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Post by nottheonion on May 16, 2018 21:27:53 GMT
So I finally took the time to read every post on avoidant subs. I’m surprised by how many people actually go back and forth with their avoidant ex. For what? How do you even have the strength to go back to someone who prefer their phanthom ex over you, find faults in you, don’t wanna commit to you, find it hard to give affection etc.
I don’t mean to offend or upset anyone here. I’m geniunely interested to know since no matter how much I care for my ex and how much I know all the “theories” behind his problems, I could not get myself to go back there again. I try and hold no hard feelings for him and I do wish him the best. Staying with him hoping sth will change however will kill me and I could never get myself to do it. I thought about staying with him as I really wished to grow as a secure. I just couldn’t do it. Breaking up was the best decision. I regretted going to him for FWB and reiterating that I want nothing more. I wish I had just gone no contact.
Sometimes I do feel sad that he didn’t fight for me to go back. But I have a feeling I’d feel way better off in the long run than getting into push and pull cycles.
So what gives?
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Post by scheme00 on May 16, 2018 21:52:15 GMT
We all have different ways that things ended, attachment styles, levels of insecurity, other datingoptions, time spent with the other person. All of these factor in WHY we go back. If you have low self esteem and zero dating options and don’t meet many people you are more likely to go back than someone who has healthy self esteem and other people clamoring to take them out. I only want my ex back because my ego can’t bare to think that she cared about me so little she lied and just moved on without me. So we all have different reasons, nobody logically wants to be in a bad relationship.
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Post by DearLover on May 16, 2018 22:18:28 GMT
I am kind of glad that my ex decided to ghost me when I expressed that perhaps we weren't a good match.... so it means there is no going back. I know I would end up giving him another shot.
It hurts a lot that he wasn't willing to fight a little bit for me and for us. I am not demanding and very easy to please. A little would go a long way, I am very forgiving and he knew it.
Reasons for going back in no particular order (for me and other people)
* low self esteem
* no other dating options
* fear of being alone
* fear of meeting someone worse
* fear of starting again
* proving that your love is real
* feelings of guilty - " I do everything wrong, it is all my fault, I have to change"
* proving that they still love you / want you / desire you
* not wanting to feel like you actually wasted you time
* need of validation
* need of control
* worries about what other people will think
* don't want to feel like a failure (again)
In my case, my ex was the most handsome, witty, successful, intelligent, insightful, good listener, caring, kind, loving and creative partner I ever had .... on his good days... I also was the most secure with him that I ever have been... So it was hard for me to accept that it is over. I believe we could have been together longer if we both had more self awareness and better communication skills. Shame I didn't know about attachment theory however I knew I needed more intimacy and I asked for it in very relaxed and reasonable ways. Perhaps he just wasn't that into me. Or maybe his issues were far more greater than what he could cope with.
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Post by nottheonion on May 16, 2018 23:11:03 GMT
So this all sounds like fear of not meeting someone better or not being desirable. Do you seek other potential partners at the same time while trying with your avoidant ex?
To me my self esteem and ego were hit so hard by his fault finding, lack of trying and mentioning his phantom ex there was simply no going back. I do miss him. I see a lot of people working things out with their avoidants or trying again. I imagine doing that with my ex but he simply destroyed my trust by all his behaviour I don’t think I can ever look at him and say this is the man I can rely on.
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Post by mrob on May 16, 2018 23:18:37 GMT
By not going back, not participating in push/pull, you’ve proven you’re far more secure. Be happy you’re not as sick or dysfunctional as you may have thought!
