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Post by mistakes on Feb 20, 2019 5:49:51 GMT
As I ask at the title of this thread. For what I’ve been reading or seeing the comments in this forum, it seems that FA shut down, push away most of the time, not really act like AP?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2019 8:49:55 GMT
I think a safe answer is that it depends on FA. Some of them are more anxious than others, and they may be very different with different partners. There's always an individual mixture of mistrust, hesitation, avoidance and anxiety.
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Post by lilyg on Feb 20, 2019 11:18:50 GMT
They can have anxiety as much as anybody else. Anxiety about losing the relationship can be manifested by fearful avoidants because they do have worries about personal relationships. It is usually caused because a parent could not soothe them when they needed help when infants. They may come close to their parents to search for reassurance but freeze and withdraw for fear of their needs not being met (because they weren't at some point). It's a bit difficult to explain: They can be hyper-vigilant for threat cues and simultaneously avoid intimacy. Some people with a fearful avoidant attachment style cycle: they push when they feel closeness is dangerous, and they pull when they realise they miss connecting. It's an ambivalent behaviour, while a dismissive partner may decide he/she's not interested and leave in a silent (even if hurtful for the anxious) way. This style, I guess, depends on which type of person thay are paired with. They might act more avoidant with anxious partners while they may become anxious with more avoidant partners  It depends on the fears they trigger. This happens to all of us. I sometimes still struggle because I don't know if my partner needs my comfort or just wants to be alone. I finally opted to just let him know that I will be there for him but I also give him space until he awkwardly approaches me to 'soothe' That's just my two cents. Mabe I still left this in the dark! I'm not FA though, so maybe someone else here can explain their feelings better. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2019 13:05:53 GMT
I think it has to do mostly with the individual makeup. For instance, on a test, I test mostly secure (51%) dismissive (30 something) fa (14) and a tiny bit of anxious.
My ex tested and he is secure (30ish) anxious (30ish) Fa(30ish) with a small bit of dismissive. So his insecure traits are split evenly with anxious/ fa. Someone else might split between da/fa. Then, the partner completes the dynamic to react to (because it is a dynamic, which is why you can be secure with some relationships and not with others).
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2019 13:29:55 GMT
Comments aren't indication of anything, imho.
Then, each person's pattern of behavior is different and it's not created by a label but by their caregiver.
Another thing it's that FA is FA. They aren't anxious, in response to what? They shut down with whom?
I can't imagine myself being anxious with AP, but I can act like a full blown AP in response to DA.
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Post by mistakes on Feb 20, 2019 14:05:11 GMT
Well, I only text the FA once every two weeks or a month, the FA seldom respond with an emoji, he does respond a little bit more often lately... I’m an AP in romance relationship and FA to friends and family, I don’t think contact once or twice a month trigger an FA to want to push me away further?
But, lately he did post a song title on his whats app status, on his birthday but he didn’t respond to my text. The song is about he loves a girl yet feel inadequate to match her level, so he travel back in space to fall in love with the younger her, which makes her cries and couldn’t find him, but he has no power to travel back...
I’m not sure if that song refers to me, or if he meant someone else...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2019 14:29:07 GMT
Well, I only text the FA once every two weeks or a month, the FA seldom respond with an emoji, he does respond a little bit more often lately... I’m an AP in romance relationship and FA to friends and family, I don’t think contact once or twice a month trigger an FA to want to push me away further?
