flic
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Post by flic on May 9, 2018 0:54:15 GMT
I'm updating this thread again, for myself (I'm sorry for even posting the previous entry, AP freak out). I originally posted this long winded play-by-play of the letter i got from my ex today. And then asking why it is that i still had hope.
After freaking out, I realised (with the help of my closest friend) that I've been lying to myself. Not just in the break-up, but throughout the relationship. I held my true self back because I adored him so much, and though he was never unkind, he was dishonest, and i let his needs come before my own. We were always incompatible, and I think i knew that, even though he did not. I take responsibility for that.
And the hope I had that we could make it work, even after getting a very lovely but very clear letter, that assures me we are not getting back together, is just me continuing to lie to myself.
So, this is what i sent back.
Dear X,
Thanks again for your letter. I've read it over many times.
I appreciate your honesty, your vulnerability and your kindness.
I need to say this now, because i know it will help me and it can't wait. And I hope it will help you.
I know that it is over. Completely and utterly over. You and me - as you said, are incompatible. There is nothing that can change this, as much i want there to be, and i had hoped there could be, and as much as we have shared an incredible and unique connection and relationship. I have probably known the truth about this for much longer than i wanted to admit, and whilst your letter is very clear, i realise it's actually up to me to admit it to myself. So i do. We can't be together. I accept that.
I would still like to speak to you next week, once all your work is finished. But i wanted to send this first.
With friendship
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Post by scheme00 on May 9, 2018 3:07:47 GMT
You probably feel horrible right now. Like the band aid was just ripped off your would that had healed just a little bit! I’ve been there. It sucks! The person is on your mind 24-7. You are trying to bargain at anything to rationalize to yourself that it can work out. But this is the way things are. Based off what he says I think YOU need some time-out from dating. You’re very anxious and just want to have this fantasy that you’ve made in tour head come true. You are guilty of distorting reality. I can only offer the following advice. That is, to tell yourself that it may work out with him one day. But you’re clearly both hurting right now and have your separate issues. You need to fix those and go No Contact. Months will pass. You will wake up one day and realize where it all went wrong and how it’s not the correct time for you two to be together. Once you have BoTh worked on tour issues and your wounds have healed, then you will be in a better place to reconcile. “BUT SCHEME00, I WANT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM NOW!” Too bad. He’s not going to vanish off the face of the earth. He will still be the guy that was attracted to you and respects you. Don’t ruin that by being insecure, needy and turning into a crazy ex that makes him run for the hills cause you won’t let go. Have INFINITE PATIENCE. And know that you may both have a second shot later when you are both healed and have worked on your insecurities. <3
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flic
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Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 9, 2018 7:02:03 GMT
You probably feel horrible right now. Like the band aid was just ripped off your would that had healed just a little bit! I’ve been there. It sucks! The person is on your mind 24-7. You are trying to bargain at anything to rationalize to yourself that it can work out. But this is the way things are. Based off what he says I think YOU need some time-out from dating. You’re very anxious and just want to have this fantasy that you’ve made in tour head come true. You are guilty of distorting reality. I can only offer the following advice. That is, to tell yourself that it may work out with him one day. But you’re clearly both hurting right now and have your separate issues. You need to fix those and go No Contact. Months will pass. You will wake up one day and realize where it all went wrong and how it’s not the correct time for you two to be together. Once you have BoTh worked on tour issues and your wounds have healed, then you will be in a better place to reconcile. “BUT SCHEME00, I WANT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM NOW!” Too bad. He’s not going to vanish off the face of the earth. He will still be the guy that was attracted to you and respects you. Don’t ruin that by being insecure, needy and turning into a crazy ex that makes him run for the hills cause you won’t let go. Have INFINITE PATIENCE. And know that you may both have a second shot later when you are both healed and have worked on your insecurities. <3 Decided on a different strategy. Well actually, same strategy but without the hope. Let him go, utterly and completely. Take control and tell him I accept that it is over. Let the healing begin.  |
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flic
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Post by flic on May 9, 2018 12:46:54 GMT
