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Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 22, 2018 15:49:47 GMT
Today I was thinking how much I'd like to hug her and kiss her, cuddle, make love, be with her... and at the same time I am also grateful that I got to be alone now and do whatever I want, for example last night I met some friends and we played board games which I like to do, if I was still with her this would have been difficult, I'd have probably declined the offer to meet my friends otherwise it would have been a stressful situation...
So yeah it has ups and downs.
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Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 22, 2018 18:07:44 GMT
I don't know.. maybe I can find somebody else that is nos as AP as her and things work out better for us, I really fear hurting her even more if we come back and I start doubting everything again... I don't want to risk hurting her that much... FYI....Awesome video below with focus on avoidant attachment and also includes AP. Lizzie posted it on the AP forum and I thought it could be helpful for you. It was very eye opening to me. She recommended starting 22 minutes in. youtu.be/-EXMOxzmAm8OMG I just watched it, and it was amazing!! Thanks a lot for sharing that, thanks to Lizzie too. I have watched many Teal Swan videos throughout the years and she never dissapoints, this woman is truly amazing! After having watched the video I think that I am in the same place as the guy, I need to experience freedom and autonomy for the first time in my life, you see I have a narcissist mother, and I cut her out of my life at the exact same moment I started dating my ex(1 year and some months ago), so it's like I never got to experience myself alone, that's a phase that I am missing in my life because I was always in this relationship of codependence where my mother was the center and she always had issues and needed help with them, so I was her puppet and my interests were never considered, and then I got into this relationship with my ex always fearing that I would lose myself in the relationship, that I am going to be absorbed by her... My psychologist also encourages that it's good that I get to experience myself alone now, and to form my identity.. It all makes a lot of sense, I'm a little sad that I don't seem to be ready for my ex because she is an amazing person, also wounded by her childhood but nevertheless an awesome person, but maybe the time isn't right for us now...  Sometimes I miss her It sounds cold saying "sometimes", but for someone like me it's a big deal since I don't usually experience this kind of emotions. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 22, 2018 19:58:01 GMT
FYI....Awesome video below with focus on avoidant attachment and also includes AP. Lizzie posted it on the AP forum and I thought it could be helpful for you. It was very eye opening to me. She recommended starting 22 minutes in. youtu.be/-EXMOxzmAm8OMG I just watched it, and it was amazing!! Thanks a lot for sharing that, thanks to Lizzie too. I have watched many Teal Swan videos throughout the years and she never dissapoints, this woman is truly amazing! After having watched the video I think that I am in the same place as the guy, I need to experience freedom and autonomy for the first time in my life, you see I have a narcissist mother, and I cut her out of my life at the exact same moment I started dating my ex(1 year and some months ago), so it's like I never got to experience myself alone, that's a phase that I am missing in my life because I was always in this relationship of codependence where my mother was the center and she always had issues and needed help with them, so I was her puppet and my interests were never considered, and then I got into this relationship with my ex always fearing that I would lose myself in the relationship, that I am going to be absorbed by her... My psychologist also encourages that it's good that I get to experience myself alone now, and to form my identity.. It all makes a lot of sense, I'm a little sad that I don't seem to be ready for my ex because she is an amazing person, also wounded by her childhood but nevertheless an awesome person, but maybe the time isn't right for us now... Sometimes I miss her It sounds cold saying "sometimes", but for someone like me it's a big deal since I don't usually experience this kind of emotions. Chewbacka- Glad you found the video useful too! I thought it was amazing! So much to take away!! I did think the part of an avoidant having time to be alone and automous for a while comparable to a young person in their 20’s made it sound overly simplified- like an avoidant just needs a few years alone/vacation time to be selfish and then if they choose to be back in a relationship they will be ready. She didn’t address the hard work to earn secure. My ex DA has been alone 7 years since his divorce with the exception of a couple long term girlfriends and he’s still hard core DA. I know you’re doing the work and exploring being alone, so that’s different...I’m speaking of just pulling away and isolating. That’s what my ex does. It would be comparable to an AP clinging to someone for a few years to get over being anxious. And if you miss your girlfriend...maybe there will be a second and better chance for you in the future?! 🙂 |
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Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 22, 2018 20:15:27 GMT
OMG I just watched it, and it was amazing!! Thanks a lot for sharing that, thanks to Lizzie too. I have watched many Teal Swan videos throughout the years and she never dissapoints, this woman is truly amazing! After having watched the video I think that I am in the same place as the guy, I need to experience freedom and autonomy for the first time in my life, you see I have a narcissist mother, and I cut her out of my life at the exact same moment I started dating my ex(1 year and some months ago), so it's like I never got to experience myself alone, that's a phase that I am missing in my life because I was always in this relationship of codependence where my mother was the center and she always had issues and needed help with them, so I was her puppet and my interests were never considered, and then I got into this relationship with my ex always fearing that I would lose myself in the relationship, that I am going to be absorbed by her... My psychologist also encourages that it's good that I get to experience myself alone now, and to form my identity.. It all makes a lot of sense, I'm a little sad that I don't seem to be ready for my ex because she is an amazing person, also wounded by her childhood but nevertheless an awesome person, but maybe the time isn't right for us now... Sometimes I miss her It sounds cold saying "sometimes", but for someone like me it's a big deal since I don't usually experience this kind of emotions. Chewbacka- Glad you found the video useful too! I thought it was amazing! So much to take away!! I did think the part of an avoidant having time to be alone and automous for a while comparable to a young person in their 20’s made it sound overly simplified- like an avoidant just needs a few years alone/vacation time to be selfish and then if they choose to be back in a relationship they will be ready. She didn’t address the hard work to earn secure. My ex DA has been alone 7 years since his divorce with the exception of a couple long term girlfriends and he’s still hard core DA. I know you’re doing the work and exploring being alone, so that’s different...I’m speaking of just pulling away and isolating. That’s what my ex does. It would be comparable to an AP clinging to someone for a few years to get over being anxious. And if you miss your girlfriend...maybe there will be a second and better chance for you in the future?! 