Post by mmoirai on May 8, 2018 11:57:06 GMT
I’m an AP working on becoming Secure. My ex, the man I love, is a DA.
My ex boyfriend and I knew each other as friends for a few years and worked together in the past, and dated a year and broke up the day after our anniversary (st Patrick’s day) Long story, but his dad was diagnosed with cancer a month after we started dating and it was a very long year with him battling and passing in January. My ex is devastated, of course. This is his dad!
The first two months we dated were fantastic. Casual, fun, just getting to know each other. No expectations. We saw each other once or twice a week and I always let him initiate. During that time, we talked about attraction and he told me he doesn’t like it when a woman gets too into him too soon. (Made sense to me...who wants to jump into serious too soon?). As far as sex, we had lots of it! And he told me I was magic because he usually took a long time, if even at all, to “finish”.
His birthday rolled around after two months. That was the beginning of my discovery of his Attachment style.
The week before, he invited me for a day hike. We took the day off work and took an hour road trip up to a great hiking spot, then came back into town and had lunch, and then stopped at a hot springs. That night we sat on his patio with a fire pit and he roasted marshmallows and played guitar and sang to me. (He’s a musician). We made love that night and again in the morning. He made me breakfast and we spent most of the day together. He then told me he was having a dinner with his friends to celebrate his bday and I should come. I accepted the invite and then said my goodbyes for the day so I could go get cleaned up.
I met him and his friends at dinner and sat next to him and laughed and had a great time. He seemed to get a little quiet as his friends all slowly said their goodnights and headed home to children and early mornings. He seemed disappointed that none of them could come out after dinner. I, of course, told him I would be happy to be his designated driver and we and one other couple headed down town. He got quieter. We went to his favorite bar and he didn’t even want a shot for his birthday or anything. We ended up sipping a beer and playing darts. And as let him show me how to play darts and continued to smile and laugh and flirt a little with him, he got quieter and more distant. Almost angry. He announced he wasn’t feeling the bar and wanted to go to another place, so we and the other couple headed out. And as he and I walked to his car, I asked if he was okay. He said he was in a weird moo. I told him that’s okay and to own it. He laughed, and then said “also, I’m not really into PDA”.
This shocked me. Let me explain: the first time he hit on me, we were out at a beer festival and kept running into each other. As the night progressed, we’d run into each other, compare notes on beer, and then part. Well, one final meeting in the throng of happy drunk people and he walks right up to me and kisses me! Like movie style!
So, here I am, shocked and frustrated because we had just shared the nicest weekend together and it was his birthday and now he’s almost mad at me and doesn’t like PDA. Screw that! Deal breaker! So I drove his ass home and kicked him out of my car. I texted him and told him it was a deal breaker for me. He responded that he was in a weird mood and let’s talk in a few days.
We talked on the phone and he said he said he was sorry and that he doesn’t spend that much time with anyone and he had just felt overwhelmed. He apologized and we agreed to continue to see each other. Well, before we could even see each other, I text him (probably the first time I’ve initiated), having a bad day and emotional about a run in with an ex and could I see him. He responded very....matter of fact and unfeeling hat he was busy. It was weird. The whole conversation was a disaster and as I tried to convey that I was looking for emotional support, he switched. He said I could come over and have sex that night (he worded it differently). I got mad and said no, and we exploded at each other.
He said things like that he couldn’t be my sole source of entertainment, that he wasn’t looking to have to answer to anyone, that o shouldn’t assume we have plans for the weekend if we haven’t discussed them,...weird stuff like that that made no sense when I was just asking to see him and was disappointed when he had made plans for the weekend without me with no hint. He said it had been a fun two months but he’s not feeling it and he’s done.
