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Post by jaleesa on Aug 20, 2017 12:09:34 GMT
I have a question  Do DA's know they behave in such a way? When they're not familiar with attachment theory: what do they think on a conscious level when they start these distancing strategies? In my opinion I gave my DA ex lots and lots of space, even to the point that we lived completely separate lives under the same roof. Could I have prevented this in any way? When he left me, he blamed 'us' for not being a good fit. Although he was right about that, he never did anything to make it work (while I worked my ass off for this man) so I wonder whether he realizes this. |
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Post by abolish on Aug 20, 2017 17:23:25 GMT
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Post by jaleesa on Aug 20, 2017 19:19:25 GMT
I have a question Do DA's know they behave in such a way? When they're not familiar with attachment theory: what do they think on a conscious level when they start these distancing strategies? They are "dismissive" after all. The DA I know, is a very self-aware person, he is also familiar with attachment theory- yet it doesn't matter when he gets triggered. What I know from interacting with him- he literally dismiss any negative feelings/situations(caused by him), he (really) can't remember what we fought about and stuff like that, other things, he rephrases them in his head to protect himself, I suspect. It's not him avoiding or ghosting people- it's people who are rude and have no respect for his time. When he is calm and not triggered, he probably knows he did something wrong (he won't admit it though) and he really does not want hurt other people, it's not his intention. I'm a FA, and I'm in an avoiding period, I'm self aware now so I know it's an attachment trauma but wow, it's amazing what it can do to your brain. I know I love this person, he's been very good to me recently, contacting me every single day- it's all I wanted the whole time, yet I look at my phone ringing, I just look. I don't want to pick up. He'll make me feel good, but it won't last long, I have to "protect" myself. It's also overwhelming. So there's really nothing I could have done differently? I'm stuck with this fear that my ex is going to be different with his new girlfriend. He left me for her and he's with her for 5 months now. Looks like they are happy and honestly, I really do hope he's happy. It's just hard because I constantly feel like I wasn't good enough for him. |
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Post by abolish on Aug 20, 2017 19:46:41 GMT
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Post by jaleesa on Aug 20, 2017 20:20:51 GMT
I understand, especially because you probably sacrificed a lot for him but it's never because you're not good enough. Maybe you both weren't good for each other, maybe it's because of "a time and a place ", maybe the new girl hasn't triggered him yet, maybe you only see what they show-it's never the reality. Did he meet yours? I doubt that, so be happy instead that you're not stuck in a relationship like this because it's really highly unlikely it will ever be "perfect" with a DA Thank you, I know you're probably right. I did sacrifice a lot for him. This is why I couldn't understand why he left me for another woman and why he wanted to be as far away as possible from me. In hindsight, we were actually a match made in hell haha but I did love him very much and I really tried. I believe he's severely DA and he also has a lot of similarities with a covert narcissist. It's just hard. I'm sorry. |
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Post by abolish on Aug 21, 2017 9:04:23 GMT
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Post by jaleesa on Aug 21, 2017 10:28:52 GMT
Don't be sorry. Yes, love is sometimes not enough. I do also fear that someone else will be "better" than me, I'll be the one to "fix him" and he will go off to some other girl. I know a day like this will come. But that, are our own issues and insecurities. Life has its own rules. You can't buy someone's love. I love him, so I'll be glad that he's happy. I'm depressive today, I'm sorry. Don't be sorry! Why are you depressive?  I'm sorry for all the questions, but I was wondering.. Are you still together? Do you think you can work it out? |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2017 4:31:20 GMT
Marriage to DA. Divorced. But have small children with her. Insert nuclear doom mushroom emoji here. 14 long years I put in. Such, such were the joys!:
Habitually walking ahead of me in settings where most couples walk in together.
Not being able to romantically touch a person in any way; instead, conflating intimate physical caressing with annoying and childish physical ticklings and nipple tweaking.
Odd, spontaneous, out-of-place childish giggling in bed should their partner ever make a push for intimacy.
Opening her mouth grossly to brandish swollen tonsils or a current tooth cavity should their partner ever make a push in bed for intimacy.
Extremely infrequent, mechanical, non-spontaneous sex with the lights out, carefully timed for when the DA knows her partner will be half asleep.
Stubborn refusal to kiss partner at moment of orgasm for either one.
