m2
New Member
Posts: 15
|
Post by m2 on May 17, 2019 14:24:22 GMT
TLDR: 3 yr relationship with FA-type who is now moving away, but is open to continuing it - any advice?
So, after 3 years of dating what I consider a fearful-avoidant (maybe dismissive?) girlfriend she found a job out west and is moving away (from midwest) soon. She seems to want to make it work long-distance, but she is prioritizing her career so I feel a bit like collateral damage. When I talk to her about it she just sort of shrugs and says flights out there aren't expensive and I get out there for work. I wouldn't be even considering it if I didn't feel like she was so special to me and that we have bonded. I don't believe there is only just "one" special person for everyone, but I've dated many women...and she fits with me the best of all of them by far....not that others couldn't make me happy, but with her its just easy and more satisfying.
I'm older (52) and divorced with kids still in the house -- she's 10 years younger and just became an empty nester. This fact is also contributing to her need to 'spread her wings' and take some career risk after having spent her 20s and 30s raising her child herself and putting her though college. My life has been opposite - lot of moving around when/where I wanted for career advancement in my 20s/30s and have been raising kids as a single parent (50% custody) now through my 40s and into my 50s. So when we started dating it was a good match -- she highly prized her need for space and I needed time with my kids, so it was symbiotic that way. We would see each other about 1-2x per week on average. So the obvious life-situation mismatch hasn't been a problem, and likely sustained the relationship as long as it has been. And over the past year she's attended my family holidays, kids birthdays, and she comes over usually once on the weekends I have the kids. And I met her daughter, even went on trips with them, and we also talked about taking trips to europe to meet her extended family this summer. So its felt like she was becoming very comfortable getting more entwined in each other's lives.
I can see how her avoidant characteristics developed. She shared with me several times how she was neglected as a small child, her mother ignoring even her basic hygiene needs, and they still have a very distant relationship which hurts my girlfriend over and over. Her father basically drank himself to death when she was young. Her only course has been to make herself numb to her mothers narcissism. Her first marriage was traumatic, abusive, and forced she and her infant daughter to flee her country (eastern europe), she later got into another marriage where he was abusive and didn't care for her when she became very sick with some major GI problems. So, a lot of relationship trauma before I met her. She wants intimacy but she has said she can go long periods without it - she says it takes a little adjustment to it then she gets used to it and she's fine without anyone.
It took me awhile understand this as I've not dated someone like this. With her I always have to initiate the date -- when she'd stay over and leave the next day I'd always wonder if/when I'd see her again. That in itself made it interesting -- I'd text her early in the week, see if she's available, then we'd plan something - that in itself felt satisfying. Sometimes she'd say she has a lot of work to do and can't see me for a week or 2. At first I would feel anxious and wonder if she's dumping me, but after her time apart she'd show up and be very affectionate and pick up right where we left off. So I've learned to trust her need for space and would give her whatever space she needed and I don't worry so much about extended time apart.
We don't talk much directly about our 'relationship' -- in part because it didn't seem necessary, and I didn't want to pressure it by defining it. I always felt even if you make a verbal commitment to someone it doesn't mean much -- people leave each other all the time. So I put more value in actions not words. But when it did come up she'd say how much she needs space, doesn't like someone having to know what she is doing all the time, she doesn't need daily texts, etc. She would speak about how her 'love language' is touch, quality time, and acts of service to each other. So, we were always very affectionate with each other - all the time. When we go somewhere she's always holding my hand, leaning on me at shows, even when we sleep she needs to be snuggled next to me with my arm around her. And over the past year she freely says how she loves and adores me, how I make her happy - it really felt like our bond had been deepening.
Yet, I was also aware of her underlying 'midlife crisis' as she puts it driven by the fact that she just became an empty nester during the time we started dating, and is looking for some meaning in her life -- but she's been miserable in her job and now she feels the freedom to do what she wants without having to worry about supporting her daughter who is now fully independent. She's interviewed for jobs locally here for a year, but no luck. So over the past few months she decided she had no choice but to explore opportunities outside of this area. She reflected on the fact she's been here for a long time, and that she felt she needed to challenge herself, move outside her comfort zone at this stage of her career. So within a couple months she had two offers to work on the west coast.
