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Post by kristyrose on Oct 13, 2018 23:25:03 GMT
Hey everyone,
My FA ex is ignoring me... again.
This time its because I didnt get back to him for a gew days after a text he sent. I have been recovering from an injury I sustained Bout 2 weeks ago that landed me in the ER.
I had asked for a visit but he wanted to see a movie so it was bascially a movie or nothing. All i needed was support ao I felt hurt and told him that. He responded with, ”dont guilt me”. At any rate that week he texted to ask how I was but i was too angry and hurt to engage plus feeling very ill all week so i didnt respond until
The wknd but apologized for the delay and explained why. He has since given me the silent treatment and said that its ok if i go ailent but if he does, its not ok.
I never go silent on him, and explained that its rare i do this and to please understand why. He wont speak to me. So now Im just sitting on the other end of being ignored while recovering and it just hurts badly. I guess im looking for support and any suggestions to try and soothe myself...
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 14, 2018 2:03:57 GMT
Hi kristyroseI'm not sure I'm in the best place to give good well-thought-out advice right now, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. How long has is been since he replied? Have you been texting/calling repeatedly? |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 14, 2018 2:28:37 GMT
Hey everyone, My FA ex is ignoring me... again. This time its because I didnt get back to him for a gew days after a text he sent. I have been recovering from an injury I sustained Bout 2 weeks ago that landed me in the ER. I had asked for a visit but he wanted to see a movie so it was bascially a movie or nothing. All i needed was support ao I felt hurt and told him that. He responded with, ”dont guilt me”. At any rate that week he texted to ask how I was but i was too angry and hurt to engage plus feeling very ill all week so i didnt respond until The wknd but apologized for the delay and explained why. He has since given me the silent treatment and said that its ok if i go ailent but if he does, its not ok. I never go silent on him, and explained that its rare i do this and to please understand why. He wont speak to me. So now Im just sitting on the other end of being ignored while recovering and it just hurts badly. I guess im looking for support and any suggestions to try and soothe myself... ...I am so sorry for you. As hard as this is going to be, I would spend your time with your friends who love you and are there for you. You said your piece with him...he is now making a choice...that is his right...but you also have a right that when he comes back asking how you are or trying to engage you, to make a decision that is best for you. The two of you are not dating...but it seems you both have expectations of each other and are allowing misunderstandings to become personal. So try to take your mind off of him and move it towards people who bring you joy....and pamper yourself a bit. Sending cyber hugs. |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 14, 2018 2:31:57 GMT
Hi kristyroseI'm not sure I'm in the best place to give good well-thought-out advice right now, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. How long has is been since he replied? Have you been texting/calling repeatedly? Hey. We last texted thurs eve. He told me he is extremely busy with his family and cannot deal with added stress. So I let him know that i understand that, but both of our feelings matter. I sent him a text this morning letting him know I wont text anymore as its too painful to reach out and only get silence in return. I said i will not ignore him if he contacts me, just wont be initiating contact. Havent sent anything since, and he is silent. Usually i leave him be anyway when he is w family, but we always talk at least once a day while he is away. Its all because i didnt respond to his text for 4 days. Are you ok?? |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 14, 2018 2:38:09 GMT
Hey everyone, My FA ex is ignoring me... again. This time its because I didnt get back to him for a gew days after a text he sent. I have been recovering from an injury I sustained Bout 2 weeks ago that landed me in the ER. I had asked for a visit but he wanted to see a movie so it was bascially a movie or nothing. All i needed was support ao I felt hurt and told him that. He responded with, ”dont guilt me”. At any rate that week he texted to ask how I was but i was too angry and hurt to engage plus feeling very ill all week so i didnt respond until The wknd but apologized for the delay and explained why. He has since given me the silent treatment and said that its ok if i go ailent but if he does, its not ok. I never go silent on him, and explained that its rare i do this and to please understand why. He wont speak to me. So now Im just sitting on the other end of being ignored while recovering and it just hurts badly. I guess im looking for support and any suggestions to try and soothe myself... ...I am so sorry for you. As hard as this is going to be, I would spend your time with your friends who love you and are there for you. You said your piece with him...he is now making a choice...that is his right...but you also have a right that when he comes back asking how you are or trying to engage you, to make a decision that is best for you. The two of you are not dating...but it seems you both have expectations of each other and are allowing misunderstandings to become personal. So try to take your mind off of him and move it towards people who bring you joy....and pamper yourself a bit. Sending cyber hugs. Thank you Tnr9. I aporeciate it. Yes things seem to escalate way too fast with us, he goes from 0 to 60 at the slightest thibg. If i voice how im hurt by him, he usually withdraws and says i make him feel like a monster. I honestly did not think my taking some time to myself would upset him. How are you doing? |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2018 3:03:05 GMT
