|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 18, 2019 10:16:28 GMT
So...your initial posts are gone and I don’t have the history....but if you are AP....then it makes sense that as you grapple with the disappointment of the end of this relationship that you would swing to the avoidant side for a bit to protect yourself. It also is very normal to start looking at the person you had idealized and start to “fault find” as a way to see that person more realistically. I think this is something that is a bit foreign to those on the avoidant side of the spectrum and looks very much like blame when for someone with AP the purpose is to stop living with this perception that the other person was so wonderful and we were the problem (which is just as unhealthy but understandable). I do want to say that it is perfectly fine to be where you are now....and I do wish you well on your journey.
|
|
mamut
Full Member
Posts: 212
|
Post by mamut on Jun 18, 2019 10:39:14 GMT
stuckinamoment I'm actually glad you didn't bump into him. Especially if he's going through something emotional, I don't think that would do you any good. Why not try going there with a friend next time? You still have feelings for him, and that's only natural, but to be honest, the best time to meet up with an ex is when you don't have the need to do so. I honestly would avoid mine if I could. When I still have feelings for someone, I still tend to analyze everything. Fortunately, this time I analyzed his actions in way that was negative for him, but I have to admit that if his actions were different, let's say that he wanted to talk about us or whatever, I don't know what I would've done. This is one reason I think it's a good idea to bring a friend with you. I knew I didn't want to do anything stupid, but in the small chance I would've, I had my friend there to "save" me.
|
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 18, 2019 10:57:30 GMT
So...your initial posts are gone and I don’t have the history....but if you are AP....then it makes sense that as you grapple with the disappointment of the end of this relationship that you would swing to the avoidant side for a bit to protect yourself. It also is very normal to start looking at the person you had idealized and start to “fault find” as a way to see that person more realistically. I think this is something that is a bit foreign to those on the avoidant side of the spectrum and looks very much like blame when for someone with AP the purpose is to stop living with this perception that the other person was so wonderful and we were the problem (which is just as unhealthy but understandable). I do want to say that it is perfectly fine to be where you are now....and I do wish you well on your journey. thanks for your reply i've been following your posts on here and they have helped me a lot. my original post is under dismissive avoidant titled is he a DA. basically ended three months ago when i forced closure, he then said he had no emotional bandwidth or depth of emotion he thought he would have and was also having trouble getting past his ghost aka the phantom x. i never thought that meant no friendship too... last i ran into him two months ago he said he would reach out he has no bandwidth and s fond of me and doesn't think he wants to have me leave his,life dr good and would like to be friends....i of course had to get this out of him as he was running away. ive managed twice now to miss him in person mostly because i'm fearful of what to do and i sorta freeze. i've reached out twice on text just very friendly texts , short and both ignored. that's the short version there is the fact i feel he lied about who he is and sucked me in and this is now the real him or maybe he s going thru something in his life as he claims to be. I found out he was very drunk and that is not like him you summarized how i feel exactly it's not fault finding but my mind making sense of the false him vs the real him because this is not at all the guy he pretended to be even someine last nite said he seems so reserved and put together and was stunned he was so drunk ... so he has this act with everyone it seems. just hurts I fell for it for about four months so i'm processing it all... like he he said he wanted to help me, and be there for me, buy a house , get to know me better . he seemed so into me and we had good energy when we were together and have good conversation and things in common. but i was triggered when he would pull away afte a good time out i would worry he was fixating on the phantom x when he worked late and here he was driving a family member to work which he never told me. i think i triggered him when i had to cancel a date and that set off his attachment then with kissing me the phantom x came into play before it was just the phantom x and now it's he has no bandwidth and it all just makes no sense why he can't even reply to a friendly text after all these months he claimed he is fond of me and likes me. as for friendship he said he didn't know what he could offer right now because of his emotional bandwidth but he would reach out and we both needed space.... i gave him space i'm concerned he was that drunk and just concerned in general because maybe he does have deep stuff going on in his life...regardless i'm shut out. i don't want anything romantic with him just wish we could go back to what we were as friends because i hate this feeling if i ever have the courage to walk up to him in person again maybe some of this will make sense or i can have some peace. im in therapy working on myself and there he is at a bar.... he did say he thought therapy was in the cards for him ...but doesn't seem like he's done that. that's his choice he also knew i had a lot going on of which he was helping me with...i think that's what hurts me the most in the md he's like all the rest that just leave |
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 18, 2019 11:10:09 GMT
