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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2019 15:42:42 GMT
Just a bit of well meaning advice from the other side.
Let this drama GO.
It's done. Let go of what he said. He's not a gem. He's just a dude that doesn't have his shit together.
When you really understand that your problem has not much to do with other people but with how you think and behave and choose, then you will clearly see that it's the same the other way round. He's got his own life path and is drinking instead of doing something else and it's all just so much drama.
You have to learn how to do better and that starts by realizing you chose according to your own limited beliefs. There are lots of helpful resources to heal and I hope you take advantage of them and make yourself happier .
This changes when you change it. Best to you! Everyone makes their own destiny with this stuff. You can improve your relationships from the inside out.
For now it seems like this whole thing is a barroom drama that doesn't serve you to look back on. It's been a mess. Like all of our histories. We all have messes behind us. Let it go.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2019 15:51:29 GMT
And I'm not saying it's easy to let go. Just like if you know you need a degree to get the career you want, you decide to get the degree and do what it takes to accomplish the goal. You don't spend the time you need for studying on riding roller coasters and eating marshmallows. If you want to move past something you really do need to make a decision about what your path is going to be and then work daily at accomplishing it. l If you aren't able to let go you find out how. My experience is that you have to try something new to achieve something new. I know you are doing that the best you are able right now I'm just encouraging you to drop the circular drama in your mind , you can't make sense out of all of it it just is, it's what happened, and it's dysfunctional.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 1, 2019 18:19:20 GMT
@sherry thank you for your reply. you aren't the first one to say he seems to have a lot of drama going on or that's it's all drama.
it could be seen as barroom drama now that I think about it ...i just didn't realize it was or how much time he spent there to the point his coworkers even go there . so it's as if it's his world in a sad and as you said dysfunctional way.
i just wish i could get my mind to forget how supportive and helpful he was and how he pretended to be more stable. we did have nice conversations and he was the first guy that wasn't combative. my mind needs to let go of the fake him
I still have a lot of work to do obviously , but i did immediately get into therapy, quit drinking , worked on pressing issues in my life but thoughts still creep in.
it's tough because i still would like to be able to go there, not to drink but to grab food or even shop...as when i have treatment on my spine it's a halfway point for me ....i think in time i won't even care if he's there but for now it's tough.
my longterm goal is to move out of this area and state and to a warmer climate so in time he will be really in my past
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2019 19:15:10 GMT
@sherry thank you for your reply. you aren't the first one to say he seems to have a lot of drama going on or that's it's all drama. it could be seen as barroom drama now that I think about it ...i just didn't realize it was or how much time he spent there to the point his coworkers even go there . so it's as if it's his world in a sad and as you said dysfunctional way. i just wish i could get my mind to forget how supportive and helpful he was and how he pretended to be more stable. we did have nice conversations and he was the first guy that wasn't combative. my mind needs to let go of the fake him I still have a lot of work to do obviously , but i did immediately get into therapy, quit drinking , worked on pressing issues in my life but thoughts still creep in. it's tough because i still would like to be able to go there, not to drink but to grab food or even shop...as when i have treatment on my spine it's a halfway point for me ....i think in time i won't even care if he's there but for now it's tough. my longterm goal is to move out of this area and state and to a warmer climate so in time he will be really in my past You're taking the right steps. And for more perspective: as you get healthier you will realize that good conversation with a non combative person is not THAT special it is just enjoyable, and normal for functional people. Of course you will want to enjoy that with a future partner but if it's your big ticket item that has you hooked on him, you can see that your bar has been too low due to your painful conditioning. It is the most basic of things and real compatibility will involve emotional stability, sobriety or non-problematic enjoyment of adult beverages, good mental health and a balanced life with a purpose. Being non-combative may just be passivity. It's not a noble trait it's just not a combative trait. You can read more into it but really it just means that he got along well with you for a time and then went to his cave. It could mean he avoids confrontation, doesn't care, is genuinely pleasant with a buzz, or without a buzz, or just had a good day for reasons that may or may not be meaningful or sustainable. It's not enough to turn over in your head- it's just not. You sound like you're on the right path. Good for you! |
