The Big List of Avoidant Behaviors

Hi trinn,

You sound very hurt and believe me, we've all been there, at various stages of recovery. Actually, all of us got hurt in varying degrees by DAs and other exes with PDs, but the ones who hurt us aren't the DAs here posting. We have to be careful not to "transfer" our anger and frustration with our exes onto them, as they have nothing to do with our hurt. I appreciate their presence because it would be 10000 times worse if I remain in the fog, as I find the DAs' words, deeds and reactions incomprehensible. By providing their side of the story, it really helps to illuminate the dynamics of the relationship, and it helps me with closure, since the DA and NPD exes won't do that for me.

Although they understand cognitively what they are doing, they can't seem to switch off these defenses that have become part of their personality. So it isn't as simple for them to just "do the right/normal thing expected", just like we will find it difficult to act out of character. Don't take this personally, they will be the same way with others in their life, and deep down they wish they can control how they feel to reap the rewards of Secure Attachment.

I am very concerned that you mentioned suicide, until I remember I was almost suicidal at one point with my ex NPD because he was truly vicious towards me and for no apparent advantage to him or anyone. I was incessantly attacked and suffered psychological trauma. I have since recovered, but I think you should find a good therapist to help you get through this rough patch.

You will get through and become stronger, like the rest of us. Like they say, when you find yourself going through hell, keep going.

I love this thread and would like to contribute from my perspective:

- Spontaneous and last minute plans only
- Anytime we tried to make plans in advance, he'd cancel them last minute. Had to be in a very specific mood, stars had to align, etc (usually meaning he was the perfect level of drunk and lonely)
- Used sorta dehumanizing pet names instead of my real name ('Dodo' or 'Little One')
- When arguing, he would focus in on one or two small things I said instead of understanding the larger picture of the disagreement
- Went dead silent when I made valid points
- Preoccupied with cleanliness and keeping the apartment freakishly spotless, always on the lookout for something to pick up
- Ended good/deep conversations with passive aggressive remarks (randomly bringing up another woman, usually)
- Stopped complimenting me on certain things where it would normally be expected
- Shut down immediately whenever I told him I loved him. Wouldn't hear from him for days
- Could never say 'I love you'. Well, he did once or twice but he was shitface drunk
- Created elaborate and unnecessary work problems so that he'd stay busy. (ie, picked up a bunch of work across the country and now has to fly x-country every other week)
- The only time he'd attempt to take initiative and offer a helping hand or try to do something thoughtful was when he knew it wouldn't work out (ie, offered to bring me some food and medicine when I was sick but it was midnight and during a blizzard)

For what it's worth - I think change is really only significant if and when an individual actually does this for themself. I am guessing that lots of us here fall in love with the fantasy that their partner or ex is making changes for them - it's part of the fairy tale ending.

In reality changing yourself for someone is conditional and much less likely to be lasting than making changes irrelevant of outcome - if the ex changes to get you back, once the incentive goes, the old ways seep back in. Real and profound change it seems to be, needs to be at a deep level, not put in place to keep a partner or win someone back.

I have a few traits to share of my ex and also a question actually..

Gas lighting: he commented on a girl picture saying it's hot and when I asked him why he said he was just trying to boost the self esteem of a friend. several times I was also said to be too paranoid and too sensitive. Then he would draw a card for a normal female friend just because she ask of him... and would send female friend home but never send me until I asked... he said because I stay too far.

Plan: Nothing such as plan, everything was impromptu until I complained, even with that... it's still hard for him to plan anything. He would also always end up late... 70% of the time.

Distance: We were moving to nearby cities to study, and it would have been convenient if we shared houses but he did not seem like he buys the idea of it. Also, once we had a choices to stay in 1 spacious double hotel room but he wanted very much to stay in another room. He said he could come over as and when he wants isn't it? Wasn't happy when I couldn't understand his point.

People pleaser: He does not wants to piss anyone off, he would want to have ideal situation of things so that every single one can be happy, but i will always somehow be unhappy because he appears like he procrastinates a lot in solving problem.

No updates: If you never ask things, you will never get things. He can go out with friend, not say what time he's back and come home at 5am get screwed by everyone who cares and couldn't understand what is wrong.

It's either his way or the high way: I have given him suggestion on things I have experience on but he always does it his way, when he screws up then he would go into a mode of depression... like shame and could not forgive himself. Sometimes I cradle him on my lap like a baby until he is better because I don't know what else I could do.

Disagreement: I try to tell him what my likes and dislikes, and he often use this opportunities to talk about either how I did something that make him unhappy before too. I said you should tell me when it happens isn't it? He said he often forgets until I bring up my issues first.

At some point I am actually confuse if he's either narcissist or dismissive avoidant. Towards the end he told me he have no idea why he put in so much effort in our relationship but nothing seems to work. His family and I both cannot trust him somehow.

Which brings me to a question for partners/ ex-partners of dismissive avoidant, have you all found it difficult to trust your dismissive avoidant partner? At some point I feel like I become very anxious and crazy, but now that I am single again, I actually feel much calmer and confident.

Yes. And like DearLover, I forced trust and missed red flags. It was not easy to trust. She introduced insecurity into the relationship by some of her behaviours, such as constantly being online, keeping in contact with her ex (possibly became the phantom ex) etc. DAs do not make it easy to trust them but to be honest, considering what we read about their behaviour generally, they do not seem to be trustworthy people anyway. So perhaps it’s your intuition speaking?