rara
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Post by rara on Apr 20, 2019 14:22:27 GMT
Hi,
I recently discovered that my male best friend/ex-boyfriend has a fearful-avoidant attachment style while I (female), on the other hand, have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
We started out as best friends turned bf-gf then back to being best friends when we both realized that we are better off as best friends. So, I know that we value our friendship dearly but have been having lots of fights throughout our previous romantic relationship and recently and most of them were initiated by me due to my anxiety and lack of understanding of why he behaved the way he did. After learning about both our attachment styles, I came to understand why we both behaved the way we did.
We had a fight last Tuesday and he had either blocked me or switched off his phone and I haven't been able to get in touch with him at all.
After doing some research, I came to the conclusion that he has switched off his phone instead of blocking me. This is due to the fact that I, being still able to see his last seen, dare say that he didn't block me on Whatsapp but the messages that I sent to him weren't delivered. I'm not sure about being blocked on his phone though which doesn't really matter now that I think about it. The main point here is that I haven't been able to contact him as he has pulled himself away from me for days now and I'm starting to sincerely worry about him.
Things haven't been going well at work for him that he is seriously considering quitting after working at the company for 9 years now. There's been a lot of built up for him and he's been extremely stressed out by that and he doesn't handle stress well from what I know. When he's stressed, he loses appetite, get stomach aches, migraines and so on. So, I feel really guilty that 1) I caused him more stress than he's already experiencing, 2) I am supposed to be supporting him during these bad times but I am unable to since he has shut down.
Since I just discovered about both of our attachment styles just yesterday, I have no idea how to go about our situation now. I admit that I am surprised to learn that I am an anxious-preoccupied person myself. But when I think about how I've been handling my relationship with people, I finally realized that it is true that I am anxious. Even with this best friend of mine, I admit I've sent multiple messages on Whatsapp and called him several times after our fight because I felt extremely guilty for what I did and feel very worried about him at the same time.
I would like to ask all with Avoidant attachment style out there for advice on what I should do. This is not the first time this has happened during our 2 years of friendship and he has endured every single fight up until now and I'm afraid this time he just can't take it anymore. He has never shut me out like this (switched his phone off or blocked me) so far. Usually, when we had an argument or a fight, he'd still be reading my messages although it will take some time for him to respond.
In your opinion, is this a sign that he's had enough and that our friendship is over? Should I just give him some time, say a week or two and reach out again or should I leave him alone completely and move on with my life? I've stopped pestering him since yesterday but I can't help but check to see if he has read my messages and he hasn't even opened Whatsapp up until today. For now, I have decided to wait until he reaches out to me but should I or should I not?
As those with anxious/avoidant attachment style, have you ever experienced this before? If yes, what did you do in situations like this? Would really appreciate your input! I really would like to make up with him.
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rara
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Post by rara on Apr 20, 2019 15:27:04 GMT
From what I have learnt from being in a 15mth relationship with an FA they really really cannot cope with confrontation...well mine couldn't. I have fallen out with him 5times during the relationship and he has packed all his belongings " we live together", and bolted. He has always wanted to remain friends and we have stayed in contact. The first three bolts he was only gone for less than a week. The last one 2 mths and was adamant that was he. He even took up with another woman.. Then he asked to come back and 7 mths later he is gone again. It's been 5 weeks he has initiated lots of texts messages but is insisting this is final and we should just check in every now and then. I will honour his wishes and see what happens. Will do my best not to reach out and give the break up space to see what happens. I'm sorry you are going thru this but please don't think it's the end of your friendship. Probably would be best to do what I'm going to try and do for the first time and give the break up some space. It's not easy for AP's as contact with them is the only way to soothe...I can't self soothe but this time for me needs must. What makes you think he's FA? Hey helsbells, Thanks for your input! I totally can relate to your situation as well. That "push and pull" situation that you described, I experienced it with my best friend all the time. I did a test to check which attachment style we, my best friend and I, have and the test results say that he's an avoidant while I'm anxious. Why I think he's FA is because unlike DA, I can see that he still values and enjoys being surrounded by people as much as he values his space which from my readings seem different from a DA as they value their space more than anything else. He also has shown strong signs of really wanting to be in a relationship but has admitted to me that he is scared of commitment and moving forward with the relationship (the reason we broke up actually, we both want different things). The way he tries to always pull me back into the relationship, be it when we were still dating or now just as friends also convinced me that he's a FA. I think if he was a DA, I will be the only one reaching out but I might be wrong here. I'm still learning about these different styles myself so do forgive me if I'm wrong. The reason why I thought this time might be the end is because he's never acted this way before. So, since this is something he's never done before (gone M.I.A) and this is the first time he's been quiet this long, I don't know what to think. But I'm going to take your advice and just wait and see what happens. I guess waiting until he reaches out himself would be the best option here?
