Painful to say/think "I love you"

Hi lilyg,

I totally relate to this post. Mine has never said he loved me but did many acts of kindness and showed a lot of love during our relationship. We are still seeing each other, though under a different label as you may recall, but he still will do things like come over to help me do things around the house or help me when I'm sick.

I like words with actions so it was always hard, but I understand more and more why saying i love you may have been very difficult for him.

It's very good that you understood that not being afraid of 'charged' words makes you able to talk about your emotional needs. It's difficult to be secure enough to be able to say 'I love you' without expecting a reciprocation. It can put you un a vulnerable space. Try thinking of it like a skill you've honed, and not that you're putting yourself out there for rejection.



I hope you're feeling good today
 

I was curious about what kristyrose was going to say about this, since her situation has been most similar to my most recent experience. And sure enough, similar.

I'm glad epicgum brought this up, because it can be hard for all insecure types, even if for different reasons.

The first time my ex FA and I dated and he couldn't ever say it, my AP self was so scared to say it first and the thought so painful that something was weird and saying it might potentially push him away (even after a year of being serious)... that I started having nightmares about it. Sadly, that fear was justified, since when I finally told him, he panicked and immediately broke up with me... in turn, triggering that crappy AP reinforcement cycle (I've done something wrong, I shouldn't have communicated my feelings, I am never going to be good enough for my partner).

But often, I could feel love from his actions and how he'd engage with me (I think his love languages are quality time spent and touch). Certainly, when we reconnected a year later, it was visible to others as well as me. So, once earned secure, I'd still say it once in a while expecting nothing in return but it made sense in context because we were having honest conversations about what was next for us, and he'd listen and not freak out. But he'd not say it back, and that wasn't ideal but really was okay at that time.

Being more upfront about it pushed me out of my insecure comfort zone and allowed me to practice expressing my feelings/needs. Like, look, you CAN say this and mean it without upsetting the other person, and it doesn't mean they'll directly abandon you. Or maybe they will, but it won't be the end of the world.

So that was okay... until he suggested we get back together and then almost immediately completely deactivated from me again once we did. Then, over the course of just a couple weeks, I couldn't feel his love anymore through any love language. At which point, it stopped feeling okay. When he broke up with me again, I actually brought up for the first time that it was painful he could still tell me pointedly that he didn't love me after 2.5 years. He had no response and I didn't expect one, but it seemed like something I should bring out into the open.

Even though objectively I believe it's a lot more complicated, I've still had to fight the AP voice that tells me, he was just never that into you, guys say what they mean and you just didn't listen to him, so you're entirely to blame for him dumping you twice.

I've re-patterned that to be, he couldn't meet your needs and you've walked away after doing your best to truly love someone. But it's still painful to think about, and can be across attachment styles.

I don't feel like I'll hold that or any of my past discomfort saying I love you as baggage going into new relationships, though. It really seems ridiculous to me now that expressing myself had been such a big deal for so long, but that's what a debilitating fear of abandonment will do to you. And why growing out of that fear is important!

Thank you. I'm okay, it's just a triggering topic for me. I wanted to point out my experience with an FA who acted similar to the discussion in the original post, but I can't speak to how the FA felt about it, so I wanted to also open up the discussion a bit to how saying I love you can be difficult for other insecure attachments as well. Different sides of the coin but related problems kind of thing (fear of abandonment vs fear of engulfment vs maybe both!), that may be helpful for people learning about attachment theory to consider bigger picture.

I definitely took it as a growth opportunity once I stopped taking it personally the second time around, while still being sensitive to how he'd feel about being on the receiving end (I don't want to say something for myself repeatedly that's making someone else uncomfortable or triggered, so it needed to be very calm and usually in some sort of relevant context so that it didn't come across as asking anything of him).

epicgum

Thank you for sharing your perspective and starting this post.

It sounds really painful what you are experiencing, and I'm thinking about different strategies you can employ to help ease these feelings.

I read an article some time ago, tried to find it now but couldn't, which offered some ideas for those who identify as Avoidant, no how to stay close to their partner in a way that feels safe. It talks about what to do when you feel less than loving and start to hone in on flaws or push the love away, even feeling repulsed.

One idea was to write down all of the things you love about your partner, what value they bring into your life. It may sound trite, but maybe this could help a little.

Thank you for being so open...