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mamut
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Post by mamut on Jun 2, 2019 0:17:43 GMT
stuckinamoment hey, I hear ya. I'm pissed at my ex for coming back when he knew he didn't want a relationship and also knew that I did. I am also pissed at me for letting him come back that easily. I'm just sitting here with that anger because I know there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe he just wanted to give it a try to be sure and realized he couldn't. I was doing the same. Maybe I was just convenient for him, time will tell if he's an a*hole or not. What I'm trying to say is, we all have issues and handle things differently and sometimes we make mistakes. Depending on those actions, we lose or gain people in our life. We choose to, in the end. It doesn't really matter why he did what he did, what matters is how you decide to deal with it. You're taking all the right steps for you, and that's what counts.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 2, 2019 16:28:39 GMT
thanks @sherry -- it wasn't just that he wasn't combative. it was the good energy and vibe i felt around him and even via his texts...always upbeat and happy to hear from me and positive, caring supportive. he also wasn't like most guys i've met that are overally sexual. It's rare to meet a guy that doesn't want just sex ..i've even been told by a few guys no one dates anymore. he also opened car doors and wasn't afraid of PDA , he was very affectionate.
he also was respectful, didn't whine about my meals being too pricey ..obviously if i saw dysfunction i would have ran .. i had my eyes wide open which is why this hurts the most. and i haven't met only guys at a bar either the last three guys i've gone out with i met other ways.
he has admitted hes passive sage which i also liked until it seems now he's not as passive as my text to reach out was ignored. next week it will be two months since we bumped into each other and he asked for space to handle his life. it hurts that my texts aren't replied to and he's not even happy to hear from me.... he's right in that we both enjoyed the feeling of being liked that's part of this too.
i have no problems meeting guys, infact i met someone that wanted to date me but i saw some flags and backed off plus i'm not ready now that this crashed down as it did. he was more caring and understanding type and i felt comfortable with him but it was just different two others were pushy for sex or making sex jokes and one criticized my outfit ..i wasn't even interested in them and obviously they were not attractive qualities.
so overall that's what keeps me hooked on him the feeling i had the great energy, the common interests and views about life ..that for me is hard to find.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 2, 2019 16:32:51 GMT
Oh how I know the feeling of a tornado... the rejection, stonewalling, etc. Its a gift to be on the other side though as much pain as he caused. Its changed my life in a good way 10 fold. Ive been Red Pilled in so many ways. thanks for your reply. i hope that one day I will get to the other side. I know this has changed my life as i never met someine like this ... the sudden rejection, being ignored ... next week will be two months since we ran into each other guess that's not enough space for him i'm just hurt I hope to be red pilled soon ..i feel myself getting there but also see myself waiting for the text since he said he would reach out |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 2, 2019 16:42:01 GMT
stuckinamoment hey, I hear ya. I'm pissed at my ex for coming back when he knew he didn't want a relationship and also knew that I did. I am also pissed at me for letting him come back that easily. I'm just sitting here with that anger because I know there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe he just wanted to give it a try to be sure and realized he couldn't. I was doing the same. Maybe I was just convenient for him, time will tell if he's an a*hole or not. What I'm trying to say is, we all have issues and handle things differently and sometimes we make mistakes. Depending on those actions, we lose or gain people in our life. We choose to, in the end. It doesn't really matter why he did what he did, what matters is how you decide to deal with it. You're taking all the right steps for you, and that's what counts. I ageee with that, that we all have issues and sometimes we gain or lose people by our actions. i'm hurt ruined any trust that was left by saying to let him reach out to me and next week will be two months and so far nothing from him and my attempt was ignored. he didn't used to ignore me so it's just getting to be too crazy for me. I also see this is why he hardly has friends ..a person can't treat others so poorly and then expect them to still be on a shelf when they want to talk or interact. we all have lives and stuff going on and he knew all i was handling and added to my hurt. bottom line is he's no longer on the same vibration as me in that he can't or won't see his part or try to improve himself. its just him, his avoidance, and bottle of wine. i will be going to the store this week as the delivery arrived warm and so somethings i cannot safely eat. if he's there i don't care ..we all are adults he can run like a child ..i can't keep avoiding a store like i have been. we made out, kissed or whatever three times ..it's crazy to avoid a store because he can't handle his life. i tried to reach out to make it less awkward he just doesn't care...so why should i. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2019 13:25:41 GMT
