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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 2:18:47 GMT
@shiningstar It is harder to spot avoidants, been there! haha I get what you mean but 4-6 weeks is a short time and good when it fails that early so its not a year or two later... usually red flags are there, some things are just missed or takes a month or so to show some. i think sometimes it's hard to differentiate an avoidant and a secure, because in the early days, both show signs of stability, clarity and confidence. it's when they (at least the ones i know) experience some phantom narrative and fear, esp when the rship is committed, that there's implicit chaos happening in the relationship dynamics even if outwardly it all looks good. |
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 13, 2019 10:03:08 GMT
I am pretty sure there are subtle differences that would allow us to spot the avoidants and differentiate from secures right from the beginning. I need to think about it a bit but perhaps someone already knows what they are? If not then I would suggest to keep yourself at check until multiiple dates have passed to allow the true colors to be revealed. After all, the alternative name for our attachemnt style is 'love addicted'. These people who we date, they are not all so incredibly great.  |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 10:22:35 GMT
I am pretty sure there are subtle differences that would allow us to spot the avoidants and differentiate from secures right from the beginning. I need to think about it a bit but perhaps someone already knows what they are? If not then I would suggest to keep yourself at check until multiiple dates have passed to allow the true colors to be revealed. After all, the alternative name for our attachemnt style is 'love addicted'. These people who we date, they are not all so incredibly great. see. thats the thing! i tried doing the multiple dates thing with a particular individual, and he disappeared at some point - i wasn't hurt because it wasn't long enough to be a real stable thing, but it was long enough for it to still have holds over me (not to mention everyone at work knows we got some strange vibe going on and often reference it). so these days i'm wary about who i am attracted to. |
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Post by 8675309 on Jan 13, 2019 10:45:22 GMT
I am pretty sure there are subtle differences that would allow us to spot the avoidants and differentiate from secures right from the beginning. I need to think about it a bit but perhaps someone already knows what they are? If not then I would suggest to keep yourself at check until multiiple dates have passed to allow the true colors to be revealed. After all, the alternative name for our attachemnt style is 'love addicted'. These people who we date, they are not all so incredibly great. I think with some avoidants yes, but not always. Mine was not easy to pick up on until it was starting to happen.(texts dwindling then ghost) He was 'all in' then poof.
Im pretty good at spotting red flags now a days, Im not AP and life experience, Im older. Back in my young days I was not as self aware as I am now.
I swear on the first few dates I want them to take an attachment and love language test! hahaha. These are certainly topics I will now bring up during the dating process since the dating pool at my age is filled with avoidants and they are harder to read even for us secures. And knowing your love languages is a good thing to know.
I do not want to deal with an unaware avoidant again. If they have no interest in these topics or weirded out by talking about them, that will be a red flag for me. secures will have no problem talking about it or be weirded out. And an aware avoidant will obviously know about their attachment, triggers, etc and talk about it because they want things to work in their life.(well those that want to do the work, being aware and actively working on it are two different things)
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 12:03:27 GMT
I am pretty sure there are subtle differences that would allow us to spot the avoidants and differentiate from secures right from the beginning. I need to think about it a bit but perhaps someone already knows what they are? If not then I would suggest to keep yourself at check until multiiple dates have passed to allow the true colors to be revealed. After all, the alternative name for our attachemnt style is 'love addicted'. These people who we date, they are not all so incredibly great. I think with some avoidants yes, but not always. Mine was not easy to pick up on until it was starting to happen.(texts dwindling then ghost) He was 'all in' then poof.
Im pretty good at spotting red flags now a days, Im not AP and life experience, Im older. Back in my young days I was not as self aware as I am now.
I swear on the first few dates I want them to take an attachment and love language test! hahaha. These are certainly topics I will now bring up during the dating process since the dating pool at my age is filled with avoidants and they are harder to read even for us secures. And knowing your love languages is a good thing to know.
