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Post by alexandra on Dec 13, 2018 19:13:33 GMT
It is fine if you are sad and obsessed right now. You had a real connection because you are a loving caring person. Part of the draw of my DA was I was moved by his lonely life and his regret at not getting married, having kids etc. That was compassion and while I know it was not my job to fix or rescue, I felt it because I am a empathetic person. I wanted to add to this part, hearing about that sort of regret and loneliness tends to melt the heart of APs. But unless something pretty unlucky and dire happened (such as being widowed), the older avoidants who never got married and are lonely now chose that path. It didn't happen to them. Their issues happened to them to cause them to be DA/FA, which isn't their fault, but they made the choice to keep avoiding those issues as an adult instead of addressing them. Now they regret it, but if they ever wanted to really do something about it, they'd take ownership and action and not just put their baggage on you and take your sympathy/attention for it. It's okay to feel sad for them, and I have done this plenty. It's okay to feel however you feel now that it didn't work out. But it's important, especially as an AP, to draw a boundary for yourself in regards to letting compassion drive you into what's very likely to be your own pre-conditioned pattern of fixing. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 13, 2018 19:16:05 GMT
Did we ever figure out if avoidants miss people? If they were deeply attached, they miss people. But that doesn't mean they can handle being around them. They have feelings, but, no matter who the partner is, when their nervous system gets overwhelmed from intimacy, closeness, engulfment, it shuts down in protection and feels terrible (whether they're consciously aware of it or not). You should search some of juniper's old threads about what deactivation feels like if you're interested in learning more. |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 13, 2018 19:45:18 GMT
It is fine if you are sad and obsessed right now. You had a real connection because you are a loving caring person. Part of the draw of my DA was I was moved by his lonely life and his regret at not getting married, having kids etc. That was compassion and while I know it was not my job to fix or rescue, I felt it because I am a empathetic person. I wanted to add to this part, hearing about that sort of regret and loneliness tends to melt the heart of APs. But unless something pretty unlucky and dire happened (such as being widowed), the older avoidants who never got married and are lonely now chose that path. It didn't happen to them. Their issues happened to them to cause them to be DA/FA, which isn't their fault, but they made the choice to keep avoiding those issues as an adult instead of addressing them. Now they regret it, but if they ever wanted to really do something about it, they'd take ownership and action and not just put their baggage on you and take your sympathy/attention for it. It's okay to feel sad for them, and I have done this plenty. It's okay to feel however you feel now that it didn't work out. But it's important, especially as an AP, to draw a boundary for yourself in regards to letting compassion drive you into what's very likely to be your own pre-conditioned pattern of fixing. This is such a great point! My DA talked a lot about his social anxiety, how he would sit alone on winter weekends and look out the window at the snow. He said this was because he had been shattered by a long term relationship in which his partner moved out one day without telling him, leaving him the cats. DECADES ago. I thought that his unburdening to me was the sign we had a real connection if he could share this. But I can see it as way to get sympathy and attention for sure. It "worked" for him in a weird way. That said, I think he truly believes this narrative about himself, and does seem to suffer. I definitely have my AP moments and this relationship sure brought it out in me. But at the same time, I think my reaction here was not just AP swooping in to save wounded sparrow. I think compassion and empathy play a role too when you hear another's suffering, even if they are not blameless. So I think we can feel good for feeling them. It would be hard to hear all that and shrug. But yes!!! Boundaries!!!!! You can't fix them with love, patience, coddling--trying to do so just repels them it seems. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 13, 2018 23:02:51 GMT
