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Post by stayhappy on Aug 9, 2018 14:27:17 GMT
I am curious about somethings and I would be grateful if someone could explain about it.
Pulling away when things are good. Before you guys got to know about attachment style, were you conscious when you were pulling away someone?
If pulling away comes from fear of intimacy, could you recognize this fear? Is it something you guys felt in the body (more fisical symptoms) like “cold in the belly” or in your thoughts?
How does it feel to be afraid from a DA perspective.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 14:36:11 GMT
I am curious about somethings and I would be grateful if someone could explain about it. Pulling away when things are good. Before you guys got to know about attachment style, were you conscious when you were pulling away someone? If pulling away comes from fear of intimacy, could you recognize this fear? Is it something you guys felt in the body (more fisical symptoms) like “cold in the belly” or in your thoughts? How does it feel to be afraid from a DA perspective. yes. when my recent partner (not ap dynamic) and i got very close the feeling of vulnerability was raw and overwhelming. I was aware that i felt love for him and then immediately convinced myself i was wrong to feel it, i had gotten carried away, and i must end it immediately and not put myself in the position of longing for what i cannot have. i did not trust that if i opened to the deep feelings i could be ok. i would give up my autonomy and safety. it wasn't about me being selfish and wanting no one to cramp my style. it was about "i love him. now i cannot be ok without him. something could happen. better to stay apart, than to feel this intensity". I still struggle with this in my life. but it's like having a knee that catches. i will be walking along engaging, my knee catches, but i don't fall down. it's not excruciating. i shake it off and get back to stepping healthily. but i am aware that i have a catchy knee. This whole thing is very different from distancing because of repulsion. it may look the same but very different internally. and if i distance because of repulsion i don't try to counter it, i'm just done. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 14:43:58 GMT
as to the physical sensations.
pulling away because intimacy has been established:
i have described it here as feeling that i have no skin.
feeling that my lungs are exposed to open air,
difficult to breathe when normally, i breathe deep and easy with my partner.
my eyes sting with tears when this happens and i get a lump in my throat.
If i continue deactivating i feel detached and tell myself all the reasons this is not suitable for me. onward! but difficulty letting go, really, just hurting. a very sad and difficult and confusing place for me to go.
detaching due to repulsion:
cold, perhaps angry, determined not to allow disrespect of me. Self protective in a good way. disinterested in engaging the dynamic.
relieved!!
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 9, 2018 15:20:53 GMT
I am sorry to hear all this juniper. It must be really terrible to feel those things. I guess that when DAs feel those psysical and interior feelings they will do their best to hide it from their partner right? I have wrote somewhere here is this forum about a few times that I could see this fear on my ex, on his breath, voice, eyes. It’s so sad that most of times he would “choose” to go through those “panic” moments alone. As someone secure I know how relieved is actually is to know that I can count with someone if/when things get hard  |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 15:24:54 GMT
I am sorry to hear all do this juniper. It must be really terrible to feel those things. I guess that when DAs feel those psysical and interior feelings they will do their best to hide it from their partner right? I have wrote somewhere here is this forum about a few times that I could see this fear on my ex, on his breath, voice, eyes. It’s so sad that most of times he would “choose” to go through those “panic” moments alone. As someone secure I know how relieved is actually is to know that I can count with someone if/when things get hard thank you for recognizing the pain of this. last i felt it with my partner i was the big spoon and he was the little spoon and i just tried to breathe normally so he wouldn't feel me breathing differently, and i tried to be very smooth about the way my nose was running a little bit, and wipe my tears and try to get them to stop. i stayed hugging him and we were holding one hand so i couldn't cover my face. but he couldn't see me. i recovered ok and didn't distance that time. i just was really raw and i accepted that i would have to be brave to continue. so i tried just to be brave. it's really intense. i know what anxiety is and it is nothing at all like anxiety. i don't have relationship anxiety but i have felt terrible anxiety over other situations like job loss or loss of home. its not a fast and panicky feeling. it is like a deep slow pain. bittersweet and powerful. and just raw. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 15:35:01 GMT
honestly even writing about it i feel pain in my throat but i don't mind to talk about it.
thank you so much for asking i feel really good that you want to know, with a compassionate understanding of what this may be like for me.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 16:08:25 GMT
i have healthy and "developing to healthier" relationships and situations in my life now, almost without exception.
i notice that i experience deactivating thoughts several times a day and it's just a catchy knee.
if i was romantically involved with my previous partner at this point i still would have to work hard to stay vulnerable.
i am earned secure but this is a life time of deep nervous system and psychological and emotional conditioning i am overcoming.
i avoid (in a healthy and mature way) toxic dynamics.
my system wants me to avoid healthy dynamics sometimes too. i know the difference, and test secure for a reason. but this is my condition- Dismissive working toward secure. i'm proud of myself, also. i feel good about being able to care about myself enough to face all this.
