he's so fond of me he ignores me and runs

i figured i will post this here instead of starting a new thread as this has become my log of sorts.

so yesterday i was very hopeful about a situation i'm trying to focus on at my therapist suggestion to focus on what i can control.  so thru the pride event i attended i was given this awesome facebook group where neighbors help neighbors  so i got the idea to post for help with the housing issue that has plagued me for years now ...
my mom abandoned me back in december .decided she wasn't mivmg out of state and she basically chose her bf...of course her side of it blames me for it all... it's why my x was s important to me as he was very supportive and his support really helped when i was left abandoned 
im not sure to this day he really knows that as i'm not good with expressing positive feelings 
i know this comes from how my parents treated me and it's up to me to change that and i'm working on it,  

anyway so she still has her stuff at a place i own and yesterday i posted for help...well i guess my dad who i assume told her and as he does twisted things ...  i thought he would have been happy 
so today he flipped out on me and then soon after he left my mom sends abusive texts with threats 

the old me would have reacted and blown up, but this new me knows that's part of my attachment woundand there is just no need.  so i calmly expressed myself to my father , but could not find words to text my mother ... i felt i huge sense of being overwhelmed , attacked and abandoned all over again .    
pin the midst of the chaos the two guys from where i met my x were trying to contact me and we'll i just couldn't answer .....and i got to thinking maybe this is what my x goes thru sometimes and why maybe he just can't reply   

if there is one thing my x taught me it was to not reply right away... i used to think i always had to reply immediately and that is just not the case.  i don't need to react at all or get triggered into replying.   
im still missing my x tonite , but he's dealing with too much to reach out and i'm dealing with to much to even go out socially   i don't want to escape i just need to deal with all this. 

its my family dynamics and why i'm stretched so thin  always expecting the worst in people.   yesterday was a huge step and my parents crushed it today so i will just take some more time and regroup     it's tough when the attachment theory is played out almost daily 

just an update of sorts ..nothing directly about my x as i've been busy just working on myself ....but the other nite I decided to log into a social media site i haven't been on in a year ....imkeft dor many reasons that are not real relevant, there was a guy i was friendly with on there and really enjoyed our talks. for three years we would talk daily ... they were known to get anxious and delete accounts and i just let them do their thing and they would come back it never ever bothered me. thru the years they deleted snap, twitter , live streaming and the most recent two years ago the only email i had for them. the deletions never had anything to do with me and never bothered me.

well fast forward to the other day i logged on and can't find them anywhere so i msg two people that i knew they last talked to and they also lost contact. they of course see nothing strange that he hasn't been around all year ...it's not his normal pattern ....and of course now i'm wishing i kept in better touch when i had to take a break because i was dealing with a breakup from an abusive x two years back.... this friend kept reaching out on messenger and i was not in a place to always reply ... i did reply to emails
last we talked was on the site last year ...because they deleted all msgs they send me are gone too and they never changed names again

it's interesting that now it feels like i'm triggered because i can't find him ...like reality is he's probably gone for good

but what i din it is ...is i know more now about attachment ...i'm more aware and i also have less people i talk to now than in the past so i'm not as distracted ..i also really have missed them but it's like i didn't realize it until all the memories came back, the old msgs etc and the fact they aren't on the site and no one has their contact info.
so now it's all to real .

i still of course could be feeling triggered by my x and thus more aware.... for years i was ok with the deleted accounts, name changes etc because they always cycled ...i remember one other member was immediately concerned they would never find him again ..... but i never had that concern i was so not aware back then

anyway as i sat with this tonite i realized i was avoidant two years ago when i pushed him away and he just didn't understand stil that's not why he deleted and ran off and that isn't an excuse to do so. i do miss him but i could have handled that better too...said ok look unless u keep an email account and stop deleting we can't talk anymore .

it was over the top looking back i think i was a tad too naive i wouldn't tolerate multiple deletions now sure if they need space but not totally delete

they were very attached to me too so for them to just go and not try and reach out in a year is odd one rumor is they have a girlfriend now...who knows all i know is i miss them and it's just yet another lesson to learn this year . i'm not sure if i felt more secure back then and thus allowed such craziness or i'd i didn't see the potential for losing contact this post is all over the place but needed to get it out there because it was an anynonmous forum rarely do we have real names of the people on it another lesson to get a number etc

oddly enough after i found this friend is gone all feelings for my x left me....i'm not sure what i ever saw attractive about my x we didn't have conversations like i had with this friend not even close . overall i feel more healed with my x but finding this friend gone has impacted me a bit ...i'm rather surprised