Noticing Insecurity Within

this is the work!
i'm so sorry that you feel this way, but from what i read, it is a very painful part of the AP narrative , that when real love and intimacy is offered, an AP is unable to receive it and instead deflects like that.
When love is offered to me, i have deflected also believing that to trust it makes me too vulnerable- it must be a trick to get something from me.
Neither perspective is generous or gracious to those who love us.
All i can say is that it makes me sad that you feel this way and i don't know how to help, specifically, other than to say that this awareness is really good for you, so you can recognize the lies of your conditioning and hopefully start finding the truth about yourself, which is a much more gracious and generous truth than you are accustomed to. 🌸

notalone, the first paragraph of Jeb's article on anxious preoccupied type addresses that inability to believe that you are truly loved, and tnr9 posted a thread about ambivalent attachment and the Heller Test that mentions it-
does it resonate with what this brought up for you?
here's that article-

jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-anxious-preoccupied/

i think Jeb does offer tips but he also recommends a book on his website about transforming from anxious to secure-
if you look around on his main site he links to it.

Yes, a lot of that sounds familiar.

ok going to possibly suck at this, and i am sorry if i am off key.
I don't really understand it, but i wonder, and please tell me if this is stupid, would it be helpful to be a little cynical about that those thoughts, and challenge them with skepticism?

I mean, what exactly about you is so unlovable?
Like, do you run over every puppy you can, and hoard all the gumballs? Have you ever tried to come up with some good reasons that support you being unlovable, or have you only tried to convince yourself, that you're lovable?

I'm not trying to be insensitive At All... but really, how can you be so bad? average people are likeable and lovable... even below average people in looks, intelligence, earning power , talent, personal hygiene, whatever, are lovable. surely you don't score low in every area you could assess, if those attributes were even connected to lovability- which they aren't.

What about challenging the thinking that some people like your friend are lovable, surely you love her- to some degree, but you are not? Surely you aren't so uniquely flawed. You aren't. it's just your little kid brain thinking there is something wrong with you because your parent wasn't attentive due to their own issues, and kids always think they caused stuff, everything is their fault. It's some kind of magical thinking we all have, when we are kids. We can wish hard and it will come true. Someone told me if i pray Jesus will answer so all the way home from school on those scorching afternoons i prayed my heart out to Jesus to make me a little blue bird that could fly. I prayed every day and really tried to believe. It was disappointing.
Or, our parents divorce and we think it's because we left our socks on the floor one too many times. It's sad, kids blame themselves for so much.

I hope i didn't come off wrong , i'm seriously trying to be helpful. i humbly admit i can't fully understand the pain you are having but i am sympathetic.


oh and here is the attachment style test
dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/

it breaks it down a little differently and her site has some good info.

oh good that post of mine was really clumsy lol.

well, i had a very good friend who really struggled with depression and anxiety and agoraphobia and i really liked her a lot. she and i went different ways because our kids hated each other, they all had trauma and it was stressful .
But, as a friend, she was caring, very validating, hilarious, and could always empathize with how i felt.
she had a cute quirky way about her because she felt self conscious but she was a good friend.

i bet your friend really means she misses you.
lots of people feel compassion for depression and anxiety, especially if a nice person suffers with it.

It’s funny you know, some of my closest friends suffer from depression and they’re awesome people. I guess I can be too. 😌

I think when I’m in dysfunctional romantic situations, my view of myself gets tainted by negativity, and it carries over into how I see myself overall. When I’m in a healthy relationship or doing ok on my own, I tend to feel much less badly about myself.

I feel you there, notalone. I have it like you, and it has been so all my life.
It comes down to silencing that inner critic that keeps telling us that we are worth nothing, that we are defective and unlovable. This voice in us (generally coming straight from our parents) takes way too much space in our daily inner dialogue. It is very convincing and keeps coming back for more, especially when you are in a weakened position.

When it comes to receiving compliments and love from friends, I can say that I have an easier time than I used to for accepting them. It no longer clashes with my inner beliefs as much as it used to. When it comes to romantic relationships though, I feel unfortunately just as unlovable as always (attracting DAs doesn't help either....but now I manage to pull away from them quite quickly).
Yesterday, I told a colleague at work, who's becoming a friend, that I've always struggled with depression, anxiety and very low self-esteem. This came into the discussion as he asked me about my dating life (I've been single for 4 years, after a 7 year long relationship with a secure person). Since he enquired about the reasons of our breakup, I told him that it was mostly due to those issues. What a surprise for him! He would have never guessed. To him, I am this super friendly, social, likeable person, who does lots of super interesting things in life. Perhaps I can hide it this well because I act like a secure person in friendships, something that I cannot do in romantic relationships (at least, not for long). Even in friendships though, it feels like my insecurity is so obvious! Especially my constant self-doubt. I still crave attention, love and compliments.

As for tools and how to change....I am currently reading "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving", by Pete Walker. It's not exactly about attachment theory, but goes one level deeper. It applies to all those who've had some sort of developmental trauma in childchood, through abandonment, neglect etc...I'd recommend it to anyone struggling with chronic depression and anxiety, shame and low self-esteem. It seems more appropriate for those with an anxious attachment, but I think his analyses and tools can also be applied for dismissive and fearful attachments.
His tools focus on reducing the power of the inner critic through mindfulness, self-compassion and grieving work for the inner wounded child in us. Nothing exactly revolutionary, but the whole package is very comprehensive and integrative, he addresses so many layers at the same time. He also brings up chronology in it, what to do when. He is also a recovered cPSTD sufferer, working now as a psychotherapist.

What Juniper wrote is true. We anxious feel that we need everyone else to love us, while what we really need is to love ourselves.
I'm still convinced though (and this is something backed by all the therapists I've had) that receiving and accepting love from others, in all its forms, helps us towards this goal of managing to love ourselves. The emotional part of our brain needs to be swayed this way, to counteract our real emotional memories from rejection and abandonment in childhood. We can't do this alone.