🙂 I understand what you mean, also keep in mind that not only romantic relationships affect this issue, as I said before I was alone until I was 26 so I had plenty of time to be myself and do what I wanted, the thing is that I was under the control of my narcissistic mother and lots of my energy were invested in her and all her problems and drama and manipulation, so I wasn't truly alone and "self-invested". I am doing the work indeed, I will buy jeb's book and read, I am going to therapy and fully aware of what is going on and I also want to change it, it looks promising for change, but it's still tough, we will have to see where this journey takes me.. Regarding my ex, it's like I know I should move on, but I am having a hard time doing it, I still have her things on my desk, her shoes near my desk and sometimes when I am not evading reality I miss her... It's a weird mix because at the same time I remember really desiring to be alone when I was with her (sometimes), and wishing to have more space, and now I have it and feel better in that matter, but I miss her. Really weird feeling, it's like I don't know if I want to be with her or not. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 22, 2018 21:46:55 GMT
chewbacka91, you don't have to make any decisions about your ex right now. You don't need to assume you "should" do anything except focus on your healing. You were probably enmeshed with your mom to an extent, and having a caretaker with NPD is a big deal. You spent years and years developing these mechanisms and patterns, and that's why it takes time and effort to change them. What you're feeling is totally normal in your situation. It is normal to miss and care about your ex while recognizing you have challenges you need to overcome on your own before you can be present enough to be a good partner in a relationship. You can love your ex but feel ambivalent and not feel ready, stable, secure. None of those are mutually exclusive. What's important is you're aware and working on it. You don't know what the future holds or how timing will play out, but you do know you need to take time for yourself to heal and grow after finally inserting the distance you need from your mom that will allow you to figure out who you are. That's going to change your perspective a lot, which will be good. You don't know how that will feel, though, or what you will need then, so be patient in focusing on yourself and you'll eventually find out and have more tools and healthier coping mechanisms. You may get some projection comments on this board because the healing insecure's fantasy is that the partner they left behind will see the light, do the work, have a change of heart. But I'd suggest not taking anything to heart right now about how anxious/avoidant/secure your next partner should be because of what I said above. You don't know what you'll need or how you'll feel once you've made some progress, so feel that you miss your ex, feel sad sometimes and relieved at others, accept your feelings and yourself, and keep doing what you're doing. I think you're on the right track 
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 23, 2018 4:50:47 GMT
OMG I just watched it, and it was amazing!! Thanks a lot for sharing that, thanks to Lizzie too. I have watched many Teal Swan videos throughout the years and she never dissapoints, this woman is truly amazing! After having watched the video I think that I am in the same place as the guy, I need to experience freedom and autonomy for the first time in my life, you see I have a narcissist mother, and I cut her out of my life at the exact same moment I started dating my ex(1 year and some months ago), so it's like I never got to experience myself alone, that's a phase that I am missing in my life because I was always in this relationship of codependence where my mother was the center and she always had issues and needed help with them, so I was her puppet and my interests were never considered, and then I got into this relationship with my ex always fearing that I would lose myself in the relationship, that I am going to be absorbed by her... My psychologist also encourages that it's good that I get to experience myself alone now, and to form my identity.. It all makes a lot of sense, I'm a little sad that I don't seem to be ready for my ex because she is an amazing person, also wounded by her childhood but nevertheless an awesome person, but maybe the time isn't right for us now... Sometimes I miss her It sounds cold saying "sometimes", but for someone like me it's a big deal since I don't usually experience this kind of emotions. Chewbacka- Glad you found the video useful too! I thought it was amazing! So much to take away!! I did think the part of an avoidant having time to be alone and automous for a while comparable to a young person in their 20’s made it sound overly simplified- like an avoidant just needs a few years alone/vacation time to be selfish and then if they choose to be back in a relationship they will be ready. She didn’t address the hard work to earn secure. My ex DA has been alone 7 years since his divorce with the exception of a couple long term girlfriends and he’s still hard core DA. I know you’re doing the work and exploring being alone, so that’s different...I’m speaking of just pulling away and isolating. That’s what my ex does. It would be comparable to an AP clinging to someone for a few years to get over being anxious. And if you miss your girlfriend...maybe there will be a second and better chance for you in the future?! 🙂 Sounds like you’re doing great! You broke up for a reason- continue to focus on your growth. It’s normal to miss your ex, but I think you’re doing the right thing by being alone for now. |
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Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 27, 2018 17:09:46 GMT
I'm really considering trying to get back with her... I know I shouldn't but a part of me wants to be back with her, I still remember how shitty it felt but I attribute all that bad feelings to deactivation and our insecure attachment styles clashing, it's like I have faith that we could change or get better, I still haven't figured myself out but I have this fantasy that we could be very communicative and pro-active towards fixing our insecurities and get better...
