Difference between deactivation vs being "not into" someone?

Is this because they are not attractive, or are you talking about some sort of intangible "spark"? 

Interesting.

Are you unable to having any sexual attraction with people that don't give the vibe? Like its black and white?

For me it's the vibe between me and them, the vibe beats deactivation.

But there are some factors at play.

First, I'm painfully aware of the chemistry between me and other people, how our 'energy' flows together. And this includes every person I interact with, not just potential romantic partners. I'm just naturally tuned into that.

Second of all, I'm FA and have a history of being attracted to DAs. According to many, this pairing is repellent — true enough, I don't recall anything ever starting with them, it just dies out when one of us fucks up (sans my current situation which has been pending for a while) — but even so there has always been a strong attraction towards these guys that is separate from my attachment style, forcing me to work on my avoidance along the way just to get closer to them. It's mutual, and it's always them who are attracted to me first or I wouldn't bother otherwise.

Third, I don't recall fully deactivating with them, gotten pretty close but I tend to push myself through it. It's because we never really get far enough for them to cross my strongest deactivation threshold: my main issue is physical intimacy, while theirs is emotional intimacy. We have to go through the latter first in order to reach the former. And it has never happened, although I find it easier to work through the emotional stuff than they do. God forbid we make it through that and physical intimacy becomes imminent, that's when I know my avoidance will kick in FULL GEAR. I'll most likely begin to shake out of fear while my soul leaves my body and I end up in a lifelong vegetative state. Or something.

(Hmm, come to think of it, probably the reason I'm attracted to emotionally unavailable men is because I know it's very hard for them to get through the emotional stuff, and that's how I know I'd never have to face the biggest monster of them all: physical intimacy.)

So I think this all depends on the individuals involved. The more you know yourself and your patterns, the better you'll be able to tell the difference between deactivation vs not being into someone.

Other than that:



Can totally relate. I've never been interested in someone who is not interested in me. And I also get very suspicious when someone likes me right off the bat, like... do you even know me bro?



Ooh, this is interesting. It reminds me, with the current DA guy I'm interested in, there was totally NO SPARKS at first. I even tested it and he was very unresponsive to my gestures (which almost always work on any guy, DA or not). I actually got peeved... "how dare he not think of me as alluring?" Can you say dejected?

But eventually, it turned out that he was just so repressed that he had been blocking his attraction, so to speak (even to himself, it was buried that deep). Because when it awakened, it was so strong that I could almost feel his lust in the air. It was the same for me. I'd feel tiny bits of attraction but I'd stomp on them as quickly as I could. Until one day, I just let loose and it was almost painful how strongly I felt.

Our chemistry now is undeniable, that it feels electric accidentally coming to contact with his skin, let alone when it's intentional touching. We are both highly aware of each other physically and are careful to not get too close or pull any maneuvers that would send us both into No Man's Land. IDK what to do.