How common is fearful-avoidant style? Here's what I found

I've been thinking about this a lot too. I test as FA leaning towards AP, but the rarity and some descriptions of the style have made me question it. I don’t relate much to the push-pull-behaviour, at least not on a conscious level, but many other traits of the style feel very familiar, especially the negative view of self and others and being fearful and indecisive in relationships.
Hard to trust anyone (or myself), hard to get close to people and let them close to me. Very hard to get into relationships (experiencing my first real one in late 20s). Childhood experiences sound familiar, too, and I've had my share of mental problems associated with FA style. I believe my mother is also FA.

It needs to be remembered that attachment theory is a theory. There are no truths out there, only lots of contradictory information. Not all sources are reliable and based on research or clinical experience. I don’t really trust the tests either. The questions can be interpreted in so many ways. For example, things like intimacy and being close to someone mean very different things to different people.


There also seems to be a lot of confusion between dynamic and style. Is attachment style a style at all, or always a dynamic? Is it something that exists in a person as a result of their childhood attachments or something that develops between two people? Do we only get attached to people who enable us to participate in a certain dynamic and lose interest in them if they don’t? I think there is no point in defining a "style" if it can change from relationship to another. A dynamic changes, a style doesn’t (if there aren’t some major life events or conscious effort to do so). If there is a such a thing as a stable style - and let’s assume there is - I believe it is defined by how much you need intimacy, what kind of partners you feel attracted to and how you generally view yourself, your partners and your relationships.


That being said, I’m not that sure about the theory of DAs becoming anxious when meeting someone more DA. Isn’t DA defined by the absence of anxiety? Anxiety comes from idealization of a partner and a negative view of self and it makes you chase. For DAs, the self is enough and a relationship is never a priority. If they feel their partner pulling away, they just don’t care. It’s been said that DAs don’t tend to date each other because of this. I think many of those who fluctuate between AP and DA behaviour are really either AP or FA. Maybe FA is just the “grey area” between AP and DA and they are much more common than 5 %. The usual FA description - craving intimacy and pulling away from it in the same relationship - seems to be rare, but is it really the only way to experience the FA style? Doesn’t the need to push and pull depend on the partner? If you are with another avoidant, your anxious side is more dominant and you feel no need to pull away, but it doesn't mean your style can’t be anxious avoidant (FA). But your anxiety keeps you hooked. This has been the case with me and my DA(/FA?) partner.

In this case, many FAs may actually be confused with APs. People often ask what is the difference between FAs and DAs and they get compared to each other, as if the avoidant side was more dominant in FAs and they had more in common with DAs. FAs have anxiety, too, and they may become very dependent, just like APs. I find it confusing that some texts describe APs as being clingy, dramatic, calling you all the time and always asking for reassurance and attention, but some texts say APs tend to hide their needs, be ashamed of them and ask for too little in their relationships because they believe their needs can't be met. This is a clear difference between activity (vulnerability) and passivity (fear of vulnerability) and in my opinion, they can't be in the same attachment style, because the former sees others as available and the latter sees others as unavailable. They are completely different ways of relating. Maybe this is actually the difference between AP and FA? FAs can’t be vulnerable so they deny and hide their needs (avoidant trait), but they don’t feel comfortable that way (anxious trait).


I think many APs can handle real intimacy and so they sometimes pair with secures. APs can also be anxious with secures, too, because some secures want less intimacy than them. But for FAs, the intimacy of secures may be too much because secures tend to want more intimacy than them (as shown in the avoidance-anxiety-axis). Push-pull may ensue, or maybe it just ends before it begins (come to think of it, I think I may have pushed and pulled and given mixed signals with secures... until I've ended it or they've given up). Now that you said it, FAs really have nothing in common with secures. They share the avoidance with DAs and anxiety with APs but secures just feel like aliens to FAs. Someone who is available and not anxious, positive with themselves and others – what is that?! I can confirm all my friends are some sort of insecures, and at least two of them are probably also FA. I remember feeling a strange connection to these FA friends immediately when I met them, and they have said the same about me.
Sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend is FA, too. He seems mainly DA but sometimes he's just too self-critical, people-pleasing and fragile to really be a DA.

