Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2019 22:31:53 GMT
yup! I saw you post her video and i thought it was great. the thing really is... you need to BE secure in order to do those things. if you aren't and you try to do them, it just becomes a power struggle thing. I’m curious to know about what you mean by it come a power struggle? because then you're trying to do something to get an outcome or reaction out of him/her, rather than do something that comes from a place of authenticity and calmness for yourself and for the good of the relationship (even if that means the end). |
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Jan 18, 2019 23:18:18 GMT
I’m curious to know about what you mean by it being a power struggle? because then you're trying to do something to get an outcome or reaction out of him/her, rather than do something that comes from a place of authenticity and calmness for yourself and for the good of the relationship (even if that means the end). I think I get what you mean, but is not trying to get secure a practice? Like fake until you make it? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2019 23:26:53 GMT
because then you're trying to do something to get an outcome or reaction out of him/her, rather than do something that comes from a place of authenticity and calmness for yourself and for the good of the relationship (even if that means the end). I think I get what you mean, but is not trying to get secure a practice? Like fake until you make it? mmmmmmmmmmm. i've thought about this alot. i think the key is practicing being and feeling secure. practicing secure behaviors is one way but i believe that sometimes you get lost in that game and then mistake the process as the outcome. i'm increasingly believing that it doesn't matter what the action/behavior is, it's the vibe/energy/feeling you're giving off. so the key is really to practice that energy within yourself, and if practicing those behaviors help you achieve that energy within yourself i.e., if doing it makes you truly feel secure, sure thing. but if it doesn't, then it just goes back to being a power play. |
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Jan 18, 2019 23:59:29 GMT
I think I get what you mean, but is not trying to get secure a practice? Like fake until you make it? mmmmmmmmmmm. i've thought about this alot. i think the key is practicing being and feeling secure. practicing secure behaviors is one way but i believe that sometimes you get lost in that game and then mistake the process as the outcome. i'm increasingly believing that it doesn't matter what the action/behavior is, it's the vibe/energy/feeling you're giving off. so the key is really to practice that energy within yourself, and if practicing those behaviors help you achieve that energy within yourself i.e., if doing it makes you truly feel secure, sure thing. but if it doesn't, then it just goes back to being a power play. Sorry English is not my native language but it’s not a power play when you do something to manipulate or control the other partner? I can feel anxious but I can’t really relate to this pain APs describes here. So what I think is pretty much like Susan Winter talks about in many of her videos. I can’t see being able to communicate your needs and accommodate the needs of someone else as a power play. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2019 0:14:35 GMT
mmmmmmmmmmm. i've thought about this alot. i think the key is practicing being and feeling secure. practicing secure behaviors is one way but i believe that sometimes you get lost in that game and then mistake the process as the outcome. i'm increasingly believing that it doesn't matter what the action/behavior is, it's the vibe/energy/feeling you're giving off. so the key is really to practice that energy within yourself, and if practicing those behaviors help you achieve that energy within yourself i.e., if doing it makes you truly feel secure, sure thing. but if it doesn't, then it just goes back to being a power play. Sorry English is not my native language but it’s not a power play when you do something to manipulate or control the other partner? I can feel anxious but I can’t really relate to this pain APs describes here. So what I think is pretty much like Susan Winter talks about in many of her videos. I can’t see being able to communicate your needs and accommodate the needs of someone else as a power play. yes, you're right. some people will enact these secure behaviors BECAUSE they want to manipulate the situation and get what they want, but they think they're doing it from a loving place because these are secure behaviors. they confuse the secure behaviors with being a secure person. |
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Jan 19, 2019 0:53:59 GMT
Sorry English is not my native language but it’s not a power play when you do something to manipulate or control the other partner? I can feel anxious but I can’t really relate to this pain APs describes here. So what I think is pretty much like Susan Winter talks about in many of her videos. I can’t see being able to communicate your needs and accommodate the needs of someone else as a power play. yes, you're right. some people will enact these secure behaviors BECAUSE they want to manipulate the situation and get what they want, but they think they're doing it from a loving place because these are secure behaviors. they confuse the secure behaviors with being a secure person. But communicating your needs in a more secure way while dating is taking the risk that you may get what you need or maybe not but being ok even if you don’t get what you want. Practicing being a secure is just accepting that you can’t control the other persons actions. When I say “fake until you make it” is because many seem afraid to say what they need. Don’t be afraid to tell ”I want to meet at least twice at week” or ”It’s important for me to talk on the phone when we can’t meet”... it’s actually a very good way to see from the very beginning if it’s a good match or not. |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Jan 19, 2019 0:58:43 GMT
I hope it's ok that I'm posting in this thread even though I'm FA, because I swing very AP in some relationships. Someone feel free to tell me to go away if it's not welcome here in the AP support forum. stayhappy @shiningstar In the past I would sometimes ACT secure when I really did not feel secure. For example, my mind was wanting to send someone a hundred texts but I would resist the urge, thinking that if only I acted secure enough I would get the result I wanted from them. Now, maybe this is still better than sending off a hundred texts, but I was not FEELING secure at all. The best option is to work on both the behavior and the feelings. If one is really feeling secure then one won't even be tempted to send off a hundred texts and it won't be an internal battle. |
