How do you deal with the push away phase?

A long story.

I was on my own journey throughout our relationship and gradually came to realise that I was worth more than suppressing my needs - that life is precious and that I wanted to live it honestly, fully and authentically. I was able to communicate this and he basically shut down - my worst fear. Stopped communicating, for almost 18 months and I dragged my way through the worst and most true period of mourning I had ever experienced. But i did it, i accepted what I felt and what i had lost, I felt sad, angry, hopeless - thought it was all his fault and then eventually worked my way out the other side into a place of true acceptance by which I mean acceptance of my own contribution to our problems, of my own lack of emotional availability and honesty. It was a huge relief and a real feeling of freedom.

Strangely enough, soon after he came back - having done some work himself - not for the sake of the relationship but for his own sake.  I think this distinction is important - changing for the benefit of someone else, is much less likely to be lasting - although it appeals to our romantic ego! 

His work I supposed uncovered his own emotional life - and also meant that the denial which he had felt previously had been lifted and he was able to express love openly and honestly.

It is still very much a work in progress and as it goes we learn more and more.  Since the push pull dynamic ended we are left in a very different space and there has been a redefining of roles which is sometimes uncomfortable - particularly since i now realise that both of us lived somehow from the adrenaline rush of unavailability and without this to hide behind, being loving is a constant choice that we both make, rather than an overwhelming feeling.