sissyk I was reading your thread last night and I related to a lot of parts.. this guy also told me he was "bad at relationships" from the start but there was a period when he was really trying. The most vulnerable this guy ever got with me was in late September when he wrote something like: "When we were just friends I think I felt safer because I didn't have to worry about you not liking me and it felt more like we were equals. But obviously I have stronger feelings for you than just friends. I want to be able to give you what you need emotionally because so much about us being together makes sense to me. I want to be someone you turn to in times for support and be someone that you feel safe with." After THAT, things slowly unraveled. He distanced, I had to reach out a couple times in times of not talking, he said it made more sense for him to be alone because he didn't want to feel like he was hurting people. I asked if he was happier alone and he said probably not but that he didn't feel like he was hurting anyone. He also said he was depressed, needed to "learn how to be a partner" (but he stopped going to his therapist, so, obviously didn't care that much), stopped bothering inviting me around his friends altogether, took back his offer to see a therapist with me, etc etc. I'm really trying to investigate my part in this- like I wrote above I did think maybe it was because I am emotionally unavailable which I feel emotionally numb towards other people right now as I still have major feelings for this guy.., but actually we did have such a great connection humor wise and just in general that was really rare for me (he commented on it also) and I feel like he is a really "high-quality" person also in a lot of ways. Then today I was reading about how your guy wouldnt have sex.. this guy was like that at the beginning for a few months. it took maybe 6 weeks to even kiss each other. then there was maybe a 3 month period that was pretty solid sex-wise, then he just stopped being able to. when i questioned him about it, he said "it turns out, i can only either be sensitive/open, or sexual, but not both at the same time, and obviously this is a huge problem as i have let you in and now i can't be physical...." BTW, it happened with his ex also. i would imagine that if he was older, (were 31) he would probably have shut off entirely. if i ever get over this, i need to at least be friends with him, to see what happens. faithopelove --- so strange what is with all these people using the term "weird place". he said that all the time. or "dark place" sometimes. does your guy have a job/leave the house/have a social life? with D there were a couple times when he came over when he wanted sex and he was still into me at that point, but afterwards he had to leave, and it kinda brings back how he said he can either be sexual or emotionally intimate, i don't even think he felt comfortable viewing me both ways. so had to flee after. i read some thing about "madonna and the whore syndrome" with avoidants and also narcissists, coming down to either you are the madonna or the "whore", but the madonna is their mother figure, and after awhile when you cross into that role it feels almost incestual to them and they cant be sexual anymore, unless you cross back and they deactivate from the connection. who knows if this applies to any of these cases. i am very curious about the fact that my guy hasnt gotten back on dating apps. that was the only place he met women. but also, he told me he distrusts women, so he probably is comfortable just not having any in his life right now. enough time has gone by NC (3 weeks) that i could reach out, i would just need to think long and hard about how to word this. i also had the insane idea to mail him a package ("accidentally") from Amazon that he would need to contact me about because this used to happen all the time since i used to get stuff mailed there and when i would order things on my phone it sometimes auto-sent there. and just see if he contacts me. hahaha. he probably wouldnt even know what to do. he told me he never reaches out after a breakup even if he greatly misses the person bc he cant deal w the vulnerability and that his entire life was a "fear and shame spiral". yet, he has this high powered job at an ad firm. anyway........... oh, did i mention he still shares his location with me on iphone? i almost wish i didnt have it. i thought about accidentally "running into" him, but he doesnt really go anywhere but work and home, so its almost worthless lol. sorry thats so long. hope you guys were in the mood for a book! Hey kibbins, you read my whole novel so I am happy to read your book!  Here is what helped me....Forget about his rules, his psyche, the tea leaves of his latest text. Pull the camera back. What do you want here? What are you willing to accept and not accept? I think we tend to play defense with these DA/FA types...rather than going on offense. (I hear DAs groaning at my phrasing but you get what I mean) After mulling and mulling, I decided I WOULD be happy with being just friends forever. This would preserve the good stuff in our connection but acknowledge the fact that being in a real relationship with him would be in some ways agony as he is so bad at communicating and very closed off in certain ways--and I'm not sure he even wants to ever be that close to anyone or me in particular. I also want a relationship partner to be THRILLED to be with me even when things get a