He called me a few days later and we sat down and talked at his place. He apologized for all of it. Said he didn’t know why he had pulled away at his birthday all of a sudden and was even angry with himself over it as it was happening (“oh no! A pretty girl likes me!” Was his inner monologue). He said he never dated more than 2 or 3 months at a time and never spends that much time with anyone. He said he just needed a little space but that he liked me and wanted to see me. I called him out on the PDA and he said he didn’t know what he was thinking. He asked me to please be patient with him. I asked him why he said he was done with me then, and he said he hadn’t wanted to be done but that I had been pushing and he was overwhelmed at the time. He said he didn’t know why and that maybe it was his birthday or things with his dad affecting him.
Well, we made up and made love and for 5 months we did really well on a romantic level. We saw each other one to three times a week. I usually stayed over Friday and Saturday nights. Some nights we stayed in and some nights we went out. Some weeks he just needed his own time. I found that if I would make my own plans for the week and sometimes plan to be busy in days we would normally spend together and give him a night to do what he wanted then he would make plans ahead of time with me the following week. He liked and needed his space. And I fell in love. Head over heals.
Things with his dad took a turn for the worse in August. This was all happening as he and I were starting to spend time meeting each other’s families and closest friends. By September, he had started withdrawing from me. He was hurting and grieving and needing to be with his family and I knew and accepted that. Of course he did. The end of September, he cancelled last minute on me again and said he just needed alone time and I finally got frustrated. I hadn’t seen him in a week, and this was the only night before I’d be gone for a week and we wouldn’t see each other for almost two more. So I broke down and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I understood but I also felt neglected. I had spent so much time with him and his friends and his family and he kept canceling when it was something in my life to take part in.
I went to Vegas that weekend and we didn’t talk at all for 4 days. Well, let me tell ya....longest 4 days ever! He called me later that week and told me he was going through this with his dad and he couldn’t contribute any time at all to me and that I either understood or didn’t and that was it. I understood completely and those 4 days had been torture reflecting on how selfish I felt and knowing it was my anxiety I was acting in when he just needed me to be patient and understanding. I told him I only wanted what he could give. He told me that was what he needed to hear.
He stared inviting me to spend evenings with his father who was on hospice now. Quiet, loving evenings with the man who had raised this man I loved. His mother had left when he was young. I watched helpless as my man grasped at faith, medicine, alternate medicine, and anything else to find an answer for his father’s cancer. We spent our evenings 1 to 2 nights a week, walking the dogs and having long conversations about everything. We would stay in and have movie nights. One night we stayed up all night talking about his fond memories and laughing. Most nights he didn’t want to talk about it at all.
His father died on January 11th. He asked me to come after work and when I got there, it was late. Most of the guests were gone, the hospice bed and all the equipment was gone. I hugged his step-mother and then wrapped my arms around this grieving man I loved so much. He clung to me and cried in my neck. I took him home and jabbered all the drive there. I warmed up a pizza and was doing his dishes and jabbering all the time and he came into the kitchen and just looked at me and said he loved me and that he was sorry it had taken him so long to say it. I told him I loved him too, kissed him, and carried on with my conversation. That was the first time we had said it. We had been seeing each other for 10 months. And then he said it often.
The funeral happened quickly, and I tired to stay out of the way and to be where I was needed and when. But now....now he was spiraling. With new conviction he was quitting his job, selling his house, and going off to travel for a month before coming back to start his own company. The first time I expressed fear over this, he shut me down. He would not comfort me. He took it as an attack instead. A week later his month long journey would now not include a girlfriend. He needed to “be completely free” and he loved me and it wasn’t about me. I cried and argued and tried to be understanding. We both ended up in counseling. And ultimately, we broke up the day after our 1 year anniversary. almost two months ago.
As I reflected, I saw the signs.
- he didn’t feel comfortable in long term relationships and each time we grew closer on an intimate level was when he would withdraw and my anxiety would trigger. Making me feel the need to ask for more time from him and him to perceive me as being too needy.
- he previously had “issues” with sex, enjoying it but he didn’t typically connect.