@gecko Thanks for your response. I actually think he is an FA, not sure why i posted this here, but when i first read about Attachment Theory i thought DA. But, i know he does crave relationships and intimacy, he's just terrified of them. For the first year of our relationship, i always felt a bit like he was a little boy in some ways, who i needed to protect. It was really beautiful, and I'll never regret the relationship we shared, even though it all fell apart so quickly upon moving overseas. He said our incompatibilities were my temper and his dishonesty. Which I feel come pretty solidly from our attachment styles - I was terrified he was going to abandon me overseas, and as soon as i acted out or threw a tantrum, he was terrified i was going to leave and felt unsafe, and sought out other options. He also lied a lot during our relationship, which i now realise was because of his intense fear of us getting closer and closer. He said he wrote half a dozen versions of the letter before settling on one, and it did take him 3 weeks to write it. It's interesting you had similar experiences of letter writing I actually feel a bit relieved now that i have told him I've accepted it is over. To be honest, I haven't been doing anything really crazy, he didnt even know i hadn't accepted the break up until i sent him that message a few weeks ago, and even then it just said i had hope, based on a conversation we had where he apologised for everything and said he missed me all the time. It was Juniper actually who suggested i say it, to be honest with him about why i wanted to go back, apart from getting all my stuff. As for that, I'm not sure. Today might have been enough closure for me, but the fact remains that all my stuff is over there, and i do feel like seeing the city again after i left it so abruptly might do me some good. The whole thing has taught me so much, and I'm grateful to him for all the good, and all the bad which has illuminated so much about myself. |
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Post by leavethelighton on May 9, 2018 23:56:16 GMT
That's awesome he wrote it (so you could move out of that sort of limbo of unknowing we can get stuck in). There's a lot to be said for knowing what other people think and feel. I'm kind of jealous  It makes me wonder if you will feel like you shifted to a new place of accepting it's over-- or if it will be more like a spiral thing of accepting/not accepting/accepting/not accepting but moving towards a place of more complete acceptance over time. Also, I hope you get your stuff back soon |
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flic
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Post by flic on May 10, 2018 0:31:12 GMT
That's awesome he wrote it (so you could move out of that sort of limbo of unknowing we can get stuck in). There's a lot to be said for knowing what other people think and feel. I'm kind of jealous It makes me wonder if you will feel like you shifted to a new place of accepting it's over-- or if it will be more like a spiral thing of accepting/not accepting/accepting/not accepting but moving towards a place of more complete acceptance over time. Also, I hope you get your stuff back soon Yeah, as much as some of the letter made me angry, it was also very compassionate and in particular, very acknowledging of the magic of our relationship. I think I just answered your question on the other thread about fanning the flame. I think at the moment - the second. It's definitely moved me on somewhat, if only because it's now clear i won't be ever living over there again. So i have to re-start my life here properly. That seems to have halted some of the fantasies in my head that would come to me throughout the day. Also, i think it's made me even more determined to work on my own issues - my anger and temper, that were my part in our incompatibility. Not for him, but because they are always going to damage any relationship, and instead of dealing with them in this one, i sought to hide them for as long as possible. |
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Post by goldilocks on May 11, 2018 10:07:56 GMT
Also, i think it's made me even more determined to work on my own issues - my anger and temper, that were my part in our incompatibility. Not for him, but because they are always going to damage any relationship, and instead of dealing with them in this one, i sought to hide them for as long as possible. This is a great idea! Are you in therapy? |
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flic
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Post by flic on May 11, 2018 14:26:38 GMT
Also, i think it's made me even more determined to work on my own issues - my anger and temper, that were my part in our incompatibility. Not for him, but because they are always going to damage any relationship, and instead of dealing with them in this one, i sought to hide them for as long as possible. This is a great idea! Are you in therapy? I am doing some talk therapy which i've done before and have never found it very useful. I also did existential therapy which was good for what i was going through at that time. But, I've just found a Somatic Experiencing / Gestalt therapist in my city who deals specifically with Attachment trauma. It's going to be expensive as i know it will take time, but i am really committed to working on this. My lack of ability to regulate my emotions and self-soothe has contributed to the ruin of both my my most precious relationships (and probably the choosing of emotionally avoidant partners), and I don't want that to happen again. I'm actually really excited to get started. |
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Post by goldilocks on May 11, 2018 17:16:29 GMT
That sounds very good! Regulating emotions is a very important skill you will hopefully learn.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 12, 2018 0:10:31 GMT
There's actually something called existential therapy? Fascinating...
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flic
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Post by flic on May 13, 2018 3:38:45 GMT
There's actually something called existential therapy? Fascinating... Quite useful when you're questioning the meaning of existence and life generally... Lots of philosophy and talk about our overwhelming fear of death that often rules so many parts of our lives. There's a psychotherapist called Irvin Yalom, he writes wonderful books based on his experiences with patients. Staring At The Sun and Love's Executioner are two i recommend. |
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