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Post by mrob on Mar 6, 2019 3:01:26 GMT
I read the book last year, but the forum helps much more^^ I found that rereading after exposure to the forum made a lot of things fall into place. |
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 7, 2019 5:30:50 GMT
When it comes to individuals, of course there would be diversity, if one focus on diversity, there is no point of any theory all. I do see AP reports they have FAs pursuit them. I do remembers some FA in this forum mentions about cycles, but I don’t remember FA seek support in the support FA section for how to stop fear of loosing the partners or ex, but rather a bit more distance, like, missing the ex etc, not to an extent like AP’s obsession and wanting helps. By the way, Jeb’s book was also just basic of the different attachments, but not much about how a person would react differently to each relationship, so, it would be nice if it is not assumed that I have not read much. I’d been quite obsessed learning about attachment style, and wonder why it seems that I’ve not been paying attention. I was not assuming you have not read books, I was assuming you have not read everything on this forum, given the impression you got of FAs from it. And it's understandable given there are a million posts. Lots of us post in the main FA forum as opposed to in the FA "support" forum. At least how it used to be was that the "support" forums were for the stated attachment style only and people of other styles were not supposed to post in them. So they aren't used as much. There are FAs posting about their experiences in various threads (and not all threads they themselves started) in various forums, including the AP forums, not just the FA support forum. I'm FA and I post about my anxiety and am telling you I've felt terrible anxiety. I also think there are fewer FAs and FAs are less likely to be aware that they are FA, so that's a big part of why you don't see FAs posting for help with their anxiety as often as APs. Just looking through the forums quickly, I found a few threads that demonstrate FAs seeking help about our anxieties or obsessions or wanting our exes back etc (including some started by me): jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1283/breakup-apjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1639/gnatting-lettingjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1502/fajebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1354/over-phantom-stop-looking-perfectionjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1335/floored-fa |
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Post by mistakes on Mar 7, 2019 12:56:16 GMT
When it comes to individuals, of course there would be diversity, if one focus on diversity, there is no point of any theory all. I do see AP reports they have FAs pursuit them. I do remembers some FA in this forum mentions about cycles, but I don’t remember FA seek support in the support FA section for how to stop fear of loosing the partners or ex, but rather a bit more distance, like, missing the ex etc, not to an extent like AP’s obsession and wanting helps. By the way, Jeb’s book was also just basic of the different attachments, but not much about how a person would react differently to each relationship, so, it would be nice if it is not assumed that I have not read much. I’d been quite obsessed learning about attachment style, and wonder why it seems that I’ve not been paying attention. I was not assuming you have not read books, I was assuming you have not read everything on this forum, given the impression you got of FAs from it. And it's understandable given there are a million posts. Lots of us post in the main FA forum as opposed to in the FA "support" forum. At least how it used to be was that the "support" forums were for the stated attachment style only and people of other styles were not supposed to post in them. So they aren't used as much. There are FAs posting about their experiences in various threads (and not all threads they themselves started) in various forums, including the AP forums, not just the FA support forum. I'm FA and I post about my anxiety and am telling you I've felt terrible anxiety. I also think there are fewer FAs and FAs are less likely to be aware that they are FA, so that's a big part of why you don't see FAs posting for help with their anxiety as often as APs. Just looking through the forums quickly, I found a few threads that demonstrate FAs seeking help about our anxieties or obsessions or wanting our exes back etc (including some started by me): jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1283/breakup-apjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1639/gnatting-lettingjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1502/fajebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1354/over-phantom-stop-looking-perfectionjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1335/floored-faThank you for the effort to collect the links! I get the picture now, something echo in my heart when I read your line “but being considerate doesn't make me not avoidant. I’m avoiding people who want to date me right now.” I think I need time to sink that in too. But this thread got me realised why I didn’t get the attachment ideas... Since it has to do with the ways that we are handled as a child, I automatically assumed that it’s very embedded in us, that it just doesn’t make sense that the attachment style would “change” situationally🤔 Perhaps because I’m an FA too? (I thought I was AP), that’s why it’s hard to understand, because I’m experiencing both sides of the insecurities? Haha... sighs and wow... |
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hola
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Post by hola on Mar 19, 2019 16:27:32 GMT
It just depends on what triggers you and the relationship. I'm FA and when I'm triggered, I'll shutdown but I have such intense anxiety inside, it's painful and fearful, but no one sees it. Nighttime sucks for me cuz I'll get panic attacks. But as an avoidant, you learn how to take care of it yourself and keep it all inside. walls walls walls