stuckinamoment hey, I hear ya. I'm pissed at my ex for coming back when he knew he didn't want a relationship and also knew that I did. I am also pissed at me for letting him come back that easily. I'm just sitting here with that anger because I know there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe he just wanted to give it a try to be sure and realized he couldn't. I was doing the same. Maybe I was just convenient for him, time will tell if he's an a*hole or not. What I'm trying to say is, we all have issues and handle things differently and sometimes we make mistakes. Depending on those actions, we lose or gain people in our life. We choose to, in the end. It doesn't really matter why he did what he did, what matters is how you decide to deal with it. You're taking all the right steps for you, and that's what counts. I ageee with that, that we all have issues and sometimes we gain or lose people by our actions. i'm hurt ruined any trust that was left by saying to let him reach out to me and next week will be two months and so far nothing from him and my attempt was ignored. he didn't used to ignore me so it's just getting to be too crazy for me. I also see this is why he hardly has friends ..a person can't treat others so poorly and then expect them to still be on a shelf when they want to talk or interact. we all have lives and stuff going on and he knew all i was handling and added to my hurt. bottom line is he's no longer on the same vibration as me in that he can't or won't see his part or try to improve himself. its just him, his avoidance, and bottle of wine. i will be going to the store this week as the delivery arrived warm and so somethings i cannot safely eat. if he's there i don't care ..we all are adults he can run like a child ..i can't keep avoiding a store like i have been. we made out, kissed or whatever three times ..it's crazy to avoid a store because he can't handle his life. i tried to reach out to make it less awkward he just doesn't care...so why should i. This is a predictable phase of anger/ contempt. It's interesting how all the insecure styles get fed up with each other. As if it wasn't just you, your issues, and alcohol a short time ago. We've all been there, though, self righteous to some extent and finding more fault with the other person than with ourselves. You're early in this process though so humility might serve you best as you explore your own insecurity that had you attaching to an malcoholic. |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 4, 2019 16:46:11 GMT
@sherry i think for me i'm not so much blaming him, but seeing how he really is now. I didn't see him as an alcoholic because he hides it very well. I'm used to the guys that drink ten beers at a bar and those types i stay away from because i was involved with an alcoholic years back..like almost twenty years now.
so ive stayed away from them. the most i've seen him drink is two to three drinks. However, I recent realized and put pieces together that when they would pour him the last bit of wine it was because he bought the bottle. other things as well like when i bumped into him and he seemed to feel he had to make excuses for being out. Also the nite he told me of the ghost he said after all we have been drinking. again i only saw him have three drinks and i had two. Again now that i've seen him out that one saturday , he most likely was there earlier drinking the nite of the ghost. for all i know he drinks a bottle before even going out
so for me i was in way too deep when all this was found out.... i wrongly assumed he was working and successful and just stopped in now and then to get out of his apartment.
it wasn't like i was there daily and could see him drinking it always seemed like he just made time to stop out when i was out that way...
thats what hurts the most....i fell for a person that doesn't exist
hes not the successful researcher
he's not a nice caring person
he doesn't have his life in order and all he's missing is a woman to share life with
he doesn't want a relationship like he claimed he did
he doesn't want to help as he claimed
hes not stable
hes an emotional mess
despite him pretending to have his life in order his life is no less of s mess than my own
that's where my anger is today ...that he lied and faked being what i was looking for and pursued me when i asked for space and now i'm axed as he has no bandwidth when he is the one that faked it all.