little messy and he is too self protecting to show his hand like that or feel it. Maybe write an email that is 100 percent direct but don't send it for a while. Put your name in the To line so you are not tempted and make the subject line for now DO NOT SEND. What did you value about him and your time together? In a very gentle but direct way what didn't work? Is there an honest and desirable win win in the future like being friends IF YOU WANT THAT that you both might value? Just be straight but kindly. In a few weeks or whenever you feel you can do fine without him, you could consider sending. I sent a direct text along these lines and as you read, didn't hear and didn't hear. He eventually texted saying we should get together in the New Year. We will see if he follows through. It was worth the risk as I felt I was being direct and true to myself. If he fled that was good evidence. I cried and cried when he didn't respond for a week. I kept playing Frank Sinatra's My Way to make me feel better about what I had done. It is fine if you are sad and obsessed right now. You had a real connection because you are a loving caring person. Part of the draw of my DA was I was moved by his lonely life and his regret at not getting married, having kids etc. That was compassion and while I know it was not my job to fix or rescue, I felt it because I am a empathetic person. I claim that as a good quality as you should. Feel the sad feelings and they pass and have less power--don't worry if you should or shouldn't be on a timetable. It is a gift we have a wide range of emotions and can feel deeply. Also--frankly--I am an aged crone (in my 50s) with almost grown kids from a first marriage. If you are in your 30s, do you want a life partner for the next few decades? To share a mortgage and have kids with and go to funerals of loved ones? You may want to look for a life partner who is sturdier to handle the big stuff ahead. Sissyk- sounds like you’re being smart. I find it interesting that you cried for a week due to his ghosting. I guess I’m all cried out. Last two times he hasn’t responded, I felt sad but more than that, I started to feel shut down. This is so much not like me as an AP who used to feel anxious if he didn’t respond in 5 minutes. I’m learning to be more secure but I don’t want to get so good at lowering my anxiety that I accept his unacceptable behavior. I’m thinking it’s either a bad sign that I’m shutting down like him...or maybe I’m so tired of his ghosting and emotional unavailability and unwillingness to communicate that it makes me not desire him anymore. I want the person he was before- the one he presented, not this guy who will only acknowledge me when it works for him. When I stood up for myself and texted my stand last week, I told him that I didn’t want to be just physical, and he said that wasn’t how he thought of me, but he also didn’t say how he thought of me. Ghosted ever since. It’s a lonely road with an avoidant and I’m thinking of releasing and moving on. And those tears don’t even come anymore... |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 13, 2018 23:50:47 GMT
Hey kibbins, you read my whole novel so I am happy to read your book! Here is what helped me....Forget about his rules, his psyche, the tea leaves of his latest text. Pull the camera back. What do you want here? What are you willing to accept and not accept? I think we tend to play defense with these DA/FA types...rather than going on offense. (I hear DAs groaning at my phrasing but you get what I mean) After mulling and mulling, I decided I WOULD be happy with being just friends forever. This would preserve the good stuff in our connection but acknowledge the fact that being in a real relationship with him would be in some ways agony as he is so bad at communicating and very closed off in certain ways--and I'm not sure he even wants to ever be that close to anyone or me in particular. I also want a relationship partner to be THRILLED to be with me even when things get a little messy and he is too self protecting to show his hand like that or feel it.
Maybe write an email that is 100 percent direct but don't send it for a while. Put your name in the To line so you are not tempted and make the subject line for now DO NOT SEND. What did you value about him and your time together? In a very gentle but direct way what didn't work? Is there an honest and desirable win win in the future like being friends IF YOU WANT THAT that you both might value? Just be straight but kindly. In a few weeks or whenever you feel you can do fine without him, you could consider sending.
I sent a direct text along these lines and as you read, didn't hear and didn't hear. He eventually texted saying we should get together in the New Year. We will see if he follows through. It was worth the risk as I felt I was being direct and true to myself. If he fled that was good evidence. I cried and cried when he didn't respond for a week. I kept playing Frank Sinatra's My Way to make me feel better about what I had done.