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 19, 2019 22:25:00 GMT
It just depends on what triggers you and the relationship. I'm FA and when I'm triggered, I'll shutdown but I have such intense anxiety inside, it's painful and fearful, but no one sees it. Nighttime sucks for me cuz I'll get panic attacks. But as an avoidant, you learn how to take care of it yourself and keep it all inside. walls walls walls - Walls, walls, walls is right! My ex DA only has walls. He won’t move on with me or anyone else. Once you’re walls are up with someone have you ever trusted again? |
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hola
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Post by hola on Mar 20, 2019 16:50:12 GMT
It just depends on what triggers you and the relationship. I'm FA and when I'm triggered, I'll shutdown but I have such intense anxiety inside, it's painful and fearful, but no one sees it. Nighttime sucks for me cuz I'll get panic attacks. But as an avoidant, you learn how to take care of it yourself and keep it all inside. walls walls walls - Walls, walls, walls is right! My ex DA only has walls. He won’t move on with me or anyone else. Once you’re walls are up with someone have you ever trusted again? I try to trust again.....that's where the push/pull cycle begins. I've only had this w/one person that really did a number on me. The push/pull intensity cycle at it's worst. Never ever again. But in the relationships I've had, I'll put up walls but I'm still in the relationship, trying to make it work, keeping contact. The most I go is a couple of days of shutting down. To process my feelings but if they communicate w/me, I don't like to leave anyone hanging. I communicate even though I'm guarded. Even though I have my issues, I'm conscious about being respectful. BUT, Once I'm done, I'm done. No looking back. No matter how many times they reach out to me. I tend to attract men that are way more avoidant than me. And they ALL try to come back sooner or later. One thing I know for a FACT faithopelove . If your DA doesn't want to move on w/you in the relationship, they're telling you that's ALL they're capable of having. He's SHOWING you who he is. It has NOTHING to do w/you. Please take this to heart. This was a very big aha! moment for me. Can I give you some advice? Leave it as IS, keep the respect and your dignity, and MOVE on. No stories in your head, no "but he was so wonderful in the beginning" (I used to be very good at this) because in TRUTH, that's who they WISH they were. But they're NOT. Because if they were, they'd STILL be that person TODAY. The more you try to break down their walls, the more resentment grows. YOU become the enemy. Do you really want to be that? I've learned, The more times someone tries to come back, (I never go looking for someone, they always come looking for me) the MORE the relationship breaks down and deteriorates to just painful BS. Because that person slowly tries to convince you to have the relationship on THEIR terms. And vice versa. It breaks down to trying to manipulate each other to what each other wants. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2019 23:26:47 GMT
hola - Walls, walls, walls is right! My ex DA only has walls. He won’t move on with me or anyone else. Once you’re walls are up with someone have you ever trusted again? I try to trust again.....that's where the push/pull cycle begins. I've only had this w/one person that really did a number on me. The push/pull intensity cycle at it's worst. Never ever again. But in the relationships I've had, I'll put up walls but I'm still in the relationship, trying to make it work, keeping contact. The most I go is a couple of days of shutting down. To process my feelings but if they communicate w/me, I don't like to leave anyone hanging. I communicate even though I'm guarded. Even though I have my issues, I'm conscious about being respectful. BUT, Once I'm done, I'm done. No looking back. No matter how many times they reach out to me. I tend to attract men that are way more avoidant than me. And they ALL try to come back sooner or later. One thing I know for a FACT faithopelove . If your DA doesn't want to move on w/you in the relationship, they're telling you that's ALL they're capable of having. He's SHOWING you who he is. It has NOTHING to do w/you. Please take this to heart. This was a very big aha! moment for me. Can I give you some advice? Leave it as IS, keep the respect and your dignity, and MOVE on. No stories in your head, no "but he was so wonderful in the beginning" (I used to be very good at this) because in TRUTH, that's who they WISH they were. But they're NOT. Because if they were, they'd STILL be that person TODAY. The more you try to break down their walls, the more resentment grows. YOU become the enemy. Do you really want to be that? I've learned, The more times someone tries to come back, (I never go looking for someone, they always come looking for me) the MORE the relationship breaks down and deteriorates to just painful BS. Because that person slowly tries to convince you to have the relationship on THEIR terms. And vice versa. It breaks down to trying to manipulate each other to what each other wants. Yes!! this is so accurate. This goes both ways though, for APs too. I realized that I present a calm cool confident independent image even though deep down inside i didn't feel this way and I wanted very much for someone to see that softer weaker side of me, and protect that. The DA fell in love with the independence and when confronted with the weaker side of me, freaked out because now he actually has to be depended on. I really resented him trying to make me independent ALL the time because the point of me being in the relationship is so that I am not so independent. I wanted someone to be by my side and support me! |
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Post by mistakes on Mar 21, 2019 5:55:57 GMT
Independent, yes, this is another word that seems FA is not “anxious”...? I thought I’m AP, but I’m quite independent, yet it’s nice to have a little support in relationship, when I’m going through hard times. Little support can be just a pad on the shoulder.
