I definitely think having compassion in my heart will serve me better in the long run than having resentment. Would you ever have this conversation with your ex? I've come to learn (a lot from this forum and the support I have received from DAs on here) that being vulnerable and speaking your truth to someone, regardless of their response, can lead to great peace. And, hopefully move yourself (and maybe even your ex if they choose) towards secure attachment. |
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Post by DearLover on May 4, 2018 9:23:01 GMT
flic Yes, I would like to have this conversation with him or just send the email above, but it has been 9 months....too far gone now. He has probably dealt with his feelings already, who knows, he might be happy and settled, perhaps with a new girl and everything...I don't think it is fair to disturb his life. He obviously don't want contact, early on when we just went apart I tried to communicate, he ignored my messages and phone calls. I think I should respect this. What do you think? I need to be able to move on regardless of expressing my feelings to him or not. Needing his response or not. If I send the email of course deep inside there is going to be some expectation and perhaps disappointment. I don't know.... 1.5 months after our break up I didn't have this awareness yet (good on you and your ex for having it!). I was stuck in blame, victim thinking and resentment. There were many factors that contribute to the break up. There were early signs that he really didn't have the traits I was looking for in man and couldn't contribute to the kind of relationship I wanted. But I accepted him and put him above my needs. I was worried he would leave. Classic A-P behaviour. However, I was very aware not to become needy. I was insecure, scared and thirsty for validation yes. If I was needy, I managed to keep it in. He never saw this side of me. maybe he got the vibe? Anyway, I wasn't really my authentic self. Perhaps this is why I am struggling so much to let go. There was suffering in past relationships and I was a classic A-P in them but I was living my truth. Maybe this time I was restraining myself so much, trying to force my behaviour into 'secure' (I didn't know about attachment theory, was just following a bunch of dating coaches' advices) and now this unresolved part of me is still suffocated in. I was acting secure on the surface but was 100% A-P deep down. I understand now the behaviour needs to change from inside out. He sure did help. Maybe this was the purpose of our encounter.
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Post by DearLover on May 4, 2018 9:53:26 GMT
The new version:
Hello DA ex
Can you believe that it has been nearly 9 months we last contacted each other? It is the same length of time we stayed together.
How time flies!
There is still memory of you peppered with a few question marks... I guess I am still trying to make sense of it all on some level. But t isn't a bad thing.
I finally decided to come to the conclusion that we were both very scared of real intimacy, terrified of abandonemnt ... you know, old childhood wounds and all that... we projected and assumed the worse, it affected communication.
We did what we needed to do in order to cope with the confusion. We did the best we could do at the time.
Me
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flic
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 4, 2018 10:37:21 GMT
flic Yes, I would like to have this conversation with him or just send the email above, but it has been 9 months....too far gone now. He has probably dealt with his feelings already, who knows, he might be happy and settled, perhaps with a new girl and everything...I don't think it is fair to disturb his life. He obviously don't want contact, early on when we just went apart I tried to communicate, he ignored my messages and phone calls. I think I should respect this. What do you think? I need to be able to move on regardless of expressing my feelings to him or not. Needing his response or not. If I send the email. of course deep inside there is going to be some expectation and perhaps disappointment. I don't know.... 1.5 months after our break up I didn't have this awareness yet (good on you and your ex for having it!). I was stuck in blame, victim thinking and resentment. There were many factors that contribute to the break up. There were early signs that he really didn't have the traits I was looking for in man and couldn't contribute to the kind of relationship I wanted. But I accepted him and put him above my needs. Classic A-P. However, I was very aware not to behave needy. I was Insecure, scared and thirsty for validation yes. If I was needy, I managed to keep it in. He never saw this side of me. So not really my authentic self. Totally hear you - I too kept in the needy side of me, though i was always a bit anxious during the relationship. Then we moved to the other side of the world together, and moved in together, and i couldn't hide it any longer... It's funny how we deny our true selves, and yet still expect it to work out. I think if you want to send the email, send it. Not for him, but for you. You might not get a response, but you may feel better after speaking your truth. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 4, 2018 10:56:55 GMT
flic Yes, I would like to have this conversation with him or just send the email above, but it has been 9 months....too far gone now. He has probably dealt with his feelings already, who knows, he might be happy and settled, perhaps with a new girl and everything...I don't think it is fair to disturb his life. He obviously don't want contact, early on when we just went apart I tried to communicate, he ignored my messages and phone calls. I think I should respect this. What do you think? I need to be able to move on regardless of expressing my feelings to him or not. Needing his response or not. If I send the email of course deep inside there is going to be some expectation and perhaps disappointment. I don't know.... 1.5 months after our break up I didn't have this awareness yet (good on you and your ex for having it!). I was stuck in blame, victim thinking and resentment. There were many factors that contribute to the break up. There were early signs that he really didn't have the traits I was looking for in man and couldn't contribute to the kind of relationship I wanted. But I accepted him and put him above my needs. I was worried he would leave. Classic A-P behaviour. However, I was very aware not to become needy. I was insecure, scared and thirsty for validation yes. If I was needy, I managed to keep it in. He never saw this side of me. maybe he got the vibe? Anyway, I wasn't really my authentic self. Perhaps this is why I am struggling so much to let go. There was suffering in past relationships and I was a classic A-P in them but I was living my truth. Maybe this time I was restraining myself so much, trying to force my behaviour into 'secure' (I didn't know about attachment theory, was just following a bunch of dating coaches' advices) and now this unresolved part of me is still suffocated in. I was acting secure on the surface but was 100% A-P deep down. I understand now the behaviour needs to change from inside out. He sure did help. Maybe this was the purpose of our encounter. Hey Dear Lover....2 Sundays ago...I asked B if I could share some positive things. We ended up sitting at a bench and I was able to share a lot of the things that were on my heart..including the fact that the timing of our relatiinship was not the best due to the stress of some things on my plate....it was all shared in love and compassion and he was very kind and understanding. I think there isn't a time limit on these things...I think if it is on your heart, then send ithe letter to him.🙂 |
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Post by DearLover on May 4, 2018 11:14:22 GMT
Thank you ladies for your encouragement.
I still need to sleep on it a bit more. I might send it or I might not. Will see.
My real concern at this point is disturbing his life. Apparently he was able to move on nicely, obviously I don't know his heart and his mind because he didn't share but in case he is fine and peaceful I don't want to disturb this. Suck him right back in the past. Seems so unfair. Just because I am stuck I don't have the right to dump it on his head. I now how precious moving on feels.
There is some degree of pain here but I feel alive and hopeful. Everything else is going great for me. I am in love with myself and life. There is only this annoying thing for him that came back out of the blue in March. I was doing incredibly well emotionally and was out of these boards thinking I would never need to come back again. But I am glad it is still here and I am grateful for all of you.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 6, 2018 0:20:41 GMT
I wouldn't necessarily worry about disturbing his life-- he's a grown up who should be able to handle receiving a letter. If he has really moved on, then receiving a letter isn't that big a deal.
However if you are going to send it, you should be sure you're not going to backslide in some way if you don't get a response or don't get whatever response you most would wish for deep down. My suggestion if you are thinking of sending it would be to wait awhile-- maybe a couple of weeks-- and see if you still think it's a good idea to send it.
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Post by cogs74 on May 6, 2018 0:58:50 GMT
I agree on holding out a bit.
Does he deserve from this you?
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