Constant, constant nit-picking criticism of partner using a dismissive, authoritative tone
Extremely gifted at treating all others in the world with extraordinary kindness and generosity while being utterly ungrateful and emotionally parsimonious with partner, rendering everyone else in the world into thinking that the partner is the sole problem in the marriage (yes, this mimics narcissism, but like all DAs, it isn't full blown NPD)
Starts a new hobby and gets really really interested in it, but the moment their partner joins in they lose interest and abandon it for a different obsessive hobby.
Staying up late being busy if the partner goes to bed early, and going to bed early if the partner tries to stay up late with the DA.
Being utterly ungrateful for even the most massive amounts of hard work helpful effort on the part of the spouse, and even then only capable of saying "thanks, sweetie" in a monotone, matter-of-fact voice.
This one's classic and it's straight from hell:
Withholding sex until the partner "helps out more," then, when the partner helps out more in exchange for sex, withholding sex yet again and then accusing the partner of "just turning sex into a transaction."
And of course:
Has a gazillion-and-a-half quick, ready-made, on-the-spot, often-changing excuses/reasons for any of this behavior if and when they are asked about it or confronted.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2017 23:42:03 GMT
Add this to my list above: Read the relationship help book THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES with them. Figure out what is yours and theirs preferred love language. Whichever one of the five is your preferred love language (touch, words, time, gifts, acts), look for them to pretty quickly cease and desist all such expressions of love. Once they find out you really like a thing, they'll stop doing it, all right. Works like a charm.
Too dangerous for them: if they find out something specific they are doing is likely to actually make you feel loved, they'll cut off doing it--feeling loved means you're likely to desire intimacy and affectionate, and that's the LAST thing they want (at least their conscious self).
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2017 23:52:59 GMT
Add this to my list above:
When traveling together in a car, they prefer to drive and pretty much HAVE to drive because as a passenger they are incorrigibly critical "backseat drivers"--but only when their partner drives. They are mostly okay being a passenger if their friends drive. But their spouse? Not so much.
I submit that the driving expertise of the spouse has nothing to do with it, too.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2017 3:27:19 GMT
Add this to my list above:
When you hear them moan or lament that they need something, or wish they had something, if you ask them if they would like it if you went out and got that something or provided that something for them, they rarely answer, "Yes," even if they would like that.
Instead, they prefer to answer thusly:
"If you'd like to"; or, "If you want to."
To answer "yes" is, to their minds, too close to showing a shred of vulnerability. And we know they can't do that in the same way that vampires can't eat garlic.
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Post by pooched on Oct 3, 2017 23:26:47 GMT
Trinn, I'm reading this list... and yes, you are massively hurt by this. I really do feel for you and all the time that you have invested. All I can say is... now you know it's not you. Aren't you glad you are out of that relationship? You can begin to live a life again. Let go of the hurt and move on -- I know it's easier said than done.
The concern at this point would be your young children, to raise them well raised and ensure that they feel securely attached. There is not much literature that I can find about children raised by DAs, but let me tell you.... my ex-DA has four children, now in their twenties and they are definitely not well adjusted. Very intelligent children . Two of them have social issues, one of who can be abusive. The daughter doesn't speak to the father and the other young man is totally immersed and emotionally dependent on his girlfriend (since he's known from grade school). The mother apparently is anti-social. All hearsay... after almost 5 years of being together with my now ex, I've never met them (he gave me excuses all the time).