- he could not handle MY emotional needs. This was apparant early on and had I thought to talk with him about it, we might have been able to work on this, but I didn’t realize it at all. Each time I conveyed a hint of emotion that wasn’t casual and pleasant, he would turn off completly. And then he was just so emotionally and mentally drained with his father and being at a demanding job that he hated that I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to even try.
- he needed space from me after a day or two together. He would get overstimulated otherwise and shut down. We both acknowledged it even if we didn’t understand why.
- he stays super busy all the time so that there is no time for a more committed relationship. Keeps his calendar full, full, full!
In the end, he made up stuff in order to end it. He said he perceived that I would to “get married tomorrow” and that we were in two different places. Then it was that I didn’t love myself and I needed to know and love myself. (All bull crap). Then it was “I love you but part of my trip away will be to figure this out between us”. Then it was because he was so busy now getting ready for his lifestyle change and his trip that he just didn’t have the time to give to me that I needed. All this crap about me and my needs that he never even asked me about. Jerk! I was quite happy with our natural progression and wasn’t in any hurry.
I’ve tried to give him space to get all his preparations done. I text to see how he’s doing, but it hurts and he knows it so he keeps his replies short. I flat out asked him last week if he was done with me forever and he said he didn’t know and that was part of what he wanted to work through when he leaves for his month. (He leaves in mid-May). I know I shouldn’t have even asked that. He keeps so busy that he hasn’t grieved his father at all.
I’m trying so hard not to let my anxiousness get the better of me and over text him. I don’t call him.
I miss him fiercely. I love this man who has an amazing heart. I think losing his father has been this ultimate trigger for him and like he needs space from a romantic partner every few days, this....he needs this month of “freedom” to deactivate and heal. I know this.
Is there hope here? Should I just be ignoring him here? Not reaching out at all? It’s killing me not to be with him now and feeling like I’ve been used and thrown away, and knowing that’s not really the case. How do I soothe him? What can I do for him now that he’s ended it?
Is there anything? Any way to reunite with him? How do I go about this?
My ex boyfriend and I knew each other as friends for a few years and worked together in the past, and dated a year and broke up the day after our anniversary (st Patrick’s day) Long story, but his dad was diagnosed with cancer a month after we started dating and it was a very long year with him battling and passing in January. My ex is devastated, of course. This is his dad!
The first two months we dated were fantastic. Casual, fun, just getting to know each other. No expectations. We saw each other once or twice a week and I always let him initiate. During that time, we talked about attraction and he told me he doesn’t like it when a woman gets too into him too soon. (Made sense to me...who wants to jump into serious too soon?). As far as sex, we had lots of it! And he told me I was magic because he usually took a long time, if even at all, to “finish”.
His birthday rolled around after two months. That was the beginning of my discovery of his Attachment style.
The week before, he invited me for a day hike. We took the day off work and took an hour road trip up to a great hiking spot, then came back into town and had lunch, and then stopped at a hot springs. That night we sat on his patio with a fire pit and he roasted marshmallows and played guitar and sang to me. (He’s a musician). We made love that night and again in the morning. He made me breakfast and we spent most of the day together. He then told me he was having a dinner with his friends to celebrate his bday and I should come. I accepted the invite and then said my goodbyes for the day so I could go get cleaned up.
I met him and his friends at dinner and sat next to him and laughed and had a great time. He seemed to get a little quiet as his friends all slowly said their goodnights and headed home to children and early mornings. He seemed disappointed that none of them could come out after dinner. I, of course, told him I would be happy to be his designated driver and we and one other couple headed down town. He got quieter. We went to his favorite bar and he didn’t even want a shot for his birthday or anything. We ended up sipping a beer and playing darts. And as let him show me how to play darts and continued to smile and laugh and flirt a little with him, he got quieter and more distant. Almost angry. He announced he wasn’t feeling the bar and wanted to go to another place, so we and the other couple headed out. And as he and I walked to his car, I asked if he was okay. He said he was in a weird moo. I told him that’s okay and to own it. He laughed, and then said “also, I’m not really into PDA”.
