|
|
Post by faithopelove on Dec 20, 2018 5:07:25 GMT
I am thinking the following: I'm DA, so it's normal that I don't feel anything right now after the breakup, but that still doesn't mean I don't love her... So.. what to do? Is it logical as a DA to wait and see if you miss the other person? You probably won't miss because that's the definition of DA... On the other hand I can't ask her to come back because I think that I will miss her eventually.. Not being able to recognize your own emotions is the worst, it's like navigating without a compass... What caused your deactivation? |
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 20, 2018 19:18:30 GMT
If you’re thinking about yourself not being good enough for her, I suggest you take a second look at your attachment style. I'm 100% positive I'm DA.. I fear not being enough for her in the sense that I may noy be able to love her fully, because I have an emotional armor that "protects" me and doesn't let me really connect with her, I was always 1 feet in and the other out of the relationship.. I care for her, that's why I think she would be better off with somebody else, and maybe I will be better with other not that anxious woman too. |
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 20, 2018 19:35:23 GMT
I am thinking the following: I'm DA, so it's normal that I don't feel anything right now after the breakup, but that still doesn't mean I don't love her... So.. what to do? Is it logical as a DA to wait and see if you miss the other person? You probably won't miss because that's the definition of DA... On the other hand I can't ask her to come back because I think that I will miss her eventually.. Not being able to recognize your own emotions is the worst, it's like navigating without a compass... What caused your deactivation? I don't know.. I had deactivation since I met her and she was like "I have liked you for a long time, I can't believe that you like me too, bla bla", that put a lot of pressure on me, I felt a huge responsibility already.. Ever since then I questioned my feelings for her.. it's like I was there with her for a complete year without really knowing if I liked her or not... I held to some moments of love I felt with her but they were just a few, but still they were new feelings for me, having tears in my eyes just because I was grateful of having her in my life, that happened a couple times, so I held on to that feeling to keep going, otherwise I'd have thought I didn't love her. On the last months it might have been the fact that she was pushy with having a long term compromise, she told me that we should be looking forward to living together sometime soon, and that she wanted to travel the world with me, etc, etc. So I started panicking because I didn't have those projections with her, I was just in the present moment and so I started to question my love for her, well I had been questioning it since the beginning because of the difference in interest and necessity we had. My deactivation techniques: *sleeping far from her in the bed, without contact, because contact made me very anxious/nervous. *exagerating all the things I had to do in order to avoid having her come home. *working extra to avoid her. *faking sleepiness to avoid talking with her. *disengaging from conversations, sometimes had a hard time following what she told me. *having an "ideal relationship" in mind and comparing our relationship with the perfect relationship. *thinking that I am losing opportunities to meet other girls potentially better(for me) than her (reality is that when I was single I wasn't even tying to meet girls). *masturbating too much so I didn't want to have sex as often. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Dec 20, 2018 21:33:52 GMT
If you’re thinking about yourself not being good enough for her, I suggest you take a second look at your attachment style. I'm 100% positive I'm DA.. I fear not being enough for her in the sense that I may noy be able to love her fully, because I have an emotional armor that "protects" me and doesn't let me really connect with her, I was always 1 feet in and the other out of the relationship.. I care for her, that's why I think she would be better off with somebody else, and maybe I will be better with other not that anxious woman too. I hear you on that, my ex is an extreme DA- he said he never opened his heart up before to anyone else, spoke of defense mechanisms that I didn’t see until he broke up with me 12 months ago. He has stated a few times that I too should move on. Like you, I know he’s saying this in a way to release me to find someone who can better meet my needs. Problem is- I don’t want anyone else. I don’t know if you feel the same, but in a rare moment of opening up since the break, he said he has a hard time trusting and feels incapable of being in a relationship. He deactivated after a handful of conflicts- I felt him slipping away as he pulled away and then broke up with me and shut down. It’s like he became a different person. A month after our break we started seeing each other but he only feels comfortable being physical with me. When I told him last week that I didn’t want to be only physical, he said that’s not how he thinks of me...but he didn’t say how he does think of me and then went silent. Communication is so difficult. I don’t know if he’ll ever believe in us again. He’s not comfortable expressing his needs or even having an expectation of his needs being met. I feel like he has no idea how much he’s loved and been loved since he was born. He just shuts down and denies himself. I don’t know how a DA like my ex or you would ever feel safe in a relationship, but if you think you love her- explore it further and don’t walk away so easily. Your problems follow you everywhere you go- the next girl will bring out the same issues bc this is internal work. Maybe this girl will be the catalyst to open your eyes and bring you to deep reflection and soul searching. Even now, I can’t be mad at my ex bc I know he was always genuine with me. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Dec 20, 2018 22:00:33 GMT