This is how the dance works right?
There is this other part of me that knows it's not going to work and that it's just how this dance works, it makes you think you could change things but you actually can't.
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Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 27, 2018 18:44:54 GMT
This is really tough, specially since we are coworkers, we had lunch together a couple hours ago and I am really missing her now It's been 3 weeks since we broke up... |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 27, 2018 19:03:51 GMT
This is really tough, specially since we are coworkers, we had lunch together a couple hours ago and I am really missing her now It's been 3 weeks since we broke up... If you want anything to change, you both have to put the work in separately. I went no contact with my ex for 8 months and focused on myself. We did get back together a year and a half later. It went the same exact way -- awesome then really awful -- because he didn't work on his attachment issues even though I did. Now he's dating someone else and staying entrenched in his attachment pattern because he doesn't want to do the work, and I'm moving on and stopped talking to him, and it just sucks all around. You are DA and want to avoid pain. That can also come with all sorts of fantasy and avoidant mechanisms to avoid healing your wounds. Getting back together with her right now is doing just that. Other avoidants maybe can comment better on this idea, but what if you were honest with her, told her you care but your attachment styles are clashing, and ask how she feels about her AP? Maybe you can set a period of no contact that you'll both go to therapy independently (well, you keep going, she starts), then check in a few months down the road about going to couples therapy in addition to that? My concerns here however are if she's AP, she'll do whatever you want to get back together but it won't work if she's trying to change for you and not for herself. And it may lead her on if you start the work then decide it's too hard and you're not ready after all. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 27, 2018 19:06:19 GMT
Also, have you taken any attachment tests? The fantasy you're describing now that you have distance from her sounds rather FA, which can certainly be the product of enmeshment with a narcissist.
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Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 27, 2018 19:52:46 GMT
Also, have you taken any attachment tests? The fantasy you're describing now that you have distance from her sounds rather FA, which can certainly be the product of enmeshment with a narcissist. Fearful avoidant is the same as disorganized attachment right? (Teal mentioned in her video that disorganized is the most difficult one to treat T_T) I was pretty sure I was DA, but now I don't know.. do you have any recommended test? |
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Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 27, 2018 20:06:26 GMT
Could I have changed from DA to FA?
Before being in this romantic relationship(1 year and a little ago) I thought relationships were stupid and a loss of time, and had this fantasy of being alone and independent and being able to handle everything for myself. At this time I was still in contact with my narcissistic mother.
Now after cutting my mother out of my life and having a little taste at "love" with my first ever girlfriend I changed my mindset and know that relationships can be good and that you can actually be happier in a relationship if everything is working fine, so I want a relationship that works, and to love and feel loved, which I didn't before.
So yeah I could be FA after all.. and that sucks because it's supposedly the hardest one to tackle.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 27, 2018 20:26:45 GMT
Could I have changed from DA to FA? Before being in this romantic relationship(1 year and a little ago) I thought relationships were stupid and a loss of time, and had this fantasy of being alone and independent and being able to handle everything for myself. At this time I was still in contact with my narcissistic mother. Now after cutting my mother out of my life and having a little taste at "love" with my first ever girlfriend I changed my mindset and know that relationships can be good and that you can actually be happier in a relationship if everything is working fine, so I want a relationship that works, and to love and feel loved, which I didn't before. So yeah I could be FA after all.. and that sucks because it's supposedly the hardest one to tackle. Yes, disorganized attachment means the same. There's a couple free and accurate assessments you can try to start. Option A here: www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pldianepooleheller.com/attachment-testYou can shift between styles, but if you are FA instead of DA, it's also possible that you weren't experienced enough in relationships to know the full spectrum of how you react. You may also just have FA tendencies with your ex but overall be DA. Even if you are FA, yes, it has more challenges to overcome because you need to work both on your relationship with youself and your ability to trust others and have to solve for a double set of triggers. But it's better to know what you need to tackle, and it's possible to become more secure no matter your starting point. Remember that your attachment style developed kind of as a defense mechanism to allow you to survive your childhood conditions, and now it needs to be updated and reconditioned since you have different adult needs. They're all a lot of work to overcome, so one doesn't need to be more intimidating to face than another. |
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