I have been supportive of her all along the way while also expressing my concern about whether our relationship would survive long-distance. I have considered moving with her, as our family is mobile (ex would love to move), and I'm ready for a career change, and we have lots of relatives to where she is moving to. She seems to want to try and see how it goes. The first thing she said when I didn't like the idea of living apart is that she said she's not moving out there for a relationship, she has to do it to move up in her industry -- she's tried here over and over and has gotten rejected. I've seen how miserable she is in her job - so its worth it to me for her to move there if it means she will be happy with her career. She also said how she didn't move years ago when she had the chance for a guy and she regretted it because it turned out to be an awful relationship. So she is looking out for herself first and I respect that.
I am much more of the secure type, and so while I'm feeling very sad about this I am hopeful it can work. Yet if its too much I'm ok letting go of it as much as I'd miss her terribly. However, I was thinking that maybe her avoidant attachment style might be well suited for a long distance relationship as it will provide the space she craves, and I have the resources to see her regularly if its something we both find we want to continue.
Has anyone had a similar experience? Any observations or advice? Thanks in advance.
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on May 19, 2019 17:55:09 GMT
Hi m2 - I've been meaning to reply.... I can't offer any advice - except to continue to look at your own needs and not subjugate them in order to keep your partner happy. Your feelings are important and in a mutual relationship that works, there can be no fear or walking on eggshells re defining the relationship or discussing important issues. It sounds from what you have written as though you are fearful that real honesty and vulnerability from you will make her run. You also sound secure, but as though you've been triggered by your avoidant partner. Most people want to feel wanted and loved - and however cool and rational we wish to appear, underneath the when the relationship is apparently not a priority, it hurts. She has to do what she has to do - that's really important and that's her decision - but your own feelings are also valid and it's important that you own them and get comfortable with the uncomfortableness if you see what I mean! You're both at a life crossroads with children leaving home and room for career change etc - if it were me a very frank discussion about all the things you're skirting around - your joint future, where you want to go from here as a couple, what she sees for the relationship, would be a priority. Obviously there's a risk it could go either way but whatever, it's super important with a life partner to be able to address these things - and better to know at this stage if the two of you have different goals and aspirations. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 19, 2019 18:35:19 GMT
Hi m2 - I've been meaning to reply.... I can't offer any advice - except to continue to look at your own needs and not subjugate them in order to keep your partner happy. Your feelings are important and in a mutual relationship that works, there can be no fear or walking on eggshells re defining the relationship or discussing important issues. It sounds from what you have written as though you are fearful that real honesty and vulnerability from you will make her run. You also sound secure, but as though you've been triggered by your avoidant partner. Most people want to feel wanted and loved - and however cool and rational we wish to appear, underneath the when the relationship is apparently not a priority, it hurts. She has to do what she has to do - that's really important and that's her decision - but your own feelings are also valid and it's important that you own them and get comfortable with the uncomfortableness if you see what I mean! You're both at a life crossroads with children leaving home and room for career change etc - if it were me a very frank discussion about all the things you're skirting around - your joint future, where you want to go from here as a couple, what she sees for the relationship, would be a priority. Obviously there's a risk it could go either way but whatever, it's super important with a life partner to be able to address these things - and better to know at this stage if the two of you have different goals and aspirations. Such a great post...I agree that having a discussion about where you would like to see the relationship will give you clarity to whether she is tracking with you or not. Unspoken feelings/desires leaves the door open to interpretation which could be interpreted as you being ok with whatever. Believe me...as someone way more on the AP side of things...I wish I had clarified the intent of the man I dated before agreeing to a friendship that on my part was a not to subtle attempt at hoping to get back together. |
|
m2
New Member
Posts: 15
|
Post by m2 on May 19, 2019 23:54:10 GMT
Thank you for the replies. I realize we need to express our needs in relationships. With raising kids, I've been dating with the caveat that I never would expect someone to move in with me -- its a big job to deal with the chaos the kids create, which my date would either had or have already done with their own kids or worse yet, if they never had kids and couldn't relate. So our arrangement seemed great. She needs her space, and I can tackle the parenting without having her in the middle of it. She does spend time with them, and in fact she's coming over the night before she moves out there. So I don't doubt her intention to continue the relationship. I think I just have this fear about how long it can be sustained, which will only be proven through time and by staying clear about whether it is working or not for both of us. So I think my posting this is really out of my fear of losing the relationship...I would love a crystal ball to see what's coming, but I suppose that would take all the fun out of it.