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rara
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Post by rara on Apr 20, 2019 16:02:11 GMT
I think what you have learnt about attachment seems pretty spot on as that is also my experience. The thing I have learnt is when a fa is in full blown deactivation there is nothing you can say and do to change it. I use to get upset after we fell out and started to pack to leave. I say you can't be serious you leaving after a fallout. He couldn't even speak, he was vacant like nobody was home and went thru the ritual of packing and leaving only for a day or two to message me and send me photos. I have never come across this before and it's almost destroyed me. You have to be able to disagree sometimes, that's normally growth. But not with my ex. His longest relationship was three years and I believe she didn't treat him great was a flirt and always went out on her own. But she appears to be his phantom ex. Think she cheated twice. I've only ever shown him love and kindness so I really don't understand his thoughts and thinking. That part when you said "he couldn't even speak, he was vacant like nobody was home and went thru the ritual of packing and leaving only for a day or two to message me and send me photos." is really accurate for me as well. Every time we argued or got into a fight, he literally just walked away and left me there to talk by myself. Usually the next day, he'll apologize profusely and admitted that he shouldn't have walked away and that he felt too overwhelmed by the argument/fight that he needed to regroup by himself immediately. I am way too used to this part of him but never understood why he was like that until I learned about him being a FA. I guess your ex and my best friend have the same experience of being cheated, which led me to believe that's why they are FAs. My best friend (prefer to call him that rather than my ex somehow) was cheated by his first love and what's worse was the fact that she cheated on him with his best friend. I felt for him when he told me about this and somehow could relate to why he is scared of commitments and going too far into a relationship. But like you, helsbells, I tried to show him love and reassure him that I will never do the things that his first love did or anything even relatively similar to that but I guess he just can't trust me due to his strong fear of abandonment. We broke up partly because of this but also because we both come to realize that we are both not each other's "the one" and are fine with returning back to being just best friends. Returning to being best friends again was not as hard as we thought it would be and that's probably because as I mentioned before, we both truly value our friendship more than anything else. I'm no longer in love with him but I do love him very much as a friend and would hate to lose his presence from my life. But I'm afraid that I have gone a little bit too far this time around and that's why I started this post. But I'll just wait and see while praying hard that he can forgive me and stay friends with me because I believe he still values this friendship as much as I do.
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Post by sissyk on Apr 20, 2019 19:56:56 GMT
You can read my long saga in the DA section. Short version: I am AP and was kinda sorta dating a DAFA who is now a good friend/companion. We never fought but around Christmas I did phone him and ask for some clarity in the relationship. He went silent for several weeks. I sent a text or two and heard nothing. I feared ghosting for good.
He did eventually reply and now we hang out regularly as just friends with no expectations. So give him his space. He may resurface but messaging him will just feel like more pressure.
Are you really wanting to be just friends? If your dynamic is lots of fighting even as friends he might not find that a relationship worth maintaining.
Our weird friendship works because we enjoy each other's company tons but don't bring pressure or expectations. We are both older so not trying to find a sturdy life partner.