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 9, 2018 16:53:41 GMT
honestly even writing about it i feel pain in my throat but i don't mind to talk about it. thank you so much for asking i feel really good that you want to know, with a compassionate understanding of what this may be like for me. At first I was unsure if I should ask such a privat and sad thing but I really wanted to know and try to understand how it feels. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable but I think you are really strong who wanted to share it. I hope that your healing process continue going forward! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 17:01:43 GMT
honestly even writing about it i feel pain in my throat but i don't mind to talk about it. thank you so much for asking i feel really good that you want to know, with a compassionate understanding of what this may be like for me. At first I was unsure if I should ask such a privat and sad thing but I really wanted to know and try to understand how it feels. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable but I think you are really strong who wanted to share it. I hope that your healing process continue going forward! there is no need to apologize at all! i am thankful you asked and are sympathetic. mostly i encounter attitudes that are extremely unempathetic and unsympathetic to DA pain. Or, attitudes that deny DA pain even exists. Or, assertions that DA have no feelings other than for themselves. So, i have for the most part chosen to stop being vulnerable here while still wanting to connect and offer my support (which is not always received the way it is intended) to stay engaged in my own awareness of my process. I appreciate your warmth and kindness around this and i feel good about sharing. I have to stay alert to my day and i actually became tearful at one point of reflecting on this, and i don't mind. I would be totally willing to engage about it further when i can (logistically working with my responsibilities) allow myself to feel and express deep emotions. they are there. So, please feel free to ask me questions such as this, your tone was open and not denying that i might suffer, you were simply wanting to understand HOW i suffer. it's a huge, and much appreciated difference! When the time is right in my day i can engage with it- at a time that it is appropriate for me to actually cry. stupid lump in my throat gets overwhelming! 😑 |
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 9, 2018 18:19:46 GMT
At first I was unsure if I should ask such a privat and sad thing but I really wanted to know and try to understand how it feels. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable but I think you are really strong who wanted to share it. I hope that your healing process continue going forward! there is no need to apologize at all! i am thankful you asked and are sympathetic. mostly i encounter attitudes that are extremely unempathetic and unsympathetic to DA pain. Or, attitudes that deny DA pain even exists. Or, assertions that DA have no feelings other than for themselves. So, i have for the most part chosen to stop being vulnerable here while still wanting to connect and offer my support (which is not always received the way it is intended) to stay engaged in my own awareness of my process. I appreciate your warmth and kindness around this and i feel good about sharing. I have to stay alert to my day and i actually became tearful at one point of reflecting on this, and i don't mind. I would be totally willing to engage about it further when i can (logistically working with my responsibilities) allow myself to feel and express deep emotions. they are there. So, please feel free to ask me questions such as this, your tone was open and not denying that i might suffer, you were simply wanting to understand HOW i suffer. it's a huge, and much appreciated difference! When the time is right in my day i can engage with it- at a time that it is appropriate for me to actually cry. stupid lump in my throat gets overwhelming! 😑 Thank you! I have to confess that I got some tears while reading those things you wrote. If other could understand that some of DAs behavior come actually from fear it would maybe be easy. But seems like most people are so concentrated in their own pain that they forget that our way to feel fear and pain are different. Not explicitly showing what we are really feeling is not the same that not feeling not at all. As you maybe remember I just broke up with a guy that may be a DA and in some indirect way I think he showed some pain, happiness, missing, relief... At least I think I could recognize some of those things sometimes, it was not many times he would express this with words (or with the “right words”) but by paying attention to his actions I could understand/see quit a bit of the unsaid feelings. As a secure I am here dealing with my break up pain. It’s really not like a DA would feel it, maybe more like APs but without the fear. I feel a little bit selfish by leaving him of a reason that maybe was not even that big, I feel like I am just one more person who showed him why he should not get close to anyone. At same time I feel like it would probably never get so much better, maybe I would leave in a hope. I wanna setlle down and it is painful to wake away when I actually would like to stay. Of course if there was a way to convince him that I am not going anywhere as long as he want me to stay, as long as we are happy together and that there is no reason to be afraid, I would choose it. It may sounds selfish that I’m choosing what is best for me but I wish from all my heart only the best for him because although our “relationship” was a little bit confused sometimes, I know he did his best and he deserves to be happy as mush as I do. It’s really sad that DAs are so misunderstood here in this forum. I hope that this post you wrote oppen some eyes and people try to understand and feel empathy for DAs as well! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 18:33:21 GMT
ii am very moved by what you said to me. that's all i can say about that right now but would like to talk more about it later.
as to your grief, i am so sorry. i don't think you are being selfish- i think you are taking care of you, and we really do have to distinguish when a situation is not as supportive of us as we need.
