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Post by happyidiot on Sept 20, 2018 18:18:19 GMT
In my worst FA years, this was exactly what I was doing. I was convincing myself and others that I didn't want anyone and avoided relationships. I may have come across as DA, but I definitely didn't have a high self-esteem. I needed validation from others, but I tried to hide it. At the same time I needed a lot of space and found other people exhausting. It was an identity crisis for me when I entered a relationship with a guy who was more avoidant and less anxious than me and made me very anxious. I was like hey, I'm the one supposed to be running away and avoiding you, I can't do that when you're so distant! I wonder if FA and DA date a lot. Everyone always talks about AP and DA. If someone is more avoidant than me, I take it as disinterest and it just dies. I can only share my experiences. I dated someone DA who is more avoidant than me for a decent while. I didn't fall in love and I did eventually take it as disinterest and move on. Because, well, it WAS a kind of disinterest: he didn't feel attached to me or want any sort of obligation that would come from "a relationship" and preferred to be totally free to do things like travel the world at a moment's notice. I think it lasted as long as it did because of sex. My anxiety was still triggered, but when things became more clear it wasn't hard to let go. I also went on a couple dates with someone who is DA but seems less avoidant than me. Let me explain what I mean by that. Say I am just over a 3 on the avoidance scale, someone could be DA but be only a 2 on the avoidance scale (but as a DA he is a 0 on the anxiety scale). I couldn't tell if that guy was interested so I friend-zoned him quickly and we've been friends ever since. He told me he was actually interested, but I could never see him as more than a friend. Another person I went on a couple dates with who I suspect is DA and more avoidant than me was just very straightforward about what he was looking for, sex only, so it was easy to move on since I am not looking to get emotionally attached to someone who is purely looking for sex. Now someone FA on the other hand, can be higher in avoidance than me, but I don't necessarily take it as a sign of disinterest because an FA may also act very interested. If someone, say, suddenly ghosts me but just days before they seemed excited about me, I don't think "I guess they don't like me and I'll move on," I think, "What the hell is going on?! Maybe that excitement will return," and get pulled in an AP state where I blame myself and think if I can just somehow get them to stop avoiding me the good times will be back. Or if they act avoidant early on then I might initially think, "I guess they don't like me and I'll move on," but then they might start pursuing me and showing interest. Does that make sense? This is just me. I'm curious what others will say. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2018 18:43:31 GMT
I wonder if FA and DA date a lot. Everyone always talks about AP and DA. If someone is more avoidant than me, I take it as disinterest and it just dies. I can only share my experiences. I dated someone DA who is more avoidant than me for a decent while. I didn't fall in love and I did eventually take it as disinterest and move on. Because, well, it WAS a kind of disinterest: he didn't feel attached to me or want any sort of obligation that would come from "a relationship" and preferred to be totally free to do things like travel the world at a moment's notice. I think it lasted as long as it did because of sex. My anxiety was still triggered, but when things became more clear it wasn't hard to let go. I also went on a couple dates with someone who is DA but seems less avoidant than me. Let me explain what I mean by that. Say I am just over a 3 on the avoidance scale, someone could be DA but be only a 2 on the avoidance scale (but as a DA he is a 0 on the anxiety scale). I couldn't tell if that guy was interested so I friend-zoned him quickly and we've been friends ever since. He told me he was actually interested, but I could never see him as more than a friend. Another person I went on a couple dates with who I suspect is DA and more avoidant than me was just very straightforward about what he was looking for, sex only, so it was easy to move on since I am not looking to get emotionally attached to someone who is purely looking for sex. Now someone FA on the other hand, can be higher in avoidance than me, but I don't necessarily take it as a sign of disinterest because an FA may also act very interested. If someone, say, suddenly ghosts me but just days before they seemed excited about me, I don't think "I guess they don't like me and I'll move on," I think, "What the hell is going on?! Maybe that excitement will return," and get pulled in an AP state where I blame myself and think if I can just somehow get them to stop avoiding me the good times will be back. Or if they act avoidant early on then I might initially think, "I guess they don't like me and I'll move on," but then they might start pursuing me and showing interest. Does that make sense? This is just me. I'm curious what others will say. It does make a lot of sense. I'm sure a lot of people would say I seem disinterested as well. It's kind of a disinterest, but it's more a disinterest in relationships, not disinterest in the person. I know that probably doesn't make sense. |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 20, 2018 18:59:53 GMT
It does make a lot of sense. I'm sure a lot of people would say I seem disinterested as well. It's kind of a disinterest, but it's more a disinterest in relationships, not disinterest in the person. I know that probably doesn't make sense. That totally makes sense. The DAs I mentioned have a general disinterest in relationships, so I didn't even take it personally with the ones who weren't very interested in me. Whereas an FA might either say or behave like they do want a relationship and just had a (sometimes sudden and inexplicable) disinterest in doing that with me specifically. Which again, kicks me into an AP mode, compared to if I think someone just doesn't really want anything "serious" with anyone. |
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