What caused your deactivation? I don't know.. I had deactivation since I met her and she was like "I have liked you for a long time, I can't believe that you like me too, bla bla", that put a lot of pressure on me, I felt a huge responsibility already.. Ever since then I questioned my feelings for her.. it's like I was there with her for a complete year without really knowing if I liked her or not... I held to some moments of love I felt with her but they were just a few, but still they were new feelings for me, having tears in my eyes just because I was grateful of having her in my life, that happened a couple times, so I held on to that feeling to keep going, otherwise I'd have thought I didn't love her. On the last months it might have been the fact that she was pushy with having a long term compromise, she told me that we should be looking forward to living together sometime soon, and that she wanted to travel the world with me, etc, etc. So I started panicking because I didn't have those projections with her, I was just in the present moment and so I started to question my love for her, well I had been questioning it since the beginning because of the difference in interest and necessity we had. My deactivation techniques: *sleeping far from her in the bed, without contact, because contact made me very anxious/nervous. *exagerating all the things I had to do in order to avoid having her come home. *working extra to avoid her. *faking sleepiness to avoid talking with her. *disengaging from conversations, sometimes had a hard time following what she told me. *having an "ideal relationship" in mind and comparing our relationship with the perfect relationship. *thinking that I am losing opportunities to meet other girls potentially better(for me) than her (reality is that when I was single I wasn't even tying to meet girls). *masturbating too much so I didn't want to have sex as often. I’m a little surprised you’re still considering the relationship but glad that you are...DA’s seem to not readily give second chances. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 21, 2018 0:42:44 GMT
chewbacka91, if your direct concerns with and fantasies about a perfect relationship are patterns that have been present since before you met your ex, they'll continue on and on unless you decide to do the work to change it. It is *enormous* that you recognize this is probably your pattern and not necessarily on her, and that openness really does position you to start to heal your attachment if you choose to. I will keep advocating to let the relationship go while you figure yourself out because an activated AP will cling to any hope, and that will hurt her. If the timing is ever right to try again, you will know. I know it can be a tough thing to get started on, but have you looked into therapy at all? If you're aware, which it seems like you are, and ready to look into your issues to see if you can improve your life, a therapist who is experienced with avoidant attachment may be able to help you heal and learn to be more securely attached. It's a difficult and, at times, scary and uncomfortable thing to do (insecure attachment style tends to be a defensive response to primal childhood wounding), and it can take a while, but it can also help you connect to both yourself and others and stop your deactivations (otherwise known as, your nervous system getting overwhelmed and shutting down). That will end up helping your relationship with yourself, and with others no matter if they are anxious or not. If the therapy route isn't for you at this time, everyone will still be happy to have you lurking around the boards. There's not too many male DA voices here.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Dec 21, 2018 15:33:18 GMT
If you’re thinking about yourself not being good enough for her, I suggest you take a second look at your attachment style. I'm 100% positive I'm DA.. I fear not being enough for her in the sense that I may noy be able to love her fully, because I have an emotional armor that "protects" me and doesn't let me really connect with her, I was always 1 feet in and the other out of the relationship.. I care for her, that's why I think she would be better off with somebody else, and maybe I will be better with other not that anxious woman too. Seriously..... if you haven’t already, buy Jeb’s book and read it. |
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 21, 2018 17:19:33 GMT
chewbacka91 , if your direct concerns with and fantasies about a perfect relationship are patterns that have been present since before you met your ex, they'll continue on and on unless you decide to do the work to change it. It is *enormous* that you recognize this is probably your pattern and not necessarily on her, and that openness really does position you to start to heal your attachment if you choose to. I will keep advocating to let the relationship go while you figure yourself out because an activated AP will cling to any hope, and that will hurt her. If the timing is ever right to try again, you will know. I know it can be a tough thing to get started on, but have you looked into therapy at all? If you're aware, which it seems like you are, and ready to look into your issues to see if you can improve your life, a therapist who is experienced with avoidant attachment may be able to help you heal and learn to be more securely attached. It's a difficult and, at times, scary and uncomfortable thing to do (insecure attachment style tends to be a defensive response to primal childhood wounding), and it can take a while, but it can also help you connect to both yourself and others and stop your deactivations (otherwise known as, your nervous system getting overwhelmed and shutting down). That will end up helping your relationship with yourself, and with others no matter if they are anxious or not. If the therapy route isn't for you at this time, everyone will still be happy to have you lurking around the boards. There's not too many male DA voices here. Yeah I know that asking her to come back is very dangerous since I could start deactivating again and getting more and more doubts and hurt her even more, which I don't want to, I want the best for her, she is a beautiful person and deserves love. I have been going to a psychologist for 1 year now (since I started dating my ex) and I have talked a lot about the relationship with my therapist, we are working on it, however she isn't an expert in Attachment theories, she is a gestalt psychologist. Thanks for the help! I'll keep posting |
