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Post by lisasb on Jul 9, 2019 16:53:56 GMT
Hi everyone I’m new to this forum and as I’ve seen below most persons are here because they have been hurt somewhat by a FA, this is my first time dealing with such a personality and I’m confused and sympathize with them but they are downright toxic, this guy I’m speaking about must be a super duper FA. I’m sorry I didn’t get away from him a few months ago but I’m in healthcare and recognize that he’s very sick mentally. He started to withdraw and give me insults and wouldn’t have sex at all anymore, seems as if they are attracted to the newness of the relationship. I got tired of walking on eggshells and revealed what information I had found online youtu.be/nJJJpvJ2TAc I find her a very sympathetic therapist and thought he could try listening to her. Well it back fired and for the first time in 7 months he has blocked me, my question is why would a FA react in this way. Why not just say this is not me and I don’t want you to send me anything like this again. I’m dumbfounded....
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Post by alexandra on Jul 9, 2019 17:12:40 GMT
Hi everyone I’m new to this forum and as I’ve seen below most persons are here because they have been hurt somewhat by a FA, this is my first time dealing with such a personality and I’m confused and sympathize with them but they are downright toxic, this guy I’m speaking about must be a super duper FA. I’m sorry I didn’t get away from him a few months ago but I’m in healthcare and recognize that he’s very sick mentally. He started to withdraw and give me insults and wouldn’t have sex at all anymore, seems as if they are attracted to the newness of the relationship. I got tired of walking on eggshells and revealed what information I had found online youtu.be/nJJJpvJ2TAc I find her a very sympathetic therapist and thought he could try listening to her. Well it back fired and for the first time in 7 months he has blocked me, my question is why would a FA react in this way. Why not just say this is not me and I don’t want you to send me anything like this again. I’m dumbfounded.... You can't force someone to hear this before they're ready. If any of it rings true, their defense mechanisms are going to kick in and anger is not an uncommon response. Even if not, if you don't have a close, stable, trusting friendship/relationship, it's hard to share information like that without it sounding like an attack or like you're trying to change that person. How would you feel on the receiving end, especially when there's already tension with the person? Plus, if he is FA, that inherently means he's got communication challenges and difficulty connecting to himself to figure out his feelings, so you can't expect him to respond in the way you would, or the way someone more secure would. Dealing with FA for the first time (or second or third!) can certainly be challenging and leave you shaken, so I empathize with you and am sorry you went through that. But my question is why you spent so long walking on eggshells with someone you find toxic for you? I wouldn't say most people are here because they've been hurt by an FA as much as they weren't aware of their own attachment issues, which led to them staying too long in a painful situation, and now are reflecting on themselves (and not focusing on the painful partner or ex partner) to work through their own issues. Which may involve understanding all the attachment styles, as it did for me, because it shed a lot of light on my past dysfunctional relationships -- but not because I was blameless, it just helped to understand the standard anxious-avoidant dance patterns that happen and why, on both ends.
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Post by lilyg on Jul 9, 2019 17:18:30 GMT
Hi everyone I’m new to this forum and as I’ve seen below most persons are here because they have been hurt somewhat by a FA, this is my first time dealing with such a personality and I’m confused and sympathize with them but they are downright toxic, this guy I’m speaking about must be a super duper FA. I’m sorry I didn’t get away from him a few months ago but I’m in healthcare and recognize that he’s very sick mentally. He started to withdraw and give me insults and wouldn’t have sex at all anymore, seems as if they are attracted to the newness of the relationship. I got tired of walking on eggshells and revealed what information I had found online youtu.be/nJJJpvJ2TAc I find her a very sympathetic therapist and thought he could try listening to her. Well it back fired and for the first time in 7 months he has blocked me, my question is why would a FA react in this way. Why not just say this is not me and I don’t want you to send me anything like this again. I’m dumbfounded.... Hello Lisa, welcome! That was bold. Sometimes people are not ready to see it… it also depends on the timing, when and how you chose to talk about it. I am not a therapist so I don't know the best way to do it. I talked about it with my partner but i didn't send a link, and I left him alone to pursue that thought if he felt curious enough. Blocking someone is an emotional response. Purely that. Don't read much into it. What I worry is why are you staying with someone that insults you?
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Post by lisasb on Jul 9, 2019 18:03:29 GMT
Thank you guys! I feel so much better, my work in healthcare has made me too docile and really empathetic to sick peopl, I’m very patient, I think my timing was a bit off, I think he was already trying to replace me so it was my last ditch effort, but I’m not sorry u did it perhaps in the future it will prove to be some kind of assistance to him, I was always secure but this guy made me very frustrated because he would never be calm, but I realize now that no amount of love will change him. This is the most emotion I’ve ever got from him perhaps he will put it to good use. I have always reflect on myself I am not infallible and accept that I am an awesome individual with flaws, thank you guys so so much because you have given me the understanding that I was seeking.
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Post by lisasb on Jul 9, 2019 18:41:12 GMT
Another question guys do U think he will ever come back ?
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Post by alexandra on Jul 9, 2019 21:11:10 GMT
We can't predict that. But if he comes back without doing a lot of time-consuming healing work, you're back at square one.
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Post by lisasb on Jul 9, 2019 23:45:17 GMT
Ok thanks I see what you mean, even if he comes back the relationship won’t be any good if he doesn’t try to heal, and I’m thinking he’s not at that point, I won’t return the favor and block him just in the event that he reaches out which is highly unlikely at this point in time. But if he does I’m willing to help.
