|
|
Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 6:53:39 GMT
I realized that many times when I say/think "I love you" it is very painful and I feel a constricting sensation in my heart. I never said "I love you" to my last exgf until after we were broken up and for years I never said it to my parents either until maybe a year or two ago.
Can anyone else relate to this? One of the signs of avoidance in the "attached" book was listed as "not saying 'I love you' even while acting as though you do have feelings for the other person and staying together sometimes for years" and I can relate to that, but in wondering does anyone have the experience of feeling actual pain when saying or thinking those words?
|
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Aug 29, 2018 10:05:09 GMT
My boyfriend broke up with me some months ago telling me he didn't love me (I told him I did). I thanked him for his time and told him I understood breaking up with me because of that, even if I did believe he loved me (seems like something very naive to think, but I honestly felt he did. It was super weird, I've never felt that with anyone else). When we reconnected he finally said he did love me and that he reacted that way because of this. It might sound cliché for some people but I honestly believe him. Soo my two cents. Now when he tells me these words I treasure them like they are gold  I need words as a love language so knowing he struggles saying it but doing it anyway (and quite a lot) makes me feel very appreciated and happy. I understand the weight of them for him. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2018 10:25:49 GMT
When B broke up with me he told me he would have said I love you more but he did not want me to have expectations for a future.
Have you explored what specifically it is about the words that causes that physical reaction? Do you feel as B did...that those words carry an expectation towards something? I think B saw something rather manipulative/controlling in saying I love you without feeling like there was a future.
|
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Aug 29, 2018 12:14:09 GMT
I do want to avoid saying it unless I really mean it and intend to have a future with this person. I want to be as honest as I can and if this is not yet what I am feeling, I would rather say I feel attracted or I care deeply for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Aug 29, 2018 12:16:33 GMT
In fact, I am now realising one of the reasons I fear closeness is that I loathe creating expectations that would weigh heavily on me. Another layer peeled off...
|
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 12:55:36 GMT
I do want to avoid saying it unless I really mean it and intend to have a future with this person. I want to be as honest as I can and if this is not yet what I am feeling, I would rather say I feel attracted or I care deeply for you. Yes, I agree with this I never wanted to say it if I did not feel it and I wasn't sure i did, I also felt the weight of commitment in those words and that scared me. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 12:57:12 GMT
In fact, I am now realising one of the reasons I fear closeness is that I loathe creating expectations that would weigh heavily on me. Another layer peeled off... hey, that makes me feel good. Even if it doesn't help me, this whole self exploration thing will help others...and maybe others will find this website in the future! |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2018 13:00:07 GMT
I do want to avoid saying it unless I really mean it and intend to have a future with this person. I want to be as honest as I can and if this is not yet what I am feeling, I would rather say I feel attracted or I care deeply for you. Yes, I agree with this I never wanted to say it if I did not feel it and I wasn't sure i did, I also felt the weight of commitment in those words and that scared me. And from the opposite side...I said it from day one of dating...because that is how I felt. I felt I loved him in the process of getting to know him (we had been friends for about 6 months before we started dating). |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 13:02:42 GMT
When B broke up with me he told me he would have said I love you more but he did not want me to have expectations for a future. Have you explored what specifically it is about the words that causes that physical reaction? Do you feel as B did...that those words carry an expectation towards something? I think B saw something rather manipulative/controlling in saying I love you without feeling like there was a future. Hmmm, yes, I think that it was suggestive of a future and commitment and anything to do with the future made me highly anxious. I also thought that if you said you loved someone, it should be forever...otherwise what is the point of it? And being terrified of the future that's not something I could do. But...hearing her indicate in other words that she loved me, or was falling for me also terrified me because it made me think she was going to find out I couldn't reciprocate and leave me. I really wanted her to have feelings for me, but not too much. |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Aug 29, 2018 14:33:50 GMT