The link given by happyidiot in the previous message as well as this text describe well the kind of FA style I'm talking about: the-love-compass.com/2013/09/17/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/

Wow, a DA? That's actually the style I resemble the least, I think. But I do have avoidance in me so it's understandable that you'd come to that conclusion, especially from reading my posts. I've been very frustrated when trying to find out my attachment style (or if there even is a style). It has been so dynamic throughout my life. I think I've experienced all of them to some degree. That, I think, is just one proof of my main style: FA, disorganized. I try every single pattern from AP to DA to FA to secure to feel good with myself and in my relationships (and stick with none of them). @blacksnow described it well in another thread: I have both the codependent and narcissistic side in me, and they show up in different situations. I remember this split identity already from my childhood and teens. I was mostly avoidant then. I preferred fantasy over real people, and I found other people draining and suffocating. Some life experiences have broken my walls and made me more anxious as an adult. I now identify as anxious-dominant FA, although I still sometimes suspect I'm just AP, and then I remember all my avoidant history, and... I'm really not sure. FA has been the safest guess, and there is a lot of evidence to support it. At least I know I was not AP as a child.



Oct 30, 2018 23:08:43 GMT 2 faithopelove said:

Oct 30, 2018 19:04:39 GMT 2 blacksnow said:

I can see this now, yes. Many people in this thread have explained it well, and it does demonstrate the ambivalence of AP.

But I was still thinking... to be AP, is it required to act both ways or at at least another? I remember a post from anne12 where it was said that there are two kinds of APs, those who settle for what they get, ask for too little and feel sad if their needs aren't met, and then there are those who get angry and demanding and resort to protest behavior. So there could be a difference in personality, temperament, other experiences and expectations, and some APs can be a combination of these (and their main motive is always to try to prevent abandonment).

But what if anxiety doesn't result in either of these? I'm writing this to see if those who identify as AP can relate to this, or if it is more like "avoidant kind of anxiety". I feel anxiety but I almost never act based on it because if I do, I give my power away, and I'm very much aware of who has the power in the relationship. (Perhaps needless to say, I feel very uncomfortable as the partner who has less power). If my partner doesn't seem to need me, I feel like I need to show I need him even less OR conclude that he doesn't care enough, he's just playing with me and I should give up on him.  But I may still be afraid of losing him and second guess my feelings - "maybe I'm being too rash, maybe it's just my anxiety talking". So my anxiety mostly results in me wondering if there is something wrong with my partner and if I should invest in him or not. Or trying to gain more power by adjusting my needs. It's very complicated, but it does feel different from the typical AP anxiety, I think. (Also makes me think if this is how a DA feels with another DA who is more avoidant).

I find it confusing that some texts describe APs as being clingy, dramatic, calling you all the time and always asking for reassurance and attention, but some texts say APs tend to hide their needs, be ashamed of them and ask for too little in their relationships because they believe their needs can't be met. This is a clear difference between activity (vulnerability) and passivity (fear of vulnerability) and in my opinion, they can't be in the same attachment style, because the former sees others as available and the latter sees others as unavailable.

Good, detailed analysis...I wanted to address the literature you found on AP. It’s yes to both statements above on AP’s. It’s true that APs both seek AND are afraid of having their needs met- I believe this describes much of that ambivalent part of the AP. APs lack the confidence to bring up their needs in a healthy way and do not feel their partners will meet them, so they tend to keep things bottled up and eventually explode in a moment when they lose emotional self-control. That’s when you’ll see the over texting and other protest behaviors. Then they’ll later apologize, ruminate over their rash behavior and seek to regain the distance caused by their protest. At this boiling point, emotional self-control is hijacked and protest behaviors ensue as the only thing that matters to the AP at this frenzied point is lowering their panicked heightened anxiety. They lose sight of all sense- objectivity and their partner’s needs.
So, the seemingly contradictory literature you brought up aren’t contradictory at all but exactly on point as far as my experience as an AP.

Do you know if that's common to straight-up APs or mainly FAs? I can be feeling really anxious and clingy and hide it completely. But I'm not sure if that's super common with people who identify as just AP?