It is fine if you are sad and obsessed right now. You had a real connection because you are a loving caring person. Part of the draw of my DA was I was moved by his lonely life and his regret at not getting married, having kids etc. That was compassion and while I know it was not my job to fix or rescue, I felt it because I am a empathetic person. I claim that as a good quality as you should. Feel the sad feelings and they pass and have less power--don't worry if you should or shouldn't be on a timetable. It is a gift we have a wide range of emotions and can feel deeply. Also--frankly--I am an aged crone (in my 50s) with almost grown kids from a first marriage. If you are in your 30s, do you want a life partner for the next few decades? To share a mortgage and have kids with and go to funerals of loved ones? You may want to look for a life partner who is sturdier to handle the big stuff ahead. Sissyk- sounds like you’re being smart. I find it interesting that you cried for a week due to his ghosting. I guess I’m all cried out. Last two times he hasn’t responded, I felt sad but more than that, I started to feel shut down. This is so much not like me as an AP who used to feel anxious if he didn’t respond in 5 minutes. I’m learning to be more secure but I don’t want to get so good at lowering my anxiety that I accept his unacceptable behavior. I’m thinking it’s either a bad sign that I’m shutting down like him...or maybe I’m so tired of his ghosting and emotional unavailability and unwillingness to communicate that it makes me not desire him anymore. I want the person he was before- the one he presented, not this guy who will only acknowledge me when it works for him. When I stood up for myself and texted my stand last week, I told him that I didn’t want to be just physical, and he said that wasn’t how he thought of me, but he also didn’t say how he thought of me. Ghosted ever since. It’s a lonely road with an avoidant and I’m thinking of releasing and moving on. And those tears don’t even come anymore... I was weeping away because I thought he was going to end our 7 month "relationship" with the blunt instrument of silence. It was grief. The gist of my last text to him had been-- I get that I made you uncomfortable with my candor. I am happy to be just friends. That's a referendum on what this all added up to and I was totally totally putting myself out there. So if his "answer" was Hmmmmmm you are not even deserving of a goodbye text--that is pretty brutal. Be done! I get that! But be direct, please .
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 14, 2018 0:30:55 GMT
Sissyk- sounds like you’re being smart. I find it interesting that you cried for a week due to his ghosting. I guess I’m all cried out. Last two times he hasn’t responded, I felt sad but more than that, I started to feel shut down. This is so much not like me as an AP who used to feel anxious if he didn’t respond in 5 minutes. I’m learning to be more secure but I don’t want to get so good at lowering my anxiety that I accept his unacceptable behavior. I’m thinking it’s either a bad sign that I’m shutting down like him...or maybe I’m so tired of his ghosting and emotional unavailability and unwillingness to communicate that it makes me not desire him anymore. I want the person he was before- the one he presented, not this guy who will only acknowledge me when it works for him. When I stood up for myself and texted my stand last week, I told him that I didn’t want to be just physical, and he said that wasn’t how he thought of me, but he also didn’t say how he thought of me. Ghosted ever since. It’s a lonely road with an avoidant and I’m thinking of releasing and moving on. And those tears don’t even come anymore... I was weeping away because I thought he was going to end our 7 month "relationship" with the blunt instrument of silence. It was grief. The gist of my last text to him had been-- I get that I made you uncomfortable with my candor. I am happy to be just friends. That's a referendum on what this all added up to and I was totally totally putting myself out there. So if his "answer" was Hmmmmmm you are not even deserving of a goodbye text--that is pretty brutal. Be done! I get that! But be direct, please .
I understand- being in a relationship with someone who won’t communicate is lonely. I took my stand that if I’m not just physical to him than he should prove it! He didn’t respond. I found whenever I speak up and voice my needs he shuts down. Too much for him to be bothered. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 14, 2018 0:57:33 GMT
sissyk LOL at "the tea leaves of his latest text." Yeah, we have to be careful not to try to read into those too much...
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Post by alexandra on Dec 14, 2018 1:06:41 GMT
I was weeping away because I thought he was going to end our 7 month "relationship" with the blunt instrument of silence. It was grief. The gist of my last text to him had been-- I get that I made you uncomfortable with my candor. I am happy to be just friends. That's a referendum on what this all added up to and I was totally totally putting myself out there. So if his "answer" was Hmmmmmm you are not even deserving of a goodbye text--that is pretty brutal. Be done! I get that! But be direct, please .