i really am at a loss at how how i can see thru a person other than go back to trusting no one at all again.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2019 18:55:04 GMT
i'm not sure what this means if anything but after my last relationship i found relief with drinking . i'm not sure if it was the drinking or the socialization after that last breakup because i would go out that's myself to a meal and have a few drinks. i met some new people and really felt like i fit in... vs now where i avoid alcohol as it reminds me of the current guy and how triggered i was while drinking . the nite he told me of his ghost x and called me another name --and i had a mini emotional meltdown --- a nite of drinking the nite i over texted him and he kept saying his life wasn't his oown right now and it had nothing to do with me i didn't believe him as i felt he was working late to escape his ghost the day we met as just friends and ended up kissing he bought me groceries --- we had a few drinks the nite i confronted him and despite his attempts to calm me down i still pressed for answers ..i then stayed after he left and talked to strangers for advice ---drinking the nite he axed me after i asked for closure i went out and had the bartender confront me about the above night before and said i'm leaning towards undesirable men with issues (she didn't mean him) i felt like i was being spied on etc we had one fun nite out with drinking and he opened up a ton to me and that was the last time we were out i had one drink satrday and texted him drinking again i took six weeks break from drinking and since mid march haven't drank but two drinks . the last time i bumped into him i had one drink and even that made me press for answers and i was triggered because he ignored my texts and ran out i could have bumped into him saturday but avoided him...i wasn't drinking so wasn't triggered or wanting to press. if he ever does come back i'm making sure i'm not drinking ...i will sit with water if i have to we used to hang out as friend for three months just fine and drank ...the energy was great and that's what i miss i believed he would reach out , but now that looks doubtful he drinks daily , but he's not the type to reach out while drinking i guess maybe the negative impacts of me drinking are fresh in my mind that i'm not using it to get over him and instead i'm sitting with my feelings i wish he would just reach out so he could see it wouldn't escalate again into kissing because i won't drink around him again and if we bump into each other and i am drinking i won't say much and ask to talk another time. so basically until we kissed and had the intense connection we could drink together. i've never experienced anything like this I don't really understand your perspective, as there is so much drinking described in this post. As for how to get a good perspective of who a person really is, I would suggest being sober while you get to know them. I really see the pot calling the kettle black here and your own illusions are what you need to question. If you can approach getting to know someone from a different angle than as a drinking buddy you can develop adequate levels of trust for your own judgement, don't you think? You met a man in a bar and drank with him and that's what you describe here. This is very different from getting to know someone and learning their character over time. All the charm and niceness sounds like a country song to me- a nice little facade behind which two people share drinks. Am I missing something here? |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2019 21:16:06 GMT
I've definitely been in the position of being hamstring by my own illusions, I've encountered my shadow in the men I've dated many many times. So, I'm not coming from a position of unfamiliarity with this. As I have developed a stronger sense of myself and my responsibilities to myself and others, I have had to remove my own blinders. The best way to love and respect is to love and respect yourself enough to be present, aware; and accountable. That's what I have learned. Learning it means that at some point I didn't know it, couldn't see it. That's the biggest problem with being cut off from your own self. Insecure people are out of touch with themselves to the degree that they long for or avoid others, I guess.
