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Post by kristyrose on Oct 18, 2018 23:10:49 GMT
Thank you ALL very much.
I'm very touched and very grateful to have your amazing words of support. The numbness has already worn off but letting myself just feel the pain. He is waiting for me to respond to his email and see if I agree to his new terms.
I've drafted one saying all I want to say, but I'm going to send when/if I feel ready, or nothing at all. No longer can things be about him.
many hugs back
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Post by epicgum on Oct 18, 2018 23:19:00 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. I dont have anything to add at this point, just hugs and encouragement.
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 18, 2018 23:28:45 GMT
thank you epicgum! I had a hunch I'd get some kind of email like this from him, he always pulls away when he gets back from seeing family. I just didn't expect all of it to be gone and for him to seem so OK with it. I have to suspect that when the high of being in control yet again wears off, he will come to understand what he lost. This of course is when he comes charging back, I just need to be ready for that and not engage. |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 18, 2018 23:37:48 GMT
A little help, as a secure, at times I need my space to process anger too. I find this... we are people and need to think and need to process. Anger can cloud us no matter what attachment we have. We need time to think. While other attachments my need more time or different time space we are all just people and need to process.
We are all just people no matter what our issues are or attachment. People are people.
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 18, 2018 23:41:39 GMT
A little help, as a secure, at times I need my space to process anger too. I find this just a we are people thing and need to process. Anger can cloud us no matter what attachment we have. We need time to think. While other attachments my need more time or different time space we are all just people and need to process. Thank you and I think you are right on that as well. With him though, he wasn't angry as much as he felt too engulfed which triggered him and has made me declare his space again but this time with more limits on how we should interact. He has slowly reduced our time and affection over the past year, but also would panic when I pulled away so he'd ramp up the affection and things he knew i liked. Now, he is resetting the relationship rules yet again taking away pretty much everything, but stating that he wants me to remain his friend. too much for me, or probably a secure too don't you think? |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2018 23:45:19 GMT
Thank you ALL very much. I'm very touched and very grateful to have your amazing words of support. The numbness has already worn off but letting myself just feel the pain. He is waiting for me to respond to his email and see if I agree to his new terms. I've drafted one saying all I want to say, but I'm going to send when/if I feel ready, or nothing at all. No longer can things be about him. many hugs back I am so sorry for your long and painful journey. My best gf said to me, "when you are ready, you will no longer engage. I promise, it will come". Many hugs to you. |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 18, 2018 23:51:21 GMT
@mary
You made me well up... in a good way though my friend. Thank you.
And how are you doing??
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 19, 2018 0:01:09 GMT
A little help, as a secure, at times I need my space to process anger too. I find this just a we are people thing and need to process. Anger can cloud us no matter what attachment we have. We need time to think. While other attachments my need more time or different time space we are all just people and need to process. Thank you and I think you are right on that as well. With him though, he wasn't angry as much as he felt too engulfed which triggered him and has made me declare his space again but this time with more limits on how we should interact. He has slowly reduced our time and affection over the past year, but also would panic when I pulled away so he'd ramp up the affection and things he knew i liked. Now, he is resetting the relationship rules yet again taking away pretty much everything, but stating that he wants me to remain his friend. too much for me, or probably a secure too don't you think? I hear ya as Im dealing with a DA I had to cut off.
As a secure with a bit of DA I dont know why I didnt cut him sooner, I have this soft spot for him. Ive done some serious soul searching about this and Im secure! haha. Its hard for any of us to let go at times... Trust me, it happens to any of us!
ive had some Serious convos with a friend of mine I can open up to like that as to why I put up with him and done some serious self reflection... and it come downs to I want what I cant have and sex! haha. DA and I have had hot sex and so much in common... its hard to let go even though I know darn well I can find someone available. Im perfectly imperfect awesomeness and some great guy will see this, I have no doubts about it.
For me I had to cut all contact. Yes its too much for a secure too...
I told him not to contact me again unless he is willing to self reflect and work on himself. He just cannot love me the way I want until he loves himself, he has to at least try to make an effort to get there even if it takes time. Becoming self aware is a huge step no matter what style we are. I think we could work if he did the work because of what we have in common and our need for independence. The chemistry is there for sure. Too bad his avoidance blocks us.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2018 0:03:16 GMT
@mary You made me well up... in a good way though my friend. Thank you. And how are you doing?? I'm alright, thank you for asking. I continue to engage as well with my ex, but in a more distant way. However, I am detached and ready to move on. |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 21, 2018 19:23:36 GMT
Hey everyone,
So, been starting to feel better and had a really nice day with some friends yesterday. Of course because I'm feeling stronger and happier, my ex sends me a text at midnight last night asking if I want to go to brunch this morning.
I said no, and then he proceeded to ask me if I want to at least meet him at the park by his house even for a minute or if he can come here on his way to a friends house. I said no on both. Now he is texting asking how I am healing from my accident and I'm ignoring him.
I don't feel too triggered by this BS today, I'm trying to hold onto the good feelings I've been cultivating this weekend. Coming on here keeps me tied to the work I continue to do on myself...