I understand- being in a relationship with someone who won’t communicate is lonely. I took my stand that if I’m not just physical to him than he should prove it! He didn’t respond. I found whenever I speak up and voice my needs he shuts down. Too much for him to be bothered. Try to depersonalize this. No response doesn't mean not being deserving of a response. It doesn't mean the other person can't be bothered. It does mean they can't meet your needs and are likely bad communicators. But, as anne12 has posted before, the fight/flight/freeze response is a real thing. Let me give two examples. I had a thing with an extremely DA man that I had to continue seeing regularly after it didn't work out. He took to completely ignoring me and pretending I wasn't there. This was very painful / triggering to me, so after a couple months of it, I texted directly that there was no reason for us not to be cordial if we had to continue being in the same place, and I'd appreciate it if we tried. He'd told me he had a history of ghosting, and I knew he only hadn't with me and actually ended things cleanly because he'd eventually have to see me again. He did not respond to this message at all. About a week and a half later, I ended up alone in an elevator with him. He tensed up, preparing for some imagined assault, and I said, I'd really like to talk to you. And proceeded to talk about a problem I was having totally unrelated to us that we used to discuss as friends. By the time we reached the lobby, he was totally relaxed, relieved, and invited me to catch up with him again in person. As an afterthought, he brought up my text: "I meant to respond to you, but was an @$$hole instead." ... nothing to do with me, it was his own issues and fear! We did make time to meet up once every month or two for a long while after that and naturally fell out of touch when we no longer had commitments that put us in the same location. My other example is my FA ex would give me the silent treatment in times of extreme triggering. I got really upset the last time he did that because I directly stated it made me feel bad and why. He later told me, he needed space and didn't want to keep hurting me so thought it was better to not respond at all for a month. What I've realized since then is he needs space because, sometimes instead of processing things, he actually disassociates. Not just about me, either, I've seen it happen about other things and not understood it was what was going on. I'm not sure he has any idea that he does it. But, it's not about me one bit, it's a maladaptive coping mechanism he picked up at some point that I cannot help him with, and causes distance between us so he can't meet my needs. I'm giving you these examples as a reminder that the AP thought loops make the lack of communication more painful than it has to be. All insecures have feelings, and issues, and it's hard for everyone. Stay focused on your side of the issues and the practice breaking negative thought patterns, retelling the narrative to not be full of self-blame, will make conflicts less personal and so less painful  |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 14, 2018 1:37:59 GMT
Alexandra....thank you so so much. So helpful to see it in that way. This is a new land for me and you provide a field guide.
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 14, 2018 5:03:56 GMT
I understand- being in a relationship with someone who won’t communicate is lonely. I took my stand that if I’m not just physical to him than he should prove it! He didn’t respond. I found whenever I speak up and voice my needs he shuts down. Too much for him to be bothered. Try to depersonalize this. No response doesn't mean not being deserving of a response. It doesn't mean the other person can't be bothered. It does mean they can't meet your needs and are likely bad communicators. But, as anne12 has posted before, the fight/flight/freeze response is a real thing. Let me give two examples. I had a thing with an extremely DA man that I had to continue seeing regularly after it didn't work out. He took to completely ignoring me and pretending I wasn't there. This was very painful / triggering to me, so after a couple months of it, I texted directly that there was no reason for us not to be cordial if we had to continue being in the same place, and I'd appreciate it if we tried. He'd told me he had a history of ghosting, and I knew he only hadn't with me and actually ended things cleanly because he'd eventually have to see me again. He did not respond to this message at all. About a week and a half later, I ended up alone in an elevator with him. He tensed up, preparing for some imagined assault, and I said, I'd really like to talk to you. And proceeded to talk about a problem I was having totally unrelated to us that we used to discuss as friends. By the time we reached the lobby, he was totally relaxed, relieved, and invited me to catch up with him again in person. As an afterthought, he brought up my text: "I meant to respond to you, but was an @$$hole instead." ... nothing to do with me, it was his own issues and fear! We did make time to meet up once every month or two for a long while after that and naturally fell out of touch when we no longer had commitments that put us in the same location. My other example is my FA ex would give me the silent treatment in times of extreme triggering. I got really upset the last time he did that because I directly stated it made me feel bad and why. He later told me, he needed space and didn't want to keep hurting me so thought it was better to not respond at all for a month. What I've realized since then is he needs space because, sometimes instead of processing things, he actually disassociates. Not just about me, either, I've seen it happen about other things and not understood it was what was going on. I'm not sure he has any idea that he does it. But, it's not about me one bit, it's a maladaptive coping mechanism he picked up at some point that I cannot help him with, and causes distance between us so he can't meet my needs. I'm giving you these examples as a reminder that the AP thought loops make the lack of communication more painful than it has to be. All insecures have feelings, and issues, and it's hard for everyone. Stay focused on your side of the issues and the practice breaking negative thought patterns, retelling the narrative to not be full of self-blame, will make conflicts less personal and so less painful Thanks, Alexandra....Yes, I understand the shutting down isn’t personal. That’s why I’ve hung in this past year. He’s actually opened up some recently and admitted that he sometimes just shuts down and he told me that he’s not ok- there’s something wrong with him and he doesn’t know what is is....as much as I know these things and he knows these things, it doesn’t help because he refuses to seek treatment. It feels extremely lonely to be on the receiving end of a depressed DA. I want someone who is willing to step up. I don’t know if he ever will be willing again. |
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Post by kibbins on Jan 3, 2019 7:26:20 GMT
Update. So, we did not talk for 5 weeks. It really did help me and i felt moved on, not totally, but wasn't obsessing over it like I was and felt I had gained a lot of clarity, was talking to other guys I was excited about, etc.