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rara
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Post by rara on Apr 21, 2019 8:56:59 GMT
My ex was also cheated on by his first gf then his last serious gf. So maybe your onto something. I would never cheated on him, but had real fears he would end up cheating on me. I think you best friend will come around in time as it sounds like you have a special friendship X Hey helsbells, Thanks! I really hope he'll come around so I'll have faith in him and wait for until he feels comfortable to return to the friendship. If he doesn't, I'll take that as his decision to not continue the friendship and I'll respect it. I just get extremely anxious with worry when I don't hear from him because of how bad he is at dealing with stress and problems. I know that it's his own responsibility to learn how to cope with that and take care of himself but I can see that it's not easy for him so yeah, I just want to be his support as much as I can as a friend I guess. But thanks for always replying! I wish you all the best with your situation too! You can read my long saga in the DA section. Short version: I am AP and was kinda sorta dating a DAFA who is now a good friend/companion. We never fought but around Christmas I did phone him and ask for some clarity in the relationship. He went silent for several weeks. I sent a text or two and heard nothing. I feared ghosting for good. He did eventually reply and now we hang out regularly as just friends with no expectations. So give him his space. He may resurface but messaging him will just feel like more pressure. Are you really wanting to be just friends? If your dynamic is lots of fighting even as friends he might not find that a relationship worth maintaining. Our weird friendship works because we enjoy each other's company tons but don't bring pressure or expectations. We are both older so not trying to find a sturdy life partner. Hi sissyk, Thanks for the recommendation. I'll definitely read it once I'm done replying here. By the way, there's such a thing as a combo of DA and FA? I thought it's either one of the other? Okay, this is new to me. How do you identify this? I'm intrigued now. This part you wrote "He did eventually reply and now we hang out regularly as just friends with no expectations. So give him his space. He may resurface but messaging him will just feel like more pressure." makes me realize that our friendship is pretty difficult since I still do have some expectations I guess. The feeling is gone for both of us, I can assure you that. We are completely platonic now and the reason why we can go back to being friends again so fast is because we didn't date long enough and there were no sex involved so it wasn't awkward like other couples who have gone beyond that I guess. But I get upset easily when I feel like he's not responding according to the way I feel he should and I was always questioning his way of responding such as being slow to act or pulls away every single time things become a little bit difficult and always tries to avoid discussions, etc. I thought he was just being disrespectful to me and I just couldn't understand but after reading about FAs just two days ago, I realized it is just how he is and it's the insecurity in him that led to him behaving that way, not because it was personal. So, that's why I really want to apologize to him. I'm sure he's always wondering why I'm so anxious as well. I totally agree with what you said about fighting a lot would make him want to just quit the friendship altogether because truth be told, there were also times when I felt that way. But why we kept pushing and pulling each other back into the friendship is because we both believe that our bond is special. We talked about this many times. We talked about how we have other friends but it's not the same as our friendship and although we can function just fine without each other, there's always this emptiness we feel when we are not communicating or connecting. Now that I know why we are the way we are, I just want to try to make it right I guess. But thanks sissyk for your input. I'll read your DA post!