This shocked me. Let me explain: the first time he hit on me, we were out at a beer festival and kept running into each other. As the night progressed, we’d run into each other, compare notes on beer, and then part. Well, one final meeting in the throng of happy drunk people and he walks right up to me and kisses me! Like movie style!
So, here I am, shocked and frustrated because we had just shared the nicest weekend together and it was his birthday and now he’s almost mad at me and doesn’t like PDA. Screw that! Deal breaker! So I drove his ass home and kicked him out of my car. I texted him and told him it was a deal breaker for me. He responded that he was in a weird mood and let’s talk in a few days.
We talked on the phone and he said he said he was sorry and that he doesn’t spend that much time with anyone and he had just felt overwhelmed. He apologized and we agreed to continue to see each other. Well, before we could even see each other, I text him (probably the first time I’ve initiated), having a bad day and emotional about a run in with an ex and could I see him. He responded very....matter of fact and unfeeling hat he was busy. It was weird. The whole conversation was a disaster and as I tried to convey that I was looking for emotional support, he switched. He said I could come over and have sex that night (he worded it differently). I got mad and said no, and we exploded at each other.
He said things like that he couldn’t be my sole source of entertainment, that he wasn’t looking to have to answer to anyone, that o shouldn’t assume we have plans for the weekend if we haven’t discussed them,...weird stuff like that that made no sense when I was just asking to see him and was disappointed when he had made plans for the weekend without me with no hint. He said it had been a fun two months but he’s not feeling it and he’s done.
He called me a few days later and we sat down and talked at his place. He apologized for all of it. Said he didn’t know why he had pulled away at his birthday all of a sudden and was even angry with himself over it as it was happening (“oh no! A pretty girl likes me!” Was his inner monologue). He said he never dated more than 2 or 3 months at a time and never spends that much time with anyone. He said he just needed a little space but that he liked me and wanted to see me. I called him out on the PDA and he said he didn’t know what he was thinking. He asked me to please be patient with him. I asked him why he said he was done with me then, and he said he hadn’t wanted to be done but that I had been pushing and he was overwhelmed at the time. He said he didn’t know why and that maybe it was his birthday or things with his dad affecting him.
Well, we made up and made love and for 5 months we did really well on a romantic level. We saw each other one to three times a week. I usually stayed over Friday and Saturday nights. Some nights we stayed in and some nights we went out. Some weeks he just needed his own time. I found that if I would make my own plans for the week and sometimes plan to be busy in days we would normally spend together and give him a night to do what he wanted then he would make plans ahead of time with me the following week. He liked and needed his space. And I fell in love. Head over heals.
Things with his dad took a turn for the worse in August. This was all happening as he and I were starting to spend time meeting each other’s families and closest friends. By September, he had started withdrawing from me. He was hurting and grieving and needing to be with his family and I knew and accepted that. Of course he did. The end of September, he cancelled last minute on me again and said he just needed alone time and I finally got frustrated. I hadn’t seen him in a week, and this was the only night before I’d be gone for a week and we wouldn’t see each other for almost two more. So I broke down and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I understood but I also felt neglected. I had spent so much time with him and his friends and his family and he kept canceling when it was something in my life to take part in.
I went to Vegas that weekend and we didn’t talk at all for 4 days. Well, let me tell ya....longest 4 days ever! He called me later that week and told me he was going through this with his dad and he couldn’t contribute any time at all to me and that I either understood or didn’t and that was it. I understood completely and those 4 days had been torture reflecting on how selfish I felt and knowing it was my anxiety I was acting in when he just needed me to be patient and understanding. I told him I only wanted what he could give. He told me that was what he needed to hear.