Hey everyone, My FA ex is ignoring me... again. This time its because I didnt get back to him for a gew days after a text he sent. I have been recovering from an injury I sustained Bout 2 weeks ago that landed me in the ER. I had asked for a visit but he wanted to see a movie so it was bascially a movie or nothing. All i needed was support ao I felt hurt and told him that. He responded with, ”dont guilt me”. At any rate that week he texted to ask how I was but i was too angry and hurt to engage plus feeling very ill all week so i didnt respond until The wknd but apologized for the delay and explained why. He has since given me the silent treatment and said that its ok if i go ailent but if he does, its not ok. I never go silent on him, and explained that its rare i do this and to please understand why. He wont speak to me. So now Im just sitting on the other end of being ignored while recovering and it just hurts badly. I guess im looking for support and any suggestions to try and soothe myself... Hey...so sorry for what you’re going through. He isn’t at all being understanding or sensitive to you or your needs, while at the same time lashing out at you. My avoidant ex doesn’t initiate contact but if I reach out about anything medical- like my dad’s health lately, he’s sympathetic and responds immediately. What is the nature of your relationship with your ex? Do you see other people? Do you still date? You already communicated your boundary so it sounds like the only thing left to do is take care of yourself. Love yourself. Keep yourself busy and replace thoughts of him with other things/interests/hobbies. It may even be a project like cleaning out the closet- just have a focus on something besides him. Sounds like he’ll be back around in a few days to a week so it’s important to remember how he treated you and what you want when he does come around again. Sorry 😞 My ex doesn’t say hurtful things- he’s always in control and careful not to criticize, but he stonewalls when I bring up relational topics, so I know how it feels to be ignored. It’s so hard for me to cope with the silence- I’ve taken to running, praying and YouTube videos to soothe and heal. Remember, you’re not alone. Love and prayers 💗🙏🏻 |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 14, 2018 3:04:49 GMT
kristyrose ...I am so sorry for you. As hard as this is going to be, I would spend your time with your friends who love you and are there for you. You said your piece with him...he is now making a choice...that is his right...but you also have a right that when he comes back asking how you are or trying to engage you, to make a decision that is best for you. The two of you are not dating...but it seems you both have expectations of each other and are allowing misunderstandings to become personal. So try to take your mind off of him and move it towards people who bring you joy....and pamper yourself a bit. Sending cyber hugs. Thank you Tnr9. I aporeciate it. Yes things seem to escalate way too fast with us, he goes from 0 to 60 at the slightest thibg. If i voice how im hurt by him, he usually withdraws and says i make him feel like a monster. I honestly did not think my taking some time to myself would upset him. How are you doing? Thank you for asking. I am actually doing well today....I went shopping for a Halloween costume and ran a few errands and am now watching a movie on Netflix. My furry new cat-friend is busy cleaning between his toes. I do miss B and it comes in spurts..but time and distance are helping. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2018 4:12:38 GMT
Do you see that you were wanting support from him but when he reached out, to ask how you were, you ignored him thus pushing him away? it does seem like a bunch of protest behavior back and forth. and it seems like you always have a good excuse to act out but in your eyes he doesn't, and he's always just a jerk in your perspective. he's a jerk and you're hurt. but he sounds hurt too, and like he thinks you're a jerk. you both seem to feel victimized by the other. maybe on your end it's related to how insecure you feel because he doesn't verbalize commitment. but then he seems to show up quite a bit for you. but it's never quite right, never quite enough. it seems like you two just go into petty fight mode easily and you get butthurt even if you behaved in protest ways too. my guess is that the relationship just is too insecure for either of you to ever really relax. |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 14, 2018 4:54:12 GMT
