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Post by tnr9 on May 8, 2018 11:55:08 GMT
I am not asking from a romantic perspective or from one of trying to manipulate things.....I do genuinely care about B and I know my natural AP tendencies overwhelm him and I would like to change that because he matters to me. I had been doing really well...letting him approach me, keeping conversations positive (I am not good at short conversations with him, and I admit I probably over do the positive stuff...because I don't time limit well), reinforcing the fact that I am here for him and will never leave him, that I believe in him and that I fully accept him. We had a good hang out 2 weeks ago....but then I did not hear from him and I started to get anxious (which is my issue...not his..just owning it). Other stresses came into play and by the time I saw him on Sunday...well..let's just say I was really emotional (crying) and when he asked me what was up...that led to a rather long conversation with an overall tone of I love, care, respect, admire you..but with a whole lot of desperation behind it. I revealed how I was struggling with seeing him chatting with other girls and that I was thinking about leaving the community. He actually started to well up and said he never wanted to hurt me and I told him that it was my issue...that I need to address it. When he left, I knew I had blown it. Too much emotion...too much desperation...and over sharing. I honestly feel wretched about it....because the last thing I ever want B to feel is unsafe with me. I am positive that my APness is making a much bigger issue out of this and I know we will be ok. But I don't know what to do now. As an AP...my first instinct is to really make sure he understands that I am sorry for what transpired...but thankfully, I know that is the complete wrong thing to do...because that approach is only to address my need to feel ok....it doesn't take him into account at all. So, I was thinking of giving him tons of space...no communication at all unless he initiates it...but I am not 100% certain that doing that is the best approach either. I know this thread has drifted a bit into dealing with a situation versus the overall question of safety..so I guess I would appreciate feedback on both. Again....I just want to get back to where we were pre Sunday. Thank you for your feedback.
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Post by tnr9 on May 8, 2018 13:09:16 GMT
Thank you gecko....2 weeks ago I told B I could not figure him out and he said (jokingly) that he could not figure himself out either. I did have one extremely brave moment (for me anyways) part of that other conversation from 2 weeks ago was him revealing that when he started to date me, he was lonely and looking for someone to cuddle (ouch!). I did not address that at that time...but on Sunday...I told him it hurt to think that it could have been anyone in our community and that I did not matter...to which he quickly agreed with my assessment of being hurt (which was so refreshingly mature) and then he added 4 things about me that were part of his decision to ask me out (wish I could remember them). I had a second one that did not go over quite as well....I told him I could not stay mad at him and when I was mad, it only lasted 10 minutes to which he said I had a right to be mad because he knows he has weaknesses etc. To which I shared that there was a time I was mad because I felt like he was claiming my safe zone..meaning the community group. I then said that I got over being angry because I realize the community group is not "mine". He did become a bit defensive and repeated that it was not mine, but then we returned to the conversation that is listed above.
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Post by mrob on May 8, 2018 13:21:03 GMT
I came across this when I ruined my life and those of my family a few years ago. It doesn’t exactly fit, but it’ll do the job of getting you out of where you are. You is what this is about, not what he did or didn’t do. Frankly, If you keep going on as you are, you will go round and round in circles until you go mad. If you do this on the premise of getting him back, he will see that. This is about your dignity. beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ |
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Post by tnr9 on May 8, 2018 15:24:10 GMT
I came across this when I ruined my life and those of my family a few years ago. It doesn’t exactly fit, but it’ll do the job of getting you out of where you are. You is what this is about, not what he did or didn’t do. Frankly, If you keep going on as you are, you will go round and round in circles until you go mad. If you do this on the premise of getting him back, he will see that. This is about your dignity. beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/Thanks mrob for your honest feedback....the list is very triggering as you can imagine...but I do understand the purpose. Also...he knows that my feelings for him are more than just friendship and that I am working towards being friends again. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 8, 2018 17:26:03 GMT
Hey mrob...that is one very daunting list...but I get the whole...create your own life so that "if" the other person comes back...you won't be overreacting, desperate, needy etc. I have decided to phrase the experience differently in my head...it was simply an opportunity to see how I handle being emotional around B...and the answer is..not very well...so the next time I feel that way, I will simply say that I am not feeling well and I will plan to talk to friends. That is my current strategy. Also....I am going to continue with the waiting on him to approach me instead....that may trigger me if he does not approach....but it will help me to create more healthy boundaries. In all fairness...I am handing this so much better then even a month ago. I actually feel like this will normalize as long as I leave it be. I am going to talk to my doctor as well because I think my thyroid medication may need some tweaking. I so appreciate the responses and support.
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Post by nottheonion on May 8, 2018 20:07:31 GMT
This is such a good question to ask myself too. What would make an avoidant like me to feel safe?
Early into dating someone, I feel the most safe when someone can reassure me he likes me but not overdo it. Tell me we’ll be moving slow but things between us are serious. Not take me for granted for sure. I feel that the more a guy tries to move fast with me, the more I panic. If I really like him too, it will eventually crash and burn for me. I won’t physically withdraw but emotionally I will distance and try to draw unnecessary boundary. I will also sometimes go into AP mode,
I also second other posters - if you find yourself trying too hard to reassure him, let go. Leave. Don’t enable him. When I get triggered and a guy enables me, I become more avoidant. If you tell me what the hell is wrong with me and leave instead, there is a chance I might reflect on myself and chase you back. I haven’t personally done it before tho. I’m more the “when it’s done it’s done” avoidant. But this doesn’t mean I don’t regret it later on
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Post by tnr9 on May 8, 2018 20:19:19 GMT
This is such a good question to ask myself too. What would make an avoidant like me to feel safe? Early into dating someone, I feel the most safe when someone can reassure me he likes me but not overdo it. Tell me we’ll be moving slow but things between us are serious. Not take me for granted for sure. I feel that the more a guy tries to move fast with me, the more I panic. If I really like him too, it will eventually crash and burn for me. I won’t physically withdraw but emotionally I will distance and try to draw unnecessary boundary. I will also sometimes go into AP mode, I also second other posters - if you find yourself trying too hard to reassure him, let go. Leave. Don’t enable him. When I get triggered and a guy enables me, I become more avoidant. If you tell me what the hell is wrong with me and leave instead, there is a chance I might reflect on myself and chase you back. I haven’t personally done it before tho. I’m more the “when it’s done it’s done” avoidant. But this doesn’t mean I don’t regret it later on Thank you...it is very good feedback. 🙂 I certainly plan to give him space and I hope he and I can eventually be friends....I just added a bit of a bump to the whole process. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 9, 2018 8:25:02 GMT
Thanks Gecko....I think that is what we all want at a basic level.🙂
Also...I want to thank you for what you wrote to flic in her post...very insightful.
My feelings have been all over the place...The only conclusion I have drawn is that it was too soon for me to attempt a friendship with B...I have never attempted friendship with a guy I dated....it has always been clean breaks...but I really thought I could plow through feelings of jealousy and get to a place where "hanging out" was possible...and we did have such a lovely time 2 Friday's ago. I honestly don't know where to go from here.
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Post by yasmin on May 9, 2018 11:22:24 GMT
As a simple answer to what makes me feel safe: consistency.
A person acts and speaks consistently.
A person's words match their action.
For me it is always any confusion which triggers me.
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