So. His ex has been dating a guy who pursued me for 3 years- this was a big inside joke between us and we would make jokes about when they would become engaged. Last Thursday or so, I saw her fiance post her ring on instagram, I immediately had to screencap to DA ex. He responded immediately, we started talking back and forth continuously. Later in convo I did tell him a lot of things he did that hurt me. He told me about his Xmas, he was utterly alone and in a deep depression, etc. He said he didn't reach out to me because he "felt I was done with him and didn't want to bother me.." eyeroll.
He kept pushing to hang out. the very next day. To see a movie or go furniture shopping. We went shopping. Then we went and got a couple drinks. We went back to his apt and immediately had sex. It was good. I was tired, and fell asleep in his bed. Suddenly, he was frantically waking me up bc my phone was going off with some dating app notifications and guy texting me, he said he "didn't feel good about what we had done and needed to take me home". I told him I hadn't slept with anyone since him and he started calming down, but for a minute there it seemed like he was having a panic attack. He calmed down eventually and we hung out on his couch. He did say something at one point that I'm a "trigger for him" because when he is alone he doesn't need to feel emotions. Shockingly he not only didn't suggest I leave but asked me to stay over and said he liked having me there. Things felt a little different between us, more comfortable. He told me he didn't tell anyone else about his sad Xmas or his deep depression, not even his therapist, because he only tells me these things..
I spent New Years Eve with friends. His dad was coming to town the next day. We met up that night and spent the night together then had breakfast before he went to work. Again things felt more normal. One thing in text he said to me was "I like having sex. Just with you. Not other people." Then later said I was one of the few things in his life that make him happy. After he said that I tried to have a serious talk and say I didn't want things to be like how they were before and that I needed to know he was going to work on those things or I didn't want to go down the road of being with him again. He went back to his old saying of saying "I don't want u to do things that make u feel bad" (I hate this statement). He said said he "had no intention of treating me poorly" (eyeroll).. that he has too many problems right now to jump into something serious (I didn't even say anything about something serious)-- to which I said you need to talk to your therapist about your depression and not just me, I wouldn't want to be with someone who put all of that on my shoulders. He said "We're on the same page". Then, he changed the subject.
I'm not feeling good about the outcome of that convo and am pretty annoyed.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 3, 2019 23:01:06 GMT
Update. So, we did not talk for 5 weeks. It really did help me and i felt moved on, not totally, but wasn't obsessing over it like I was and felt I had gained a lot of clarity, was talking to other guys I was excited about, etc. So. His ex has been dating a guy who pursued me for 3 years- this was a big inside joke between us and we would make jokes about when they would become engaged. Last Thursday or so, I saw her fiance post her ring on instagram, I immediately had to screencap to DA ex. He responded immediately, we started talking back and forth continuously. Later in convo I did tell him a lot of things he did that hurt me. He told me about his Xmas, he was utterly alone and in a deep depression, etc. He said he didn't reach out to me because he "felt I was done with him and didn't want to bother me.." eyeroll. He kept pushing to hang out. the very next day. To see a movie or go furniture shopping. We went shopping. Then we went and got a couple drinks. We went back to his apt and immediately had sex. It was good. I was tired, and fell asleep in his bed. Suddenly, he was frantically waking me up bc my phone was going off with some dating app notifications and guy texting me, he said he "didn't feel good about what we had done and needed to take me home". I told him I hadn't slept with anyone since him and he started calming down, but for a minute there it seemed like he was having a panic attack. He calmed down eventually and we hung out on his couch. He did say something at one point that I'm a "trigger for him" because when he is alone he doesn't need to feel emotions. Shockingly he not only didn't suggest I leave but asked me to stay over and said he liked having me there. Things felt a little different between us, more comfortable. He told me he didn't tell anyone else about his sad Xmas or his deep depression, not even his therapist, because he only tells me these things.. I spent New Years Eve with friends. His dad was coming to town the next day. We met up that night and spent the night together then had breakfast before he went