Post by epicgum on Dec 14, 2018 2:03:03 GMT
Dec 10, 2018 18:01:42 GMT @blacksnow said:
Every time I come back to this forum, I realize just how insecure I was the last time I posted. I think this will keep happening.Thanks alexandra. I thought the "I will not give you more than you give me" principle was an FA way of keeping score. I do that a lot. I realize it definitely comes from mistrusting other people and fearing being taken advantage of, but if other people are insecure in their attachment, then it makes sense, no? Or... if other people (these exact people I keep score with) have shown to consistently take advantage of me, and I am not "capable" of healthy boundaries because they react badly, then I will use the keeping score strategy.
Just recently, during the month I didn't post here, I managed to change that. I went from keeping score to, admittedly uncomfortably, entering a "I'll give what I can, and then pull back when I'm overwhelmed or am ignoring my own needs." I'm not very good at it yet, and I start getting angry wanting to keep score, but these things aren't easy.
You are right that people have to be amenable to training. This has been happening with the DA guy I'm interested in. I'm creating a new thread on that. Literally everything you said is right.
In my opinion, keeping score out of mistrust / fear of being used is more of an FA thing, especially when they end up keeping "safe distance", ensuring not getting too much involved so that they won't be disappointed, betrayed or used. In this case, it is an attempt to change the power balance because they feel they can't get their needs met in any other way. They may distance themselves from the other person to make the connection feel safer. This is keeping score out of self-protection. They think they can only control their own expectations.
Then there's the more AP way of giving too much and expecting the same in return - and feeling sad or angry when they don't. But it is much less about fear / power / mistrust than it is about resentment from unmet, non-communicated needs. More typical for AP is also keeping score to play games, so that they won't appear needy or drive the other person away. More often than with FA, it results in trying to manipulate or force the outcome they want.
Not to say both of these can't show in both styles. I have engaged in both and I think anyone who feels they are getting less than they need can end up keeping score somehow. Sometimes it can even be healthy and necessary in order to recognize exploitative behavior in others and to keep boundaries with them.
Great post, I can identify with that. Paradoxically, I think--for me--that there is also a thought pattern that goes "the only winning move is not to play" withdraw and refuse to engage in any negotiation or transactional element at all to avoid feeling like you are being "controlled" or "bought".