Dismissives' Thoughts and Long Term Relationships

I was in a relationship with, I believe, and extremely dismissive man for 10 years.
He had sever alexthymia, an inability to linguistically describe his emotions, he once said he experienced his emotions as swirling masses of color to which he had no ability to map language on to. Over the course of couples counseling he expressed that his love for me was out of an ever present knowledge that I was with him, even if he forgot to call or otherwise remember I existed separately from him. When he noticed my absence for a period of time he felt like he was missing something.
He once even said that I completed him, a very unlikely sentiment from and avoidant and to this day I wonder if he said it purely because it's something people like to hear in our society. I had to accept that he showed his love in gifts, doing things for me, and occasionally physical affection. Verbal communication of love beyond 'I love you' was almost impossible to coax out of him. When I asked him why he loved me I only got that I was smart and attractive and after several years he added that I loved him when he was fat and didn't feel attractive(he wasn't fat, suffered from body image issues which he has gotten over by becoming ridiculously fit which I am convinced played no small role in his leaving the relationship).
Loving him was hard, I know it's not what you are suppose to say but it was, and for him, loving me was hard, I was constantly angry that he pulled away, my protest tantrums were nothing I have ever experienced outside of the relationship, the insecurity and worthlessness I felt from his near constant rejection was soul crushing.
I am glad from your other posts that as a secure you do not react as negatively to you wife's needs. Hopefully some dismissive a here can provide an insight more helpful.

Hi. I have been with my partner for five years. He does love me. He has said so, but it is nearly always when distressed following a disagreement between us. As we don't tend to fall out, this isn't often. We have had one very traumatising (for both of us) 'event' when, following something quite serious, I told him that I couldn't be in a relationship with him anymore. I was very calm and logical during this event (partly because I was in shock but also because that is how I mostly am) but during this time I somehow found a way for us to work through it. In other words I stayed and gave our relationship another chance. I couldn't leave him. For about 4 weeks post this event he was the most affectionate, verbally loving, desiring man that he has ever been. I think that somehow, the trauma sort of temporarily halted his defensive / dismissive traits because he was busy working on regaining my respect for him ( which he did, and I also worked on myself too). Since then, he tries his best, but has reverted to attachment form in some respects. Because he wants us to work - I am very important to him - he will occasionally express his love in written form. He might say that I am a beautiful person (not beautiful), or that to be on the receiving end of my love is a precious thing. He tells me that I ground him, and that my moral compass makes him look at things differently. He never calls me sexy or darling etc. He has also never told me that he is in love with me. He says that he doesn't 'feel' feelings, but understands that other people (like me) do. He has also told me that as the closest person to him, it make me a very scary person. We have a physical relationship because he knows that without it I would struggle. Whilst he does like sex, his preference would be to have it in a casual relationship - ie before emotions start coming into play. However he is physically loyal to me. In a nutshell, unless emotionally distressed, he shows his love through actions, and doing things to maintain our relationship (and they are really big efforts for him as a DA) rather than words or touch. However, the latter is given to me because he wants us to work, so he swims against the tide a lot. He is very supportive and caring - but is like that to everyone, although I get a much bigger slice of it.

In turn, I am loyal, reliable, calm, compromising, reassuring and very caring. But he does test me sometimes, and I am far from perfect. However he knows that I too try my best. I also sometimes swim against the tide, but probably not to the extent that he does, as I am more secure and so giving him plenty of space, not making demands on him, and understanding his limits isn't such a big deal. We have plenty of challenges, and whilst he says that he doesn't 'need' relationships, he does a heck of a lot to keep us together. I know he loves me, because he chooses to do these things.

Happy to answer any questions if any of this resonates, Jo

I am a dismissive avoidant, as well as an avoidant in psychological terms.... I have been married over 40 years to the same woman. Early on, I decide to be myself, and not try to fake what I am not.... I try my best to meet her needs, and to put her first....

Two writers came up with 10 laws of type, for Myers-Briggs. Number 4 is: " Type is an explanation, never an excuse. " If anyone is treating you badly, that's on them! A a practical matter, just how much of your life, are you willing waste on a person who won't treat you right?

I am a dismissive, who tries to do the right thing, even if I can't have long discussions about my " deep feelings "; whatever they might be. And no, I'm not a robot!

Zack
I was married to a DA woman with perhaps a smidgen of FA in her. Was married 14 years. Still tied mercilessly to her via children. It will all kill me yet. Whoopee.
I started out a pathetic anxious fool. My mother had all but abandoned me at age six. Actually, she had a psychotic breakdown and was never the same. Who knew back then what that was gonna turn me into, right? So I eventually meet this woman, and I don't know it, but she comes from parents who seem ultra normal and nice but in reality, they never ever showed any affection for this woman. These people truly are "whistle past the graveyard" types, always pleasant, and utterly incapable of depth. It was hellishly perverse perfection: Me acting pathetic, thinking I needed a super nurturing woman to "rescue" me, and her going into hyperactive lovebombing mode to pretend to be something she wasn't. After tremendous Kafkaesque suffering,
I eventually gained knowledge of this problem, and my problem, and reduced my expectations of intimacy with my DA wife to something much more resembling normal levels. But it didn't matter. About two quasi-almost-intimate moments every half decade or so is all she can handle or else her circuits fry out and she's gone again. Still here, but gone.
Anyway, as to your question:
My ex, and the one I still mercilessly tied to via the children, I remember on a FEW occasions, she would speak of loving me, and using the actual word love. However, if it was a plain declaration of love to be taken seriously and not a glib remark, then she only ever would state that when she had witnesses. Never with me alone. I realize now she was "working the crowd," so to speak. I just noted at the time how monotone her voice was, and how unusually forced and deliberate her speech was when she was saying the words--and she is an extrovert that otherwise is very gregarious and verbally adept.
So her verbal affirmations of love for me: she could say the glib, meaningless "I love you"s as you're saying goodbye to go to work or whatever, but giving a serious verbal declaration of love was another story.
And her actions, her total ungratefulness for no matter how hard I worked for her, and her total alienating me whenever I should get ill---hey, actions do speak louder than words, don't they?