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flic
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 17, 2018 4:32:53 GMT
I am kind of glad that my ex decided to ghost me when I expressed that perhaps we weren't a good match.... so it means there is no going back. I know I would end up giving him another shot. It hurts a lot that he wasn't willing to fight a little bit for me and for us. I am not demanding and very easy to please. A little would go a long way, I am very forgiving and he knew it. Reasons for going back in no particular order (for me and other people) * low self esteem * no other dating options * fear of being alone * fear of meeting someone worse * fear of starting again * proving that your love is real * feelings of guilty - " I do everything wrong, it is all my fault, I have to change" * proving that they still love you / want you / desire you * not wanting to feel like you actually wasted you time * need of validation * need of control * worries about what other people will think * don't want to feel like a failure (again) In my case, my ex was the most handsome, witty, successful, intelligent, insightful, good listener, caring, kind, loving and creative partner I ever had .... on his good days... I also was the most secure with him that I ever have been... So it was hard for me to accept that it is over. I believe we could have been together longer if we both had more self awareness and better communication skills. Shame I didn't know about attachment theory however I knew I needed more intimacy and I asked for it in very relaxed and reasonable ways. Perhaps he just wasn't that into me. Or maybe his issues were far more greater than what he could cope with. Man, you nailed that list. ALL THESE THINGS. |
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flic
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 17, 2018 4:34:18 GMT
Also, I think the mirroring element is strong. If your ex encompasses traits you feel you lack or wish you had, you potentially used them to artifically 'complete' yourself. After all, Anxious/Avoidants are attracted to each other for what they think they can heal, but also to compensate for what they think they lack.
So when it ends, there is a part of you that feels like it was ripped away - the parts of them you were using to feel whole. Another reason why the drug analogy is a good one - we use drugs to artificially give us access to parts of ourselves or feelings we don't already have. Losing that is one hell of a come down. The craving to have it again can surpass all logical and rational thought processes around them not being right, or the way they treated you.
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Post by nottheonion on May 17, 2018 13:41:04 GMT
By not going back, not participating in push/pull, you’ve proven you’re far more secure. Be happy you’re not as sick or dysfunctional as you may have thought! , I really really appreciate you said that. I want nothing more than being a secure myself and being in a secure relationship. Being on and off with some definitely won’t help me achieve that. I really did blame myself partly that things ended this way as I wasn’t aware of what my attachment style did to my behaviour. I’m just glad that everything happened as it did. |
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Post by mrob on May 17, 2018 14:51:11 GMT
I look at two people in particular and see they have far more peaceful lives away from me. Let me tell you it does nothing for the ego!!! That’s why this stuff needs to be sorted. I can’t be doing this stuff to others.
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Post by nottheonion on May 17, 2018 15:57:07 GMT
I look at two people in particular and see they have far more peaceful lives away from me. Let me tell you it does nothing for the ego!!! That’s why this stuff needs to be sorted. I can’t be doing this stuff to others. I do wonder if some people just live in this pain forever and never realise what’s going on because “this is just life” for them. When I look at my ex, his phanthom ex from 3 years ago and the girl who he pulled the same b/s on before me, I knew he wouldn’t change. My self esteem would not allow me to stay with this man in any way. I’ve come a long way to learn to be (semi) secure with myself and be emotionally independent, being with an FA just adds nothing to my life. Not a damn thing. |
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Post by yasmin on May 17, 2018 17:40:24 GMT
When I kept taking my ex FA back, it was because I am also FA and he triggered my AP side.
If that hadn't happened, no way would I have done it. It wasn't fun, it was like being tortured and it was so demeaning to me.
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Post by nottheonion on May 17, 2018 18:54:26 GMT
When I kept taking my ex FA back, it was because I am also FA and he triggered my AP side. If that hadn't happened, no way would I have done it. It wasn't fun, it was like being tortured and it was so demeaning to me. He triggered my AP side big time too but I left him simply because there was absolutely no way I would stay with a guy who wasn’t sure about me. I’m hoping this is a sign that I am approaching the secure side. I don’t know why I’m still feeling so upset about this. It’s been ups and downs for me. |
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Post by bedlam71 on May 18, 2018 1:21:56 GMT
Intermittent reinforcement is very powerful. It's the same type of reinforcer in gambling, which is why gambling addiction is hard to treat. Even the most secure person can get sucked into this.
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Post by nottheonion on May 19, 2018 15:34:28 GMT
Intermittent reinforcement is very powerful. It's the same type of reinforcer in gambling, which is why gambling addiction is hard to treat. Even the most secure person can get sucked into this. But it seems that only AP will fall for this?? Anything but consistency will just push me away. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 19, 2018 15:46:13 GMT
Intermittent reinforcement is very powerful. It's the same type of reinforcer in gambling, which is why gambling addiction is hard to treat. Even the most secure person can get sucked into this. But it seems that only AP will fall for this?? Anything but consistency will just push me away. Oh..so this!!! It seems aloofness is my weakness these days. |
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