FA/AP Detaching from Ex Female DA-

And this increasing awareness of how I was not treated well gnaws at my self esteem...

Hey cogs......can I make a suggestion? Change out that you need to move on to I am choosing to move on...it is a slight change...but the impact is very different. "Need" often feels obligatory and we often will resist and do the opposite. "Choosing" provides you with the option to do it or not and by just having a choice, you are more likely to do it.

Moving on is a great "concept"....it can be very challenging for an AP who has "attached" to the other person...so give yourself time to really process this....often times, I think as APs we are told to rush it forward and we just transfer everything to a new partner or we end up being extremely mean to ourselves by not honoring our attachment pain. Our timeline is different from a DA or secure and that is ok. Also...the deeper the "connection" (the more "familiar" the other person was to our caregiver) the more self understanding, love and curiousity is going to be required. Put another way...please watch your self talk at this time...you did the very best you could with the information you had at that time....and so did she.

Anger is part of the grieving process so it is good you are experiencing it...but for us APs...I think anger is absolutely a crucial bit of our process. We tend to attach very quickly and anger allows us to separate our atonomous self from the other person. It also allows us to see where our needs were not met and where our boundaries were crossed. This is extremely good information to have for healing. Unfortunately....just as we can personalize all kinds of non personal stuff about the other person....we can take our anger to the extreme of labeling/blaming the other person and this does not help your recovery at all and keeps you "stuck"...so as you learn where your needs were not met....also practice forgiveness for yourself and for her....you both are just human beings who are doing the best each of you can with the information you have at that time. If you find yourself slipping into resentment, that is a sign that a need was not met...so forgive her for not meeting it and forgive yourself for not expressing it in a way that she would understand. I like to go the extra step of visualizing my need as something the other person cannot meet, not because they can meet it but just aren't choosing to (which keeps us APs in a hopeful state but also in a very sad state of "why not me") but because there is an actual limitation in them due to their own attachment issues. Put another way...would you stay mad at a person who was blind because you wanted them to see something? No....you would accept that they were blind. I find it helpful to do the same thing with B...he did not have the capacity to meet my needs...because he has limited capacity and wounding in himself that has not yet been addressed. It frees me to see him with more understanding eyes and reminds me that I can have all the hope in the world..but my needs currently cannot be met by him...and that is ok. Because I can certainly give myself what I was looking for B to give me.

Be aware of internal messages...I have a ton that I am working through....one that has recently come to light is if I give up on B meeting my needs, then I am giving up on B as a person. That is not true...but that is the experience my little girl had of my mom. If she wasn't Wonder Woman to me then I was giving up on her. I completely understand and have great compassion for the little girl who thought so highly of her mom....I know it hurt so much so constantly be faced with my mom's limitations due to her own attachment pain, personality, circumstances...acknowledging her limitations as a mom ties back to the same freedom I mentioned above about B....and it allows me to choose to love B versus it feeling like something I have no control over.

I think you are doing great by the way...I also struggle with depression and to some degree I think depression adds an other level of complexity because it adds to the feelings of not enough with thoughts that nothing matters. Please know that you MATTER. Even in your hurt and pain....you matter and you are enough!

Hey cogs....I am terribly sorry about the death of your mom..that must have been so incredibly painful during those years where you were "coming into your own".

Since you don't truly know how L felt...can you go with the more psitive perspective that she does love and miss you? I think that by giving yourself that perspective, you will find yourself less likely to be negative towards yourself.

I also wonder if there aren't parallels between your mom's death and Ls break up that you could explore with your therapist. Both were sudden and you loved both of them...so it is understandable that you may view the loss of L as a death and not just a rejection...which carries greater weight and may explain why you want to reach out...because it feels permanent.

When we are triggered by others...it is as if we lose our ability to maintain an adult perspective and the younger, less resourceful parts of us use what coping mechanisms worked best for that "age". I am learning through my own journey that I need to be a bit more understanding when I am in my adult space but the other person is not....because we all have those younger parts inside of us.

Sending a cyber hug.

Cogs..no one can predict the future and none of us are her...I would add "at this time" to the end of those statements above and just continue to work on you.  

Cogs...I am sorry you are still hurting...but give yourself "time"...don't feel pressured by anyone to move forward faster than you want to. This is your process...so take all the time you want.

Here is the one question I would like you to ask yourself before you reach out to L..."if L does not respond, how will I feel?" Be honest. If you would feel sad, rejected, depressed, etc...then I would recommend that you don't reach out to her until such a time as you can say that no answer from her would be ok.

I really wish you well on your journey....you can do this!!!

Today is Day 56 of NC and Day 93 since L broke up with me. Man this is hard. It's so hard reading about DA's and knowing that L doesn't have any intention of changing. At the start of NC I was hopeful because I hadn't accepted that the relationship was over. I think and hope that now I'm entering into a period where I do accept the end of the relationship and can actually move forward. I was reading some postings writtten by DA's on another site and man is that demoralizing. I saw L shut people out of her life and display no emotion, completely unaware. I'm mixed in with those others now.

I wanted to hold on hope that L would miss and reach out and try to share something with me, anything. But I just don't see that. It hurts to read how easily some can cut out others from their lives. I struggle with getting angry because logically I recognize that she's doing the best she can. It also hurts that anything written or said from my heart would not have her wanting to try to rekindle things. That's what has been painful these past few days, the awareness that she even is she was interested in reaching out she wouldn't fight for me. I would love to think and know that I'm being dramatic and that more time needs to pass for her to miss me and reach out but I can't see it. Reading how other unaware DA's just leave a path of heartache makes me think there is no chance.

I'm doing what I need to do (therapy 2x per week, EMDR starting next week, and exercise). I sleep like shit and struggle to get out of my comfort zone to try new things. I forget L and I's conversations. We were together for almost a year and I see the relationship for what it is through an attachment lens but wish she could break character 1 fuckin time. Hope is soothing yet I think logically delusional. L has a child, an ex who sees the child every other weekend (she's been rather secretive about that dynamic), full time job as a 5th grade teacher, and seems to be moving on from this relationship. I read how other male DA's often reach out but other than Scheme00 it seems female's move on. There's so much I don't know about L. I'm starting to see how messed up I really am and I'm sure I'm grieving more than the loss of L. I haven't had a healthy relationship since I was 28-30, since then they"ve all been rather unhealthy or just dating.

I wish I was a badboy but I'm a sweet, loving, charming, short guy. Not the type woman get sprung on. I want to 2 things: someone to tell me that L is missing me and will reach out and to come out of this happier, emotionally stronger, and healthier than I ever have been. So just in case whoever is reading this doesn't know L's last words via text were "I don't want a relationship. I want to be alone". I think she alluded to not wanting a relationship at this time but my memory escapes me.

That's it for now.

"I don't want a relationship. I want to be alone".

Unfortunately, you have to respect her wishes as a human being who has a right to determine every aspect of her own life.

My ex wife will never have a bar of me again. She does business regarding our daughter, she is friendly, but there is nothing there. What she had is gone. Left the building. Not even a shadow is left. And she would be a secure, that I pushed into avoidance by the F part of my FA. A full on dismissive isn’t bothered. You’re dead to them. Dismissive men circle for sex. Nothing else. Gee, I’d love to be the bearer of good news, because to watch you rip yourself apart over something that’s so far out of your control is just awful. It takes a while to go from the head to the heart. Admittance to acceptance. I’ll let you know when I get there as well.