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on May 20, 2019 11:45:49 GMT
Thank you for the replies. I realize we need to express our needs in relationships. With raising kids, I've been dating with the caveat that I never would expect someone to move in with me -- its a big job to deal with the chaos the kids create, which my date would either had or have already done with their own kids or worse yet, if they never had kids and couldn't relate. So our arrangement seemed great. She needs her space, and I can tackle the parenting without having her in the middle of it. She does spend time with them, and in fact she's coming over the night before she moves out there. So I don't doubt her intention to continue the relationship. I think I just have this fear about how long it can be sustained, which will only be proven through time and by staying clear about whether it is working or not for both of us. So I think my posting this is really out of my fear of losing the relationship...I would love a crystal ball to see what's coming, but I suppose that would take all the fun out of it. I think you're in a time of flux - I have many kids and feel exactly the same - but am also aware that as an avoidant I use kids and work to ensure I am not in a place to have what many people would want in a relationship in terms of time together and commitment. What I was trying to explore in my post was really something of a what now.... at some point your kids will become more independent and it sounds as though hers already has. Relationships need commitment, honesty and attention in order to flourish - I don't think the long distance kills things - but what may is that relationship needs to be an active priority for both sides - sure life gets in the way, but for intimacy to continue to develop, real life needs to be woven in with it. I think that a lot of avoidants stay in the intimacy/ dating stage because it's safe - and sometimes physical distance prolongs this kind of fantasy stage in a relationship where everything feels safe enough to feel lovely - but there's some sort of unreality and maybe on both sides a failure to really address the dirty stuff - the feelings that don't feel great, the neediness maybe or the vulnerability.
I am sure she does want to continue the relationship but in order for long term relationships not to stagnate there needs to be increasing openness and honesty on both sides and the willingness and ability to prioritise the relationship - a forever dating scenario suits some avoidants very well - but often I suspect leaves their partners feeling a kind of shifting discomfort.
Anyway - as you said, time will tell - but I had a sense from your original post that you were slightly afraid to go into the feelings that this relationship have brought up - both with yourself and your partner. I may have misinterpreted so forgive me if so.
|
|
m2
New Member
Posts: 15
|
Post by m2 on Jun 11, 2019 13:16:35 GMT
Well we sort of ended things for now. She couldn't commit to a time for me to visit her within the next couple months since she expects to be so busy with getting her career to the next level. The pressure of visiting each other in the midst of that seemed too much. And I know with her communication habits (or lack thereof) it would be hard for me to feel comfortable in the relationship over long distance. My career and life is pretty stable right now, but her's is going through a huge change, so it would be hard to keep seeing each other in that context. And on top of that she's been going through a bit of an identity crisis now that her kid is an adult and moved on with her own life. We agreed we will keep in touch, but that likely just means a stray text from her once in awhile if anything. She was always a terrible texter - takes a long time to respond, often with only a few words, and rarely did we speak on the phone. She avoids confrontation seemingly at any cost, which explains why she was optimistic about our relationship right up until she got there - avoided any confrontations with me. Maybe in 3 or 6 months I'll check in on her but for now I need to let her go and do her thing. But, bigger picture, unless she can resolve a lot of her trauma a relationship with her will always be a rollercoaster and non-commital.
But, we always got along great, made each other laugh, traveled well together, great sex, highly affectionate, and she was kind to my kids and family. We never argued. We only saw each other 1-2x per week, but it was fun, and I wish it could have lasted indefinitely. Yet I always felt this unease about how long it would last because she didn't communicate much on days we didn't see each other, she was in constant emotional turmoil about her work - it was a regular topic she had to vent to me almost every time we were together. I got her some great interviews around town but no offers came out of them. She felt desperate and fearful of losing her job, so she felt she had to look outside the area. So, here we are and I was collateral damage.