Anyway, the biggest red flags are usually in our own unskillful approach to a person or situation. Speaking from experience as a fellow insecurely attached individual who is finding my way also.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 4, 2019 23:40:26 GMT
I've definitely been in the position of being hamstring by my own illusions, I've encountered my shadow in the men I've dated many many times. So, I'm not coming from a position of unfamiliarity with this. As I have developed a stronger sense of myself and my responsibilities to myself and others, I have had to remove my own blinders. The best way to love and respect is to love and respect yourself enough to be present, aware; and accountable. That's what I have learned. Learning it means that at some point I didn't know it, couldn't see it. That's the biggest problem with being cut off from your own self. Insecure people are out of touch with themselves to the degree that they long for or avoid others, I guess. Anyway, the biggest red flags are usually in our own unskillful approach to a person or situation. Speaking from experience as a fellow insecurely attached individual who is finding my way also. i get what you are saying ..i'm not that good at expressing what happened over text, but i will try again. i met him and was not looking at all for anything other than a person to meet and share a drink and conversation with of which i kept it that way until i was at a bad place in my life dealing with betrayal from one of my parents which looking back was a trigger to me being an AP and also the sudden injury to my back. however when i say i drank i mean one to two drinks maybe once or twice a month if that so when i was getting to know him more via text i was sober and most of the time i had maybe one drink in the 3-4 months we were just friends i'm fully aware that drinking more than one drink when we were kissing and more than friends was an issue. i'm now basically a recluse because there aren't many places around here to even socialize and meet people and when i met him that's the one place i would go to just get out amongst people difference is i was happy being alone and now i'm not. and even in my oast when i didnt get to know guys over drinks things still dint go well so imo i don't think it's the drinking more than it's why i'm attracted to avoidants still i stand by this guy did hide himself and it wasn't because he was drinking |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 16, 2019 18:03:02 GMT
i think i've now become avoidant. I used to enjoy talking to strangers and hung out and now i find i feel uncomfortable when out and can't wait to either run to my car or back home again. I can just stay alone for days and weeks. i feel like i've lost a huge part of myself i just have nowhere to talkabiut anything.
i have this wounded feeling and it's not just from my x but from my mother as well.
i have no trust for anyone anymore either all i see are damaged people all around me.
my therapist texted me that she thinks we need to work on moving in from my x ...well that's what i tried to discuss with her three monthsbackwhen she kept saying to focus inward i only ever talked about him in one session. all of it is mostly online online therapy has pros and cons i'm starting to think maybe i need someine i can sit withand discuss all this with. it would get me out if the house too.
i feel lost as to how to become more securely attached because i really felt like i was before all this happened.
i also can't belive i let this happen.l.let someone so damaged have such an impact on me because once again I trusted so now i trust no one.
tomorrow i decided i will go back to the place i met my x at just like i always have in the past when out that way. i'm not the same person so even if he's there i will sit alone by myself. i'm not sure if these feelings are normal i just find that interacting with people is a waste
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 18, 2019 2:31:04 GMT
my therapist has me keeping a daily log of things i'm thankful for daily because i'm going thru so many frustrations currently.
well today i'm thankful for the group and for taking the last three months to be by myself and work on me even if it felt like i was losing myself at times.
today i took myself to lunch and had my appointment tonite and she was proud of me that my spine and muscles are so much better she did have to adjust a few things , but it wasn't as bad as i thought
i also did almost bump into to the x, his car was at the place , but i wanted to first see if the staff member that yelled at me was working ..she's part of the stupid drama that made me feel paranoid mostly as a trigger of something from my past but also how out of line she was ...she wasn't there, but by the time i went down there he was gone .
i sat and had some ice water and then left.
what i found out later is my x was so drunk one nite he was offered a ride home by one of the staff... this aquaintence of mine found it odd as he said my x is just so reserved usually and he's never seen him that bad before . i can say i never did either not there anyway that was the place he put on the act he had it all together .
the staff that yelled at me was fired
i was hoping to clear the air tonite , but again i missed him. each time though i find out a lil more about him.
i never would be in a relationship with him...i never wanted one to begin with....whatever is going on with him is hisnonw to work on just like i'm working on myself. i now see that he chose to drink himself to taint is own false image even instead of dealing with his issues.
the thing is i used to be more avoidant and needed to escape ...but now i express how i'm feeling. if i'm depressed i say it ..and i'm ok sitting with water. i don't want to escape ..i can't escape i need to deal and handle my issues all of them. i can't sit with a drink to delay my pain and problems...that was me six months ago ..not who i am now.
i still care and i am concerned about him of course , but i can't help him ...i learned that in my past and i never will do so again.
so tonite i think i realized that i have grown despite not thinking that I have.
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