|
|
Post by tnr9 on Oct 7, 2018 12:52:28 GMT
I am finding the same. I went on a date this week and immediately knew we wouldn’t be anything but friends. I asked myself the same question... Is this just pre-emptive deactivation? I’’ve never had that thought before. If someone has taken an interest after I’ve approached them, I go for it and see where it goes. Personal growth? I’m honestly not sure. happyidiot , I’m sorry for my ott response and behaviour earlier. Mrob...great to see you posting. QQ...would you say that your attraction to another person is, in part, driven by how into you they are? I ask that because that appears to have been B's perspective....he has dated girls who were into him and in essense pursued him. It is a very different model from mine....where I tend to develop walls if a person is too eager too quickly (unless I have already decided that I am way into that person and thus enter into pursuit made). I ask because on the surface it seems very chill and laid back to be open to someone else being into you....but, i suspect there are some deeper things going on. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Oct 7, 2018 13:06:10 GMT
This is such an interesting thread...obviously I don't relate to deactivation.....I think my insecure attachment is always looking for "the one" and I can fall for a character in a movie, a character in a book, an online buddy, perfect strangers, guy at church or at work within moments without knowing anything about that person...it is all based on a feeling and can happen any time..which is why online dating is a no no for me for now. I find that having this perception is such a disadvantage because I misinterpret things all the time...thinking a guy is more into me then he truly is, taking things personally that are not personal, often being unable to pace myself because I am all in or all out.
I love these forums because it actually is teaching me to see things from someone else's viewpoint.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2018 16:04:39 GMT
I can and do deactivate early on. I , too am very rarely attracted to someone. I am guessing , the feeling is the same as a secure who just isn't in to someone, but it's more complex I think for an insecure. I think we could be into the person, but just rejecting the idea of it. I can tell now who is a secure, because all I feel on that date is boredom. My therapist says that I need to push through and get to know the person more, before deciding if I am actually bored. I haven't been able to do it though because the boredom is so real and who wants to be bored? How many dates have you been on Mary? And what do you do on your dates? Are you more maculine than feminine in your core? The masculine wants action - walk, bicycle, run side by side. When you are side by side it creates a sence of togetherness. There is also the experiment with the chain/hanging bridge, if you know that experiment? Coffee dates is not recommended. You have to look into each others eyes, which sometimes feels too mush, when you do not know eachother. Also it can feel like you are at a job interview. Some people are not good at the first date, but maybe on the second or third date. Remember to have fun and laugh. When you laugh, you can feel your body and you can be precent. If you have some avoidant attatchmentstyle, is can take longer time to fall in love (some avoidants don´t fall in love at all, because they are to much in their head and have cut of feeling their body and their feelings. I wonder if it can be helpfull as an avoidant to date when you are in ovvulating fase? When estrogen peaks and testosterone are also on the pitch. Testosterone makes you think of sex and makes you more risky, while estrogen makes your face more symmetrical and allows you to excrete lots of pheromones. And when your communicative skills are at their highest. I am not sure how to answer this. How many dates in my life or recently? I have no idea, but not a huge amount. It takes a lot to even get interested in a first date. I can talk to 50 guys online easily and have no interest to meet them in person. I may have 10 emails with a person and then just decide I am not interested. I would say I am more feminine when it comes to dating. Part of the problem is I am always thinking about sex, so more than likely will fall into a sexual relationship than a dating relationship. My biggest fear when I go on a first date, is that they will like me and I won't like them. |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Oct 7, 2018 18:59:29 GMT
I wonder if it can be helpfull as an avoidant to date when you are in ovvulating fase? Yes, I think it can! In my experience I am more likely to feel attracted to someone if we start dating when I'm close to ovulating. Maybe the instinctual urge to reproduce helps get me into my body more than my head and helps lower my walls enough to let someone in. |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Oct 7, 2018 19:08:45 GMT
I can talk to 50 guys online easily and have no interest to meet them in person. Me too. I wonder if we would do better making an effort to meet people organically in person instead of online? |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Oct 7, 2018 19:44:58 GMT
Now I'm on a dating app, kind of trying to move on from my ex-FA who became my phantom ex, and I just swipe left almost everybody. I usually fall for someone once a year (and they are usually DA or FA or not interested - did you say unavailable partner?) so maybe the next year? I'm thinking for the next time I meet someone, if there is no spark but no deal-breaker I will give it more of a chance just to see. This is me exactly. |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Oct 7, 2018 19:51:39 GMT
I am finding the same. I went on a date this week and immediately knew we wouldn’t be anything but friends. I asked myself the same question... Is this just pre-emptive deactivation? I’’ve never had that thought before. If someone has taken an interest after I’ve approached them, I go for it and see where it goes. Personal growth? I’m honestly not sure. happyidiot , I’m sorry for my ott response and behaviour earlier. No worries! Glad to see you posting. I think it is a good thing that we are at least wondering about this stuff. I might have asked you this before but I forget, are you meeting people through dating apps or organically? |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Oct 7, 2018 20:25:55 GMT