Ohhh, very different for some people. Some think it's about loving the process, others about expectations, compromise, future… it's very interesting. My mother tongue is spanish so we have different phrases for different cases. 'Te quiero' meaning more along the line of appreciation (for friends, family or a budding and young 'love'), and 'Te amo' when you love someone in a profound way, for long-time partners, spouses, etc. I understand in english context should apply and I find it interesting it's a bit confusing. |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Aug 29, 2018 15:53:50 GMT
I realized that many times when I say/think "I love you" it is very painful and I feel a constricting sensation in my heart. I never said "I love you" to my last exgf until after we were broken up and for years I never said it to my parents either until maybe a year or two ago. Can anyone else relate to this? One of the signs of avoidance in the "attached" book was listed as "not saying 'I love you' even while acting as though you do have feelings for the other person and staying together sometimes for years" and I can relate to that, but in wondering does anyone have the experience of feeling actual pain when saying or thinking those words? Admitting to love - even to oneself, it allowing vulnerability and can lead to a feeling of being out of control - of having to trust in another person, which is something I have found difficult. Sometimes it's easier to wall off from these kind of emotions as a form of self protection - the actual speaking and feeling makes the emotion real. I don't have trouble with the commitment or expectation, but I do have trouble actually voicing the words - it's almost as though I become tongue tied - no idea why really, but I am sure it's related to being vulnerable and being uncomfortable with this. It's like exposing the soft underbelly and literally cringing to wait for the blow to fall upon it. Wierd since I have never really suffered a terrible painful loss - but I often behave as though I have. My SO didn't say it to anyone - ever nor to me for six years - now he's better at it than me and I have some catching up to do! |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 16:37:02 GMT
Could it also be a Love Language Thing? And that some people are more vocal, some more tactile ect.? I've not read the love languages book, it is on my list! But yes, I think I am probably more tactile, action and gesture based. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 16:51:29 GMT
Could it also be a Love Language Thing? And that some people are more vocal, some more tactile ect.? I've not read the love languages book, it is on my list! But yes, I think I am probably more tactile, action and gesture based. i think so! one of the articles i read emphasized that avoidants are less inclined to verbalize love and most inclined to demonstrate it with acts of service. this is true of my partner and i. two of the biggest ways we show love is i engaged listening to each other and practical assistance to the other. touch is something we are comfortable with and rates way up there also. i am confident in his love for me even though he doesn't verbalize it, because of how he responds if i have a need for practical help or i am hurt. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 17:13:50 GMT
I've not read the love languages book, it is on my list! But yes, I think I am probably more tactile, action and gesture based. i think so! one of the articles i read emphasized that avoidants are less inclined to verbalize love and most inclined to demonstrate it with acts of service. this is true of my partner and i. two of the biggest ways we show love is i engaged listening to each other and practical assistance to the other. touch is something we are comfortable with and rates way up there also. i am confident in his love for me even though he doesn't verbalize it, because of how he responds if i have a need for practical help or i am hurt. Ahh, yes, I can sympathize with that. I liked holding hands, giving massage, PDA etc. When I saw her last when she was saying goodbye she had a headache and I wanted to give her a massage to try to sooth her and make her feel better. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 17:28:16 GMT
i think so! one of the articles i read emphasized that avoidants are less inclined to verbalize love and most inclined to demonstrate it with acts of service. this is true of my partner and i. two of the biggest ways we show love is i engaged listening to each other and practical assistance to the other. touch is something we are comfortable with and rates way up there also. i am confident in his love for me even though he doesn't verbalize it, because of how he responds if i have a need for practical help or i am hurt. Ahh, yes, I can sympathize with that. I liked holding hands, giving massage, PDA etc. When I saw her last when she was saying goodbye she had a headache and I wanted to give her a massage to try to sooth her and make her feel better. that's your language ❤️ |
|
I need words as a love language so knowing he struggles saying it but doing it anyway (and quite a lot) makes me feel very appreciated and happy. I understand the weight of them for him.
