Responding to a Deactivating DA

Hmmm...the two things may not be connected at all in that example.  He might well react like that to any one who asked about his mental state, particularly if it was something he felt was a sign of weakness or something that spoke to his character.  Sometimes it doesn't matter who the speaker is or their attachment style:  If it is something the listener is sensitive about--s/he reacts. Just more openly with people they know well.  It could be just that. 

i'm going to be frank here, and offer advice in answer to your question.
please keep in mind my intention is to just help you understand so that you can see more clearly why things aren't working in spite of your good intentions.
i can't read his mind but i can offer a bare analysis based on what you've shared.
there's no spite in the following:

Get him out of the fishbowl in terms of his mood. do not analyze and probe it. do your best to change your habit of being concerned about his internal state, don't try to help. don't ask. let him share if he wants to but leave that to his discretion and timing and willingness. step way back and turn your focus to your own internal state at all times, leaving him to analyze and work with his own in complete privacy. Get out of his head once and for all.

i say this because i see it as quite possible that he feels very engulfed by you. perhaps deeply and consistently criticized, poked, and prodded to be other than he is, he may feel criticized and infantilized by a woman who at the same time wants to "help, support, heal" him.
he may feel that just when he is relaxed you bring up a suggestion for improvement. he may feel exasperated by not being able to just be, without sensing your dissatisfaction, worry, and discontent.

if he does feel so, (and who knows; i don't. i would in his position. but i'm not him) then your absence would be a relief, and unless you alter your approach he will not let you continue to influence him that way with your unhappiness.

also, in terms of the desire for more together time. please read the thread i posted in the DA support forum where we are discussing in our safe space about the difficulty of that for us. This is why your request could have seemed overwhelming and the last straw, piled on any other protest behavior or critical words you may have shared with him. if an AP who had protested strongly or with regularity with me in the past asked me to plan more together time ( a capacity i simply lack, and don't care to try to develop a
to please anyone at this point in my life) i would perhaps just want to be done also, whether anyone else can understand or support me or not. i'd just have to draw a line somewhere with all the differing needs and capacities between AP/DA. this request would shine a bright light on the fundamentally OPPOSITE drives ; its the very difference between AP and DA in a nutshell.

and the price of being unable to meet this need based on my internal wiring and capacity, = unhappy AP = protest behavior = NO. NO . that's where i let go and just need to be alone and stop trying to fit someone's agenda that simply does. not. jive. with. mine.

this post may or may not be well supported by AP here, but remember. i am not stuck in that trap, and this is simply a DA perspective of that dynamic and why i don't and won't go there again.

trying to be helpful. but it's the hard truth of how DA respond to AP needs for relationship.

faithopelove i see your process as extremely honest and fruitful and actually, i would think it entirely possible for you to just grow more secure and find a secure partner that you can be your natural self with, and have your needs met joyfully and easily!

you can find compatibility that flows and feels like home to you. i totally believe that!

i'm going to be frank here, and offer advice in answer to your question.
please keep in mind my intention is to just help you understand so that you can see more clearly why things aren't working in spite of your good intentions.
i can't read his mind but i can offer a bare analysis based on what you've shared.
there's no spite in the following:

Get him out of the fishbowl in terms of his mood. do not analyze and probe it. do your best to change your habit of being concerned about his internal state, don't try to help. don't ask. let him share if he wants to but leave that to his discretion and timing and willingness. step way back and turn your focus to your own internal state at all times, leaving him to analyze and work with his own in complete privacy. Get out of his head once and for all.

i say this because i see it as quite possible that he feels very engulfed by you. perhaps deeply and consistently criticized, poked, and prodded to be other than he is, he may feel criticized and infantilized by a woman who at the same time wants to "help, support, heal" him.
he may feel that just when he is relaxed you bring up a suggestion for improvement. he may feel exasperated by not being able to just be, without sensing your dissatisfaction, worry, and discontent.

if he does feel so, (and who knows; i don't. i would in his position. but i'm not him) then your absence would be a relief, and unless you alter your approach he will not let you continue to influence him that way with your unhappiness.

also, in terms of the desire for more together time. please read the thread i posted in the DA support forum where we are discussing in our safe space about the difficulty of that for us. This is why your request could have seemed overwhelming and the last straw, piled on any other protest behavior or critical words you may have shared with him. if an AP who had protested strongly or with regularity with me in the past asked me to plan more together time ( a capacity i simply lack, and don't care to try to develop a
to please anyone at this point in my life) i would perhaps just want to be done also, whether anyone else can understand or support me or not. i'd just have to draw a line somewhere with all the differing needs and capacities between AP/DA. this request would shine a bright light on the fundamentally OPPOSITE drives ; its the very difference between AP and DA in a nutshell.

and the price of being unable to meet this need based on my internal wiring and capacity, = unhappy AP = protest behavior = NO. NO . that's where i let go and just need to be alone and stop trying to fit someone's agenda that simply does. not. jive. with. mine.

this post may or may not be well supported by AP here, but remember. i am not stuck in that trap, and this is simply a DA perspective of that dynamic and why i don't and won't go there again.

trying to be helpful. but it's the hard truth of how DA respond to AP needs for relationship.