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Post by newoutlook on Jul 10, 2019 9:16:35 GMT
No one likes unsolicited advice, especially if it's about a very sensitive and personal matter. That and if someone has an attachment trauma and you don't just confirm to them that there's something wrong with them.
Showing a person who was abused in childhood a page in wikipedia about abuse won't heal their trauma. I think video like that will help you, to understand the mechanics of the other person but will do little for your PERSONAL trauma, especially if one wants to get away from it. I know many avoidnats that are very smart people, who read a lot of philosophy, psychology, they strive for self improvment - they have all that knowladge but stay passive about their traumas becasue it's just not easy at all.
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Post by lisasb on Jul 10, 2019 10:08:17 GMT
Thank you guys, I was sending a bit of information about the subject previously just a few articles, he would read but not reply, never block me never show emotion, but that video was a breaking point for him, he never said not to send the articles so I stupidly assumed the video would be ok, because this particular therapist is very optimistic about them not being bad people at the heart. But when I listen to it again hearing stuff like that would be traumatic if it were true 😔. However I’m still not sorry about it perhaps he will become more self aware, I’m telling you guys this man is 38 and the most hardcore I’ve ever met, I normally quit these guys early out because I normally see they are resistant to positive change resistant to heal because their patterns are comfortable for them. I really don’t know about what happened in his childhood I’m thinking it was very traumatic for him.
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Post by lilyg on Jul 10, 2019 11:13:33 GMT
Maybe sending repeatedly unsolicited advice on how to change on a very sensible topic may have been too much for him?
I know you did it trying to help but that type of help is adviced when someone is truly confused and curious about what is happening to them. When there is an active dialogue about it and not a onesided conversation. I don't really know the context of all of it though. I would feel very uncomfortable and psychoanalized though. Maybe judged or pressured to change.
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Post by mrob on Jul 10, 2019 11:13:37 GMT
This isn’t the first time and won’t be the last that the great nugget of replying in a reasonable time will come up.
If I feel like you’re going to engulf me physically or emotionally, I will retreat. The more you push for answers, clarification of “where/what we are”, the more I will retreat. The crazier you get about it, the less you’ll hear from me.
These days, I understand what triggers that in myself and someone else, I look for the red flags, but I still have trouble communicating effectively.
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Post by lisasb on Jul 10, 2019 14:25:43 GMT
I agree guys I felt him retreat and I was so desperate for him to understand that I cared, I tried to force him to face his fears but I think it was a bit too much for him. Should I try to reach out in a months time or should I wait till he returns if ever. How can a person be so unaware and in so much denial, so much pain that they cannot see themselves at fault for anything, can you not see that you are the common denominator? You must know that it’s fear that makes you react in such a way, I gave him his space never bothered him too much all I asked was for 1 day of the week and a little chit chat during the week, quite reasonable imo. He agreed to 50/50 but said he was not feeling interested in having sex at all. Sigh 😔 anyways thanks for your replies. I will try reaching out in a months time see how he feels perhaps he will do some reading now that he is aware of the possibility he’s a love avoidant.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 10, 2019 14:41:45 GMT
When We are not able to use our prefrontal cortex, our midbrain and our repitle brain/ amygdela takes over. You can read more in the general diskussion forum under how to heal the different attatchment styles.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 10, 2019 14:46:11 GMT
I agree guys I felt him retreat and I was so desperate for him to understand that I cared, I tried to force him to face his fears but I think it was a bit too much for him. Should I try to reach out in a months time or should I wait till he returns if ever. How can a person be so unaware and in so much denial, so much pain that they cannot see themselves at fault for anything, can you not see that you are the common denominator? You must know that it’s fear that makes you react in such a way, I gave him his space never bothered him too much all I asked was for 1 day of the week and a little chit chat during the week, quite reasonable imo. He agreed to 50/50 but said he was not feeling interested in having sex at all. Sigh 😔 anyways thanks for your replies. I will try reaching out in a months time see how he feels perhaps he will do some reading now that he is aware of the possibility he’s a love avoidant. lisasb - I’m not sure you’re getting your own posts. This likely won’t end well. The fact that he is a love avoidant, as you say, only underscores exactly why he WOULDN’T want any unsolicited articles or videos sent his way. You said yourself he’s the toughest you ever met- he’s in denial, pain. All the pain and self-defense mechanisms will make it more likely he’d feel offended or engulfed by your help and reject it. If and when he does want help, he knows how to reach you or research online. The more you push, the more he’ll pull. You need to back off, and I don’t think a month’s time will do any trick. He needs to come to this understanding and willingness to grow and change on his own. I have an FA/DA in my life who is very much aware of his issues yet he’s unwilling to face them. It’s hard, painful work and not everyone wants to change nor can be pressured into change. You really need to just let him go or accept him.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 10, 2019 14:48:52 GMT
I agree guys I felt him retreat and I was so desperate for him to understand that I cared, I tried to force him to face his fears but I think it was a bit too much for him. Should I try to reach out in a months time or should I wait till he returns if ever. How can a person be so unaware and in so much denial, so much pain that they cannot see themselves at fault for anything, can you not see that you are the common denominator? You must know that it’s fear that makes you react in such a way, I gave him his space never bothered him too much all I asked was for 1 day of the week and a little chit chat during the week, quite reasonable imo. He agreed to 50/50 but said he was not feeling interested in having sex at all. Sigh 😔 anyways thanks for your replies. I will try reaching out in a months time see how he feels perhaps he will do some reading now that he is aware of the possibility he’s a love avoidant. I’m not the guy on the receiving end and I still feel a lack of empathy for his experience and trauma as I read this. You just don’t seem to get it.
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