I do not want to deal with an unaware avoidant again. If they have no interest in these topics or weirded out by talking about them, that will be a red flag for me. secures will have no problem talking about it or be weirded out. And an aware avoidant will obviously know about their attachment, triggers, etc and talk about it because they want things to work in their life.(well those that want to do the work, being aware and actively working on it are two different things)
how would you bring up those topics? and what would you ask? my ex is semi-aware. he knows he has problems and begrudgingly admits it sometimes of his own accord, but i have not seen him really work hard at it or address triggers or what not. he says he wants healthy relationships but i don't really see him working hard on understanding or improving himself. that said.. i said the same thing and i didn't really start working on myself until our breakup - that was when i truly wanted to change. |
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 13, 2019 12:20:59 GMT
I think their relationship history says it all, with mom and dad, with their exes. Avoidants are clueless about their family history, they paint it perfect but they have no experience of real closeness. If you ask they will tell you, they do not see this as an issue or something to hide. They also have either many short relationships, a long distance relationship, a long-term one that was broken up by the other because of non-commitment, cheating episodes etc. It is how they talk about their exes. There can also been a very strong focus on career or hobbies. They take pride in their independence.
There certainly are signs.
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 13, 2019 12:27:54 GMT
Ha, having an AP ex is a sign.  |
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Post by anne12 on Jan 13, 2019 13:01:04 GMT
Stan Tatkin talks about Sherlock dating skills - there is so much more than what a person tells you. Tone of voice, speach pattern, being able to hold normal eyecontact ect. alanis.com/news/uncovering-the-clues-to-a-good-match/But you have to be able to stay in the precent moment youself to be able to observe yourself and the other person. You can also look in the book Whired for dating. |
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Post by 8675309 on Jan 13, 2019 17:26:20 GMT
@shiningstar I will just straight up ask if they know about attachment styles in general conversation getting to know each other. If they have not I’ll talk about what I have learned and how it changed my life.
It’s something to talk about getting to know each other like any other topics.
love languages is great to know so you can meet each other’s language. My main is acts of service. I’d rather them cook dinner over buy me things and lots of affection. I like ’medium’ affection. While others love gifts, lots of affection, etc.
my guy is aware of his family issues and said his mom abused him, she still does. So not knowing is not the case with all avoidants.
i also have a strong thing with career/hobby/independence and I’m not an avoidant. I have some in my attachment but I’m heavy secure. As strong as those things are for me I always make time for my man, care for him and open with him, express my needs, etc.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 21:52:57 GMT
hey all, great tips here! I used to be much more confident about this, and do everything that you guys are saying.... that is until my most recent ex. the attraction was just too strong and my logical brain just went right out of the window. and since then it's a complete re-evaluation of myself and relationships, and that introduces alot more doubt and uncertainty. i think an important question is how much self-awareness does one have, are they working on it, and how genuinely are they working on it. my ex would say things like i want to have a healthy relationship, i also want to have someone to come home too.. but often tell me he also sees himself being alone, and he likes things that are singular e.g., art pieces that only have one tree, one house, one something or another. that would trigger alot of anxiety in me, especially when i'm trying to build a relationship with him but he doesn't seem quite emotionally interested (the behaviors are there but the emotion is one of resistance -- this was very confusing for me and i often felt "gaslighted"). anne12 indeed! that's what i'm trying to do now for a much longer period of time.. although you'll never know when the activation/deactivation might start! |
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 14, 2019 16:29:41 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2019 23:37:29 GMT
I came across this video after reading stayhappy's post which i thought is quite helpful! great beginnings aren't necessarily sustainable nor replicable - this is what keeps APs hooked.. the desire to go back and recapture the initial high. www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkegLCOUKc4 |
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Post by stayhappy on Jan 18, 2019 6:31:24 GMT
I came across this video after reading stayhappy's post which i thought is quite helpful! great beginnings aren't necessarily sustainable nor replicable - this is what keeps APs hooked.. the desire to go back and recapture the initial high. www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkegLCOUKc4 She is one of few dating coach’s who give more secure advices! |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2019 9:32:40 GMT
I came across this video after reading stayhappy 's post which i thought is quite helpful! great beginnings aren't necessarily sustainable nor replicable - this is what keeps APs hooked.. the desire to go back and recapture the initial high. www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkegLCOUKc4 She is one of few dating coach’s who give more secure advices! yup! I saw you post her video and i thought it was great. the thing really is... you need to BE secure in order to do those things. if you aren't and you try to do them, it just becomes a power struggle thing. |
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Post by stayhappy on Jan 18, 2019 10:30:28 GMT
She is one of few dating coach’s who give more secure advices! yup! I saw you post her video and i thought it was great. the thing really is... you need to BE secure in order to do those things. if you aren't and you try to do them, it just becomes a power struggle thing. I’m curious to know about what you mean by it come a power struggle? |
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