Do you see that you were wanting support from him but when he reached out, to ask how you were, you ignored him thus pushing him away? I do now! thank you for pointing that out... hate to admit, but its true |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 14, 2018 4:59:40 GMT
Do you see that you were wanting support from him but when he reached out, to ask how you were, you ignored him thus pushing him away? it does seem like a bunch of protest behavior back and forth. and it seems like you always have a good excuse to act out but in your eyes he doesn't, and he's always just a jerk in your perspective. he's a jerk and you're hurt. but he sounds hurt too, and like he thinks you're a jerk. you both seem to feel victimized by the other. maybe on your end it's related to how insecure you feel because he doesn't verbalize commitment. but then he seems to show up quite a bit for you. but it's never quite right, never quite enough. it seems like you two just go into petty fight mode easily and you get butthurt even if you behaved in protest ways too. my guess is that the relationship just is too insecure for either of you to ever really relax. Hey Juniper! I do have to agree with a lot of what you say here. I've been thinking on it today and I don't like a lot of how either of us showed up, but mostly myself. I don't fully agree that I always have a good excuse to act out, I think there are times where I just hit a limit and I don't consider some of it acting out, though I know that there are more times I do than don't, so that is true. I think you are spot on about us both being victimized by the other and yes, I am definitely butthurt! x's 100! But, when I didn't respond to his text, I truly felt spent at the time and just could not bring myself to engage. I was attacked the week prior, so I was bandaged up and SUPER vulnerable and I just needed him and I felt that his wanting to see a movie out, was very hurtful when he knows what happened and he was gone all weekend (with no protests here). I felt like I had to just step away and when I respond just a few days later, I did apologize and I did explain why. He chose to react in his way which I did find jerky, but upon reflection, I was a total jerk too because I could have just said I cant talk now, will respond later. So, I was acting out even if I think I wasn't, or I guess would LIKE to think I wasn't. I also agree that it is too insecure for either of us to relax and that saddens me. I also am kicking myself for my behavior but also trying to hold onto expressing my needs when they arise. Can be tough for me I think... good feedback though! |
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 14, 2018 5:19:15 GMT
Hi kristyrose I'm not sure I'm in the best place to give good well-thought-out advice right now, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. How long has is been since he replied? Have you been texting/calling repeatedly? Hey. We last texted thurs eve. He told me he is extremely busy with his family and cannot deal with added stress. So I let him know that i understand that, but both of our feelings matter. I sent him a text this morning letting him know I wont text anymore as its too painful to reach out and only get silence in return. I said i will not ignore him if he contacts me, just wont be initiating contact. Havent sent anything since, and he is silent. Usually i leave him be anyway when he is w family, but we always talk at least once a day while he is away. Its all because i didnt respond to his text for 4 days. Are you ok?? I don't want to make you feel any worse when you're having a tough time, and I really have a ton of compassion and empathy for how you're feeling, but sometimes we have to tell people what we think will help them grow, not what will necessarily comfort them. Although maybe it could potentially comfort you too, I don't know. As an uninvolved person who doesn't have a lot of detail to go on, these are my thoughts: It seems like you think you had good reason for not texting him but that he doesn't have good reason for not texting you and is simply not texting you out of vengeance. But he told you he is extremely busy with his family and cannot deal with added stress. It seems a mistake to assume his silence is solely cruel punishment because you ignored him for 4 days. And there must have been times before that he didn't text you for days, no? Maybe, like you he feels "too angry and hurt to engage." Maybe it felt just as horrible to him to be ignored as it does to you and he isn't trying to punish you exactly but is busy and stressed and hurt himself and can't prioritize your feelings right now. It seems unfair to hold him to higher standards than you hold yourself. I guess I'm trying to help you see things from a different perspective, but I also don't want you to go into an AP spiral of blaming yourself and ONLY having compassion for him. You don't need to blame either of you. But maybe you can work on reducing your own protest behavior in the future, and work on taking it like less of an attack when he withdraws in the future? And right now remember, he'll be back. And if he actually ignores you forever, then honestly good riddance, and you WILL be ok. Sometimes I like to play out my biggest fears in my head and realize I will survive even if they come true. Do you ever meditate? I'll be ok, just having a tough time, thanks for asking. |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 14, 2018 5:33:52 GMT