He stared inviting me to spend evenings with his father who was on hospice now. Quiet, loving evenings with the man who had raised this man I loved. His mother had left when he was young. I watched helpless as my man grasped at faith, medicine, alternate medicine, and anything else to find an answer for his father’s cancer. We spent our evenings 1 to 2 nights a week, walking the dogs and having long conversations about everything. We would stay in and have movie nights. One night we stayed up all night talking about his fond memories and laughing. Most nights he didn’t want to talk about it at all.
His father died on January 11th. He asked me to come after work and when I got there, it was late. Most of the guests were gone, the hospice bed and all the equipment was gone. I hugged his step-mother and then wrapped my arms around this grieving man I loved so much. He clung to me and cried in my neck. I took him home and jabbered all the drive there. I warmed up a pizza and was doing his dishes and jabbering all the time and he came into the kitchen and just looked at me and said he loved me and that he was sorry it had taken him so long to say it. I told him I loved him too, kissed him, and carried on with my conversation. That was the first time we had said it. We had been seeing each other for 10 months. And then he said it often.
The funeral happened quickly, and I tired to stay out of the way and to be where I was needed and when. But now....now he was spiraling. With new conviction he was quitting his job, selling his house, and going off to travel for a month before coming back to start his own company. The first time I expressed fear over this, he shut me down. He would not comfort me. He took it as an attack instead. A week later his month long journey would now not include a girlfriend. He needed to “be completely free” and he loved me and it wasn’t about me. I cried and argued and tried to be understanding. We both ended up in counseling. And ultimately, we broke up the day after our 1 year anniversary. almost two months ago.
As I reflected, I saw the signs.
- he didn’t feel comfortable in long term relationships and each time we grew closer on an intimate level was when he would withdraw and my anxiety would trigger. Making me feel the need to ask for more time from him and him to perceive me as being too needy.
- he previously had “issues” with sex, enjoying it but he didn’t typically connect.
- he could not handle MY emotional needs. This was apparant early on and had I thought to talk with him about it, we might have been able to work on this, but I didn’t realize it at all. Each time I conveyed a hint of emotion that wasn’t casual and pleasant, he would turn off completly. And then he was just so emotionally and mentally drained with his father and being at a demanding job that he hated that I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to even try.
- he needed space from me after a day or two together. He would get overstimulated otherwise and shut down. We both acknowledged it even if we didn’t understand why.
- he stays super busy all the time so that there is no time for a more committed relationship. Keeps his calendar full, full, full!
In the end, he made up stuff in order to end it. He said he perceived that I would to “get married tomorrow” and that we were in two different places. Then it was that I didn’t love myself and I needed to know and love myself. (All bull crap). Then it was “I love you but part of my trip away will be to figure this out between us”. Then it was because he was so busy now getting ready for his lifestyle change and his trip that he just didn’t have the time to give to me that I needed. All this crap about me and my needs that he never even asked me about. Jerk! I was quite happy with our natural progression and wasn’t in any hurry.
I’ve tried to give him space to get all his preparations done. I text to see how he’s doing, but it hurts and he knows it so he keeps his replies short. I flat out asked him last week if he was done with me forever and he said he didn’t know and that was part of what he wanted to work through when he leaves for his month. (He leaves in mid-May). I know I shouldn’t have even asked that. He keeps so busy that he hasn’t grieved his father at all.
I’m trying so hard not to let my anxiousness get the better of me and over text him. I don’t call him.
I miss him fiercely. I love this man who has an amazing heart. I think losing his father has been this ultimate trigger for him and like he needs space from a romantic partner every few days, this....he needs this month of “freedom” to deactivate and heal. I know this.
Is there hope here? Should I just be ignoring him here? Not reaching out at all? It’s killing me not to be with him now and feeling like I’ve been used and thrown away, and knowing that’s not really the case. How do I soothe him? What can I do for him now that he’s ended it?
Is there anything? Any way to reunite with him? How do I go about this?
