Trying to find my way back to generosity

Thanks so much juniper!  Taking it one day at a time.

This is really important to recognize!!! I made this same mistake.

Why did I try again with my ex? Externals. Yes, he was spending all his time with me again, but that's easy to do with no pressure. So I was gauging him by some things that he was finally addressing in his life that he wouldn't deal with two years ago. I also thought, externals must be driven by internals.

This measurement was extremely incorrect! He was changing habits, not facing his core issues, the ones that make him struggle with being happy. Our problems were not solved because none of his changes reflected healing, management of fear, or consistency. He hadn't gone to therapy or gone deep on inner work, and fundamentally hadn't changed at all. He just had nicer packaging (such as, upgraded furniture in his house). So, he eventually cycled the same exact way all the way around, and we ended up back apart.

I wonder, do you see B through a lens of, he's so much better than me, look at all these changes that were easy for him to make while I'm struggling? He's on his pedestal "moving on" (AP: high opinion of others), while you're pushing yourself down and struggling to do the same (AP: low opinion of self)? So thinking that way allows you to perpetuate the negative thinking while deflecting from your own work?

I completely agree with you that this is at least partially related to your parents putting you in that position. My experience with narcissists is receiving a full imposition of the idea that you must have a high opinion of them because they are better than you. Growing up with two would drill that into your head. But that doesn't make it true.

What if you try to flip the whole narrative? Don't worry about what B is doing or if he's fundamentally growing or changing. You really don't know, and it sounds incredibly unlikely he really is. If so, bravo to him, but I assure you that if it's the case, he's not struggling with it any less than you are.

But, put it out of your mind to the extent you can!

What makes you proud? That's what's more important. What can little tnr9 look up to, as you take your rightful place as her protector? For starters, your own steps forward in this journey and the courage that takes? What else?

You're doing great right now, making small mindset shifts one day at a time and looking to keep growing. Keep focusing on your own path, even if it feels unnatural to do so. The discomfort means, you're doing something right.

So I had a bit of a breakthrough last night....which caused me to get only 5 hours of sleep. I had the following come to me and by the time I started to write it down, I was already beginning to lose the adult perspective so it remains unfinished. The bits in () I think are moments where I start to slide again.

Dear B,

I am in a bit of a "pickle" and (I need your help to resolve it). I have come to the conclusion during this break that seeing you week after week does not help me to "get over you" and instead of reacting out of some (misguided fear) I would rather respect our friendship and collaborate with you on next steps. This may sound like I am backtracking on my earlier comment that I don't want you to leave the community on account of me, but I still hold to that and I recognize that this is my issue to resolve. I plan to talk to L next week about stepping down as the lead of the newcomer team. I just need more time apart to allow my heart to fully heal.

After that, I lost my train of thought...honestly, I had writer's block....but it was awesome to even have that moment of adulthood. No crying, no trying to manipulate things. Just being clear/respectful and honest.

Then I had this image...I remembered when B first came to the community...he would go to social events with his son. It was like his son was his "crutch".  I had a friend say that when he first met B, it was his son who introduced him.  It was just good to remember that as much as I see myself as struggling...I know he has had his moments too.

All day today, I've actually been a bit removed from him...and it has been great. We texted a bit and it really did not impact me when he did not reply...but now as I am considering things...I wonder if I am emotionally numbing myself and not necessarily taking care of my little girl, but instead quieting her instead of nurturing her. Being states away has really helped and being in a hotel that has no connection to his and my time together has been refreshing. But I only have 2 more days before I head back. I'm not sure whether I should complete the above email that I was going to send. the idea was to see whether he would be willing to work with me and find another community or whether I should just go ahead and remove myself. The thing is...I don't have anything else in my life and that is where all my friends are...so I don't know what will replace it.

I agree with Alexandria. Don't worry about what other people think about your choices. It's all part of the journey. Keep focusing on what you need/want.