My partner and i are not romantically together for very deep and painful reasons that are not connected to our compatibility. The bottom line is, we cannot meet each other's needs now or for the foreseeable future.
it's complicated but simple too. Very sad for both of us, and we mutually agree on things and continue to care for each other and be friends with boundaries.
So i understand how sad you are. It's nobody's fault, it just is not workable right now and it's so healthy you know that. we can not compromise to the point of causing ourselves pain in order to hold on to a partner that cannot meet us.
It is a process of awakening to that, honoring that, and choosing with love, to let go, of whom we love.
i hope being here helps you, it helps me even though i cannot bring my issues here so much because it isn't helpful for that- but i do empathize with other insecures, AP and FA and also secures who are hurting.
i believe relationship issues give us a window into our soul- the pain and the beauty as well, so we all benefit by pulling together to try to sort this stuff out.
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 9, 2018 18:51:22 GMT
juniper I really appreciated getting to know more about how DAs actually feel. Thank you for sharing your experience! And feel free to write more things if you want and have time. I wish that attachment issues could be healed with antibiotics! It is painful and it takes a lot of self work to get to a safer place.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 18:58:51 GMT
juniper I really appreciated getting to know more about how DAs actually feel. Thank you for sharing your experience! And feel free to write more things if you want and have time. I wish that attachment issues could be healed with antibiotics! It is painful and it takes a lot of self work to get to a safer place. oh how many times have i wished i could just be better, feel better, not suffer with it. Thank goodness i have been able to experience this love though. for the most part , my partner and i were very relaxed and easy together. that makes the separation very sad. But! i have learned he and i don't have to stop contact- we just have had to adjust and have boundaries. I have learned that i can love him and care and be very real and relaxed with him even if our relationship changed. so, it is better than losing each other completely. and neither of us are moving on to settle down with anyone else or even be involved- so it's two dismissives doing their together thing apart and apart thing together haha. Everybody's growth is different and you have to know and understand deeply what is right for you. you sound lovely, i also wish your dismissive former partner could just feel better and things be ok for you. we dismissives do long for relationship also. we are different in terms of our habitat and intimacy diet and creature comforts lol- but we love love also. |
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 9, 2018 20:21:15 GMT
juniper I really appreciated getting to know more about how DAs actually feel. Thank you for sharing your experience! And feel free to write more things if you want and have time. I wish that attachment issues could be healed with antibiotics! It is painful and it takes a lot of self work to get to a safer place. oh how many times have i wished i could just be better, feel better, not suffer with it. Thank goodness i have been able to experience this love though. for the most part , my partner and i were very relaxed and easy together. that makes the separation very sad. But! i have learned he and i don't have to stop contact- we just have had to adjust and have boundaries. I have learned that i can love him and care and be very real and relaxed with him even if our relationship changed. so, it is better than losing each other completely. and neither of us are moving on to settle down with anyone else or even be involved- so it's two dismissives doing their together thing apart and apart thing together haha. Everybody's growth is different and you have to know and understand deeply what is right for you. you sound lovely, i also wish your dismissive former partner could just feel better and things be ok for you. we dismissives do long for relationship also. we are different in terms of our habitat and intimacy diet and creature comforts lol- but we love love also. I’m so happy you and your ex could find a way to stay in touch and connect even if it is not in a romantic way. As long as both are feeling good with how things are going it is just awesome! As I am not a dismissive I think it is hard to understand why committing with someone you like seems difficult. But between two dismisses this beautiful “love-friendship” seems to work well. I actually want that my partner to be my best friend and best lover but I still want to be in a “real” relationship haha He did reach out some days ago, explained his behavior, said sorry and wanted to continue the thing we had. I was thinking about saying “ok, we have until December to continue seeing each other but efter that I need you to decide if you want a relationship or not”. But it does not feel good to press him and well he is unaware of his attachment style so I guess it’s harder for him to recognize when he is deactivating. He can get out the space he wants, I have a life outside my relationship too, but I need communication 🙁 He send some friendly texts sometimes, I do answer, It does not bother me at all, I just hope he is not in so much pain. Maybe someday we can be friends. I am friends with my two other ex. |
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 9, 2018 20:22:57 GMT
juniper and of course you seem to be lovely too! So impressive that you have got so far with your healing! How did you get to know about attachment style?
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