So yes, it often felt like i was making more out of the relationship in my head than it really was. I wanted to believe we were in a committed, solid relationship that would go on for years and years, then we'd retire and travel the world. But it wasn't that - it was a day to day relationship held loosely together, which was safe for her. Making long term plans was frightening for her. She liked living alone in her own place in a private wooded area, spend a night or two with me per week and go back to her work/home routine where she felt safest. It took me awhile but I adjusted to her style, but it sometimes caused me a lot of anxiety for a few days when it felt like it was falling apart because she wasn't responding to me.
And I think she has no problem just ending things - it means more time to herself, and less fear about getting closer. Whereas I'm the opposite - I feel the loss of being with her, and I ruminate about what she is doing, who she might be seeing, whether she hurts as much as I do. I'll get over it with time.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 12, 2019 11:33:06 GMT
Well we sort of ended things for now. She couldn't commit to a time for me to visit her within the next couple months since she expects to be so busy with getting her career to the next level. The pressure of visiting each other in the midst of that seemed too much. And I know with her communication habits (or lack thereof) it would be hard for me to feel comfortable in the relationship over long distance. My career and life is pretty stable right now, but her's is going through a huge change, so it would be hard to keep seeing each other in that context. And on top of that she's been going through a bit of an identity crisis now that her kid is an adult and moved on with her own life. We agreed we will keep in touch, but that likely just means a stray text from her once in awhile if anything. She was always a terrible texter - takes a long time to respond, often with only a few words, and rarely did we speak on the phone. She avoids confrontation seemingly at any cost, which explains why she was optimistic about our relationship right up until she got there - avoided any confrontations with me. Maybe in 3 or 6 months I'll check in on her but for now I need to let her go and do her thing. But, bigger picture, unless she can resolve a lot of her trauma a relationship with her will always be a rollercoaster and non-commital. But, we always got along great, made each other laugh, traveled well together, great sex, highly affectionate, and she was kind to my kids and family. We never argued. We only saw each other 1-2x per week, but it was fun, and I wish it could have lasted indefinitely. Yet I always felt this unease about how long it would last because she didn't communicate much on days we didn't see each other, she was in constant emotional turmoil about her work - it was a regular topic she had to vent to me almost every time we were together. I got her some great interviews around town but no offers came out of them. She felt desperate and fearful of losing her job, so she felt she had to look outside the area. So, here we are and I was collateral damage. So yes, it often felt like i was making more out of the relationship in my head than it really was. I wanted to believe we were in a committed, solid relationship that would go on for years and years, then we'd retire and travel the world. But it wasn't that - it was a day to day relationship held loosely together, which was safe for her. Making long term plans was frightening for her. She liked living alone in her own place in a private wooded area, spend a night or two with me per week and go back to her work/home routine where she felt safest. It took me awhile but I adjusted to her style, but it sometimes caused me a lot of anxiety for a few days when it felt like it was falling apart because she wasn't responding to me. And I think she has no problem just ending things - it means more time to herself, and less fear about getting closer. Whereas I'm the opposite - I feel the loss of being with her, and I ruminate about what she is doing, who she might be seeing, whether she hurts as much as I do. I'll get over it with time. I am sorry it did not work out for the two of you....I do wish you well and this community is here in case you need a place to safely vent or mourn. |
|
|
|
Post by lovebunny on Jun 14, 2019 12:59:29 GMT
It's hard when something you wanted (or thought you wanted) falls through.
For what it's worth, I've tried LDR before, and found it very unfulfilling. It would take a lot for me to agree to trying one again, and it doesn't sound like she would've been attentive enough and dedicated enough to really make that work with you.
Maybe she was perfect for a certain time in your life, while you're raising kids and only have so much energy to give, but over the long term, chances are you would become dissatisfied with her hands-off relationship style.