stuckinamoment I'm actually glad you didn't bump into him. Especially if he's going through something emotional, I don't think that would do you any good. Why not try going there with a friend next time? You still have feelings for him, and that's only natural, but to be honest, the best time to meet up with an ex is when you don't have the need to do so. I honestly would avoid mine if I could. When I still have feelings for someone, I still tend to analyze everything. Fortunately, this time I analyzed his actions in way that was negative for him, but I have to admit that if his actions were different, let's say that he wanted to talk about us or whatever, I don't know what I would've done. This is one reason I think it's a good idea to bring a friend with you. I knew I didn't want to do anything stupid, but in the small chance I would've, I had my friend there to "save" me. thanks, and you're right after finding out more from that aquiantence it does seem like maybe he does have a lot going on emotionally. maybe he wasn't lying afterall. I don't really have any friends that live close by to me that could go ...and if he sees me with the guy who,told me all this ...he may think we are dating because before i knew about attachment theory i wanted to try and make him see he would lose me since he was choosing the phantom x and said he would see me out dating .. that's the only person i could really go with. i'm sure my x is not doing well that his friend that worked there was fired too as she knew all about the phantom x and some of his life. he left early last nite then usual and wasn't even sitting and talking to another guy he is friendly with.... i just wonder if his one family member may have passed away even as they were in bad health. it's tough because as an AP i lean on people when i'm going thru stuff and he was there for me during a very tough time a few months back...i think part of me wants to be there for him...but of course he just won't let me in. i've shut people out recently too because i can only talk to certain friends right now and some days i'm so overwhelmed with stuff i have going on all of which he was supportive of, a part of me even feels conned because he was a person that now he isn't if i did see him out i would not even ask about us i would just act like nothing happened wouldn't even mention the texts he ignored ... i guess i had hopes we could have been friends by now since the weather is warmer but it seems maybe he's barely hanging in himself. i am concerned though if he was that drunk in public |
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 18, 2019 11:29:19 GMT
just a brief back story which i'm going to mention to my therapist that are coming into play more so now is twenty years ago an xbf and i broke up he drank a lot and ended up passing away after walking home drunk one nite ... i stayed far away from alcoholics for this reason for many years then this situation came up with the current guy who i really did not see as an alcoholic ...but now i find myself concerned similar could happen to this current x... he seems like he's drinking in excesss and has also shut me out i have no urge to help or save him though so it's not that
then a friend of mine had a guy shut her out and later he commited suicide it was tragic but she moved on with her life since he shut her out
so all this is coming into play now as i dig deeper into what is actually triggering my hurt and pain with all this
anyway just some thoughts as i process all of this
|
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 23, 2019 5:44:37 GMT
i'm becoming less avoidant now and a new version of myself.
im proud of myself tonite...i could have went to the place my x and i would meet at , last nite i by chance found out info that explains why my x cut me off and pushed me away. it makes sense but he could have explained it but he isn't in tune with himself and being an avoidant it's all he knows. he's unavailable because of this issue i found out about... and really should have never been so persistent trying to get into something with me.... i've been taking ownership for my part , but i used to try and take it for his part as well and now i clearly see it's his life and his issues
so i stayed away from there tonite
i was in another town and happened upon a pride event and was welcomed there and had fun overall getting out and mingling i did not know anyone there
i came home and saw my neighbors were having a party and even though i never met them i went over and they invited me for some food ..and then we were dancing and just having fun . they are really nice and said they could help me with a few things. turns out the one girl that was teaching me to dance has interest in me...but she doesn't speak english well.
im still working on myself so not looking for anything right now, but said i'm open for friends and teaching her English. i have an odd vibe the brother maybe interested though , but again i'm not looking and it will be just friends and neighbors and that's all
im glad that i had fun outside the place i met my x and did some socializing ..i'm hoping that if i find more people to socialize with outside of that place i won't think of him as often.
|
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 28, 2019 3:46:39 GMT
so today i was out at the usual spot because I had an urgent spine adjustment i needed to have done. I have to say that I was fully ready to see him , I feel my confidence is back and Im slowly getting back to a newer version of the old me. The thing is it was odd that he was not there at all and it felt kinda empty actually... it wasnt just him though a few people were not there.. and even someone I met a year ago was there and said the same.
The staff was happy to see me back as it has been almost four months since I sat at the actually happy hour timeframe. I saw my xs one friend and he looked my way a few times and was texting... at first I found myself wondering if he was just telling my x not to show up, but quickly changed my thoughts to myself . I think its normal to wonder where he is given he was such a huge part of my time there . I have to say I found it kinda boring without him as I do miss our conversations... or what they used to be.