Hey. We last texted thurs eve. He told me he is extremely busy with his family and cannot deal with added stress. So I let him know that i understand that, but both of our feelings matter. I sent him a text this morning letting him know I wont text anymore as its too painful to reach out and only get silence in return. I said i will not ignore him if he contacts me, just wont be initiating contact. Havent sent anything since, and he is silent. Usually i leave him be anyway when he is w family, but we always talk at least once a day while he is away. Its all because i didnt respond to his text for 4 days. Are you ok?? I don't want to make you feel any worse when you're having a tough time, and I really have a ton of compassion and empathy for how you're feeling, but sometimes we have to tell people what we think will help them grow, not what will necessarily comfort them. Although maybe it could potentially comfort you too, I don't know. As an uninvolved person who doesn't have a lot of detail to go on, these are my thoughts: It seems like you think you had good reason for not texting him but that he doesn't have good reason for not texting you and is simply not texting you out of vengeance. But he told you he is extremely busy with his family and cannot deal with added stress. It seems a mistake to assume his silence is solely cruel punishment because you ignored him for 4 days. And there must have been times before that he didn't text you for days, no? Maybe, like you he feels "too angry and hurt to engage." Maybe it felt just as horrible to him to be ignored as it does to you and he isn't trying to punish you exactly but is busy and stressed and hurt himself and can't prioritize your feelings right now. It seems unfair to hold him to higher standards than you hold yourself. I guess I'm trying to help you see things from a different perspective, but I also don't want you to go into an AP spiral of blaming yourself and ONLY having compassion for him. You don't need to blame either of you. But maybe you can work on reducing your own protest behavior in the future, and work on taking it like less of an attack when he withdraws in the future? And right now remember, he'll be back. And if he actually ignores you forever, then honestly good riddance, and you WILL be ok. Sometimes I like to play out my biggest fears in my head and realize I will survive even if they come true. Do you ever meditate? I'll be ok, just having a tough time, thanks for asking. Thank you for this response. I was actually JUST telling myself not to solely blame myself as I started to think "ugh! why didn't I just respond to that text!" but, whats done is done. It did occur to me, much later though, that I may have hurt him as well. Another thought, I fail to remember that he has told me he numerous times he cannot do more than one task at a time, that he gets easily overwhelmed. I should not have confronted him with texts as to why he wasn't responding and how it was hurtful and how I never do that to him. He was obviously angry/hurt and I wanted to be heard but could not hear him. At the same time, I want to work on being more upfront and honoring my feelings. I see how poorly I am at communicating things without allowing them to escalate. I guess I really see my role in this particular situation and I'm not proud of it, but I also know that I do let him know that I care about him and that he is important to me. He doesn't give me those words ever, so it is understandable that I feel like he doesn't care, or I need reminders that he can't vocalize it. Hearing different perspectives helps me grow and sometimes shows me where I need a lot more work. I appreciate so much all that you are saying. Truly. Everyone gives different feedback and I take it all in and it helps both comfort and educate me! I am thinking of you as well, I am very sorry you're having a tough time... sending light and warm thoughts. I do meditate, pretty much every morning :-) and at night as well |
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 14, 2018 5:58:01 GMT
Thank you for this response. I was actually JUST telling myself not to solely blame myself as I started to think "ugh! why didn't I just respond to that text!" but, whats done is done. It did occur to me, much later though, that I may have hurt him as well. Another thought, I fail to remember that he has told me he numerous times he cannot do more than one task at a time, that he gets easily overwhelmed. I should not have confronted him with texts as to why he wasn't responding and how it was hurtful and how I never do that to him. He was obviously angry/hurt and I wanted to be heard but could not hear him. At the same time, I want to work on being more upfront and honoring my feelings. I see how poorly I am at communicating things without allowing them to escalate. I guess I really see my role in this particular situation and I'm not proud of it, but I also know that I do let him know that I care about him and that he is important to me. He doesn't give me those words ever, so it is understandable that I feel like he doesn't care, or I need reminders that he can't vocalize it. Hearing different perspectives helps me grow and sometimes shows me where I need a lot more work. I appreciate so much all that you are saying. Truly. Everyone gives different feedback and I take it all in and it helps both comfort and educate me! I am thinking of you as well, I am very sorry you're having a tough time... sending light and warm thoughts. I do meditate, pretty much every morning :-) and at night as well I think it's good instead of having regrets or beating yourself up about things you wish you'd done differently to see them as lessons and ways to grow. And don't forget that he should be doing things differently too. By which I don't mean to whine at him that he should, but just not to convince yourself that it's just your responsibility and if only you did this or that differently things would be great. Are there things he does that show he cares? Do you ever meditate with an intention? |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 14, 2018 6:14:21 GMT
