The Big List of Avoidant Behaviors

THE LIST:

Communication:
Poor communicator (slow or no text replies, one-line emails, few phone calls).
Content to go days without speaking/getting together
Forgets to call when promised
No independent drive to share daily events, unusual occurrences (good or bad) with partner
Unusually private

Connection:
Content with getting together once or twice a week
Avoided sleeping over, avoided sex
Manufactured reasons to cut dates short
Total focus on hobbies and work
Adept at creating make-work projects to avoid togetherness
Dates happen only when planned, (no spontaneous get-togethers or pop-ins)

Intimacy:
Evades attending family events, milestone celebrations
Uninvolved with family members’ lives
Best relationship is with pets!
Very rigid daily routines
Uncommon sleep / work schedule that keeps him mostly in solitude
Spends time puttering/cleaning rather than engaging in quality time with partner/family

Prior relationships:
Few relationships overall, given age
Most were short-term connections of less than 3 months
Relatively few sex partners
Actively sabotaged prior relationships
Prefers dating partners who are long distance
Long term relationship involved emotional/physical distance

Social:
Few friends, none close
Likes social events with no chance for in-depth conversation (eg. Meetups, concerts)

Conflict style:
Felt any sort of discussion was an “attack”
Would withdraw for days after even the slightest disagreement
Passive aggressive tendencies
Left relationship precipitously, with no warning

Awareness of self:
Accidentally kept referring to himself as "single", even after dating a year
Secretly riddled with insecurities
Struggled to voice feelings, fears

Empathy:
Unusually unmoved by events that would normally elicit sympathy/empathy
Prides himself on being “laid back” (i.e. uninvested in outcome)

HOLY SHIT!!! Wow! A lot of this fits with my ex-girlfriend perfectly! Thanks for sharing this! Seriosuly... WOW!

Glad to help, Pooched. And sorry for what you are probably going through. Five years is a long time (I dated the DA guy for almost 4), but once the fog lifts you will realize that there was not much "relationship" to leave.

I'm over 3 months post-breakup and am thrilled with all the extra headspace I now have, to concentrate on things that I enjoy. It's amazing how much time, energy, thinking, planning, and worrying these relationships take up in the Anxious partner. It's so liberating not to be constantly thinking about why he didn't call, why we don't seem to have the right connection even after years together, and whether we should go for counselling. It's a HUGE relief.

Hope you get to that point soon, too.

You're right... I now need courage to leave for good.  The last time I left (for the same reasons), it was so very incredibly painful for me, even though I was the one that ended it.  I did make him work at it to come back and it was good for another 2.5 years, so perhaps DA's can change or mask it, but there is a trigger.

I initially thought that he was just emotionally unavailable and a bit of a sociopath or narcissist, but now realize that the problem is both with he and I (how he makes me feel insecure).  I need to work on myself.

Unfortunately, he lives in the same building as I.  I managed no contact for 2 weeks, then I saw him yesterday.

Why do you call yourself an Avoidant?

Things aren't clear in the fog.  Have you read the Limerence article on here somewhere?

howpredictable:  I do enjoy your insights and posts and they add tremendous value to the community here. We hear from many PAs and seldom do we hear from Avoidants, so it's a breath of fresh air to hear the other side as we make sense of our relationships.

I'm now sharing my breakup and findings about attachment theories with a couple of close girlfriends who have known me for decades.  Never have they seen me like this, they assure me that I used to be a Secure until I met my DA.  Slowly, I'm working back to being secure... with two grown daughters, I need to be a good role model and really to function well again.  It's not easy.... sometimes I do slip up and ruminate about the "what if's" and am generally very sad.

About my DA, he's so predictable and is now acting out of character on social media.  A few of our friends are questioning me about his posts.  All I can do is shrug my shoulders, I don't say much, prefering to just keep to my own boundaries.

Your list is so accurate!!! My boyfriend meets more than 90% of this list, when I was reading it, I couldn't believe it, it was like you know him personally because it describes him perfectly! thank you for sharing!