My focus is on myself now and my health and other pressing issues I have.. which i find im actually ok now with just turning inward and really leaning on just me for a lot of stuff im dealing with. I do reach out to my friends in my inner circle, but mostly its just me dealing with my issues.
Im over my x in a sense that I never would get back with him in a relationship..but I do miss seeing him there where I was today.
Ive stopped thinking about him for the most part and Ive stopped rehashing the past... thats a good feeling to be at that place finally. Somedays I have to actually think and say wow I didnt even think of him.
Now when I think of him I just think of the times we did share and Im thankful for his part in that segment of my life. I do still miss the connection we had though and common interests... I can talk with others but its just not the same really.
Im still working with my therapist and I get to msg with her everyday and see sends me worksheets to work on to help me thru whatever I msg her about. I like that I can just send a quick text if Im feeling stressed or overwhelmed and she points out the fact so much of what Im dealing with is really out of my control.
Im a tad bummed that due to this health setback I have to skip some events this weekend as I was really looking forward to them and getting out and about. I had another neighbor talk to me tonight.. and I think that is my best source of connecting right now...
I just wish my health was better...sadly it seemed better when i was so upset with my x.
Im also less depressed in general which is a blessing. I feel like Im all over the place tonight.
I guess to sum it up- I feel like I finally know what It means to focus my energy inward.. because when i do so im unstopable. I also noticed less men approach me now.. sure they may smile my way... but that is all. Im seeing this as a positive that possible for once I dont have that vulnerable vibe im putting out because I no longer need anyone to try and help me escape my problems or solve them for me. This does not mean I dont get overwhelemed it just means I lean on myself and know that I have the power to solve whatever comes my way.
I do still feel my x and I will cross paths but Im not longer out looking to make that happen or worried about what will happen if it does. Im comfortable in my own skin again and I have to say it feels good.
|
|
mamut
Full Member
Posts: 212
|
Post by mamut on Jun 28, 2019 8:31:47 GMT
stuckinamoment just popped on to say that I'm so glad you're doing better! Hope you feel better soon physically!! 😊😊😊
|
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 29, 2019 3:13:59 GMT
stuckinamoment just popped on to say that I'm so glad you're doing better! Hope you feel better soon physically!! 😊😊😊 Thanks so much mamut-- i think oddly enough my anxiety about returning to the place had to do with the staff that yelled at me as if she was my mother... she was friends with my x so I assumed when she said that people talk and they dont have to know everything she meant he was talking.... I keep to myself and have pretty good boundaries with people.. so my x was the only one that knew a lot about me. So, when I heard she was gone I no longer had that extra baggage to fret over ...and I think it was more about her then my x really. Now I feel I can go there anytime I want and was welcomed back even. I just hope physically I can improve because it just reminds me of my x and how he would help and or say he would.. but overall Im happy with my return to the place and im sorta glad I could do so without him being there..after three months! thanks again as always for your support... we both are getting there |
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 30, 2019 15:52:50 GMT
so I heard from my x-- I was busy going about my morning getting ready to head out and looking for texts from a friend going ona blind date with a guy that has already canceled a few times now smh. so i just saw a few lines of it and I didnt open the entire text--- I had a gut feeling something happened and I was right .. the family member passed away... that was one of the reasons the x gave me of not having emotional bandwidth..was he had to deal with his family members declining health. Its interesting how I really dont feel joy in receiving it... its just another msg in my inbox. Like ive been posting I feel like Im in a much better place overall... I could be just friends with him ,...meaning if I saw him while out I could talk but I wouldnt want to go out with him alone at a different place , not right now. Im still focusing on getting my health back in check and doing my own thing...like today Im heading out to an event .. im going alone and im ok with that as I usually run into someone I know in that town anyway. Its another pride event and I enjoyed the last one. Ive been more relaxed overall this weekend and just let the stress of my life calm down. Im not sure when I will open the text as that maybe all it said and Im not even curious to the rest of it really... thats all I needed to see to know he is not in a good place. in a few weeks it will be four months since we went on a date... i just had to think about that one...and i think three months since we bumped into eachother when he was running from me. Im thankful for this board, getting back into therapy and giving my x space as it seems for the most part what he was dealing with was true. Its the way he handled it that is not entirely functional. I do feel sympathy for the fact his family member passed away because that is never easy to deal with and I can only imagine as an avoidant what that must be like. so I will at some point offer my condolences as I feel that will be appropriate.