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 21, 2018 17:22:31 GMT
I don't know.. I had deactivation since I met her and she was like "I have liked you for a long time, I can't believe that you like me too, bla bla", that put a lot of pressure on me, I felt a huge responsibility already.. Ever since then I questioned my feelings for her.. it's like I was there with her for a complete year without really knowing if I liked her or not... I held to some moments of love I felt with her but they were just a few, but still they were new feelings for me, having tears in my eyes just because I was grateful of having her in my life, that happened a couple times, so I held on to that feeling to keep going, otherwise I'd have thought I didn't love her. On the last months it might have been the fact that she was pushy with having a long term compromise, she told me that we should be looking forward to living together sometime soon, and that she wanted to travel the world with me, etc, etc. So I started panicking because I didn't have those projections with her, I was just in the present moment and so I started to question my love for her, well I had been questioning it since the beginning because of the difference in interest and necessity we had. My deactivation techniques: *sleeping far from her in the bed, without contact, because contact made me very anxious/nervous. *exagerating all the things I had to do in order to avoid having her come home. *working extra to avoid her. *faking sleepiness to avoid talking with her. *disengaging from conversations, sometimes had a hard time following what she told me. *having an "ideal relationship" in mind and comparing our relationship with the perfect relationship. *thinking that I am losing opportunities to meet other girls potentially better(for me) than her (reality is that when I was single I wasn't even tying to meet girls). *masturbating too much so I didn't want to have sex as often. I’m a little surprised you’re still considering the relationship but glad that you are...DA’s seem to not readily give second chances. I don't know.. maybe I can find somebody else that is nos as AP as her and things work out better for us, I really fear hurting her even more if we come back and I start doubting everything again... I don't want to risk hurting her that much... |
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 21, 2018 17:23:17 GMT
I'm 100% positive I'm DA.. I fear not being enough for her in the sense that I may noy be able to love her fully, because I have an emotional armor that "protects" me and doesn't let me really connect with her, I was always 1 feet in and the other out of the relationship.. I care for her, that's why I think she would be better off with somebody else, and maybe I will be better with other not that anxious woman too. Seriously..... if you haven’t already, buy Jeb’s book and read it. I will. |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Dec 21, 2018 17:51:26 GMT
What you do is up to you.
As an earned secure DA, I can wholeheartedly recommend working on your own attachment issues.
My story is in the DA support forum if it helps.
That said, even today, my own choice would be a secure or fellow DA man.
I can be a better girlfriend for a man who is less needy and also prefer to have a less stressful life.
AP/DA also has an extremely high risk of partner abuse, which is not a risk I am willing to take.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Dec 21, 2018 18:37:14 GMT
I’m a little surprised you’re still considering the relationship but glad that you are...DA’s seem to not readily give second chances. I don't know.. maybe I can find somebody else that is nos as AP as her and things work out better for us, I really fear hurting her even more if we come back and I start doubting everything again... I don't want to risk hurting her that much... Have you been in other long term relationships? |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Dec 22, 2018 8:58:46 GMT
I’m a little surprised you’re still considering the relationship but glad that you are...DA’s seem to not readily give second chances. I don't know.. maybe I can find somebody else that is nos as AP as her and things work out better for us, I really fear hurting her even more if we come back and I start doubting everything again... I don't want to risk hurting her that much... FYI....Awesome video below with focus on avoidant attachment and also includes AP. Lizzie posted it on the AP forum and I thought it could be helpful for you. It was very eye opening to me. She recommended starting 22 minutes in. youtu.be/-EXMOxzmAm8 |
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 22, 2018 15:44:29 GMT
What you do is up to you. As an earned secure DA, I can wholeheartedly recommend working on your own attachment issues. My story is in the DA support forum if it helps. That said, even today, my own choice would be a secure or fellow DA man. I can be a better girlfriend for a man who is less needy and also prefer to have a less stressful life. AP/DA also has an extremely high risk of partner abuse, which is not a risk I am willing to take. Thanks I'll check it out |
|
|
|
Post by chewbacka91 on Dec 22, 2018 15:46:12 GMT
I don't know.. maybe I can find somebody else that is nos as AP as her and things work out better for us, I really fear hurting her even more if we come back and I start doubting everything again... I don't want to risk hurting her that much... FYI....Awesome video below with focus on avoidant attachment and also includes AP. Lizzie posted it on the AP forum and I thought it could be helpful for you. It was very eye opening to me. She recommended starting 22 minutes in. youtu.be/-EXMOxzmAm8Nice I was searching for a Teal Swan video on this issue and couldn't find any, I'm glad she uploaded one these days, amazing! Thanks for sharing. PD: No, this was my first ever girlfriend at 26 years old, and also lost my virginity to her, I was completely closed and didn't want to be with anybody before her. |
|