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Post by anne12 on Apr 21, 2019 10:10:50 GMT
IT sounds like your attatchment Style/your signal cry is making noice. Maybe you can do the watertank exercise and then you can say to the feeling of hurt "IT is okay, you are allowed to be here right now" Also the exercise where you notise your breath several times a Day - start with 3-5 min. Also the "coming into secure exercise" ect. What about your own inner little girl ? She is standing near you, but you dont even see her. You are neclecting her. Maybe she needs and wants your attention. So what can you do to get your eyes at her ? Can she tell you, what she needs right now and can you try to give IT to her ? Take her by her hand and take good care of her. 🌻❤️ jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises
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Post by sissyk on Apr 21, 2019 11:58:46 GMT
My ex was also cheated on by his first gf then his last serious gf. So maybe your onto something. I would never cheated on him, but had real fears he would end up cheating on me. I think you best friend will come around in time as it sounds like you have a special friendship X You can read my long saga in the DA section. Short version: I am AP and was kinda sorta dating a DAFA who is now a good friend/companion. We never fought but around Christmas I did phone him and ask for some clarity in the relationship. He went silent for several weeks. I sent a text or two and heard nothing. I feared ghosting for good. He did eventually reply and now we hang out regularly as just friends with no expectations. So give him his space. He may resurface but messaging him will just feel like more pressure. Are you really wanting to be just friends? If your dynamic is lots of fighting even as friends he might not find that a relationship worth maintaining. Our weird friendship works because we enjoy each other's company tons but don't bring pressure or expectations. We are both older so not trying to find a sturdy life partner. Hi sissyk, Thanks for the recommendation. I'll definitely read it once I'm done replying here. By the way, there's such a thing as a combo of DA and FA? I thought it's either one of the other? Okay, this is new to me. How do you identify this? I'm intrigued now. This part you wrote "He did eventually reply and now we hang out regularly as just friends with no expectations. So give him his space. He may resurface but messaging him will just feel like more pressure." makes me realize that our friendship is pretty difficult since I still do have some expectations I guess. The feeling is gone for both of us, I can assure you that. We are completely platonic now and the reason why we can go back to being friends again so fast is because we didn't date long enough and there were no sex involved so it wasn't awkward like other couples who have gone beyond that I guess. But I get upset easily when I feel like he's not responding according to the way I feel he should and I was always questioning his way of responding such as being slow to act or pulls away every single time things become a little bit difficult and always tries to avoid discussions, etc. I thought he was just being disrespectful to me and I just couldn't understand but after reading about FAs just two days ago, I realized it is just how he is and it's the insecurity in him that led to him behaving that way, not because it was personal. So, that's why I really want to apologize to him. I'm sure he's always wondering why I'm so anxious as well. I totally agree with what you said about fighting a lot would make him want to just quit the friendship altogether because truth be told, there were also times when I felt that way. But why we kept pushing and pulling each other back into the friendship is because we both believe that our bond is special. We talked about this many times. We talked about how we have other friends but it's not the same as our friendship and although we can function just fine without each other, there's always this emptiness we feel when we are not communicating or connecting. Now that I know why we are the way we are, I just want to try to make it right I guess. But thanks sissyk for your input. I'll read your DA post! Where you do have a strong and long bond, I would suggest writing him a message in a week or so if no word from him. Keep it positive about what the connection means to you rather than trying to explain the last fight. If you do start hanging around together again, realize he acts in ways that irritate you that might not change. Don't take them personally but ask yourself if you can really tolerate them or if on balance they are causing you stress and you should step away from a combustible friendship.
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rara
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Post by rara on Apr 21, 2019 12:14:48 GMT
Day three of no contact and I'm in a state. Can't soothe myself at all. Looking at his Instagram isn't helping as he looks like he's already over me. Lots of photos smiling and looking relaxed. I know it's probably not all as it seems as I got to know the real him and I believe he uses social media to portray a false self that he wants his followers to believe and it works looking at all the comments. I know now there is no hope of anything long term with this man but I fell in love with him and wanted a future with him so it hurts like hell. Everyone says focus on healing yourself I'm unable to think of anything but him right now it's really not good. I totally understand how you feel when you are waiting for the person to respond but just wouldn't. I honestly agree with what you say about him probably using social media just to show everyone that he's doing well on his own. I think it's hard to start the healing process if you keep checking his social media although I understand that looking at it helps a lot because I'm doing the same. My bff doesn't have facebook, instagram or those type of social media accounts but he's very active on whatsapp and linkedin (since he's actively seeking new opportunities right now) so like you, I've been constantly checking these two platforms to see if he had updated anything as well. To my relief, I saw that he finally switched his phone again because he's back online on whatsapp. I didn't reach out to