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Jan 19, 2019 1:06:11 GMT
I hope it's ok that I'm posting in this thread even though I'm FA, because I swing very AP in some relationships. Someone feel free to tell me to go away if it's not welcome here in the AP support forum. stayhappy @shiningstar In the past I would sometimes ACT secure when I really did not feel secure. For example, my mind was wanting to send someone a hundred texts but I would resist the urge, thinking that if only I acted secure enough I would get the result I wanted from them. Now, maybe this is still better than sending off a hundred texts, but I was not FEELING secure at all. The best option is to work on both the behavior and the feelings. If one is really feeling secure then one won't even be tempted to send off a hundred texts and it won't be an internal battle. But would you send messages to someone who is ignoring you? Angry text messages? Or you just wanted to socialize? |
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Jan 19, 2019 1:08:56 GMT
Omg! Feel free to kick me out too... I thought it was the “normal” AP forum where everyone can comment 😬
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2019 1:15:34 GMT
from my POV, of course everyone can comment. The point of writing is so that everyone can read the thoughts of other people, and glean information from it. I think happyidiot is saying it exactly right. It's ACTING secure but not FEELING secure. and then you think that ACTING secure will get the other party to act in specific ways you want them to. it's using secure behaviors to hope for a certain outcome, rather than being truly secure and accommodating yours and others' needs. stayhappy i think you are absolutely spot on that practicing secure is the way to go. what i'm trying to highlight is that some people might think that they are practicing secure by using behaviors, rather than practicing feelings of security and acting from a secure place. it's not the same thing. think of it as... religious people praying and preaching love and kindness and acceptance, but then spitting on homeless people and judging them for being homeless. it's acting in a certain way but not really living that life. sorry if this is offensive to anyone. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 19, 2019 1:17:13 GMT
Lol, you are both fine, you're staying on topic and not hijacking the forum to say wait, this AP broke up with me but I am not AP, tell me why APs do everything wrong and then tell me how to win them back?! I think the issue here is it's really hard to "fake it until you make it" with attachment styles. What can end up happening, if it's not a real understanding of the distorted thought pattern and conditioning yourself to fix it -- and you're just trying to almost "imitate" secure behaviors without feeling them -- is your actions and words and thoughts and feelings are not all aligned and you can bottle your emotions up until there's an AP explosion. So while it's good to practice identifying your triggers and thinking them through, and trying to handle them in a more secure way over time, it's just really hard to get a hold on doing that effectively if you almost don't understand what you're trying to accomplish. So if you look at acting secure as a way to make you seem like a better partner and maybe not scare a partner away, instead of looking at it as part of the healing process, it's less likely to work. And I can tell you from personal experience that I acted less anxious as I got older (aside from when I was surprise-triggered), but it didn't fundamentally change the patterns or my attraction to other insecurely attached people. That happened when I actually was healing and getting more secure, not just managing anxiety. So I can see how you're still giving off insecure energy and attracting it back if you're trying to fake it until you make it, if it's not part of a bigger healing process. Does that help, stayhappy ? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2019 1:24:07 GMT
I have to say that i've done that. faking till making it, but it's exactly what @alexndra said. i literally imploded and exploded at my ex, and it did not go well from there. it is one thing to understand that you are practicing secure behaviors because that is what you want for yourself first and foremost, as part of healing or as part of personal growth commitment. and another thing to fake it till you can feel your way into security. the former makes you aware and accept the discomfort you feel when there's a gap in your actual and desired sense of security. the latter makes you push away or ignore the same discomfort.
|
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Jan 19, 2019 1:26:07 GMT
“and then you think that ACTING secure will get the other party to act in specific ways you want them to.”
That’s the thing! When you are practicing real security is when you accept that you can’t control someone else. And then you start feeling good with yourself because you are being truth to yourself first. You stop feeling powerless because others don’t do the way you want ☺️.
|
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Jan 19, 2019 1:34:22 GMT
“So if you look at acting secure as a way to make you seem like a better partner and maybe not scare a partner away, instead of looking at it as part of the healing process, it's less likely to work.” I think I understand what you say alexandra. “Faking” security focusing in the other person is still very insecure. What I mean is that it’s not really practicing security. Practicing security is focusing on yourself  |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2019 1:37:40 GMT
yea. and i also felt i was dishonest, i also started projecting and believing that he was not honest with me as well. because i was dishonest, i also felt like this relationship was pointless and lost its original spark and starting point, and devolved into just two pretending to be together. I'm not sure about other people, but my relationship with DAs tend to be very "strong" because it felt like they're the ones that started out with most honesty and there's a feeling of deep understanding of parts of me which i didn't need to pretend didn't exist or had to hide/cover up. it was that honesty that got me involved w my ex, and that went right out of the window when he deactivated and i got massively triggered.
|
|