I am finding the same. I went on a date this week and immediately knew we wouldn’t be anything but friends. I asked myself the same question... Is this just pre-emptive deactivation? I’’ve never had that thought before. If someone has taken an interest after I’ve approached them, I go for it and see where it goes. Personal growth? I’m honestly not sure. happyidiot , I’m sorry for my ott response and behaviour earlier. Mrob...great to see you posting. QQ...would you say that your attraction to another person is, in part, driven by how into you they are? I ask that because that appears to have been B's perspective....he has dated girls who were into him and in essense pursued him. It is a very different model from mine....where I tend to develop walls if a person is too eager too quickly (unless I have already decided that I am way into that person and thus enter into pursuit made). I ask because on the surface it seems very chill and laid back to be open to someone else being into you....but, i suspect there are some deeper things going on. I don't know what mrob will say, but for me it is true that my attraction to another person is driven in part by how into me they are (or appear). I think it's common for FAs to deactivate if we think the other person is not interested enough, and also to even imagine that the other person isn't interested or could never be into someone like us, as a form of deactivation. I used to just think that was normal, that no one would be interested in someone unless they were reasonably sure that person was interested in them back. But I often also have difficulty if someone seems too eager, which probably stems from my low self-esteem, thinking that the other person must just be AP and would fall for almost anyone and I'm not special, they don't even know me yet and are falling for an idea of me or just badly want a relationship. It's kind of a delicate balance and depends on other factors too. If someone seems really interested in me so I let down my walls and develop feelings for them, but then they start being confusing, sadly that doesn't usually cause me to deactivate, when that might be a time when it would be useful. This is such an interesting thread...obviously I don't relate to deactivation.....I think my insecure attachment is always looking for "the one" and I can fall for a character in a movie, a character in a book, an online buddy, perfect strangers, guy at church or at work within moments without knowing anything about that person...it is all based on a feeling and can happen any time..which is why online dating is a no no for me for now. I find that having this perception is such a disadvantage because I misinterpret things all the time...thinking a guy is more into me then he truly is, taking things personally that are not personal, often being unable to pace myself because I am all in or all out. I love these forums because it actually is teaching me to see things from someone else's viewpoint. Even though we are different, we insecure attachers can still relate a lot. As you know, I thought my main style was AP before I realized it was FA and I've definitely gone through some very AP phases. I have had that experience occasionally too, of getting attached to a fantasy of someone super fast, without even knowing them. |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Oct 7, 2018 20:50:45 GMT
There is a ton of hype and pressure around sexual and romantic attraction, hey? It really doesn't do most of us any favours. I can also really relate to this thread as I keep my partner at arm's length and tell myself it's because it has never been sparky-feeling. Like, right now I'm on a short family trip, and I didn't invite him to join - actually, I have never invited him along on a family trip (more than five years in). Maybe I should finally own up to having a strong avoidant side. And maybe next time I'll invite him and see how that ends up going. I feel like the pressure is made worse by getting older and by the age of internet dating. I think that's a nice idea to invite your partner to a family thing! |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Oct 7, 2018 21:00:53 GMT
I am. I liked this part: You can choose to focus on being curious about finding out which interesting person you are facing, instead of focusing on whether he is a potential boyfriend. That's good to remember. I often get caught in the trap of trying to decide if he is a potential boyfriend on the first date, and I can almost always find some reasons why he isn't. Even when I try to force myself not to do that I still find I spend the whole date trying to decide if I am attracted to the person or if I want to go on a second date or if I will want to have sex with him. I try to be mindful of those thoughts and let go of them and be more present. |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Oct 7, 2018 23:02:42 GMT
Though, I wonder if one was really secure in their attachment whether the desire and lust could ever be there too. I find it difficult to have in a marriage, but there are tons of books about this (renewing or maintaining desire in long-term relationships) so it's not an uncommon challenge/problem. Is it deactivation? Are the people who stay really into their partner sexually for decades the secure ones? It's totally normal for sex to decrease over time in long relationships. I think the secure thing is probably to stay together even if sex decreases and to not see it as a make or break thing. I don't think that quantity or frequency of sex is directly correlated with being secure, but how satisfied you are with how much sex you are having is. Two secure people in a relationship together are more likely to have a similar level of sexual desire and to find ways of coping when they don't. This article about a study on the topic says: "Both avoidant and anxious attachment are associated with lower sexual satisfaction, and attachment style may also affect sexual desire. Sexual satisfaction has been positively correlated with higher sexual desire in couples, as well as with similar levels of sexual desire between partners. When there is lower sexual desire, or larger differences in sexual desire, satisfaction is lower. They did not discuss the impact of disorganized [fearful-avoidant] attachment, which would likely be associated with sexual and relationship