him though as I want to give him his space although I'm dying to. Also a relief to have found out that he didn't blocked me as well since I can see my messages delivered without any issue. He hasn't read the messages yet and I'm a bit anxious as to whether he will ever read it but I am going to practice self control here and just trust him to get back to me when he's ready. It's hard, so I totally feel you helsbells! T.T IT sounds like your attatchment Style/your signal cry is making noice. Maybe you can do the watertank exercise and then you can say to the feeling of hurt "IT is okay, you are allowed to be here right now" Also the exercise where you notise your breath several times a Day - start with 3-5 min. Also the "coming into secure exercise" ect. What about your own inner little girl ? She is standing near you, but you dont even see her. You are neclecting her. Maybe she needs and wants your attention. So what can you do to get your eyes at her ? Can she tell you, what she needs right now and can you try to give IT to her ? Take her by her hand and take good care of her. 🌻❤️ jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercisesThanks anne12 for the link! I've checked it out and I believe I can definitely learn from it. By the way, just my two cents but you're right about our attachment styles sounding whiny. Like helsbells, I'm an AP myself (newly discovered 2 days ago) and I really can relate to her as I'm exactly the same. I don't know about helsbells but I actually really hate this anxiety that I can't stop feeling and worse, not having the ability to focus on, as you put it, our inner little girl. It's not that we don't want to distract ourselves but it's just hard...no matter what we try our minds will keep travelling back to the subject of anxiety and it's continuous. Distractions or diversions will only work for a short period of time but when the anxiety attack hits again, I will start to feel that my heart is pounding so hard and my brain is working extremely hard at trying to figure out the answers although the only way to know is by waiting for the subject to come back and give me the answers but waiting is torturous. Just trying to explain how those like me feel I guess. Based on your reply, you seem to have a different attachment style...are you secure perhaps?
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rara
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Post by rara on Apr 21, 2019 12:27:17 GMT
Hi sissyk, Thanks for the recommendation. I'll definitely read it once I'm done replying here. By the way, there's such a thing as a combo of DA and FA? I thought it's either one of the other? Okay, this is new to me. How do you identify this? I'm intrigued now. This part you wrote "He did eventually reply and now we hang out regularly as just friends with no expectations. So give him his space. He may resurface but messaging him will just feel like more pressure." makes me realize that our friendship is pretty difficult since I still do have some expectations I guess. The feeling is gone for both of us, I can assure you that. We are completely platonic now and the reason why we can go back to being friends again so fast is because we didn't date long enough and there were no sex involved so it wasn't awkward like other couples who have gone beyond that I guess. But I get upset easily when I feel like he's not responding according to the way I feel he should and I was always questioning his way of responding such as being slow to act or pulls away every single time things become a little bit difficult and always tries to avoid discussions, etc. I thought he was just being disrespectful to me and I just couldn't understand but after reading about FAs just two days ago, I realized it is just how he is and it's the insecurity in him that led to him behaving that way, not because it was personal. So, that's why I really want to apologize to him. I'm sure he's always wondering why I'm so anxious as well. I totally agree with what you said about fighting a lot would make him want to just quit the friendship altogether because truth be told, there were also times when I felt that way. But why we kept pushing and pulling each other back into the friendship is because we both believe that our bond is special. We talked about this many times. We talked about how we have other friends but it's not the same as our friendship and although we can function just fine without each other, there's always this emptiness we feel when we are not communicating or connecting. Now that I know why we are the way we are, I just want to try to make it right I guess. But thanks sissyk for your input. I'll read your DA post! Where you do have a strong and long bond, I would suggest writing him a message in a week or so if no word from him. Keep it positive about what the connection means to you rather than trying to explain the last fight. If you do start hanging around together again, realize he acts in ways that irritate you that might not change. Don't take them personally but ask yourself if you can really tolerate them or if on balance they are causing you stress and you should step away from a combustible friendship. I'm still reading all your replies in different posts lol Love your insight! I find attachment styles to be way more interesting than the myer briggs personality test as I can relate to attachment styles more. Going back to your response, I agree that if we are to hang out again, I need to be more understanding of his attachment styles and probably try to find a mutual ground where we both can be satisfied with the friendship. For example, since he needs more space than I do while I need more attention than he does, we probably can work out something in between where I can get just enough attention and him just enough space to keep us happy with the friendship. I don't think it's going to be easy but if he's willing to work it out with me, I'm sure we can improve our friendship. Yeah, I admit, I used to take all that he did personally because I didn't understand that those with his attachment styles get easily overwhelmed resulting in them having to detach instantly when they feel some kind of tension. It's really good to know this so that the next time he does it, I can just brush it off and give him his space to calm down and digest what just happen. Thanks a lot sissyk!