So now on with the rest of my day.
|
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 30, 2019 20:31:25 GMT
well i opened the rest of the message and it has avoidant all over it . Not only did a family member pass away but he lost someonelse as well. and the same busy with work was mentioned and busy taking care of his other parent. and he said hope things work out with me and that was that , so no real asking how I am or to keep in touch.. so I assume he never really meant that at all... I think that is the AP part of me thinking that.
I went to the event and it was ok, but my spine acted up so I came back and read the msg after. I guess I still had hope we could be on friendly terms as that was how we were until he mentioned his ghost. It to me just seems like all road blocks put up so I wont even ask to meet for a drink or even mention anything about me or my life. Hes had two huge losses and wasnt handling life that well the last we spoke.
My one friend said dont even reply.... if i do it will be short with compassion for what hes going thru on the off chance this is his way of trying to reach out but im not replying today at all as im mad now at this entire situation... mad he pretended to be someone he is not.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jul 1, 2019 6:52:42 GMT
stuckinamoment, please put aside the negative feelings and reply to him. You don't have to reply to the entire message or extensively, but do express your condolences. This man is thoroughly out of touch with his feelings and just had two people in his life pass away, and reached out to tell you. Don't read into what the message means, just say something like you're sorry for the loss and would like to offer your deepest condolences, though you unfortunately can't offer more than that at this moment. And you hope things start to look up for him soon. And then just leave it at that. He isn't capable of giving you anything right now (and probably is struggling with himself and processing due to his own attachment issues), so try not to hold it against him. Just wish him well, briefly in the text and in your heart, and then choose yourself and continuing to move forward.
|
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 1, 2019 14:33:52 GMT
stuckinamoment , please put aside the negative feelings and reply to him. You don't have to reply to the entire message or extensively, but do express your condolences. This man is thoroughly out of touch with his feelings and just had two people in his life pass away, and reached out to tell you. Don't read into what the message means, just say something like you're sorry for the loss and would like to offer your deepest condolences, though you unfortunately can't offer more than that at this moment. And you hope things start to look up for him soon. And then just leave it at that. He isn't capable of giving you anything right now (and probably is struggling with himself and processing due to his own attachment issues), so try not to hold it against him. Just wish him well, briefly in the text and in your heart, and then choose yourself and continuing to move forward. thanks alexandra that's great advice... i guess there was always part of me that held out hope and believe him when he said we could be friends even despite all i have read about attachment and that's because he started off so normal with me ..always asking how i was doing and happy to hear from me and so supportive and even didn't want me to move out of state and now look ...today i'm waking up sad... sad it's just words on a screen really ...sad he will just want texts from his phantom x, so why even bother .... i wanted to write something like. im sorry for your loss and would like to offer my deepest condolences but then i wanted to add i'm there if he needs me and hope things start to look up for him soon. i was going to ask about his work but again i feel like why even bother it just really sux as like i said i always had hope we would return to just hanging out when i was out his way like old times ... i'm mad at myself too when i was going thru so much he kept checking in and i allowed it im not in too great of a place right now |
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 1, 2019 15:04:53 GMT
and then my therapist replied and said something like i can hold compassion for him but also know he has the same pattern of excuses for not being in touch. which is true always busy with work etc...
a few years ago i met a guy a few days after his dad passed away and he seemed unphased by it ...i just remembered that he was somewhat of an avoidant and just didn't have his life together but wasn't as bad as this x is
|
|
|
|
Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 2, 2019 1:08:37 GMT
after i took some time and thought about it more i sent the reply. i realized he usually would not go into details much and would just say life is complicated...so i sent it ..it's sad in that will be my last text to him, but overall i feel better about some of what happened with us. he just had way too much going on in his life to be able to cope with being triggered when we got close and the phantom x being part of the mix. thanks for the advice and support ... i will continue to move forward , i'm confident if we do see each other things will go ok.
sure i wish he could have remained a causal friend ...but there is no way he could handle that right now. he knows how to reach me if he ever cares to resume meeting now and then to talk. i doubt that will ever happen.
i expect no reply and do not want one .
i still hav to wrk on being mad still at how he hid that he worked to avoid his life... he acted like he took work very casually and even said he could d what he wanted to do with no boss ..
im proud of myself for allowing space, working out some of my issues ...i know i still have a lot to work on, but overall i didn't act on my triggers and i allowed space and time to do the rest.
now if only my physical health can improve.
|
|