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Post by lilyg on Oct 21, 2018 19:57:58 GMT
Hey everyone, So, been starting to feel better and had a really nice day with some friends yesterday. Of course because I'm feeling stronger and happier, my ex sends me a text at midnight last night asking if I want to go to brunch this morning. I said no, and then he proceeded to ask me if I want to at least meet him at the park by his house even for a minute or if he can come here on his way to a friends house. I said no on both. Now he is texting asking how I am healing from my accident and I'm ignoring him. I don't feel too triggered by this BS today, I'm trying to hold onto the good feelings I've been cultivating this weekend. Coming on here keeps me tied to the work I continue to do on myself... I'm really glad you're feeling better and not activated 😊 It makes me feel empowered too to see someone standing her ground, it's inspiring for me right now. Thank you! |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 21, 2018 20:15:38 GMT
You doing OK lilyg? It's hard, but at the same time what I'm doing is envisioning what it would be like to actually see him today and as I run through the scenario, I know exactly how it will go. He will be polite, maybe a bit of affection, but then he will leave and feel like he's back in control and I'm just sitting here back in the position of pining for him. If it helps, if you need it today, do some visualizations that place you in a triggered spot, and feel the alternative of just taking care of YOU! Ping me though if you need support, I'm here. |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 21, 2018 20:42:52 GMT
You doing OK lilyg? It's hard, but at the same time what I'm doing is envisioning what it would be like to actually see him today and as I run through the scenario, I know exactly how it will go. He will be polite, maybe a bit of affection, but then he will leave and feel like he's back in control and I'm just sitting here back in the position of pining for him. If it helps, if you need it today, do some visualizations that place you in a triggered spot, and feel the alternative of just taking care of YOU! Ping me though if you need support, I'm here. I see. It's a very good technique, I am very happy that you regain your control. You are breaking the pattern, it takes strength! I am very mad and hurt and disappointed. I'm exhausted of beating myself up and how my partner is punishing me. I know it's a response he has learned long ago but even if I understand, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I feel I have given up. I love him, he loves me, but I've honestly cried so much for him this year, it has become unhealthy for me. He is pushing me away and I'm losing hope. What's good is that I'm not afraid anymore, I am willing to lose the relationship if it does me no good. I'll give myself a couple of days to think about it. Thank you, yes I will 😊 I'll try to always tell myself that I have that alternative: take care of myself. When I'm feeling bad I picture my parents being alive and helping me in a nurturing way. I'm now holding a picture of them and muy first baby shoe that my father made for me. Is it weird? Hahaha I might start to open up to my friends. Same to you! If you need anything I'm here 💐 |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 21, 2018 23:01:34 GMT
You doing OK lilyg? It's hard, but at the same time what I'm doing is envisioning what it would be like to actually see him today and as I run through the scenario, I know exactly how it will go. He will be polite, maybe a bit of affection, but then he will leave and feel like he's back in control and I'm just sitting here back in the position of pining for him. If it helps, if you need it today, do some visualizations that place you in a triggered spot, and feel the alternative of just taking care of YOU! Ping me though if you need support, I'm here. I see. It's a very good technique, I am very happy that you regain your control. You are breaking the pattern, it takes strength! I am very mad and hurt and disappointed. I'm exhausted of beating myself up and how my partner is punishing me. I know it's a response he has learned long ago but even if I understand, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I feel I have given up. I love him, he loves me, but I've honestly cried so much for him this year, it has become unhealthy for me. He is pushing me away and I'm losing hope. What's good is that I'm not afraid anymore, I am willing to lose the relationship if it does me no good. I'll give myself a couple of days to think about it. Thank you, yes I will 😊 I'll try to always tell myself that I have that alternative: take care of myself. When I'm feeling bad I picture my parents being alive and helping me in a nurturing way. I'm now holding a picture of them and muy first baby shoe that my father made for me. Is it weird? Hahaha I might start to open up to my friends. Same to you! If you need anything I'm here 💐 Step 1: stop beating yourself up! Advice given to me many times, not that I'm all that good about following it!!! |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 22, 2018 0:28:06 GMT
I see. It's a very good technique, I am very happy that you regain your control. You are breaking the pattern, it takes strength! I am very mad and hurt and disappointed. I'm exhausted of beating myself up and how my partner is punishing me. I know it's a response he has learned long ago but even if I understand, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I feel I have given up. I love him, he loves me, but I've honestly cried so much for him this year, it has become unhealthy for me. He is pushing me away and I'm losing hope. What's good is that I'm not afraid anymore, I am willing to lose the relationship if it does me no good. I'll give myself a couple of days to think about it. Thank you, yes I will 😊 I'll try to always tell myself that I have that alternative: take care of myself. When I'm feeling bad I picture my parents being alive and helping me in a nurturing way. I'm now holding a picture of them and muy first baby shoe that my father made for me. Is it weird? Hahaha I might start to open up to my friends. Same to you! If you need anything I'm here 💐 Step 1: stop beating yourself up! Advice given to me many times, not that I'm all that good about following it!!! Thank you for reminding me this, epicgum 😊 It helps a lot. This way I can take better decisions for myself. |
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