Moving on from long term relationship

Define "move on" LOL

Maybe secure people do ultimately feel neutral or even somewhat not-neutral, but those feelings also wouldn't interfere with their ability to form/stay in and maintain intimacy and have an ongoing, lasting and healthy attachment with someone else. I suppose that would mean the feelings couldn't still be all that intense, or they would be able to maintain strong boundaries and perspectives and maybe compartmentalize those feelings?

Just a guess. I've sustained feelings for people for more than 8 years after a dissolution before, but at least now I understand why.

Also even if you aren't fully or always "Secure" I think there can be eventual liberation and you can be further along the journey than you think you are.... Like there is someone I had strong feelings for about 20 years ago and that it took me years to get over... even 10 or 15 years later when the feelings had greatly faded, there was still anxiety when I was in her hometown's airport or city (what if we crossed paths??? sort of anxiety). Okay, let's be honest ,even 19 years later when I was in her homecity's airport... Well 19 years after we last saw each other we happened to cross paths in a hotel in a random city and had a 3-hour breakfast and it was great, but it didn't bring back the old longings. It was just nostalgia, and afterwards a deeper peace. And I still have my attachment issues... So, it is possible even if you aren't exactly "secure."

I'm not saying it takes 20 years, just that sometimes you may think you're still mired down in something that you may not actually be as mired in as you think you are.

Keep going...

It sounds normal to me but obviously I'm not the best person to ask

BTW, cute userpic in relation to your name!

I've found that, for the majority of my life that I spent AP, I started to resist getting involved with new people unless I felt really sure that I had deep feelings because it took what seemed like an unreasonably long and painful time to let go if things didn't work out. Sometimes years, definitely. So it had to be worth the risk.

Since earning secure, and being able to compare two breakups before and after with the same person and all the feelings about it in general... it's a totally different ballgame when I'm not mired under all the attachment injury that came with all the AP breakups. Yes, I'm still upset and working through a couple specific points, because all breakups with someone you love suck, but there's no feelings of... this is all my fault, I don't understand why this happened, why does this always happen to me, I'll never meet anyone else, how does society expect me to function right now, what's wrong with me, etc. No sense of I will never, ever feel closure.

It's just, man this stinks, I really wanted things to work, I hope he'll be happier and deal with his issues one day. Okay, so what am I going to do next with my life?

It's still a crappy break up but it's a lot easier.

epicgum It was not quick... it took 6 years from finding out about anxious preoccupied insecure attachment existing plus overanalyzing prior to that.

Details are in Jess's thread here: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1262/attachment-style-self-help-suggestions

AP has poor view of self but positive view of others so doesn't have avoidant deactivation or distrust of others to work through, so I hope my story is helpful to think about but it won't cover everything for FA.

Hmmm I have 'feelings' about the breakups I had with one of my longer term partners after a few years, but it's not about the person rather than the way things ended/the fallout of the relationships. An ex I was with of 3 years… well, I still thought about the way I ended it and felt guilty about it after like 7 years from the breakup. It wasn't a consuming thought at all but when something bad happened to me in my romantic life, I remebered him and thought a lot about me hurting him and him being the best boyfriend I've had. I sometimes did think I made a mistake. I've been doing a lot of work on my past and I could finally understand myself and my feelings back then and finally forgave myself. We talked about it and I understood it was about my feelings surrounding a traumatic event in my life and not about him and me. I would never go back to him. I'm now super happy it ended because I was able to grow into the person I am today and that I can enjoy a relationship with my current partner.

The other long-term partner I've had... let's say I'm very glad I left and I don't exactly wish him the best (nor the worst, of course) and I sometimes feel terrible about it, but anyways. I think it has to do more about me than him (in that I stayed with him longer than I should and I feel embarrased about it).

Yes. I was madly in love with my first partner, we were together on and off for about 5 years. He left me and it took me about 3 years to feel really ‘over’ him. That relationship ended 10 years ago. I saw him last summer as a mutual friend’s party and it was nice. I still have love for him but I’m not in love with him at all. I’m super glad he has a happy relationship with his current girlfriend. When I hear news about him I remember him fondly and feel happy.

And at the time of that break up I was a mess. Jealous, devastated, clingy. I’m a secure but looking back at it, all that behaviour was totally AP. I was also pretty young when that happened and didn’t understand as much as I do now about healthy relationships.

Since that relationship, I had 2 more long terms (a 2 year and a 3 year) with nice guys, but I wasn’t mega in love with either of them. Those break ups were fairly untraumatic, even with the first guy cheating on me! I was able to separate from both of them and almost immediately got over the relationships.

This current one is my big one. I met my ex and it was like fireworks immediately. I didn’t believe in soulmates at all until I met him. It was like I’d finally found someone from my planet and he felt exactly the same. Unfortunately he’s severly FA. We were together for 3 years, he shut down on me over time and then ran. I had no idea he was FA until he’d gone and I’d had the time and space to figure it out. But even with the dissolution of this mega connection, I managed to remain secure. I instigated NC immediately and I haven’t spoken to him in 9 months. In terms of getting over him, right now it feels like I don’t know if it’s possible. But I have the experience of my first love to know I can truly heal from the ridiculously intense emotions at the end of a break up. This is uncharted territory a bit because our connection is so strong, but I’m also stronger than I’ve ever been.