Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2019 9:58:13 GMT
Is it rare for someone that is fearful to be so anxious they present as anxious or does the nature of being fearful mean that the avoidant traits typically dominate? Or is there likely some sort of selection bias in the literature and the community here?
This forum has a bias towards seeing FAs mainly as avoidants because they are often described by APs or secures who mainly get to see the rejecting side and generally engage with more avoidant FAs. I think it's also because this is Jeb's forum and Jeb seems to put them pretty much to the same category, saying things like FAs and DAs don't tend to date each other because they are both avoidants. I don't think it's true, there have been many cases of FA-DA pairings even in this forum. It's more that the more anxious FA ls a lot like AP in a relationship with a DA.
I think an important distinction is whether FA is usually one who feels like the victim / underdog in their relationship or the rejecting, distant partner who has the "power" in the relationship. It is possible they can be both, but I think at least anxious-dominant FAs tend to be really attached only to partners who make them feel unloved, making them underdogs in their relationships. This is supported by their negative view of themselves: it makes more sense for them to be with someone who reinforces their belief that they are unlovable, rather than someone who puts them on a pedestal or treats them well. They also have a negative view of others, but it is less the DA kind of "my partner is too needy and I don't need them" and more like "my partner can't be trusted and I am afraid of them, but I still need them". For FAs, their partner is both the source of comfort and safety and the source of fear. And by that I really mean fear, terror, not just "this intimacy is too much, you suffocate me" kind of fear. It's the fear of your partner having the power to hurt you.
This is also a different thing from APs feeling suffocated/uninterested with secure or more AP partners. The anxiety/avoidance axis demonstrates it well: sometimes you may meet someone who wants even more intimacy than you and they make you feel like there is too much intimacy.
I managed to find a scientific article explaining this theory better:
"Disorganized attachment in adulthood adds another element to the adult attachment system. We propose that unlike avoidance and anxiety, the central characteristic of disorganization in adulthood is a fear of romantic attachment figures in general. The fear of one’s partner is a more elemental and pervasive type of fear. As the “fear without solution” (Main & Solomon, 1990), it is the only fear that encourages simultaneous and confused approach and avoidance of the attachment figure for support and solace in times of need. Individuals who can be considered to have aspects of disorganization face radically different consequences from their fears, compared to more avoidant and/or anxious people. More avoidant individuals have experienced rejection and fear further rejection. This fear encourages distancing for self-protection, but it does not simultaneously encourage approach to the attachment figure. More anxious individuals fear abandonment, which encourages approach to attachment figures to ensure that needs are met and that abandonment does not take place. This fear does not simultaneously encourage distancing behavior. But adults who are disorganized are in a unique position: Their fear of attachment figures encourages contradictory and confused behavior. They seek to approach the partner in times of distress, but these approaches may be interrupted or incomplete, appearing to be chaotic or incoherent,because their fear of the partner may simultaneously cause apprehension and a desire to distance themselves. This pattern of disorganized behavior, even if it occurs for only a relatively short period of time, would indicate adult disorganization, just as it does in infancy, children, and adolescents. We propose that adults who are more disorganized fear their partners, in addition to holding other attachment-related fears that are associated with organized attachment styles. As with infants, disorganization in adults may exist alongside of, and not as a replacement for, organized strategies. Thus, disorganized adults may be high in anxiety and/or avoidance in addition to exhibiting disorganization.3 Conceptually, this means that disorganization, anxiety, and avoidance are overlapping and interrelated. Adults who are higher in anxiety should have a greater need or desire to approach their attachment figure, in general, but if they are also disorganized, this need may be attenuated because of fear of the partner. And although both avoidance and disorganization reflect a desire to avoid the partner, the motives or rationales are different: Avoidance leads one to avoid intimacy and the possibility of rejection, while disorganization leads one to avoid a close other that one fears. Because disorganization contains approach behaviors within it, any attempt to avoid the attachment figure would be expected to be at least partially undermined."