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Post by anne12 on Apr 21, 2019 12:49:01 GMT
Nope not totally secure but mostly secure. I have participated in a Lot of workshops, webinars with an expert in my own country and some American Experts in attatchment/SE therapy ect. (and done some Work myself). I can see that you havent been around the forum yet. There are many good resourses around the forum from different participants. IT is All on a spectrum and often times people can have more than one attatchment Style and some trauma later in life or can Be pushed into some of the other attatchmentstyles ect. Being in a ap-fa relationship can push your further into insecure attatchmentstyle as "the on and off" is so intense and IT can stress you out. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/4-attatchment-style-decription-test. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-ambivalent-attatchment-tips-tricksThere are two types of ambivalent 1. The "quite" one - who gets sad and not so angry 2. And the more "whiney, complaining, angry one. Whiney - there is and explanation and a reason why, right?! I know that you cant think when you are activated and overwhelmed. None of the different attatchment styles are able to. Thats why you as an mostly ambivalent have to regulate your nerveussystem furst, so that you can land your overwhelm and get "Up on the balcony" so that you can see more clearly - and then you are able to find out what to do. When you know what is going on, the next step is how can you heal. It's about getting into secure attatchment style, as fast as IT is possible.
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Post by mrob on Apr 21, 2019 15:17:47 GMT
Do you see your part in this? He can contact you as much as he wants, acting out on his sickness. If you’re not happy with that, it’s up to you to not act in your sickness, put it to him that you won’t be participating, then block etc. If you participate, he will cycle between loneliness and revulsion. From my own experience, it’s genuine, not a manipulative game, although it can certainly feel that way.
It takes two to tango. You have a part in this too.
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Post by mrob on Apr 22, 2019 0:01:35 GMT
It’s incredibly hard when activated. I understand. I understand the longing. I also get his avoidance. I’ve been in sick situations, sometimes for years, so I suppose you have to get to the end of that, and you’ll know how to go NC.
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rara
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Post by rara on Apr 22, 2019 18:25:45 GMT
The thing is I need to take him at his word although he is very impulsive with his actions. He told me he can't give me what I need and he needs to focus on getting fit again as he is sat on a computer whilst he remains with me. It really hurts as I never stopped him doing anything but he said that's addictions for you. He must be getting someone to take photos of him as he's just put some pictures of himself climbing a mountain on Instagram. The captions underneath says glad to be getting my life back on track and getting fit again. It's like a real kick in the stomach as he was unable to do those things with me but didn't do anything for himself either. He did the same thing last time he left me blew up Instagram but professed to be sat lonely and bored in his van most of the time. I haven't heard from him this is the longest we have both not text each other in 15mths. It almost seems more narcissistic as he knows I am probably looking at his profile. He has told me I'm the lovliest kindest person he's ever met, doesn't he think the photos wouldn't hurt me. I couldn't imagine doing stuff like this on social media so soon after a break up. Does he not have any feelings, or is it all a game. Will do my best not to look anymore but it's hard. Hey helsbells, I think that is one of the traits of FAs. My best friend was exactly the same when we were a couple but not so much once we broke up. When we were dating, he tried too hard to please me although most of the time, he did things that he didn't want to do that even I questioned why he did it. When I asked though, he said he wanted to do it because he wants me to be happy but I told him I never expected him to in the first place. When we decided to break up though, he tried to blame me for those things that he did saying that I was trying to change him into something he's not, etc. So, although our cases are a little bit different but the concept behind it seems the same which is blaming us for things that either they didn't want to do but did or wanted to do but didn't. It really did feel like a game to me too..I thought he was just messing with me for a while but luckily my best friend/ex can be honest enough to admit that he did try too hard to please me while we were dating even though it wasn't like him to do the things that he did. I told him I was surprised myself because he never did those things when we were just best friends but I thought "oh maybe this is just how he is when he's dating..." but he indeed was just trying too hard. My point is, I noticed that they do blame others for things basically. Unfortunately, it's usually unfair to the other party because the other party either didn't know that they were forcing themselves but were blamed anyway.
