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Post by boomerang on Nov 6, 2018 4:47:02 GMT
From what I've read about APs, their belief seems to be "if I just try hard enough, I will get a response". They actively try to get their needs met.
The way I tried hard, as AP, in my former relationship with my DA/FA, was trying very, very hard to suppress, not my needs, but outward expression of them, as that would drive him away. That was the only way I could get some of my needs met, if you can follow.
It was exhausting.
I think that part of it comes from feeling/being told that our needs were too much/selfish as children...so we don't know what a legitimate need is or how to express it in a way that is self honoring. Needs feel so risky....so it is better to just stuff them down and focus on the other person. There's also conditioning in the relationship. When you learn that raising something leads to shutdown--and disappearance--you become less and less able to do it.
That's why it is so, so important (this is what I have learned from this, and it's a good thing), to be clear on boundaries at the very beginning, when one is not invested. I actually had learned from a prior relationship (not in terms of needs, another context) that one should start as one means to continue. However, I did not apply that in this since things were tenuous from the get-go and I was so drawn to him. I hope I remember this lesson next time.
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Post by mrob on Nov 6, 2018 5:15:48 GMT
My experience is that it doesn’t matter what is said in the beginning.
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Post by boomerang on Nov 6, 2018 7:07:37 GMT
My experience is that it doesn’t matter what is said in the beginning. I guess that is so if one gets invested and then doesn't stick to what s/he said (for fear of losing the relationship). And therein lies the rub...
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 6, 2018 9:56:53 GMT
My experience is that it doesn’t matter what is said in the beginning. I guess that is so if one gets invested and then doesn't stick to what s/he said (for fear of losing the relationship). And therein lies the rub...
Or...the other person doesn't respect a boundary/need thst is stated from the beginning...and the person who initially stated it does not want to "hurt" the other person. I have personally experienced that as "the other person". |
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Post by mrob on Nov 6, 2018 14:04:38 GMT
That’s right. Both ways. Things can change very quickly and subtly.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2018 14:23:02 GMT
If one's attachment is insecure I highly doubt they will stick to what was settled at the very beginning even if they wanted to.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 7, 2018 0:31:04 GMT
From what I've read about APs, their belief seems to be "if I just try hard enough, I will get a response". They actively try to get their needs met.
The way I tried hard, as AP, in my former relationship with my DA/FA, was trying very, very hard to suppress, not my needs, but outward expression of them, as that would drive him away. That was the only way I could get some of my needs met, if you can follow.
It was exhausting.
Wow I think you've articulated a true irony here-- how we can try to get our needs/desires met ... by not getting our needs/desire met (ex: not asking for what we want because we're worried it would make the other person retreat or leave, as a way of hoping that will sustain the relationship longer). |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 7, 2018 5:57:44 GMT
From what I've read about APs, their belief seems to be "if I just try hard enough, I will get a response". They actively try to get their needs met.
The way I tried hard, as AP, in my former relationship with my DA/FA, was trying very, very hard to suppress, not my needs, but outward expression of them, as that would drive him away. That was the only way I could get some of my needs met, if you can follow.
It was exhausting.
Wow I think you've articulated a true irony here-- how we can try to get our needs/desires met ... by not getting our needs/desire met (ex: not asking for what we want because we're worried it would make the other person retreat or leave, as a way of hoping that will sustain the relationship longer). I think this is the root of the fatal communication problems in all insecure pairings. (With the possible exception of DA) The answer, for myself at least, is to be more honest and assertive of my own needs/desires and also more accepting, curious and unthreatened by the needs/desires of others--rather than pursue these things haphazardly and passively and simply hoping for the best. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 7, 2018 9:03:23 GMT
Wow I think you've articulated a true irony here-- how we can try to get our needs/desires met ... by not getting our needs/desire met (ex: not asking for what we want because we're worried it would make the other person retreat or leave, as a way of hoping that will sustain the relationship longer). I think this is the root of the fatal communication problems in all insecure pairings. (With the possible exception of DA) The answer, for myself at least, is to be more honest and assertive of my own needs/desires and also more accepting, curious and unthreatened by the needs/desires of others--rather than pursue these things haphazardly and passively and simply hoping for the best. Yes, Epicgum...and the AP, in my own experience, will attempt at some superficial level to get needs met...AP’s open up more, but at at the core is also that great fear of being too needy, unworthy, and abandoned so AP needs will be expressed until those needs are seen as a threat to the relationship- needs that cause their partner to shut down, pull away or view them as a burden...whether real or perceived will cause the AP to suppress needs until resentment or fear builds to such a peak level that it eventually causes an emotional melt down. At that point, loss of emotional self-control and protest behaviors ensue...the belief my partner doesn’t really care and will only respond to me if I’m angry or upset unconsciously drives the protests. Then ultimately the shame, guilt, attempt to reconnect and asking for forgiveness follows the protest. The AP partner is their security blanket and meeting their needs is seen not only as desirable but necessary to their thriving, development and well-being. “You are my world and my everything- I live for you and your happiness. The very least you can do in return is meet my needs!” My DA has an EXTREMELY hard time admitting he has even basic needs or asking for any help or reassurance from his partner or others. He has “no needs” and is always “OK.” No matter what. “I’m good- what does it matter to you anyway?” He functions independently, as an island, and views needs and dependence on others as a weakness of human frailty. His value of autonomy and self-control precludes him from opening himself up to expressing his needs- such admissions are seen as much too vulnerable, exposing his inner self more than he feels safe or capable of doing. It’s dysfunctional and sad really how both types have learned to present their needs. |
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