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Post by trixie5179 on Oct 28, 2016 13:49:38 GMT
Is it possible for someone to be both a dismissive avoidant and a fearful avoidant? Looking back, my ex was definitely a fearful avoidant at the beginning and most of our relationship. But, during the actual breakup, he seemed very dismissive (like basically dismissing the whole idea of being with anybody).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2016 22:18:59 GMT
It seems to me more of a spectrum, but I really don't know. Also, I think a person's partner has a lot to do with which traits are emphasized or triggered.
But to your question, I think a lot of people (even secures) during a breakup will say something similar, they're giving up on relationships all together. Then people get some distance and are ready to try again. The difference with a dismissive is that they can probably do without a romantic relationship all the time, maybe even do better (or think they are better) without one.
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Post by trixie5179 on Oct 28, 2016 22:39:12 GMT
Mary,
Thanks, yes, you're right that even secures will say that about wanting to be alone. I know I've said that before, and then after some time felt ready again. Looking back, I think my ex is maybe dismissive when not in a relationship, but fearful avoidant when in one.... then when triggered reverts back to dismissive. I guess it makes sense that our attachment can change depending on circumstances.
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Post by fleur on Nov 1, 2016 8:06:19 GMT
Hi Trixie,
What are you have just described was exactly my ex. Fearful when in the relationship (scared, anxious, feeling suffocated and overwhelmed for no apparent reason after the honey moon period ended) and then, as soon as I ended it because he avoided me for 4 days, it was like a switch. He showed remorse for about 3 days until he turned into a total ass and then became a 'seductive withholder'. Would come back for some attention from me in the sweetest ways possible, only for me to not hear from him for weeks. He became increasingly narcissistic.
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Post by trixie5179 on Nov 1, 2016 14:45:05 GMT
Fleur,
Sorry to hear about your experience. It does sound similar to my ex. (although we have been NC since the breakup several months ago) Mine also avoided me for a couple days once the 'switch' flipped, and then his very cold rejection came. It's so hurtful and confusing for someone to do this in a relationship, especially when no communication happens. As he was dumping me, he did throw out a kind of "well I tried to warn you back then" referencing when, at the beginning of our relationship, he told me he was "afraid of losing" the side of him who could go weeks on end focused on his work and not even really eating or sleeping or talking to anyone. It was a red flag at the time, but I thought as long as we said we would communicate with each other if these feelings cropped up, it would be ok (but nope! none of that happened).
I guess from all this I've learned that I should walk away when someone I'm with continues to show such issues with 'losing themselves' and major trust/rejection issues with women. I tend to always see the best and hope for the best when I love someone, so it's tricky.
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Post by anonymous10 on Nov 2, 2016 4:11:28 GMT
Trixie! It is fleur here, I was using my account as a guest previously and came up with a random name!
I know it is incredibly difficult, and you often find yourself wondering whether there is a rational reason that made them flip the switch- but there isn't. Healthy people don't have feelings which are so erratic! I removed my ex from all forms of social media once I realised his game. When you were together, did you feel very much that he was falling for you? How fast was the turn around between the guy that seemed to want to be with you, and the switch? How dramatic was it?
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Post by trixie5179 on Nov 2, 2016 20:39:46 GMT
Hello Fleur-
Good job deleting him from social media! I've been going back and forth about doing the same, because I tend to get curious and look him up, which just makes me feel bad. So ultimately, I need to just delete, I think.
There wasn't really any drama with our breakup. I was honestly so shocked that I was speechless at some points. For a couple days before the breakup, he hadn't been communicating as often, so I just thought I'd give him space. A few days before that, we had seen each other 3 days in a row and were busy doing social things and activities together. I think having no time to himself and all the exposure to people triggered the breakup... Our last two weeks together I could tell something was 'off' about him: He was irritable, stressed, and just not himself. I asked several times what was wrong, and he would brush it off and say it was work (which was partially true) and stress. I believed him... because I trusted he would communicate if something else was up. By the time the breakup came around, I could tell he just wanted out, asap. It was so sudden to me, because I thought he enjoyed spending time with me, etc.... Turns out, he said to me, he had been wanting to be single and was unhappy for the past entire month! Which, coincided right around the time I felt like we were falling for each other. This is just my guess, but I do think he fell for me, and the dismissive worry/fear kicked in big time. With that, along with seeing each other a lot (too much for an avoidant personality who needs a lot of time alone) and not communicating anything to me.... I think he felt he just couldn't do it anymore and didn't see how any change was possible.
I still care about him, but we've been no contact since the breakup. There's a lot I wish I could say, but I think deep down I still want to fix things. I know that isn't possible though... He really doesn't see how he can be in a relationship without sacrificing his whole identity, because he's constructed his life rigidly like that (as a workaholic).
Is this their conscience choice, to push love away? Or, are they not able to see what they are doing? Sigh..
-T
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
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Post by katy on Nov 2, 2016 22:45:27 GMT
A few times, I've mentioned Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has extensively studied the biology of love rejection. She has found that re-exposing yourself to the stimulus of the person who rejected you is going to keep you hooked for a longer period of time than if you make active efforts to move on. She's got lots of articles and videos online. Here's one of her articles:
www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/03dumped.pdf
What I have noticed is that staying uninvolved has helped the specific details of who made what call and who sent what text fade to a blur so that I'm more thinking of the big picture that this person hurt my feelings and is unwilling to figure out how to do things better in the future, so my assessment is getting stronger that he's impossible for me to deal with. Avoidants seem to be very technicolor and dramatic, so it took a while for the blur to develop, but it finally does.
So, according to Dr. Helen Fisher, it's probably best to stay away from social media.
Best wishes,
Katy
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Post by anonymous10 on Nov 2, 2016 23:51:24 GMT
So crazy, you saying all of that is exactly what happened with me. He wanted out asap after a week of being slightly off, or distant. I tried to ask him if he was okay, if he needed space and didn't push him and he kept denying anything was wrong. He had this worried look though and a few times he said very randomly "I'm just so overwhelmed.." but couldn't articulate why. I think they can shift. Their emotions are so complex, what seems so black and white for us is not to them. Some days he may feel immense remorse or disappointment, but others he may feel nothing. This is because, think of it like this:
- He suddenly for no apparent reason feels the strong need to avoid you
- This translates into anxiety
- He can't pinpoint it but he knows you are making him anxious
- He wants out of that anxiety because of whatever has 'triggered' him
- He goes about his life thinking you just weren't 'right' for him if he inexplicably lost interest or had 'anxiety'
- You guys break up and his anxiety ceases
Think about how easy it is for them to believe that ^^^
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2016 16:33:21 GMT
"Their emotions are so complex, what seems so black and white for us is not to them."
This is so interesting that you see it that way. I have always thought the opposite. I find other people's emotions so complex and mine are so black and white.
Sorry to hear about the breakups. It can be difficult to find the right match. It's an evolution and you learn from each relationship what works for you and what doesn't.
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