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Post by seethelight on Nov 9, 2016 10:14:37 GMT
hello everyone. I have been following this forum since it began, and can relate to so much written by others. My boyfriend of 5 years, and who is a dismissive, is currently in one of his occasional anxious states which require him to withdraw from the world for a while. I have grown used to them, and have always been very supportive and reliable, which reduces his stress in respect of our relationship. This time though, something strange had happened, and partly as a result of me having so many friends and acquaintances - a necessary thing when in a relationship with a dismissive, esp. when we live an hour way from each other. In a nutshell, a man, who I have known platonically, and when he was happily married (now divorced) has shown an interest in me. He doesn't know about my boyfriend as I never previously got into deep conversation with him. Until yesterday. In the street. I sensed his interest, and I Was a little fearful of it because it felt wrong. But he is so easy to talk to, was married for many years, a dad etc. Yes, he is divorced, but so am I. He has bought a new house, and has asked me if I would like to pop round to see it ( we both have an interest in DIY and house improvements etc). There is an attraction, but I love my boyfriend, who has tried very hard with us. But the dismissive traits are wearing me - I'm less threatened by them - but perhaps it's because I am subconsciously giving up. I would like to be married again one day, but I know that this will never happen with him. It might never happen anyway, but with my boyfriend it isn't even an option. I feel very bad and guilty thinking these things, but at the same time I don't want to make a mistake by staying in something that is wrong for me.
i know that no one can tell me what to do, but I have shared this because I was so shocked how easy it is to talk with this man. I have been compromising and accepting for so many years that I forgot that not everyone is like this. It felt just so much more natural.
thanks for reading
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Post by Gay anxious on Nov 9, 2016 20:09:25 GMT
If you are sure he is not avoidant and you are into him, not just lonely because your boyfriend is distant at the moment, I think you need to ask yourself some things. How important is being married to you? Can you be happy knowing it will never happen? If it's essential to your happiness I say you tell your boyfriend and see if it gets him to seek counseling. This is not to pressure him, a marriage you pressure someone into will not be a happy one. But if he legitimately wants to make you happy and needs counseling to get him to make that plunge that is another matter.
If marriage is something you can be happy without, then I say continue to work with your partner and see if you can be happy in this relationship. My avoidant ex said he wanted to get married but we could never stop getting into fights and the relationship eventually fell apart. I would never want to see anyone go through this. My ex is the only avoidant I will ever deal with ever again if the opportunity presents itself.
You need to worry about your happiness, as partners we owe our partners consideration, respect, and appreciation. But after 5 years you know the problem and have seen what efforts he can make. Are you happy or not? I'm very against leaving someone because someone else comes along, it seems dishonest and callus, BUT maybe this guy is just a reminder that you do have other options out there and if you aren't happy you should make yourself available to those options.
Not sure if that helps, no judgement, dealing with an avoidant is tough, even for secures I hear. How do you asses yourself if you don't mind? Anxious or secure?
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Post by Gay anxious on Nov 9, 2016 20:11:37 GMT
If you are sure he is not avoidant and you are into him, not just lonely because your boyfriend is distant at the moment, I think you need to ask yourself some things. How important is being married to you? Can you be happy knowing it will never happen? If it's essential to your happiness I say you tell your boyfriend and see if it gets him to seek counseling. This is not to pressure him, a marriage you pressure someone into will not be a happy one. But if he legitimately wants to make you happy and needs counseling to get him to make that plunge that is another matter.
If marriage is something you can be happy without, then I say continue to work with your partner and see if you can be happy in this relationship. My avoidant ex said he wanted to get married but we could never stop getting into fights and the relationship eventually fell apart. I would never want to see anyone go through this. My ex is the only avoidant I will ever deal with ever again if the opportunity presents itself.
You need to worry about your happiness, as partners we owe our partners consideration, respect, and appreciation. But after 5 years you know the problem and have seen what efforts he can make. Are you happy or not? I'm very against leaving someone because someone else comes along, it seems dishonest and callus, BUT maybe this guy is just a reminder that you do have other options out there and if you aren't happy you should make yourself available to those options.
Not sure if that helps, no judgement, dealing with an avoidant is tough, even for secures I hear. How do you asses yourself if you don't mind? Anxious or secure?
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Post by seethelight on Nov 9, 2016 20:46:49 GMT
Hello, thank you for your reply. You are spot on in your comment that this has made me think that I might have options. I'm into my boyfriend, not that man, but it shocked me. I really had forgotten what it was like to talk to, and be attractive to, a non-avoidant.
I am generally secure, but have a few anxious triggers which my boyfriend activates. No one else has ever had that effect in me. Rather, I can be a little dismissive myself - I will be deterred by an anxious type, and can recover quickly from a broken relationship, except for one man who I fell in love with some years ago. We were mad about one another, and then he ended it abruptly. I felt like my heart had been torn out.
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Post by Jaeger on Nov 9, 2016 23:19:27 GMT
How happy are you now? Are you getting fulfillment from being with your boyfriend or are you holding on waiting for it to get better so you can be fulfilled then. In the latter case, that moment may neber come. The true question I would ask myself is if you'd be happy if nothing changed. If not, the next would be how likely it is that he is willing and able to change to the degree you need to be happy.
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Post by Gay anxious on Nov 10, 2016 0:15:18 GMT
I don't think you would be here if you weren't unhappy to some degree. I've read somewhere being with an avoidant can turn even a secure person anxious. You really need to assess whether you love your boyfriend and are happy with him enough to risk becoming anxious, it can have a lasting change. Avoidants have a tendency to end even long term relationships so assess his commitment to you. But I think all this should be done with a nonconfrontational conversation. Tell him you love him and you understand his problems and express your desire for things to be different and ask his willingness to help you get he relationship to somewhere more mutually agreeable, and his commitment to stay. Even if he is willing to work and to stay ultimately its whether you can be happy or not. I wish you the best of luck.
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