I recently got dumped by an FA who tends to use her work as an excuse to disengage, so I feel your pain.
|
|
m2
New Member
Posts: 15
|
Post by m2 on Jun 14, 2019 18:09:09 GMT
It's hard when something you wanted (or thought you wanted) falls through. For what it's worth, I've tried LDR before, and found it very unfulfilling. It would take a lot for me to agree to trying one again, and it doesn't sound like she would've been attentive enough and dedicated enough to really make that work with you. Maybe she was perfect for a certain time in your life, while you're raising kids and only have so much energy to give, but over the long term, chances are you would become dissatisfied with her hands-off relationship style. I recently got dumped by an FA who tends to use her work as an excuse to disengage, so I feel your pain. Sorry to hear that. I would get that too sometimes where she had to focus on work and would need 2-3 weeks. She's basically doing that now too, but the distance makes it seem easier to permanently disengage. Although since she is DA, I can imagine in her mind 2-3 months apart should be no big deal. Even if we sort of 'ended it' (i say sort of because i told her to let me know if she wants to get away for a weekend), I'm not sure she even thought of it as a serious relationship to start with. We parted ways a couple years ago when she said out of the blue that she is going to date someone else (seemed like a sabotage move) -- I said ok, see you later! I ignored her for 4 months, then texted her and she met up with me the next day. So, I'm grieving her moving, but also carry this glimmer of hope we'll meet again given our pattern. Her b-day is coming up in a couple weeks and I'm debating whether to ignore it or send her a text? I feel like ignoring her would generate more interest than if I did given how DA's minds work. |
|
|
|
Post by lovebunny on Jun 14, 2019 20:00:52 GMT
"So, I'm grieving her moving, but also carry this glimmer of hope we'll meet again given our pattern. Her b-day is coming up in a couple weeks and I'm debating whether to ignore it or send her a text? I feel like ignoring her would generate more interest than if I did given how DA's minds work. "
Don'tcha hate this kind of game playing? Wouldn't it be great to feel comfortable reaching out to someone and getting a response without feeling stressed or conflicted or unsure about it? I just don't think relationships should be this hard. I don't want to ignore someone in hopes of generating their interest anymore, it gets old.
I guess that means I'm starting to burn out on my FA's ambivalence. She dumped me, but now she misses me, can't sleep without me, blah blah. I hate this ruminating over every word she texts, thinking everything out for hours before replying. It's exhausting and gets us nowhere.
I guess I vote don't text her! Lol. See how you feel in a couple weeks, no sense worrying about it now.
|
|
m2
New Member
Posts: 15
|
Post by m2 on Jun 14, 2019 22:11:03 GMT
It can drive you a little crazy. Her avoidant style was fine for my situation and if she had not moved it would very likely be still going on strong. I'm very stable and consistent and I could tell she was gradually opening up to that and appreciating what we shared. But it was never something she would lose sleep over or give up pursuing a better career option. And given that I have young kids it is a reasonable decision. So I guess I'm just lamenting that it ended and that she sort of enticed me with the expectation of it continuing long distance. I wasn't totally buying it but I could have made it work if she wanted to make it work, but I think its too much to expect her to put that extra effort into it. Its really no big deal to her to move on.
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jun 15, 2019 14:12:35 GMT
It's hard when something you wanted (or thought you wanted) falls through. For what it's worth, I've tried LDR before, and found it very unfulfilling. It would take a lot for me to agree to trying one again, and it doesn't sound like she would've been attentive enough and dedicated enough to really make that work with you. Maybe she was perfect for a certain time in your life, while you're raising kids and only have so much energy to give, but over the long term, chances are you would become dissatisfied with her hands-off relationship style. I recently got dumped by an FA who tends to use her work as an excuse to disengage, so I feel your pain. Sorry to hear that. I would get that too sometimes where she had to focus on work and would need 2-3 weeks. She's basically doing that now too, but the distance makes it seem easier to permanently disengage. Although since she is DA, I can imagine in her mind 2-3 months apart should be no big deal. Even if we sort of 'ended it' (i say sort of because i told her to let me know if she wants to get away for a weekend), I'm not sure she even thought of it as a serious relationship to start with. We parted ways a couple years ago when she said out of the blue that she is going to date someone else (seemed like a sabotage move) -- I said ok, see you later! I ignored her for 4 months, then texted her and she met up with me the next day. So, I'm grieving her moving, but also carry this glimmer of hope we'll meet again given our pattern. Her b-day is coming up in a couple weeks and I'm debating whether to ignore it or send her a text? I feel like ignoring her would generate more interest than if I did given how DA's minds work. Hi m2 Playing devils advocate - I know you've said a couple of times that you're secure, consistent and stable - but there are a few things that strike me here - firstly trying to generate more interest from her by ignoring/ playing games, not remembering birthday etc - it just doesn't ring quite right. You're trying to control the outcome here - I am assuming from what you've written that your know she's not willing at this time to put in the work to keep the relationship going in a way that meets your needs - then why try to lure her back into contact? Can you see the dance that's playing out here? That you're keeping her at arms length in order to stimulate some interest - but for what? That won't make any difference to the basic dysfunctional dynamic, but instead will continue the dance.