difficulties at least as much as other forms of insecure attachment." "In this study, avoidant attachment style was associated with decreased sexual desire, whereas anxious attachment style was associated with increased sexual desire." www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/experimentations/201711/how-attachment-style-affects-sexual-desire-and-satisfactionSue Johnson says in her book "Love Sense" that DAs are more likely to engage in "sealed-off sex" where the focus is on sensation and it's separated from feelings, whereas APs are more likely to engage in "solace sex" to reassure them that their partner wants/loves them, and people in a secure bond have "synchrony sex" characterized by both physical and emotional openness and responsiveness. Personally I think mind-body dualism is a mistake, seeing the mind and body as different and separate. Our hormones affect our minds and our minds affect our hormones. I'm not entirely sure what you are asking here, do you mean shouldn't the instinctive drive to reproduce make someone with generally healthy sex hormone levels sexually attracted to anyone who is a viable mate with the right genetic makeup, or...? Can you explain a bit more? Really what I've been considering lately, with all the talk of boredom, is... it's not on your partner to keep you entertained. Sure, your partner should show up for both of you best they can. But maybe we should be entertaining ourselves, by being interested in our lives, cultivating interests, finding out what motivates us, and looking to our partners to share in that experience and connect with us emotionally, not expect them to be the source of that passion and desire forever. It's not feasible, and I suspect why working on one's self confidence no matter which insecure style one has so heavily influences and possibly changes perspective on this stuff. This is a good point. I think that when I just try to force myself to sit through boring dates or give people I don't feel "into" more of a chance by going on a few dates when I'm feeling avoidant, it can end up making it feel worse and more unbearable, whereas if I am happy with myself and my life and am busy doing lots of other things I enjoy it takes some of the pressure off. |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Oct 8, 2018 23:44:03 GMT
Personally I think mind-body dualism is a mistake, seeing the mind and body as different and separate. Our hormones affect our minds and our minds affect our hormones. I'm not entirely sure what you are asking here, do you mean shouldn't the instinctive drive to reproduce make someone with generally healthy sex hormone levels sexually attracted to anyone who is a viable mate with the right genetic makeup, or...? Can you explain a bit more? Less complex-- I just mean if we had the right balance of hormones wouldn't we thus have sexual desire regardless of our psychology, attachment styles, etc.? I mean, most people have the drive at age 17, not so much at 37 or 67. Thus at older ages how do you know if a low drive is because of something psychological or just that you have a crappy balance of hormones? |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Oct 9, 2018 6:08:12 GMT
Personally I think mind-body dualism is a mistake, seeing the mind and body as different and separate. Our hormones affect our minds and our minds affect our hormones. I'm not entirely sure what you are asking here, do you mean shouldn't the instinctive drive to reproduce make someone with generally healthy sex hormone levels sexually attracted to anyone who is a viable mate with the right genetic makeup, or...? Can you explain a bit more? Less complex-- I just mean if we had the right balance of hormones wouldn't we thus have sexual desire regardless of our psychology, attachment styles, etc.? I mean, most people have the drive at age 17, not so much at 37 or 67. Thus at older ages how do you know if a low drive is because of something psychological or just that you have a crappy balance of hormones? It's all inter-related, the mind and body are one. Attachment type affects the hormones. The hypothalamus in the brain controls things like the release of hormones, sexual behavior and emotional responses, among other things. A dysregulation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-axis has been found in insecure attached people who are otherwise healthy. Now if someone is otherwise healthy and securely attached but just has a gradual decrease in sex drive with age, that seems very different than what people are talking about on these forums (things like going from a high interest in sex to sudden disinterest in sex with that partner, or having a high sexual interest in some people but zero interest in most). Insecurely attached people probably DO have a crappy balance of hormones or at least a crappy way of handling them within the brain and body. Sex drive is ruled by many hormonal and non-hormonal factors, which are all connected to the mind/brain/psychology. Our environment affects our biology. |
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Oct 15, 2018 0:23:26 GMT
I dont know what its like to be DA/FA as Im a secure but do have a bit of DA in me. Im dealing with a DA so its brought me here.
I know on the first date there is no 'spark' in any way. I actually usually know instantly upon meeting them. Ive even tried a second date because it was a nice man to see in case it 'was me'. It was just not there even though they may have checked all the boxes as someone great. I connect with limited men and Im secure so its not just an avoidance thing.
While I know you are working on things it just can very well be, its just not there. No more, no less. Maybe not 'over think' so much so to speak and go with the flow dating again while still keeping aware of you working on things.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2018 10:26:27 GMT
I had that problem later in a relationship, there were times when I started deactivating for long periods of time for the first time. I was very calm, as if I didn't care anymore which was unfamiliar. I was ready to move on with no regret. I had no idea if it was avoidance kicking in or if I became more secure and simply tired of him.
When I'm not into someone though, I'm not into someone. My attachment style kicks in when I get attached. I might not proceed with things, talk myself out of it but I HAVE TO be into them first.
|
|
