The Digital Human - why are we on this forum?

heres the thing....
whatever we're doing, we should feel bad about it.
it's just.... all going down the drain.


just kidding.
middle roads.
middle roads.

overthinking is a thing. lol!
not saying anyone here is doing that but i decline, i'm going to go eat some noodles.

I'm here because finding this board helped more than anything else to push me over the "last ten yards" so to speak into everything "clicking" for me and my mindset to finish its change from AP to earned secure. I knew a lot, but I didn't quite actually understand it until I started reading through here. Specifically, reading every older FA thread (mostly one of the other attachment types saying, here's what's happened with my FA, why is s/he like this, here's what happened next, things didn't work out) forced me to see that there are very similar patterns that repeat endlessly unless both insecurely attached partners take responsibility for their half. My story was not unique or mysterious, and nothing I could do was ultimately going to change anything unless my partner was as on board with confronting his own issues as I was in regards to my own issues. Not one account told a different story. This was really helpful in regards to removing blame and thinking I wasn't good enough / he wasn't "in love" with me enough to confront his issues (because that's not how this works). I already knew I'd been AP and had worked through that quite a lot before I found the board, but having it as a resource to really understand the work I'd inadvertently done and then being able to read about the experiences of both other insecure types and other APs pairing with other insecures also helped me to "get" it, to understand my entire dating history, and to see healthier ways forward.

So I've stuck around because it helped me so much, and I feel I can articulate my insecure experience and actually did earn secure, so I can compare, empathize, and contrast. I can be an AP example of it truly being possible to earn secure (it's not a myth!) and what "realistic" expectations are for the journey and aftermath. I wish I'd been able to figure that out five years ago, and that I'd found someone then who could start the conversation with me about it, and so I want to be a resource for others who are searching for those answers and at least found this board as a starting point.

I won't lie, I also get satisfaction in speaking to people who have self-selected to be here and explore this and are (mostly) open to thinking in a different way (ie focus on your own issues and not your partner's), are possibly already aware or are open to awareness about their own insecure attachment, and maybe are getting ready to work on it because I feel like I can be helpful in that situation... and it makes me feel a little less helpless that most of my real life insecure partners never got to that point so there was no growth in those relationships. That at least my going through all that, and all the pain, could still potentially help someone.

The self-selection also makes it possible to talk about this with other people who find it interesting and believe in it, and I feel more at liberty to discuss specific issues with people who don't know who my partners are, because I don't want want our mutual friends to know their business.

It's also helpful to me to "stay in practice" thinking secure, not slip into bad habits, and get interesting ideas and resources from other people sharing their experiences here. I have some insecurely attached friends in real life who have started their journeys, and I sometimes pass information from here to them. Links, suggestions, book recommendations, etc., which they have found helpful as well.

When I first started reading, there were some AP/DA/FA tonal conflicts I read in threads I wasn't actually participating in that made me bristle (I'm looking a little bit at you, juniper!), but I never said anything to anyone about it because I recognized that my sensitivities were coming from AP self-blame patterns that needed to be broken and it would be more productive for me to just sit with that and think about it than get defensive. It was! Now none of that tough love stuff bothers me at all, and I'm not sure if it's because I've come further in earning secure or if it's that I've observed repeatedly that high-level, the people who give tough love on this board have good intentions and come from different perspectives, all of which are valuable and give insight into other types and people. So it made it very clear it was never to be taken personally, which is a hard lesson for most insecures to absorb (because we're insecure!). And there's value in observing the AP/DA (FA) dynamic causing miscommunications and conflict on the board because it makes it more easy to recognize, and maybe to resolve, in real life.

In a lot of ways, being here is about learning good conflict resolution and communication skills. When people do get incredibly defensive and repetitive and stay that way, or drop off the board entirely, I feel like that's where they are in their awareness journey and they may need more time or a different medium than this board to get there. Doesn't mean they won't get there on their own timeline, but the same methods don't work for everyone.

Oh I overthink all the time. Probably a barrier to one of those "get out of your head and into your body and feel your emotions" things.

Dont worry though juniper if I read enough books and think about it enough I am sure i will figure it out!

I'll also add, I like forums, specially ones I learn from. Ive used forums since they were born on the net and there are not as many as there used to be, everyone is on facebook. I cant stand FB...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utsyj8bIbBk

These guys are my friends and I sing with them on and off - so the above is a plug, it's also relevant to this thread and finally it's imh epic!

absolutely.
and this board would be worthless to me without other DA sharing frankly and candidly, because that's my support right there.

they are like me.
they get me.
when i hear the other DA express their perspective, it helps me.

if they were not here i wouldn't be either.

Thank you for your honest self-reflections, ocarina - it really opens up space for me to be honest about the way my mind works on here. For me the biggest negative aspect of the way I engage with this forum (or with social media, though I don't really post there anymore) is my focus on validation (likes, replies, etc.). So very AP - it's like I'm more AP here than in the rest of my life. Maybe there's a great opportunity to work at it here, or maybe the format of the online interaction gets in the way of my doing the work.

I've been away over a month and almost forgot about the forum, and now that I'm back I have the urge to look at it a lot again, even when I'm out somewhere and would rather be feeling engaged in whatever I'm doing. My friend is staying with me from out of town this weekend, so maybe I crave the little introvert moments on my phone where I'm not engaging with him every minute? (He is sleeping now.)

I do notice, though, that my attention span for attachment-related topics is a lot shorter than it once was, and I don't want to read every thread (or even close to that many threads). I think it's probably a sign that I've made a bit of progress - certainly the issues with my ex have settled down significantly, even if they aren't 100% resolved.

Normally I am not strongly opinionated that people should do things a certain way or be a certain way. But I notice a judgmental side of myself coming out around topics that trigger me. One of these is the debate about whether our communications should be deliberately framed to convey care and minimize hurt to others, or whether we all should learn to be okay with all messages delivered with honesty and without ill will. And probably that is not really an either/or proposition, though it often ends up being a debate with two main sides. The word "should" is definitely a sign that it is a debate about values and there are some judgements involved. I do notice "should" statements coming up in myself around this question (even if I try to avoid using them in reference to others in my writing here), and with a lot of intensity that shows something is being triggered. Like you, I try to rein myself in if I observe that I'm getting judgemental and think I have THE answer for everyone and all situations.

Maybe it is tricky for me as an AP because my tendency is often to doubt my own beliefs when someone disagrees with me and defer often to others and let others have the last word. So I get confused about whether my path for growth in any given moment is to speak out in support of my values, or to cultivate humility and acknowledge openly that my perspective is limited. And again, maybe not an either/or thing.