I can see that you want to keep things as they were - but be honest - were you really 100% happy with how it was? It sounds as though there was always some doubt in your mind - that in the present moment things were just a little shaky, but there was a hope that it would get better and so you hung in there and convinced yourself that all was well. It's easy to hide these feelings in the whirr of family life - but it did sound asthough there was something in this relationship that was preventing real intimacy from developing. Having been in a similar relationship where for a long time I thought my partner was the culprit - I now realise that in reality I was subconsciously avoiding things getting real and was an active participant in keeping a relationship that wasn't quite all there, on the road. Again that feeling that things were getting better, the living in hope of my partner changing. I might be totally wrong but most secures would not stay present in a relationship where the other person is not working on becoming the same. It's just not a satisfying dynamic.
I suppose what I am trying to say is it's worth looking at your own side of the fence - loss is difficult and sad and needs to be mourned. But maybe the biggest rewards come from looking at your own part in this - rather than trying to behave so as to attract an incompatible partner back into the fold.
|
|
m2
New Member
Posts: 15
|
Post by m2 on Jun 15, 2019 17:34:13 GMT
Thanks for the reply - I can see your point. A lot of this is me acting out my own insecurities. If I was more secure I'd move on from this without writing on this forum. In the past if she couldn't see me for a couple weeks it would trigger anxiety in me. For example, once she said she really had to focus on work and asked if it was ok if I didn't see her for a couple weeks or so while she dealt with it...i immediately thought she was trying to phase me out of her life, even though I knew we had a couple trips planned in the next month. I asked if there was anything behind her needing time and she lashed out at me via text that she always has needed space and I need to allow her to be her, and she totally understands if that's not what I want. So I lost some sleep over it until she texted me back after about 10 days to get together and she acted like it was no big deal at all.
But I just loved her personality, our chemistry, sense of humor, how easy it was to be affectionate, and while her avoidant style irked me sometimes I understood it and accommodated it. And I felt I had good reason to feel more secure in the relationship as it progressed this past 12 months because it felt like our bond had deepened through what seemed was her increased acceptance of me in her life: we had dinner with my mother and others in my extended family, she spent time with my kids, she began participating in my kids b-days and attended holidays with us, and we took several trips together - she was feeling like part of the family. And she was gradually opening up too -- saying she loved me more often unsolicited, that I made her happy, preferring just to snuggle at home rather than go out on the town, she invited me on trips with her daughter and another one with her group of friends, we were even considering taking a trip with my kids to meet her extended family later this summer; I mean, compared to a year ago it really felt like there as a strong bond forming, and I was feeling like I was increasingly getting my needs met from the relationship, so I was optimistic about the future even though we didn't make long term plans. So in essence, she was opening up, becoming closer, and I was getting less anxious and more trusting in her as a partner.
