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Post by alexandra on Oct 2, 2018 7:59:52 GMT
Hi cardinal , that sounds terrific! I've noticed that I used to carry around a lot of baggage after being wounded by my bad relationships (usually with some sort of insecure avoidant type). When I was AP, I just took so much blame on myself, that I hadn't been perfect or taken the perfect course of action to save my relationships with DAs or FAs. I've moved into secure this year, and a lot of that baggage is gone. Not because I found someone secure to help me, but because I did a lot of work on my self-esteem so I could start to see that I couldn't control my partners, I could only pick secure ones but hadn't, and that my hyper-sensitivity to someone acting anxious or avoidant wasn't that helpful. Because you also can't always correctly attribute why someone is acting the way they are, and projecting reasons without communicating can easily be wrong.
It sounds like your secure partner is sensitive to your moods, and that you're the only one who can address this type of baggage since it has nothing to do with the current person and he has done nothing to cause it. Are you doing any self work or going to a therapist to keep healing? Or has your progress mostly started with choosing a better partner?
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Post by anne12 on Oct 2, 2018 8:10:30 GMT
Congratulation with your new secure boyfriend. This is when the "real fun" begins, because now you will get challenged in your abillity to recieve love! Also this: "I can keep telling myself that logically nothing is wrong and that I'm being insecure, but after dating an FA where that type of thinking backfired, it's hard to tell myself that anymore."
The instinktive level dosen´t understand logic. When we're comfortable with our loved ones, so that we can relax and allow us to love/give in to the relationsship, it causes the system to say: "Ah, now there's room to take a bite more of the trauma whirlwind"
It's really annoying, because it gets us right in the middle of a trauma whirlwind, where drama and heavy emotions easily arise. It sounds like maybe working with the instinktive level could be helpfull ? The water tanks exercise is very good - but must be practiced daily or often, so that you can remember to use it in these situations. Some selfregulation exercises: (watertank exercise, coming into the now exercise, coming into secure attatchment exercise ect.) Also working with touch - there is an exercise, you can do, that helps to regulate your nerveussystem. You can do the exercise with your boyfriend maybe - or a friend or a therapist. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercisesWhen you become comitted and you begin to see your partner as "deep family" after the honey moon period is over, then you will get tested in your attatchment pattern. Ambivalents, like the rest of us, are subject to becoming more extreme versions of themselves once in a comitted relationsship. This has to do with breaching that final level of commitment to where our partners are now also family. We all carry around inside of us memories of how we were treated in childhood, later in life from other relationsships, and also how we observed our family members treating each other. These templates are more flexible and less evident in our relationships with our friends and co-workers. Once someone enters into the realm of true family these templates are often re-activated in powerful ways and they tend to amplify our natural tendencies learned as children. Maybe this can be helpfull to you and your partner. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-ambivalent-attatchment-tips-tricks |
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Post by cardinal on Nov 27, 2018 21:14:34 GMT
Hi there, I accidentally made two posts but one was cut off. It looks like my thread got moved but the one that was moved was the more incomplete one. This is the fuller story: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1567/dating-secure-after-faMy secure boyfriend and I broke up unfortunately. I appreciate the advice, but there is nothing that can be done at this time. Hi cardinal , that sounds terrific! I've noticed that I used to carry around a lot of baggage after being wounded by my bad relationships (usually with some sort of insecure avoidant type). When I was AP, I just took so much blame on myself, that I hadn't been perfect or taken the perfect course of action to save my relationships with DAs or FAs. I've moved into secure this year, and a lot of that baggage is gone. Not because I found someone secure to help me, but because I did a lot of work on my self-esteem so I could start to see that I couldn't control my partners, I could only pick secure ones but hadn't, and that my hyper-sensitivity to someone acting anxious or avoidant wasn't that helpful. Because you also can't always correctly attribute why someone is acting the way they are, and projecting reasons without communicating can easily be wrong.
It sounds like your secure partner is sensitive to your moods, and that you're the only one who can address this type of baggage since it has nothing to do with the current person and he has done nothing to cause it. Are you doing any self work or going to a therapist to keep healing? Or has your progress mostly started with choosing a better partner? Your post is exactly how I felt while I was with (and even before) my FA. My counsellor and friends played a big part in helping me understanding that his behaviour was awful and that I was being too hard on myself. The real work in building myself up and understanding emotional unavailability/unhealthy partners came from reading forums like this one and seeing others in similar situations like me. But it took my now ex to really understand these things first-hand. It's one thing to know how you were treated was not well, but it's another to for someone to really show it to you. And that's where most of my healing came from. I don't think it's healthy to rely on people to fix your baggage for you, but I think the trust issues my ex left me with could've only be fixed my allowing myself to have a relationship with a reliable person. If I never met my ex and stayed single, I would've been more aware of what partners to avoid and have more self-respect in my next relationship, but I would've entered it with a sense of wariness and doubt. Now I think whatever relationship I enter after my secure ex, I'll be able to come into it without these trust issues because he showed me that there will be people who will treat me well out there. In other words, I think regardless I would've learnt to work through my baggage without him but he made it a lot easier and I feel like I only was able to work through certain pieces of baggage thoroughly (instead of just being aware of them) by having someone model healthy behaviors to me. |
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