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Post by nottheonion on May 19, 2018 17:30:19 GMT
The only thing keeping me away from my ex is the fear of experiencing the worst anxiety of my life all over again. Tragic thing is, that AP side of me is the thing still holding out hope/longing even though I know he's a hopeless case - at least for now. So I stay avoidant in my actions because it is the only way I can control my anxiety, even though I desire him greatly. It really blows and I am upset about everything too - the way I was treated, the way I ALLOWED myself to be treated, the time wasted, the struggle I have with staying away and wanting a future with him, knowing all his sh*tty bits but still 'loving' him, and not being able to distinguish between my heart and brain or trust my own judgement. I do hope that my ex will change soon one day too. Not to get back together. I don’t believe he’d find love if he constantly chases after that particularly type of girls who would make him feel safe rather than being secure within himself first, getting to know people and appreciate people for who they are. I want nothing more than him realising he was pushing people away so that he can change and find himself a great girl. I don’t believe there’s a future for us but I do wish him nothing but the best. I guess after a month of feeling angry I can finally make peace with the whole thing, even tho he said something very hurtful to me just last weekend and I had to “end it” again with him. I feel grateful having met him and being able to learn to be more secure day by day. I think it’s great being able to love unconditionally, no matter how they have done us wrong. I want the ability to “love” him, despite the way he treated me. And I think I’m getting there. I love myself too. That’s why I let him go. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 19, 2018 17:40:09 GMT
The only thing keeping me away from my ex is the fear of experiencing the worst anxiety of my life all over again. Tragic thing is, that AP side of me is the thing still holding out hope/longing even though I know he's a hopeless case - at least for now. So I stay avoidant in my actions because it is the only way I can control my anxiety, even though I desire him greatly. It really blows and I am upset about everything too - the way I was treated, the way I ALLOWED myself to be treated, the time wasted, the struggle I have with staying away and wanting a future with him, knowing all his sh*tty bits but still 'loving' him, and not being able to distinguish between my heart and brain or trust my own judgement. I do hope that my ex will change soon one day too. Not to get back together. I don’t believe he’d find love if he constantly chases after that particularly type of girls who would make him feel safe rather than being secure within himself first, getting to know people and appreciate people for who they are. I want nothing more than him realising he was pushing people away so that he can change and find himself a great girl. I don’t believe there’s a future for us but I do wish him nothing but the best. I guess after a month of feeling angry I can finally make peace with the whole thing, even tho he said something very hurtful to me just last weekend and I had to “end it” again with him. I feel grateful having met him and being able to learn to be more secure day by day. I think it’s great being able to love unconditionally, no matter how they have done us wrong. I want the ability to “love” him, despite the way he treated me. And I think I’m getting there. I love myself too. That’s why I let him go. Great job in owning the fact that you want something he cannot offer but you wish him well for the future. I love myself and I love B, but the whole "releasing him" bit hasn't happened for me and I still want him back. Stan Tatkin actually speaks to this..he says we tend to focus more on wanting the other person versus wanting the relationship. As such, we don't consider what we want and what our partner wants in a relationship and seeing whether they align or not. I am working towards it...but it hasn't happened yet. |
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Post by nottheonion on May 19, 2018 20:44:18 GMT
I guess what made it easier for me to let go was that I knew deep down I just like the idea of the perfect partner, trapped in my ex’s body. I knew that if he didnt have to ability to treat me the way I deserved, I don’t want him. It was pretty much just a fantasy all along. Sometimes it’s so easy to lose touch with reality when we’re attracted to them, as shallow as it sounds but we’re only human.
I’ll definitely be jealous too if my ex finds someone soon. But I learn that him being happy won’t take anything away from me. Being angry with him also won’t add anything to me. At this point, he plays no role in whether I will end up happily ever after with someone.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 25, 2018 2:05:25 GMT
I think hope is hard to let go of... When you have a lot of feelings for someone, and the connection had certain attributes that you rarely or never have had before, it's difficult to not want it back even if the person isn't reliable. I have been in a situation where I finally felt like I met someone who spoke the same language, like I felt deeply understood or known, like someone could finally see the beautiful side of me in ways nobody else could, like our connection was rare.... and so even though they could turn their efforts on or off like a light switch, and they could throw it away or disappear (more than once), I could spend years (have spent years) wishing they would turn it back on and keep it on. That hope doesn't die easily. Also, what was said above about the power of intermittent reinforcement  It's ironic because I often wonder how on earth people gamble or get addicted to drugs, that seems like something I would never do.... But man, when it comes to human relationships, I have experienced how intermittent reinforcement is very, very powerful. And once we are hooked, if the other person doesn't continue to provide it, we create it ourselves one way or another (fantasy, social media viewing, reading old emails, our own reaching out, etc. etc.) There's also denial, like how is it even POSSIBLE for them to really walk away from this, surely they haven't, etc. So we keep trying. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 25, 2018 2:58:52 GMT
I think hope is hard to let go of... When you have a lot of feelings for someone, and the connection had certain attributes that you rarely or never have had before, it's difficult to not want it back even if the person isn't reliable. I have been in a situation where I finally felt like I met someone who spoke the same language, like I felt deeply understood or known, like someone could finally see the beautiful side of me in ways nobody else could, like our connection was rare.... and so even though they could turn their efforts on or off like a light switch, and they could throw it away or disappear (more than once), I could spend years (have spent years) wishing they would turn it back on and keep it on. That hope doesn't die easily. Also, what was said above about the power of intermittent reinforcement It's ironic because I often wonder how on earth people gamble or get addicted to drugs, that seems like something I would never do.... But man, when it comes to human relationships, I have experienced how intermittent reinforcement is very, very powerful. And once we are hooked, if the other person doesn't continue to provide it, we create it ourselves one way or another (fantasy, social media viewing, reading old emails, our own reaching out, etc. etc.) There's also denial, like how is it even POSSIBLE for them to really walk away from this, surely they haven't, etc. So we keep trying. Yes..there is this whole inner monologue...what if I do this, what if I try that....surely there is something I can do. On and on...with every YouTube video or podcast or book..anything that speaks to what men want, attachment theory, relationship advice...always looking for something I haven't tried...it is exhausting. |
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