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rara
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Post by rara on Apr 22, 2019 18:38:08 GMT
Do you see your part in this? He can contact you as much as he wants, acting out on his sickness. If you’re not happy with that, it’s up to you to not act in your sickness, put it to him that you won’t be participating, then block etc. If you participate, he will cycle between loneliness and revulsion. From my own experience, it’s genuine, not a manipulative game, although it can certainly feel that way. It takes two to tango. You have a part in this too. mrob he messaged me about 30 minutes ago. What is the kindest and least harmful way to respond. It obviously took a lot for him to text after saying we need to be only texting every now and then. Oh glad that he contacted you. My best friend finally contacted me as well but in a cold manner. He just said "What do you want from me?" I was a bit hurt by the cold treatment but since I was the one who hurt him bad, I pushed my feelings and ego aside and told him that I'd like to apologize for what I did and hope he has it in him to forgive me. I also told him that I'd love to stay friends but understand if he doesn't want to anymore. He replied saying "Apology accepted" and "Sorry for going M.I.A for a while, I needed to recollect my thoughts." I said it was totally fine and that I understand and asked how he's feeling right now and if he's still angry...he read but seems to refuse to reply. Why I said seems to refuse to reply is because he opened whatsapp a few times after reading my message but wouldn't bother to reply to my question. If I don't know him better, I think he's still angry and hurt so I didn't say anything either. I'm going to wait until he reaches out to me again. Should I wait or since he's still hurting right now, should I reach out to him to show him that I do care? Any advice?
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rara
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Post by rara on Apr 22, 2019 19:52:56 GMT
That is lovely to hear Im so happy for you as I know how much you value this friendship. I would say put it all in the past now. Take it slow, but let him see your love for him. You are so more aware now about attachments so I feel very hopeful for your future relationship. It might be worth very gently and if you feel the time is right to introduce your friend to attachment theory and how it plays out in all our life Relationship's. Well done for value your friendship enough to search the matter. Sending you a big hug xx Thanks helsbells! I wish you all the best with your situation too! I read your post and I truly feel for you. Being an AP myself, I understand the struggle. I don't know if this will help you but for me although distractions only helped for a short period of time, the fact it did help a little bit is true. Sharing with you my ways of distracting myself when I feel most activated. 1) Watch a movie in a cinema. I usually turn off my phone when I'm in the cinema and if the movie is good as well, I really can get engrossed in it and this really helps take 2 hours of your day away from trying to reach out to his social media and check out his activities. 2) Sleep. Okay this one is unproductive and I only do it on weekends to be honest but for me, weekends are the hardest because unlike weekdays when I'm forced to be focus at work, I'm free to do what I want during weekends and I tend to get glued to my phone just because I can. So, when I feel overwhelmed with worry or my mind starts to run wild with guesses, I just switch off my phone, laptop, etc and sleep. 3) Meet friends and keep my phone where I can't see it. When i'm with my friends I usually don't check my phone anyway because I want to concentrate on them and not be rude. Even more so if we are doing activities that require focus such as playing pool, board games, bowling, etc. I mean of course people usually check their phones in between but for me, I prefer to just keep it in my bag where I can't see it and focus on my friends and our activities instead. I guess for me as long as I'm not alone, I can pretty much distract myself but unfortunately once I'm alone in my room after all of these distractions are gone, I'm back to feeling anxious and uneasy again but at least the distractions did help in a way. Lots of hugs for you and feel free to reach out if you need my support at any time!
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