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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2019 3:44:35 GMT
What are some dating tips you have as someone working towards secure/already earned secure? I've gone out on a couple of dates although i am not ready for any serious dating. during these dates, > I focus on keeping a sense of strong clear boundaries between us, and my overall sense of stability and centeredness. > i don't ask overly intimate questions or talk too much about my personal stories, as I used to do (probably to build connection really quickly and deeply). > i don't try to sense the other person too strongly (for me it's like absorbing some of that energy into my own body, so that i can adjust to fit the other person) > i don't think about whether there will be another date; i think if i had enjoyed myself and how i feel immediately after it, then i put it out of my mind after that. i let them suggest the next date. am not sure how to figure out the attachment style incompatibilities, but i think that will show up sooner or later (hopefully sooner). anyone has tips?  |
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Post by stayhappy on Jan 12, 2019 7:07:24 GMT
It’s important to be yourself and being honest with your intention with dating. The first date don’t have to be like “we tell each other everything about our lifes” but it’s possible to “fish” some information about the other persons values and family relationships 😊
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 12, 2019 11:09:51 GMT
Have you ever been in a situation where you wonder at some point "How on earth did I end up pining for this guy I did not even like in the beginning?". Avoidant behaviour tricks (triggers) us to sell ourselves to them and not see the situation clearly. For secures avoidant behaviour is a repellent, for us it is a honey trap.
So, for me the key would be not to try to get chosen / avoid rejection at all cost but to realise that I am the one who is choosing. Keep the focus there.
I have the power to choose and to reject.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 0:37:30 GMT
Have you ever been in a situation where you wonder at some point "How on earth did I end up pining for this guy I did not even like in the beginning?". Avoidant behaviour tricks (triggers) us to sell ourselves to them and not see the situation clearly. For secures avoidant behaviour is a repellent, for us it is a honey trap. So, for me the key would be not to try to get chosen / avoid rejection at all cost but to realise that I am the one who is choosing. Keep the focus there. I have the power to choose and to reject. yes. i don't try to sell myself now. if i get asked a question, i answer it objectively without seeking emotional connection. that happens alot for me. i just went on a date on friday. seems fairly normal without too much interest (but then again, i'm used to vibing hard on first dates then walking away feeling like it's magic). he didn't make plans when we parted, but then did ask to see me again over text after he got back. no concrete plans though because of travels (both of ours). i did text him something interesting the next day, and we had a small banter, but that's the end of conversation. we haven't talked since and i am not intending to reach out again. not sure if this is normal dating or just me not responding to a potential avoidant. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 13, 2019 0:53:50 GMT
I'm married so it's sort of a moot point, but thinking about how I might approach things if I were dating....
I think a lot of it is being okay with being you-- for example, not worrying a lot about whether your interests, use of time, etc. are special enough. Not worrying if you said/did the right thing, or obsessing over your little moves on the date. You are who you are-- embracing it, and letting it be that someone appropriate to date will also appreciate you for you.
THere's also the question of asking for what you need. We're told "secure" people ask for what they want/need, which is hard for AP types.... I find some of the examples of this in literature, regarding dating, maybe put the cart before the horse. For example, one that comes up a lot is expressing one's preference for texting habits (so strange to me personally-- when I was last dating it was all email!!!), which from an AP perspective often means desiring a person will respond in a certain period of time, or a certain amount per day or week, etc. However, I think you also have to be careful to make these requests when the relationship actually justifies it. Like it probably would NOT be appropriate on a second date to say, "I would like if you would respond to all my texts within 20 minutes" and think you are following the secure principle of asking for what you want. It's a fine line between that and becoming controlling. But if you've been dating for awhile, it could be appropriate to have a conversation about your differences in texting habits and how those differences make you feel. The texting scenario is just one example....
So sometimes you should certainly ask for what you want, and other times the more appropriate thing may be to focus on managing your expectations and your cognitive thinking about the other person's actions (such as in the example above, reminding yourself that someone who takes a few hours or a day to respond to a text could still care).
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 13, 2019 0:54:48 GMT
. . . I have the power to choose and to reject.
I think this is a big one, to really feel it, and to also feel OKAY with it and empowered by it.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 13, 2019 0:57:00 GMT
yes. i don't try to sell myself now. if i get asked a question, i answer it objectively without seeking emotional connection. that happens alot for me. i just went on a date on friday. seems fairly normal without too much interest (but then again, i'm used to vibing hard on first dates then walking away feeling like it's magic). he didn't make plans when we parted, but then did ask to see me again over text after he got back. no concrete plans though because of travels (both of ours). i did text him something interesting the next day, and we had a small banter, but that's the end of conversation. we haven't talked since and i am not intending to reach out again. not sure if this is normal dating or just me not responding to a potential avoidant.