The FA that I know, won’t even let me put handcream on his dry hands. So the FA’s sign of anxious, is just in a sense of being abandoned?
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Post by alexandra on Mar 21, 2019 13:51:40 GMT
I find the visual representations of attachment style quadrants to be really helpful that equate higher anxiety with higher negative view of self (and higher avoidance with higher distrust of others). Then, it's understandable how more negative view of self leads to lack of ability to emotionally self-regulate because there's more insecurity / less acceptance of self / weaker sense of identity, and that spikes anxiety and leads to a greater subconscious desire for external help / validation in emotional regulation. So anyone scoring higher in anxiety, whether AP or FA, will share that, even if the overall attachment styles manifest differently and come with different motivations. They still share a fear of abandonment because of the weak ability to emotionally self-regulate.
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Post by mistakes on Mar 21, 2019 15:07:56 GMT
I guess fear of abandonment is clear, at least in theory. But it’s hard to imagine FA person wants to depend on others?
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Post by epicgum on Mar 21, 2019 16:15:16 GMT
I guess fear of abandonment is clear, at least in theory. But it’s hard to imagine FA person wants to depend on others? They want it it and go looking for it, but when it gets too close they get afraid and then push the other person away, because "love" has painful memories. |
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hola
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Post by hola on Mar 21, 2019 18:32:02 GMT
I'm FA and I so desire to be able to depend on another. But it's really hard, cuz that feeling of "you're a burden" creeps up from within your core unannounced.
My ex FA would do things like ask me if I could pick him up at the dealership cuz he had dropped his truck off, I would say sure, call me when you're there. He never called so when I called him later I'd ask him and he'd say, Oh, someone at my office picked me up. He'd do things like this all the time. So yes, he very much wanted to depend on me, but at the last minute fear would kick in.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 22, 2019 0:18:37 GMT
I'm FA and I so desire to be able to depend on another. But it's really hard, cuz that feeling of "you're a burden" creeps up from within your core unannounced. My ex FA would do things like ask me if I could pick him up at the dealership cuz he had dropped his truck off, I would say sure, call me when you're there. He never called so when I called him later I'd ask him and he'd say, Oh, someone at my office picked me up. He'd do things like this all the time. So yes, he very much wanted to depend on me, but at the last minute fear would kick in. - Yes, this....my DA wouldn’t let me do any of the “normal” couple things together that would involve any kind of help or dependance on me. He even thought it odd that I would care to ask about his day. Once and only once we went to Shop-Rite together, this was completely normal to me after being married for 25 years....he later told me it was “real progress” for him. I couldn’t fathom what he meant bc I hadn’t discovered attachment style until after he broke up with me, but the pieces fell into place. He never relies on anyone for anything. Not at work or in his personal life. I never met anyone like that in my life. I can’t even imagine how he was married previously- I’m guessing she was also avoidant. |
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Post by mistakes on Mar 22, 2019 2:12:02 GMT
It’s starting to be clear that, the relationship is really different, and I’m starting to get the picture that FA do feel anxious in many ways, just may not show it. And I’m starting to understand why people on this forum alway suggest to be honest with my own need and if not matching, move on.
I could only imagine the loneliness inside of an FA, being in such mix feelings is not easy, can’t afford much to be labelled or being ask to change. And the AP could try, but the love the FA could offer could not match, unless both are conscious and try hard to understand each others.
Just when I thought I could evolve and got used to the way the FA is, some keywords like supporting, communication is really important to me, and the feeling of being used just grow too strong to stay, for me...
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 22, 2019 2:50:15 GMT
It’s starting to be clear that, the relationship is really different, and I’m starting to get the picture that FA do feel anxious in many ways, just may not show it. And I’m starting to understand why people on this forum alway suggest to be honest with my own need and if not matching, move on. I could only imagine the loneliness inside of an FA, being in such mix feelings is not easy, can’t afford much to be labelled or being ask to change. And the AP could try, but the love the FA could offer could not match, unless both are conscious and try hard to understand each others. Just when I thought I could evolve and got used to the way the FA is, some keywords like supporting, communication is really important to me, and the feeling of being used just grow too strong to stay, for me... Yeh..I understand that feeling...that is your resentment from not being seen as a child...believe me...I am so familiar with feeling “used”. What I have decided is I have a choice...I accept b for who he is...100%...even the bits that I don’t understand, even the bits I want to label as selfish...or I need to walk away. He is as much the product of his upbringing as I am mine...we just came forth with different attributes and lenses on the world. |
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