However her willingness to drop all of this for a desperate career move really disappointed me, but made sense in the context of her avoidant attachment style. I think a large part of her avoidant style is a strong survival instinct which overrides any sort of comfort she is getting from a relationship. She is fearful of trusting someone in a relationship given all of the trauma she has experienced with people she's relied upon in the past. And the risk of losing her job triggered a survival instinct in her to find the next job she could secure, either here or elsewhere. It happened to be elsewhere this time. She likely would have continued to see me if she had been offered a job here. So its been very challenging for me to reconcile that survival instinct and willingness to drop her life here with how the relationship between us had been strengthening. I realize as an avoidant she is wired differently than me and can rationalize moving and detaching from me, but doesn't make it feel any better!
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jun 15, 2019 21:03:23 GMT
Thanks for the reply - I can see your point. A lot of this is me acting out my own insecurities. If I was more secure I'd move on from this without writing on this forum. In the past if she couldn't see me for a couple weeks it would trigger anxiety in me. For example, once she said she really had to focus on work and asked if it was ok if I didn't see her for a couple weeks or so while she dealt with it...i immediately thought she was trying to phase me out of her life, even though I knew we had a couple trips planned in the next month. I asked if there was anything behind her needing time and she lashed out at me via text that she always has needed space and I need to allow her to be her, and she totally understands if that's not what I want. So I lost some sleep over it until she texted me back after about 10 days to get together and she acted like it was no big deal at all. But I just loved her personality, our chemistry, sense of humor, how easy it was to be affectionate, and while her avoidant style irked me sometimes I understood it and accommodated it. And I felt I had good reason to feel more secure in the relationship as it progressed this past 12 months because it felt like our bond had deepened through what seemed was her increased acceptance of me in her life: we had dinner with my mother and others in my extended family, she spent time with my kids, she began participating in my kids b-days and attended holidays with us, and we took several trips together - she was feeling like part of the family. And she was gradually opening up too -- saying she loved me more often unsolicited, that I made her happy, preferring just to snuggle at home rather than go out on the town, she invited me on trips with her daughter and another one with her group of friends, we were even considering taking a trip with my kids to meet her extended family later this summer; I mean, compared to a year ago it really felt like there as a strong bond forming, and I was feeling like I was increasingly getting my needs met from the relationship, so I was optimistic about the future even though we didn't make long term plans. So in essence, she was opening up, becoming closer, and I was getting less anxious and more trusting in her as a partner. However her willingness to drop all of this for a desperate career move really disappointed me, but made sense in the context of her avoidant attachment style. I think a large part of her avoidant style is a strong survival instinct which overrides any sort of comfort she is getting from a relationship. She is fearful of trusting someone in a relationship given all of the trauma she has experienced with people she's relied upon in the past. And the risk of losing her job triggered a survival instinct in her to find the next job she could secure, either here or elsewhere. It happened to be elsewhere this time. She likely would have continued to see me if she had been offered a job here. So its been very challenging for me to reconcile that survival instinct and willingness to drop her life here with how the relationship between us had been strengthening. I realize as an avoidant she is wired differently than me and can rationalize moving and detaching from me, but doesn't make it feel any better! m2 - no it doesn't make it feel any better.... You seem very aware - and these relationships are the most difficult of all, the most challenging to understand and let go. It's fine to be disappointed and whilst attachment style explains her behaviour, this doesn't in any way demean your sadness and disappointment. It really is so difficult to accept when there is so much that is good.
It's such a tough balance, being understanding of another person's behaviour whilst not allowing ourselves to be steamrollered by their issues.
Because she seems to care very little doesn't mean that's actually the case - my ex avoidant partner returned and explained that when we separated, he told himself a story to make himself feel better, somewhere along the lines that this separation was something that I wanted and therefore he was going to make it as obvious as possible that he was just fine and getting on with his life - and that, from the outside was how it appeared. Fast forward to recently and he told me that underneath that was a denial of emotions and a fear to really let what he was actually feeling be acknowledged.
I don't think it ever helps to look into anyone elses head - but it may help to realise that her behaviour may not be all that it seems.
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jun 15, 2019 21:05:23 GMT
The other thing to add, is that being a partner to an avoidant person tends to bring out anxious behaviour even in the most secure of people. Attachment styles certainly have a situation component. Most people would be triggered by what you've been through - intimacy requires vulnerability and it's not safe to be vulnerable with someone who's behaviour doesn't quite add up.
|
|