But, lately he did post a song title on his whats app status, on his birthday but he didn’t respond to my text. The song is about he loves a girl yet feel inadequate to match her level, so he travel back in space to fall in love with the younger her, which makes her cries and couldn’t find him, but he has no power to travel back... I’m not sure if that song refers to me, or if he meant someone else... I understand he's your ex? Why do you assume he's shut down? |
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Post by lilyg on Feb 20, 2019 14:42:42 GMT
Well, I only text the FA once every two weeks or a month, the FA seldom respond with an emoji, he does respond a little bit more often lately... I’m an AP in romance relationship and FA to friends and family, I don’t think contact once or twice a month trigger an FA to want to push me away further? But, lately he did post a song title on his whats app status, on his birthday but he didn’t respond to my text. The song is about he loves a girl yet feel inadequate to match her level, so he travel back in space to fall in love with the younger her, which makes her cries and couldn’t find him, but he has no power to travel back... I’m not sure if that song refers to me, or if he meant someone else... But do you want to be with this person? I'd be honest, invite him to dinner and talk a bit, test the waters in a gentle way. It's complicated enough to navigate a relationship with an insecure attachment style, for you and him. I've always noticed when my partner wanted to come back, he wrote to me all the time, told me I looked good in my pictures, flirted, sent me jokes... very interested (that's what made me realise ithere was something going on and discovered attachment styles). I corresponded and he invited me on dates to reconnect and talk honestly about ourselves. Then again, It's just my experience. Sometimes we focus too much on avoidance, and there are some cases in which a person may be over the relationship or has decided that they do not wish to continue and dettach as maturely as they can. You have to see your love history to understand what' going on and what's 'normal' and 'familiar' for him. Look for patterns, but more importantly, look for patterns in yourself. Each person activates and deactivates in different ways. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 20, 2019 15:20:00 GMT
The avoidance and the consequences of, is what generally brings people here. It was that and the cycling that brought me here. I just didn’t get it, couldn’t stop myself from doing it, and tore both of us apart.
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Post by mistakes on Feb 20, 2019 16:17:47 GMT
The ex FA text me to meet up recently, we got intimate, he reply to me more often than before he meet up with me. Because I guess that he has some other social skills issues, so I learn to tolerate his silence. He seems to be less social to others this year, I know that his work got more tiring this year.
Morb, you are right, there are reasons we are here... by the way, thanks for suggesting how I should take care myself and pay less attention to the person. Although the person triggers my AP side, but at least, I’m passing by easier...
I have no idea why he came back, I have no idea if he is pulling away or just don’t bother in general, I don’t wish to trigger his AP side. But I just can’t imagine any situation would trigger his Anxiety for distance...?
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Post by happyidiot on Feb 20, 2019 16:24:40 GMT
But I just can’t imagine any situation would trigger his Anxiety for distance...? Why not? An FA will test high in avoidance AND anxiety, that's what FA is. We don't get anxious with every person or in every situation. And we can be good at hiding our anxieties. |
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Post by mistakes on Feb 20, 2019 16:40:40 GMT
I’m just trying to know how the theory looks in reality. Although my friends or family would trigger my pleasing side, but deep down I always rather be distance and alone, they might just ask how am I would push me away, I agree that I hide that well. The anxiety of losing them is there but barely, while in romance, the anxiety is much more intense and more often.
That’s why I’m starting to wonder, if the anxiety of an FA is high, why it doesn’t feel as intense?
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Post by happyidiot on Feb 20, 2019 17:09:25 GMT
I’m just trying to know how the theory looks in reality. Although my friends or family would trigger my pleasing side, but deep down I always rather be distance and alone, they might just ask how am I would push me away, I agree that I hide that well. The anxiety of losing them is there but barely, while in romance, the anxiety is much more intense and more often. That’s why I’m starting to wonder, if the anxiety of an FA is high, why it doesn’t feel as intense? What makes you think that an FA's anxiety doesn't feel as intense? |
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Post by mistakes on Feb 20, 2019 17:46:43 GMT
As i mention above, because when I’m an FA to my family l, I don’t feel the intense anxiety of losses get the person, as I fear losing other relationships.
And also, the FA from this site, seems to be consistent with thier struggle, not quite “switch” to AP in romance... perhaps it’s because FA attracts AP more often then DA?
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Post by mistakes on Feb 20, 2019 17:51:16 GMT
Oh, not only the intensity... for AP has another ‘name’ as love addicts, the anxiety of losing the relationship is one of the cause for not feeling close enough with the avoidant partner, that’s why there is the urge for pursuit.
I don’t hear people in this forum say that the FA partner pursuit them after some distance, but you hear them say, the FA push again after coming back.
So, the anxiety doesn’t seems as intense to me?
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It depends on the fears they trigger. This happens to all of us.