to work. Again things felt more normal. One thing in text he said to me was "I like having sex. Just with you. Not other people." Then later said I was one of the few things in his life that make him happy. After he said that I tried to have a serious talk and say I didn't want things to be like how they were before and that I needed to know he was going to work on those things or I didn't want to go down the road of being with him again. He went back to his old saying of saying "I don't want u to do things that make u feel bad" (I hate this statement). He said said he "had no intention of treating me poorly" (eyeroll).. that he has too many problems right now to jump into something serious (I didn't even say anything about something serious)-- to which I said you need to talk to your therapist about your depression and not just me, I wouldn't want to be with someone who put all of that on my shoulders. He said "We're on the same page". Then, he changed the subject. I'm not feeling good about the outcome of that convo and am pretty annoyed. It sounds to me like he misses you, and shares things with you and trusts you more than anyone else in his life, but he’s still not comfortable with the intimacy. I see so many of the same qualities in my ex DA. He also wants me around and enjoys me but since our break is afraid to trust and open up. Sounds like they both will respond warmly if we initiate but will not make the first move. I guess your next move depends where you’re at in life and what you’re needing from this person. If I was looking to get married and felt my biological clock ticking to have kids, I’d move away from my ex. I know he needs time and extreme patience and still there is no guarantee. However, I feel for the first time in my life I’m standing on my own two feet, learning to love myself and self-soothe...which is something I can do while being casual with him. |
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Post by kibbins on Jan 4, 2019 6:15:30 GMT
There was something alexandra wrote on here that struck me a bit, bc it sounded so much like D. What he did to his ex. And me. Today, I sent him the screenshot. We were in a conversation about why he wasn't ready for marriage and I said I knew why and he prodded me. I didn't feel like delving into a whole shpiel about attachment issues AGAIN so I sent him this tinypic.com/r/9qzcdz/9Hours later, he said "that is very me." I don't know how to stress the importance of him seeing a therapist about this without him taking it as me trying to change some fundamental thing about him, when I think he really just needs to talk to someone about his trauma..... |
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Post by kibbins on Jan 4, 2019 6:17:37 GMT
He has said before that he is willing to see a new therapist. I'm trying to find one that works with insecure attachment styles. I'm not going to send it to him right away but if it comes up again
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Post by kranichangel on Jan 4, 2019 8:13:44 GMT
It is nice when the door opens, even if just a litte bit or for a moment at a time, for honest and open communication and reflection.
I instinctively would say though, take a step back and let him take the lead on what he wants to do with this perhaps new-found information - if he feels seeing a therapist will benefit him, I think it is important that he takes that first step and starts actively looking for one and gathering information. It might be easy to fall back into that pattern of wanting to take care, take over responsibility and take the leading role - but I honestly think, it is wonderful to, as a caring friend, provide certain information and inspiration if the other person is open to it, but I would then take a step back and see what the person wants to do with this information instead of already taking the lead on figuring out the next step(s). Especially for us who are anxious preoccupied and are so used to trying to figure things out and fix things (ultimately also so that WE can feel secure and better), it might be an important part of healing our wounds, to instead of taking the reigns, feel also when it is time to let go and let the other person figure out their own issues. After bringing up the information and seeing it is well received, it is great to offer support, but firstly, you need to look after yourself and your own needs and he for his. Oftentimes, for DA´s, that behaviour of ours to at times overextend ourselves trying to "figure them out and fix them", even if we might only perceive it as being loving and supportive, can feel smothering and daunting and at times intrusive, perhaps not right away, but after some time. This is just my insight and it might not be the case in your twos dynamic :-)
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Here is what helped me....Forget about his rules, his psyche, the tea leaves of his latest text. Pull the camera back. What do you want here? What are you willing to accept and not accept? 
