|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 10, 2018 2:57:38 GMT
She left me 2 days ago (1 year relationship, she was my 1st everything) after I told her that I had all this doubts about the relationship...I think all my doubts come from deactivation, but am not 100% sure...
Anyway, should I just let her go because it's never going to work? She is a beautiful person and I don't want her out of my life, I think...
Did any of you manage to make a relationship with an anxious partner work??
This sucks so much.
Thanks!
|
|
|
|
Post by stavs on Dec 10, 2018 16:21:59 GMT
Yes and no. If you truly love her and she is this amazing, get the help you need to make the relationship work.Try to step out of your comfort zone for her sake, communicate, and be the man she needs. If you cant do that, let her find someone that will be able to provide her what she wants and needs.
|
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 10, 2018 19:10:40 GMT
Yes and no. If you truly love her and she is this amazing, get the help you need to make the relationship work.Try to step out of your comfort zone for her sake, communicate, and be the man she needs. If you cant do that, let her find someone that will be able to provide her what she wants and needs. Thanks for the reply! As I said before I used a lot of deactivation with her and so I have a hard time telling if it's just deactivation or actual incompatibility, but I think that it's pure deactivation since I have experienced some beautiful moments and emotions with her(which I hadn't ever before in 27 years), so it has to be love, but then again doubts start to come... So I am stuck in this horrible place of not knowing what to do, I feel some inclination to let her go for her sake, she is beautiful and she deserves happiness and I might not be able to give her that  . But it's not easy letting her go! |
|
|
|
Post by stavs on Dec 10, 2018 19:19:22 GMT
It's a tough spot to be in. I wish I could wave my hand and make able to come to grips with whatever is feeling inside of you. If you love her, find the strength....battle the voices in your head and shut down the fake news your head tells you about the relationship. You are missing out most likely. I know it's hard for you....if she's that special though....you know what needs to be done  |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2018 19:33:46 GMT
I think these relationships can go on for as long as the partners want, but they will continue to exist with a lot of pain and frustration on both sides because the nature of the problem is that you are wired so fundamentally differently, and each of your needs are each other's most painful triggers
|
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 10, 2018 20:11:55 GMT
Thank you both for the answers!
bloom: Yeah I have been reading a lot about attachment and fear that we will just keep suffering more and more, and I don't want to make her suffer, she deserves better... but it's so hard to let her go.
stavs: No, I don't know unfortunately... I am in a tough spot since I think getting back together could be hurtful for her and I don't want that for her so it's hard, but at the same time it's hard to let her go.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2018 20:18:54 GMT
"I feel some inclination to let her go for her sake"
When I hear statements like this I always think it's not your decision to make or decide what's better for the other person. Communicate with her and let her decide.
If you don't want to hurt her and yourself: change (together). You're in charge of yourself, it's not easy but it can be done.
You'll make her suffer (due to your attachment) only if you won't do anything about it, if you choose to avoid.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 10, 2018 21:05:37 GMT
"I feel some inclination to let her go for her sake" When I hear statements like this I always think it's not your decision to make or decide what's better for the other person. Communicate with her and let her decide. If you don't want to hurt her and yourself: change (together). You're in charge of yourself, it's not easy but it can be done. You'll make her suffer (due to your attachment) only if you won't do anything about it, if you choose to avoid. I second this. Is she aware she's anxious? Being AP made my life a lot more difficult, and when I eventually figured out what was going on you better believe I wanted to change it in order to improve my own life. That positioned me to be a lot more patient with my avoidant ex, but he turned out to not be interested in changing only avoiding. This was precisely what made me suffer, though in context also helped me with my own work on my own healing. How directly have you two communicated about your issues and your sincere willingness to work on them, both together and independently? If you are not both sincerely willing and ready to address your individual traumas, it definitely won't work. If you are, then it might work though no guarantees. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 10, 2018 21:07:35 GMT
Also, changing for another person doesn't work. You both have to be interested in growing and healing for yourselves.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2018 23:22:05 GMT
Also, changing for another person doesn't work. You both have to be interested in growing and healing for yourselves. the peace that is within you when you're going through the healing, no matter how painful, is not going to be there if you're changing for someone else! If you're trying to change for someone else, when you hit a rough spot, oh boy, there's so much resentment/annoyance/reluctance going on. |
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 12, 2018 21:12:31 GMT
Thanks for the answers!
Yes I want to change for myself, I already changed my mindset about relationships, it went from "they are useless, I'm fine on my own" to "they can be good and make me happier".
Regarding my ex: these days I have been more worried with other things that are happening in my life, I don't think about her too much to be honest... I guess it's just how we DA are, so yeah no coming back yet, and I am not sure if I should.. maybe I should look for a secure woman and everything will be better.
Will have to wait and see if I really miss her.
|
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 13, 2018 20:26:12 GMT
I am thinking the following: I'm DA, so it's normal that I don't feel anything right now after the breakup, but that still doesn't mean I don't love her...
So.. what to do? Is it logical as a DA to wait and see if you miss the other person? You probably won't miss because that's the definition of DA... On the other hand I can't ask her to come back because I think that I will miss her eventually..
Not being able to recognize your own emotions is the worst, it's like navigating without a compass...
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 13, 2018 20:41:27 GMT
I am thinking the following: I'm DA, so it's normal that I don't feel anything right now after the breakup, but that still doesn't mean I don't love her... So.. what to do? Is it logical as a DA to wait and see if you miss the other person? You probably won't miss because that's the definition of DA... On the other hand I can't ask her to come back because I think that I will miss her eventually.. Not being able to recognize your own emotions is the worst, it's like navigating without a compass... How aware are you of what your deactivation feels like? I might recommend searching through some old threads, especially from juniper, which describe how deactivation felt to her and how she overcame it (she's DA to earned secure but no longer posts). You also may want to try starting your own thread about deactivation in the DA support thread. Sounds to me like it would be most helpful to focus on yourself right now and sort out how much of your DA issues you're ready to confront before bringing her back into the mix. |
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 18, 2018 16:44:40 GMT
I am thinking the following: I'm DA, so it's normal that I don't feel anything right now after the breakup, but that still doesn't mean I don't love her... So.. what to do? Is it logical as a DA to wait and see if you miss the other person? You probably won't miss because that's the definition of DA... On the other hand I can't ask her to come back because I think that I will miss her eventually.. Not being able to recognize your own emotions is the worst, it's like navigating without a compass... How aware are you of what your deactivation feels like? I might recommend searching through some old threads, especially from juniper, which describe how deactivation felt to her and how she overcame it (she's DA to earned secure but no longer posts). You also may want to try starting your own thread about deactivation in the DA support thread. Sounds to me like it would be most helpful to focus on yourself right now and sort out how much of your DA issues you're ready to confront before bringing her back into the mix. Thanks for the input. I agree that I should focus on myself first.. but that means giving up on the relationship.. which probably is the best option right now, since I can't ask her to come back unless I can give her some security and certainty that I will be commited, but I can't give her that since I have so many doubts.. So it's like a dead end unfortunately.. I miss her but I can't be playing with her, and I am not 100% sure I want to be back with her and commit so yeah, no option but to let it go. Thank you all for the help, I'll be lurking the forum, cya around! |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Dec 20, 2018 0:19:18 GMT
If you’re thinking about yourself not being good enough for her, I suggest you take a second look at your attachment style.
|
|
. But it's not easy letting her go!