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Post by aisling on Oct 4, 2017 8:24:55 GMT
THE LIST: Communication: Poor communicator (slow or no text replies, one-line emails, few phone calls). Content to go days without speaking/getting together Forgets to call when promised No independent drive to share daily events, unusual occurrences (good or bad) with partner Unusually private Connection: Content with getting together once or twice a week Avoided sleeping over, avoided sex Manufactured reasons to cut dates short Total focus on hobbies and work Adept at creating make-work projects to avoid togetherness Dates happen only when planned, (no spontaneous get-togethers or pop-ins) Intimacy: Evades attending family events, milestone celebrations Uninvolved with family members’ lives Best relationship is with pets! Very rigid daily routines Uncommon sleep / work schedule that keeps him mostly in solitude Spends time puttering/cleaning rather than engaging in quality time with partner/family Prior relationships: Few relationships overall, given age Most were short-term connections of less than 3 months Relatively few sex partners Actively sabotaged prior relationships Prefers dating partners who are long distance Long term relationship involved emotional/physical distance Social: Few friends, none close Likes social events with no chance for in-depth conversation (eg. Meetups, concerts) Conflict style: Felt any sort of discussion was an “attack” Would withdraw for days after even the slightest disagreement Passive aggressive tendencies Left relationship precipitously, with no warning Awareness of self: Accidentally kept referring to himself as "single", even after dating a year Secretly riddled with insecurities Struggled to voice feelings, fears Empathy: Unusually unmoved by events that would normally elicit sympathy/empathy Prides himself on being “laid back” (i.e. uninvested in outcome) howpredictable, you're so on point! Thanks for putting in the energy to categorize/list everything out- I'm sure I'm not the only one that benefits from being able to come back to this whenever they're feeling the familiar pangs of attachment. I wanted to add a few things that came to mind! refers to emotions or inner life as foggy or unclear; limited emotional awareness, and you can tell by the lack of words they have to describe something. fails to ask you questions about your life/doesn't show curiosity about your inner life-when you're talking about something important or emotionally significant to you, they won't ask you how that made you feel, and will say nothing or say something about how that sucks. believes the worst in others. takes a long time to process emotional events/sometimes responds a few days later to a difficult convo (i.e. one where you're expressing needs). phantom ex. won't apologize or take responsibility. believes others are the ones with the problem (my ex would often blame the culture he grew up in for his lack of deeper connections). conceal some major anger issues. probably feel, deep inside, that they don't want to be with you. string of crushes on people who were unavailable. |
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Post by howpredictable on Oct 4, 2017 14:57:07 GMT
howpredictable, you're so on point! Thanks for putting in the energy to categorize/list everything out- I'm sure I'm not the only one that benefits from being able to come back to this whenever they're feeling the familiar pangs of attachment. I wanted to add a few things that came to mind! refers to emotions or inner life as foggy or unclear; limited emotional awareness, and you can tell by the lack of words they have to describe something. fails to ask you questions about your life/doesn't show curiosity about your inner life-when you're talking about something important or emotionally significant to you, they won't ask you how that made you feel, and will say nothing or say something about how that sucks. believes the worst in others. takes a long time to process emotional events/sometimes responds a few days later to a difficult convo (i.e. one where you're expressing needs). phantom ex. won't apologize or take responsibility. believes others are the ones with the problem (my ex would often blame the culture he grew up in for his lack of deeper connections). conceal some major anger issues. probably feel, deep inside, that they don't want to be with you. string of crushes on people who were unavailable. Yes! I can't say for sure on the second-last one (about how he felt deep-down), but EVERY other one of these also described my Ex. Thanks for adding to what I hope is a helpful list. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 15:29:17 GMT
Trinn, I'm reading this list... and yes, you are massively hurt by this. I really do feel for you and all the time that you have invested. All I can say is... now you know it's not you. Aren't you glad you are out of that relationship? You can begin to live a life again. Let go of the hurt and move on -- I know it's easier said than done. The concern at this point would be your young children, to raise them well raised and ensure that they feel securely attached. There is not much literature that I can find about children raised by DAs, but let me tell you.... my ex-DA has four children, now in their twenties and they are definitely not well adjusted. Very intelligent children . Two of them have social issues, one of who can be abusive. The daughter doesn't speak to the father and the other young man is totally immersed and emotionally dependent on his girlfriend (since he's known from grade school). The mother apparently is anti-social. All hearsay... after almost 5 years of being together with my now ex, I've never met them (he gave me excuses all the time). Thanks, Pooched. Now if only I really was out of it. Already been bankrolled once by the cycle, and now, even three years after divorce, I am about to get bankrolled again. Have to do it so children have a safe place to live when they're with her. I already gotta work too much to have them with me during the week. Avoidant ex too broke, too hysterically unsuccessful in her third generation business we took out loans to finance, so I gotta fund this for her and for the children. Long, long, long story. I just hope I live long enough till my little boy gets old enough to the point where I can educate him and convince him never to get married in our society, never never never; and I hope I can be around long enough to keep my little girl from becoming like her DA mum, but other than that, I just want out of this life. Can't and would never do suicide, and there's even a Dr. Jeckyl in me that exercises sometimes, but there's also a very strong Mr. Hyde that just wants out. I played the game. I played it wrong. I lost. And now I'm no longer interested in the game anymore. |
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I'm sorry for all the questions, but I was wondering.. Are you still together? Do you think you can work it out?