@shiningstar, I think it would be 'normal dating' that sometime soon one of you initiates inviting the other for more specific plans. I don't see any evidence here that he's necessarily avoidant. I think people often don't always make specific plans for a second date right away, though if he's interested he should reach out in some way soon.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 1:13:51 GMT
yea.. i'm wary of dating these days. i know i prefer avoidants who always seem to be secure and confident at the beginning. they make clear firm plans that creates no uncertainty, until a point where that disappears and they act quite secretively with their time and plans, often at the expense of my planning i.e., not confirming plans, not telling me the details. by the time that happens, i've already invested in the relationship and it causes me alot of anxiety. expressing it seems to just invite contempt and annoyance, like I'm putting them out.
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Post by 8675309 on Jan 13, 2019 1:16:50 GMT
Date multiple people, helps keep perspective and not get caught up. Also only hang out one day a week max for at least 4-6 weeks. Again, helps from getting 'caught up' and more becomes revealed before you are deep and 'caught up'.
In my experience with relationships with secures, I never doubted it. No pull backs, consistent communication, etc right from the start. I never wondered if he would text/call me, we would see each other, etc.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 13, 2019 1:35:04 GMT
What are some dating tips you have as someone working towards secure/already earned secure? I've gone out on a couple of dates although i am not ready for any serious dating. during these dates, > I focus on keeping a sense of strong clear boundaries between us, and my overall sense of stability and centeredness. > i don't ask overly intimate questions or talk too much about my personal stories, as I used to do (probably to build connection really quickly and deeply). > i don't try to sense the other person too strongly (for me it's like absorbing some of that energy into my own body, so that i can adjust to fit the other person) > i don't think about whether there will be another date; i think if i had enjoyed myself and how i feel immediately after it, then i put it out of my mind after that. i let them suggest the next date. am not sure how to figure out the attachment style incompatibilities, but i think that will show up sooner or later (hopefully sooner). anyone has tips? Try to date more than one person so you don’t get attached too quickly...or make them your world. Focus on fun and keeping your regular routines in place. When you see a red flag- don’t ignore it or give more chances. Exit. Learn from our avoidant friends that sometimes it’s best to release and move on. Good luck!! 😉 |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 13, 2019 1:40:17 GMT
Try to date more than one person so you don’t get attached too quickly...or make them your world. Focus on fun and keeping your regular routines in place. When you see a red flag- don’t ignore it or give more chances. Exit. Learn from our avoidant friends that sometimes it’s best to release and move on. Good luck!! 😉
I am not sure about the last one and whether to give ANY chances. It may depend on the red flag. I say that because I think insecure attachment can both lead you to ignoring real red flags, but also can lead you to inventing red flags that aren't there. But maybe that's part of the self awareness process, to figure out what red flags you personally need to be paying attention to.
Certainly if the person is abusive or highly disrespectful or controlling, I think it makes sense to not give additional chances.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 13, 2019 1:46:26 GMT
Try to date more than one person so you don’t get attached too quickly...or make them your world. Focus on fun and keeping your regular routines in place. When you see a red flag- don’t ignore it or give more chances. Exit. Learn from our avoidant friends that sometimes it’s best to release and move on. Good luck!! 😉
I am not sure about the last one and whether to give ANY chances. It may depend on the red flag. I say that because I think insecure attachment can both lead you to ignoring real red flags, but also can lead you to inventing red flags that aren't there. But maybe that's part of the self awareness process, to figure out what red flags you personally need to be paying attention to.
Certainly if the person is abusive or highly disrespectful or controlling, I think it makes sense to not give additional chances.
Yes, I said this bc AP tends to hold on and try to make it work in spite of red flags. I’d rather an AP err on the side of realistically seeing the red flag for what it is- and if it crosses a boundary, then move on. Whenever I’ve overlooked or made excuses for a date’s red flags- the area of concern only got worse in time. Never better. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 1:55:48 GMT
yea... sometimes it's unclear to me if a red flag is a real flag or it's just what normal people do. it took me a while to accept that people don't always end off online conversations properly, or take very long to reply just because they didn't feel like/busy, and for me to start doing the same.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 2:06:12 GMT
Date multiple people, helps keep perspective and not get caught up. Also only hang out one day a week max for at least 4-6 weeks. Again, helps from getting 'caught up' and more becomes revealed before you are deep and 'caught up'. In my experience with relationships with secures, I never doubted it. No pull backs, consistent communication, etc right from the start. I never wondered if he would text/call me, we would see each other, etc. yea i date multiple people, though i seem to remain most attracted to avoidants. these relationships also extend for a period of time, like 4-6 weeks, then it suddenly changes without information. i've experienced a couple of these since moving to a new country and i've not been affected by them, but it is a serious waste of my energy. you're right about the secures. those that i've dated were the easiest. even if they did not respond or make clear plans, i never had the sense that there was more to it. |
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Post by 8675309 on Jan 13, 2019 2:15:41 GMT
@shiningstar
It is harder to spot avoidants, been there! haha
I get what you mean but 4-6 weeks is a short time and good when it fails that early so its not a year or two later... usually red flags are there, some things are just missed or takes a month or so to show some.
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