Thank you for this response. I was actually JUST telling myself not to solely blame myself as I started to think "ugh! why didn't I just respond to that text!" but, whats done is done. It did occur to me, much later though, that I may have hurt him as well. Another thought, I fail to remember that he has told me he numerous times he cannot do more than one task at a time, that he gets easily overwhelmed. I should not have confronted him with texts as to why he wasn't responding and how it was hurtful and how I never do that to him. He was obviously angry/hurt and I wanted to be heard but could not hear him. At the same time, I want to work on being more upfront and honoring my feelings. I see how poorly I am at communicating things without allowing them to escalate. I guess I really see my role in this particular situation and I'm not proud of it, but I also know that I do let him know that I care about him and that he is important to me. He doesn't give me those words ever, so it is understandable that I feel like he doesn't care, or I need reminders that he can't vocalize it. Hearing different perspectives helps me grow and sometimes shows me where I need a lot more work. I appreciate so much all that you are saying. Truly. Everyone gives different feedback and I take it all in and it helps both comfort and educate me! I am thinking of you as well, I am very sorry you're having a tough time... sending light and warm thoughts. I do meditate, pretty much every morning :-) and at night as well I think it's good instead of having regrets or beating yourself up about things you wish you'd done differently to see them as lessons and ways to grow. And don't forget that he should be doing things differently too. By which I don't mean to whine at him that he should, but just not to convince yourself that it's just your responsibility and if only you did this or that differently things would be great. Are there things he does that show he cares? Do you ever meditate with an intention? He will check in on me during the week to see how I am and if I need help around the house. He is attentive when we are togethe and affectionate when we are intimate. He will compliment me and go out of his way to give advice on the phone when I have a major decision and while he never tells me how he feels about me, he makes himself available most weekends to hang out with me. This past May it was confusing, he started trying to spend more time with me and even my friends, he also wanted to get back on my sisters good side, but that was short lived. I havent tried with intention, I usually do guided mediation around self love, finding all answers within the self, no outside attachments for fulfillment. |
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 14, 2018 8:50:58 GMT
He will check in on me during the week to see how I am and if I need help around the house. He is attentive when we are togethe and affectionate when we are intimate. He will compliment me and go out of his way to give advice on the phone when I have a major decision and while he never tells me how he feels about me, he makes himself available most weekends to hang out with me. This past May it was confusing, he started trying to spend more time with me and even my friends, he also wanted to get back on my sisters good side, but that was short lived. I havent tried with intention, I usually do guided mediation around self love, finding all answers within the self, no outside attachments for fulfillment. So he expresses caring, but it's not verbal. I too like to hear it in words, I think because then I know that the other person is aware that they care/have feelings for me. My experience with people who can't say it is that it's easy for them to deactivate and say they don't have any feelings for me. But maybe that's silly, since I've had people say they loved me and still treat me like garbage or avoid me. "This past May was confusing" – This may be news to you but FAs are confusing as hell. I'm not the highest on the avoidance/anxiety scales and I try very hard not to be confusing, and I still fail. I confuse myself. These people who are super high on the scales and don't even realize they have a problem are probably the most confusing people around. Look at a person's actions and consistency over time. An intention can be something like, "I'm going to listen for messages." Or you can ask a question, like, "What is the universe teaching me?" or, "What is the real reason I am feeling this pain right now?" I find this is helpful for self-soothing and getting intuitive insights. |
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